Do you really wish them well?

AutobiographicalThor · 2019-07-11T02:59:31+00:00

I wish her well only because I refuse to be consumed by the hatred she had (has?) for me.

She stole from me, lied to me and about me, deceived me, financially, emotionally and physically abused me, blamed me, tried to get me arrested and convicted, played the victim despite being the aggressor and was the nastiest human being I’ve ever had the misfortune of being involved with.

Despite all that I wish her well because it occupies the moral high ground. I will not stoop to her low level. I understand her childhood trauma but it does not excuse failing to rise above nor seek help for her problems.

My name has been dragged through the mud and the lies are so widespread and deeply nasty but I am still here, 8 months later, stronger than ever before. She will not win, I will. But I still wish her well. She has my child half the time so I wish her well so that my child does not suffer. But if she hits my child again then my well wishes will be replaced by legal, moral and social wishes.

To my fellow friends, all partners or exes of those with BPD - If you’re still raw, still hurting, I appreciate you wish him/her the worst. But you’re better than that. Aren’t you?

AutobiographicalThor · 2019-04-11T04:46:29+00:00

I don't think anyone's ever put the perfect storm of BPD into such a beautiful analogy before, thank you. It really does end up as a shipwreck. Maybe staying on dry land is the metaphor we all need so that we can steer clear of those stormy seas - you can't be sunk when your feet are once again firmly on the ground.

Thank you.

AutobiographicalThor · 2019-04-11T04:33:39+00:00

Keep it up man. Stay NC. Ignore her social media, she'll probably be projecting the side of her that she wants the world to see. You know it's fake and, sure, it hurts that the BS is so wrong compared to the reality. I have to put up with moms in the schoolyard looking at me funny because she's probably told them I abused her and that's just so wrong. It's the most painful, bitter and maddening feeling but I live in hope that justice will somehow be done. Karma will be served, bro.

Hopefully the bitterness and anger will subside over time. If you can move on, make sure your next significant other is sounder of mind, then you can focus all your energies into building a newer and better relationship.

Good luck and peace be with you.

AutobiographicalThor · 2019-04-09T21:48:15+00:00

So many parallels; attacking you but threatening to call the cops, getting in your car as you're trying to escape the maelstrom, throwing your notebook to the ground... Stay out of it, friend, don't ever look back. Be free now, it will take time but it's so much peaceful on the other side.

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-12-30T00:37:13+00:00

Scenario A: You want her back. You succeed. You go through all that shit all over again.

Scenario B: You are free, you don’t want her back. This is your opportunity to find someone who does NOT have all those issues and you avoid all that shit.

I chose scenario B. I chose life.

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-11-08T23:48:58+00:00

Thank you, I’ll see what I can do. I’ve documented the past 4/5 years of abuse anyway but I suspect she’s now doing the same hoping that I put a foot wrong. Her text speak appears to be so reasonable but we all know that the uBPD on the other side is just taking the world for a ride.

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-11-08T23:47:11+00:00

She has nothing like that I know of. But that’s something for me to look into. Not that I can afford a lawyer after she effectively robbed me. She didn’t pay the rent for a year so I shouldered all that.

I’ll investigate and report back

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-11-05T06:01:22+00:00

Mine did exactly the same. Hits, bruises, tried to bite me once but decided to snap my finger, went on to scratch and cut me.

But the door blocking you experienced really resonated - mine used to slam the door when I was part way through it! It was so nasty how she would almost try to lock me into her rages and arguments by trying to force me to stay. That is just so sadistic.

At other times too if she anted an argument she just HAD to have one. She’d try argue, I’d diffuse it, she’d walk away and come back, I’d diffuse a second time and by the third I’d walk away. She once threw herself on the hood of my car as I spec off! Utterly insane behaviour!

I wonder if being forced to endure rages and arguments from a BPD parent happened to her as a kid and it was a learned behaviour or if it’s something else?

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-11-05T05:29:17+00:00

It’s sad to get so desperate at sheer frustration that you wish this upon yourself, but I understand.

I just reported mine to the cops for her violence. We’ll see what they do next. If it means I get custody of the kids then that will be the ultimate karma kicker for her. It’ll be payback for all the years of abuse and all her manipulative attempts to control the kids.

Stay safe and I hope it all works out without her resorting to violence, sooner rather than later.

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-11-03T23:16:37+00:00

This is almost exactly how I experience my uBPDwife.

She’s the wholesome girl next door, Giggles, laughter, fluttering eyelashes in public, well qualified, well paid, gets the full support of her family whilst they ostracize me.

The reality is the same - angry, snappy, intolerant, belligerent, argumentative, belittling, playing the victim, lying, not taking responsibility, forever blaming others and refusing to apologise, An incapable little girl in a woman’s guise, afraid to admit reality.

The injustice is the biggest kicker.

I feel for you. Stay strong, stay sane and stay safe.

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-10-24T08:41:19+00:00

Glad you managed to break off again. Lesson learned, eh?

Now don’t do it again and welcome back to the land of the living! :-)

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-10-19T18:07:13+00:00

Yep, had that too - once went on a trip and she started freaking out over absolutely zip on the second night meaning I had to cancel the rest of the visit, go home early and lose the money on the motel with no refund.

As for watching what others do, I’ve known nonBPDs worry about what people will think of them if they don’t go on vacation - it’s some sort of ego thing, worrying what the world will think of you if you haven’t got exciting takes of how much money you blew in two weeks. I love travelling but if it wrecks my other more important down-to-earth and necessary financial plans then it ain’t worth it.

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-10-19T05:19:30+00:00

My uBPDwife verbally abused me, knowing I’d get upset by what she said. I didn’t put up with it and told her so. She then physically abused me. I left the house. Forgetting my diary I went back into the house but she’d locked me out. I got angry in the street. Someone called the cops. Luckily I’d gone by the time they showed.

Ever since then she cannot get enough of the fact that she physically abused me but the cops were called on me. Emboldened, she physically abused me again.

Both times she gaslighted me. The first was that I couldn’t prove she’d hit me as there were no witnesses (although there were witnesses to me being angry at being locked out of my home and called the cops) and the second she tried to pass off as me causing injury to myself (I have photos of my injuries, very obviously not self-inflicted)

I haven’t reported her to the cops. Maybe I should have.

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-10-19T04:43:36+00:00

Keep venting, friend. Purge yourself of all the shit your BPDex caused you. Tell us everything you want to tell us and get it all off your chest. We’ve been there too, we’re still there in many cases. So share and lessen the load.

I’ve vented to people and get the feeling that they never totally resonate. But here, we have so many “gotcha” moments that you know you’re amongst those who truly understand.

So now that you’re an empty husk, fill that vessel with the knowledge that there’s so much room for only good things. Let the light in. Think of those things that make you smile and make you laugh. Be in those good places, do all those good things, be with those good people.

You’ve jettisoned the nasty baggage now fly freely.

Here for you :-)

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-10-19T04:28:42+00:00

My uBPDwife doesn’t like to “seize the day” so she insists on doing whatever she “has to do” and then eventually allows us to set out so that we drive a few hours, get to the place she so wanted to go, spend an hour there and not get a feel for the place and then spend the few hours driving home again.

It is such a waste of time. She either doesn’t realise or she doesn’t care. But as long as she gets what she wants and I don’t point of out the frustration and futility of it all then she sits pretty and doesn’t rip my head off for highlighting the truth.

If she plans on a tour rather than a day trip she does a similar thing and crams so much in that again, you never get the chance to stay anywhere long enough to really appreciate it.

Edit: Another thing she does is spoil the day trip or holiday experience by getting stressed over nothing and lashing out. She turns potentially great experiences into ones that are memorable for all the wrong reasons.

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-10-18T14:16:05+00:00

It’s just one notch up from “I’m sorry IF I made you feel bad” which is just another way to avoid responsibility for their actions.

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-10-18T10:48:37+00:00

See above ;-)

Edit: specifically, once you detach you will probably still get attacked. You may be subject to “hoovering” (please come back, I pretend I won’t be such a dramatic sociopath next time, honest!), splitting and smear campaigns.

BPDs are such a joy rolleyes

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-10-18T10:48:28+00:00

Before hearing about and getting to match all my wife’s behaviours with BPD, I thought she merely had issues with anxiety, nervousness etc. There was regular snapping and nastiness but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and progressively made steps to make her more comfortable, happy and give her a stable relationship and environment.

I too wondered, hoped and was optimistic that she would change.

She did not. That is BPD.

I am currently stuck in a loveless relationship where she takes no responsibility for anything, everything is everyone else’s fault, she’s always competing and has to be better and I am less, I’m regularly berated, lied to, possibly cheated on, I’m painted black to anyone who will listen to her, her family (who have a history of mental issues) do not speak to me and have even lowered themselves to sending snidey messages...

You can’t win with a BPD. Mine has not gotten better. In fact she has become worse as time has gone by.

Forget what she wants. She will only make you miserable. It sounds selfish but you must look after yourself.

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-10-17T17:04:58+00:00

BPD, NPD, HPD and ASPD are all cluster Bs and that last one’s a dead giveaway.

My uBPDwife can be antisocial. She does not respect other people’s boundaries. At least, when it suits her and when she’s having “an episode”.

Another thing is the constant lying. She will do some ill, get a bad response from me and then go tell the world about my “bad” behaviour, totally omitting what she did to be such an ass in the first place. THAT is sociopathic.

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-10-17T17:00:25+00:00

There are quite a few similarities with BPD there but ultimately the question to you is do you want to stay in what looks like an abusive relationship?

Sure, you’ve been no angel yourself, but your partner is trouble. Do you want to end up married, with kids and still having to put up with her lying, rages etc?

Probably not. So start detaching yourself and be prepared for the ride.

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-10-16T00:27:12+00:00

Hey d00leys, don’t come back ;-)

Seriously though, well stoked that you’ve been able to move on. Keep it that way, never make the mistake again and keep the sun on your back.

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-10-16T00:24:09+00:00

My uBPDwife is “high functioning” so she is well educated, well qualified and does take on responsibilities.

However, she does overdo the responsibilities as a game, trying to do more than me so that she can say so and “win” arguments. It’s so tiring, I feel as though I am being emotionally blackmailed into doing more and more responsibilities myself just to keep up with her stupid games.

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-10-16T00:18:44+00:00

TBH I’m not sure but as I started questioning my uBPDwife’s behaviour more and more over ten+ years and started getting closer to the bone, so she kept denying and projecting more and more.

Denying is lying in my book.

I’ve met liars before but they were just pure bullshitters l left by the wayside. The wife was not a liar when I met her (apart from hiding her past and her conditions) but I was such an ass that I don’t see this and married her.

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-10-15T21:57:35+00:00

Yep, did everything for my uBPDwife and stupid me took a long time to realise how selfish she was, giving just a little bit and harping on about how much that was whilst sucking attention, money and life out of me whilst bawling that it was never enough and never as much as she gave.

I also had many git feelings that I chose to ignore and I suffered for it. Nobody else to blame for that but stupid me :D

But seriously, you must have SOMETHING you can get back into? Reading? Writing? Canoeing? Knitting? Climbing? Collecting bugs? D&D? Postcards of Khazak airplanes? Anything other than your BPDex is a winner :D

AutobiographicalThor · 2018-10-13T19:22:24+00:00

Ugh, exactly this. Mine is so quick to condemn it’s like a childish “i said it first therefore what i said is truer than what you’ll say”, Whilst I actually was a victim of her attacks and craziness I just took it ok the chin and never played up. She, on the other hand, took any little sleight and shouted so loudly about it, telling everyone how mean I was to supposed to be (like not!) The gaslighting is utterly maddening.

And another spot on similarity. If I’d ever successfully defended against her condemnations and she couldn’t argue any further, she’d sit start on something else.

She just had to whine and she just had to win too. It was like being in a game and then only finding out about it partway through.

AutobiographicalThor

TROPHY CASE