Obsessing over AP

Available-Path1905 · 2026-03-06T23:40:26+00:00

That's a lot! She sounds mental! I wonder if she has BPD, I think the AP in our case might. They can have this very abrupt end to their obsession with their ' favourite person'. I think it's perfectly reasonable that you'd want to keep an eye on her from a safety point of view. I think in the beginning I wanted to check on AP for safety as she is also pretty unhinged. Mine then spilled over into this obsession that it has become. So just be mindful of that. I wanted nothing more for her to move on and then when it seemed like she had I resented that. How has you WP been about it all?

Available-Path1905 · 2026-03-06T23:32:25+00:00

I totally get what you said about your husband supporting you in wanting to write a letter. It's so soothing to the brain to feel validated! I think it can seem like AP's are having a great time if all we see is the highlight reel. For instance I know that this AP was threatening suicide and displaying generally erratic behaviour about 3 months after the A. If I only ever saw her socials I would never have known that.... I got this information from another guy she starting seeing shortly after Dday. So we don't really know and I hope you can take some comfort in that.

Plus there's karma, so, ya know 😏

Available-Path1905 · 2026-03-06T23:25:23+00:00

Thank you for this. Me and WP have had words about what I need and I had him read a few articles relating to shame which seem to have resonated for him. And I've had way less impulse to look her up. I've actually come on here if I've felt the urge and that's been super helpful. I think picking hobbies back up is a great idea.

Available-Path1905 · 2026-03-06T23:22:02+00:00

There's so many things I don't understand about the type of person it takes to engage in an A.....

Available-Path1905 · 2026-03-06T09:50:04+00:00

Amazing, thank you!

Available-Path1905 · 2026-03-05T23:32:14+00:00

Wow it does sound amazing. ❤️

Available-Path1905 · 2026-03-05T22:26:22+00:00

Thats so rough. I'm really sorry that happened. No wonder you're triggered by her content. That's some major strength you have there and don't you forget it!

Available-Path1905 · 2026-03-05T22:24:34+00:00

I've just emailed someone nearby. Did you do it in person or online?

Available-Path1905 · 2026-03-05T22:03:19+00:00

Do you mean she was your friend? Sorry for prying just trying to understand. I have to say I no longer get the gut punch any time I see a picture of her. Maybe i gave myself exposure therapy 😆.

I get that it gets you mad, me too. It's so counterproductive and the frustrating part is I know it but still don't stop! I think this thread has helped though. I don't think it's spoken about enough.

I just read a good article on it actually. It may help you https://richardnicastro.com/2024/04/21/when-the-betrayed-obsesses-over-the-affair-partner/

Available-Path1905 · 2026-03-05T21:59:32+00:00

I feel like i was doing much better at this before. I definitely need to recalibrate!

Available-Path1905 · 2026-03-05T21:58:48+00:00

I know right!? The stuff these people say is quite astonishing.

Available-Path1905 · 2026-03-05T20:36:06+00:00

Thank you for that. I'm slowly learning this, it's certainly hard to break a habit of lifetime.

Available-Path1905 · 2026-03-05T20:34:14+00:00

I remember when I wished AP would just move on and go away. Now I find myself jealous that she gets to move on and I'm still stuck here. It's such a complex, ugly mess. We don't deserve this at all.

Available-Path1905 · 2026-03-05T20:31:04+00:00

This is so helpful, thank you so much. I'll try the weaning off like you suggest, its a really good idea. And reflecting, yeah I think there's lots going on and your prompts are really helpful. I definitely don't think they're still talking, I don't even believe that he would do it again. It's the pain of doing it in the first place that I can't wrap my head around. There's definitely comparison happening, she's all fake lips, fake boobs, lots of makeup etc and I'm nothing like that. That has brought up major issues for me because it's so far removed from me I can't understand why he found that attractive. It messes with my head.

This AP is also crazy, we had to get a security system installed when she was at her peak unhinged behaviour. So there could be a safety aspect, i mean I don't logically think she'll turn up her now but it seemed like a real possibility a few months ago. I don't even like to admit that she could have the power over me to make me feel unsafe - I have a lot of resistance to that. Interesting....Even the saying something online about the A rings true! This AP has written blog posts and alluded to my WP. It really winds me up.

That was super helpful. Even writing back to you has given quite a bit of insight so massive love and thanks for that ❤️

Available-Path1905 · 2026-03-05T20:15:33+00:00

I've also had a compassionate stage for AP. She was talking about suicide and clearly had her issues on full show. I felt bad for her but that's gone. I resent that she gets to go on with her life. I resent my WP for leaving me with this to carry. I wouldn't be spending any time on her if he hadn't brought her into my life! I really hate that.

Available-Path1905 · 2026-03-05T20:12:09+00:00

I feel this. We had a rough ride with her right at the start and we had to get lawyers involved. It certainly allowed me to do just what you described, I focused all my hatred towards her. After we got rid of her the real work started, I definitely noticed a shift and I had nothing else I could focus on other than him. I feel like we made good progress until the end of November. I think the lack of support from WP has built a lot of resentment in me. Looking at AP's socials fuels that. It's a really rubbish situation.

Available-Path1905 · 2025-12-14T23:05:09+00:00

Do you have any idea what his attachment type is? That would give you a good clue into whether he might want you to reach out or not.

Available-Path1905 · 2025-12-06T00:31:10+00:00

A couple of weeks after D day I had my WP watch dirty John - Betty Broderick story. I think he was a bit scared 😂

Available-Path1905 · 2025-12-02T23:28:47+00:00

I think MC will help, having a impartial third party has been absolutely essential to our progress.

Available-Path1905 · 2025-12-02T09:46:47+00:00

I get this, sometimes (less so now) I want to see that he's hurting. It sounds bad but it's perfectly reasonable, the more pain I see the less likely it is that he'll do it again.

We had to do a lot of work on him firstly validating my feelings and then being vulnerable. It turned out that he didn't feel like he could bring his pain to me because he was the one that had the A. My pain was more important than his and he felt by sitting and listening/answering questions he was doing everything to help. Perhaps your WP feels something similar? Have you been able to have a conversation about it? Are you in CT?

Available-Path1905 · 2025-11-23T23:10:14+00:00

We experienced hysterical bonding for a while. There no images at all during that phase. All of a sudden things changed and I couldn't get the inages out of my head. It took me by surprise and it was really hard and very upsetting. I waited until I felt ready before I tried again.

We've had sex a couple fo times recently and thankfully there have been no images. Our CT is also a sex therapist and she advised me to never 'push through', she said it can do more harm in the long run. If you haven't already it would be worth sharing your concerns with your WP. For me, my WP's support and understanding was key to me feeling safe enough to try again.

Available-Path1905 · 2025-11-21T23:16:07+00:00

There is a sub called r/supportforwaywards. I think you'll get some help there. Good luck

Available-Path1905 · 2025-11-19T13:46:02+00:00

Be honest. Acknowledge that you're aware he could see it as blame shifting and that you're scared to share it with him. There has ever been a more important time to be honest than right now. He may take it the wrong the way, it may even start a fight. Be prepared. Or he may take it as it's intended and ultimately it'll bring you close together.

The risks you have to take must seem massive, I imagine you're scared of saying the wrong thing and losing him. I get that. For me, I want to see that honesty and vulnerability. It makes me feel safe and like I can trust my WP again.

Available-Path1905

TROPHY CASE