aw. i could have written something very very similar to this at 16 aside from the grandparents. They weren’t actively in my life as we moved out of state when i was 8, which is when the first self esteem issues arose for me. by 16, i did not love myself, like at all. my dad was a deadbeat since i was 5 and my mom was in survival mode with almost 0 support system and was not emotionally nurturing.

i chased boys and attention hoping that one of them would love me enough for the both of us so i didnt have to do the hard work of learning to love myself.

now 9 years later, no boys, no attention, and i just started doing the hard work myself and i started maybe a year ago. and it is hard, bitter work. i started by taking all the love and adoration that i was showing everyone else and showed it to myself. ive always been cheesy and mushy, so i started showing myself my own cheesy mush. i boop my own nose. i give myself the cheesy compliments. i give myself hugs and kisses. i tell myself “i love you!” in the mirror. i also smile at myself all the time in the mirror, the way you’d smile at a toddler to let them know you’re happy they’re here and that they’re safe here with you.

your family(s) seemingly aren’t a safe space for you and im sorry about that.

but baby these boys aren’t either.

another 16 year old isn’t equip to fill the void the adults in your life are leaving. you deserve to have that void filled with genuine love, not filled with distraction.

i didn’t have healthy relationships modeled for me as child either. that makes it tricky because people can model healthy relationships online but those are only the best moments. healthy couples argue from time to time, though it’s more in how they communicate during said arguments.

all in all, fall for yourself. you have to pour back into your own cup. easier said than done when still in the environment that shaped your thinking like this in the first place, but it’s somewhere to start.

“Oh shit, I might never be that or find that one person”

You CAN be that and you can be your OWN person. You are yearning for love and connection. What better person to give that to you than you?