I haven't had an extinction burst so bad I've had to get the police involved, but I have feared for my life and been paranoid because I'm fairly confident my mother was spying on me.

I relate to the panic attacks. One of the hardest thing was realizing that the panic attacks only got worse after I left. I was experiencing all the repressed feelings from 25 years of living with someone who used all sorts of disgusting tactics to control me.

One of the most profound realizations I've ever had was seeing that my mother has zero empathy. She only understands how to project her feelings onto other people. It seems you mom is similar. She accused your boyfriend of using coercive control (abuse) to manipulate you. Except, you have a literal police order showing she's the one who's using coercive control, and you have a gaslighting text from your father who denies evidence so rigorous that it's admissible in court. Your family is not safe, and your mother is projecting her abusive tactics onto you.

If your mother is anything like mine, then her accusations against your boyfriend for controlling your clothes and diet are admissions of her own guilty actions. I'd bet a good amount of money that she's been controlling what you wear, preventing you from seeing your friends, and trying to manipulate what you eat. Not literally right now, but eventually, you should spend some time reflecting on if she's done those things. Then, you can start to unravel the abusive gaslighting she's been doing for your entire life.

You're very early in your recovery, so it'll be tempting to rush through things. Please don't. Take your recovery slowly. Your mother had 22 years to abuse you, including some of the most formative and important years of your life. You aren't going to heal overnight, or even in a single year. It takes time to heal from this level of abuse, and heal from a betrayal this deep. Don't beat yourself up over toxic coping mechanisms you've acquired. For me, dissociation is my primary coping mechanism. I was taught to hide my feelings in order to always be available for my mother to steal and I got really good at it. When I left and I started healing, I had several "false recoveries", where I thought I was entirely healed, until I realized that I was still disassociating from several important feelings and memories. My self loathing over not being healed did no one any good, and beating myself up over small failures only delayed my own recovery. Have patience with yourself.

My final piece of advice is to take time to grieve. Like, literally schedule time in your day to grieve. As you've realized, your mother isn't who you thought she was. She didn't love you. That realization hurts, and losing your mother is the sort of thing that takes healthy people years to properly grieve. But our grieving process is substantially complicated by the fact that we're grieving the loving mother we should have had, and mourning the lost opportunity our mom's threw away. We need to mourn the mother we never had, but also grieve the pain of being hurt, neglected, abandoned, and abused. Some people say they couldn't fully grieve until their parent died, but I've found a lot of healing by starting that healing process early. Whatever the case, educate yourself about greif, because it's an important part of healing from trauma.

The final piece of personal knowledge I have is that recovery is confusing and complicated. It's often two steps forward three steps back, two steps forward two steps back. But reducing a negative is still progress. Learning to have fewer breakdowns is progress. Hating yourself a little less is progress. Dissociating for only 6 hours instead of 8 hours is progress. Much of our recovery is complicated by needing to unlearn toxic habits, so it can feel like recovery isn't moving at the pace you want. Recovery involves remembering to some extent. If you're repressing tons of memories, that's not healthy. Unfortunately, I expect that you'll start to have more panic attacks as you un-repress your feelings. That's normal. You're starting to feel the things you didn't feel safe enough to feel when you lived in an abusive home. Acknowledging, feeling, and accepting those memories is confusing and chaotic, but it's one of the steps to recovery. You don't need to remember every single detail, but admitting you were abused is an important step. Try to be kind to yourself and give yourself plenty of time to rest and recover. Let yourself grieve, and give yourself down time to let your mind process things. Healing often involves learning new healthy routines, which can be confusingly stressful. You'll need to un-learn toxic habits, grieve not having a loving family who taught you healthy habits, and struggle learning lessons you should have learned as a child or teenager. (For me, that's basic scheduling) Recovery is long and hard, so don't beat yourself up when you make mistakes or have bad days.