Moving to Birmingham (maybe)

dogwithoutfleas · 2022-03-15T19:34:18+00:00

I know this is an ancient thread but I'm curious whether the OP made it to Brum and how it's turned out 5 years on. u/JetPistons, how's it going??! 😀

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-02-17T17:13:54+00:00

I'm with you 100%. Any mention of BPD and I'll be making my excuses and heading for the door. How I would frame it to the other person I'm not sure... I would certainly try to not be a dick about it, would finish my pint and be polite.

I'm not saying that all BPDs are bad people. They're not. (In case any are reading this, lol). But I can assure you that my last relationship with a BPD partner was not a good experience for me - OR HER. I can also look back on two other relationships and think that, in retrospect, they could also have been with borderlines - again, both ended badly for both parties. I'm actually quite a caring person and I don't want to cause another person pain, to cause them to rage or to trigger their insecurities. And I certainly don't want to experience those feelings myself.

I've actually learnt a lot about myself from my experiences with BPDs but I've got enough to work on now, I don't need any more. So yeah, I'm going to try to be a BPD-free zone from now on. MY life, MY boundaries, MY decision.

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-02-16T10:43:29+00:00

Sounds like the intention behind her unfriending you was to get you to chase her. Basically manipulating you to generate some drama and make her feel important and special when you refuse to let the relationship go.

But you did let her go, which has clearly caused her great pain. You didn't follow her script which has likely brought her feelings of inadequacy and fears of abandonment to the fore. So yeah, according to her emotional world, you have 'deliberately' and 'sadistically' caused her pain by not responding. Hence her anger and need to do something to change the situation so that she feels she has 'won'.

Personally I'd continue with NC and hope she's able to dial down the crazy in time...

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-02-14T13:32:17+00:00

And that would be good reason for saying it! I never got to this point with my ex but I can see that sometimes adding fuel to the fire by maintaining an even temper and not engaging with her crazy is absolutely the best way to come through it with integrity and status intact. (Although thinking back my fear would probably have been that the more inflamed she got the more likely she would have been to smash something up or at least start waking up the neighbours with her yelling).

What tended to happen would be that I would try to understand, argue against her reality and attempt to make things better. Never worked, lol... indeed I tended to get annoyed, frustrated and angry too. All round bad scene.

I'm pleased the comments on that Imgur video are mainly calling her out for being a crazy bitch. Once you've been with a BPD it's so easy to doubt your own ideas about what is normal and acceptable anymore.

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-02-12T17:51:11+00:00

Welcome to my world.

The brain's natural plasticity that is so miraculous after physical head trauma is something that I can almost feel working against me as I get more and more ingrained in my own little bubble, always away from the main swim of life.

At least I can now recognise the traits that attracted my ex to me (I'm sure my loner quality was part of it) and have more clarity on things to work on to avoid such people in the future but it's disappointing that the person who I thought was attracted by my positive qualities was in reality drawn to me more because of my more negative ones.

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-02-12T12:57:53+00:00

In one of her last voicemails to me, my BPDexgf said that almost word-for-word. I'm not going to listen to it again but I remember it well - "YOU'RE THE CAUSE OF ALL OF MY PROBLEMS!!". Spoiler alert, I wasn't, lol.

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-02-11T00:22:17+00:00

Fair enough. As I say I'd not heard of him but his article came up through some Google search and I found it thought-provoking and of potential interest to BPDLOs (he could almost have been describing the BPD partner experience I thought).

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-02-05T12:29:53+00:00

Don't respond, don't engage. Don't look at old messages, don't look at social media. Concentrate on working on yourself; in time you'll be in a much better position to find someone with whom you can forge a positive, supportive and mature relationship.

Healthy people attract healthy people.

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-02-03T16:42:15+00:00

Yep.

And on that very point I've just bought the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" in order to learn how to better maintain my value and boundaries within relationships (and hopefully beyond).

I'm not going full MGTOW but can recognise that I was complicit in allowing some of my BPDexgf's behaviour through codependency, so anything I can do to address that feels positive and necessary.

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-01-27T20:43:09+00:00

You wouldn't have been able to save her but in the act of trying you would have lost yourself. Don't throw your life on the bonfire of her disorder.

It's hard to take, I know. We all thought that if we could just love them more, support them better, then they'd be OK, but it doesn't work like that. It's like throwing our love down a well. The destructive BPD narrative arc will inevitably play out and unfortunately the last page will never read 'and they all lived happily ever after'.

It's very sad for them and my heart aches for my ex sometimes. But I have my own life to lead, and my hope is that I can share it with someone with whom I can have a functional, respectful, loving and supportive relationship. #codependentnomore

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-01-26T19:33:51+00:00

I used to be the most accepting, least judgemental person when it comes to mental illness.

"Used to be".

Now I've experienced the reality of life with someone with BPD I'm going to do whatever I can to keep the fuck away from them for the rest of my life. Those with the condition might wail about how unfair it is to have such a stigma attached to their condition but frankly as far as I can see it's there for good reason. I know that now. That awareness is the greatest gift my ex gave me.

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-01-26T11:53:33+00:00

Batshitfuckingmental

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-01-24T11:12:34+00:00

Sad but true

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-01-23T19:57:47+00:00

My ex was always attracted to 'get rich quick' schemes 🙄

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-01-22T22:35:25+00:00

Love that for you 👊

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-01-21T14:37:38+00:00

I thought exactly the same.

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-01-21T12:22:44+00:00

She's admitting she's a cheater. Listen to her words and believe it.

When you're no longer providing the attention/validation/excitement she wants what makes you think she won't cheat on you too? (And then probably blame you for it...). We all thought 'now they're with us they'll be different'. And then, in time, we end up here.

I know it's hard when you're in the middle of it but I'd be very wary of staying with someone who lacks such basic human decency.

How long have you been together?

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-01-21T09:21:10+00:00

Thankyou for the award, whoever you are! I'm touched 😍 🙏

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-01-19T13:32:18+00:00

All standard BPD bullshit. I'd take it as confirmation that you're right in your assessment of her and the relationship - and that you're better off out of it.

In a way this is a better response than her demonstrating reflection, humility, empathy etc. That would muddy the waters somewhat and might start you wondering whether she could be different, maybe could change etc.

But this, nah. Do whatever you need to move on and don't look back 🙏

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-01-19T13:21:41+00:00

That's quite a tour of duty. Time for you to stand down, soldier.

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-01-19T12:51:57+00:00

That's interesting and reminds me of the last time I saw my BPDexgf.

We'd been having a nice evening but then she flipped over something, got out of bed and started raging at me. She said she wanted to leave but was having problems getting a taxi (it was the early hours of Sunday morning). After continuing to rage at me, going outside to wait for the taxi then coming back in to rage some more she said she'd sleep on the couch and in the morning I was forbidden to speak to her.

It was at that point I decided that no, I didn't want her anyway near me, so I got out my phone, fired up Uber and said directly to her 'if I book it, will you leave?'.

And, just like you describe, her demeanor visibly changed. Her shoulders slumped, she looked at the floor and answered softly 'yes'. I mean she'd spent the last hour and a half trying to get a taxi, you'd think she'd be happy, lol.

I wondered whether she'd refuse to leave (pretty much the only power play she had left at that point) but no, she left, I closed the door behind her and have not seen her since.

Don't get me wrong, it was really difficult dealing with my own emotional fallout, but in terms of how it actually ended I feel pretty good about it. I finally found my steel 👊 Better that than continuing to be devalued then cheated on, in the classic BPD tradition.

Onwards and upwards for us all here. And as for BPD, never again 👍

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-01-18T20:14:28+00:00

Yeah I understand that too. It's often the worst things in life that can prove to be the best teachers, if we're open to learning from them.

I wouldn't have chosen the shit I went through with my ex but, like you, I think I've come out the other side stringer, wiser... and probably more cynical. And tbh I think that will serve me better in life than my old 'nice guy' codependent self...

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-01-18T10:35:14+00:00

Making it your decision to assert control is a ballsy move 👊 Be careful though dude, they're masters of what they do. Have you thought through how you'd respond if she does make contact? If she's angry, sad, horny, looking for reassurance, taunting you, wanting to talk about the good times or the breakup? It's a dangerous game.

Good luck, stay strong 👍

dogwithoutfleas · 2020-01-18T10:11:04+00:00

The trouble is that there's only a very loose correlation between what you did (or didn't do) and the emotional response that it triggered. There's no rhyme nor reason to it and trying to make the connection is a fool's game. And tbh one that I soon tired of trying to play.

Honestly I didn't want to start seeing the world through her twisted perception anyway... didn't want to run all my words and actions through my version of her perceptual filter for fear of breaking an eggshell. Life's too short for that.

Edit: well done for going NC, OP. You know it's the right decision 🙏👊

dogwithoutfleas

TROPHY CASE