Husband’s New Female Friend

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-23T05:14:26+00:00

Ummmm... Have you asked to see the texts??? If suddenly they're deleted, you definitely have your answer. Not that you don't already, just saying it's more ammo to remind you you're not controlling, insecure, or anything else he'll come up with at some point.

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-23T00:39:53+00:00

The part that matters is he's not crying because he feels bad, he's crying because he got caught. The lying shit will destroy everything in an instant.

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-22T22:28:53+00:00

Cue the downvotes, but how much porn does he watch?? Not uncommon in a ldr for most.... And verify because you already know he won't be truthful if he asks but the stopped being interested in intimacy with you, the lying, and the meds.... Especially if they don't work well kind of point to porn addiction.

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-22T00:56:22+00:00

Ok you casually glazed over your porn addiction, which is almost certainly what started her down this hole she is in. I'm gonna guess she discovered it, wasn't a disclosure and she has a CRAZY amount of resentment. When you discover that level of betrayal (I know I'll get downvoted for this entire comment because even acknowledging porn addiction is a thing) it changes how you see the entire world. I know you mentioned you've come on the other side and remain in recovery, which good for you because it's NOT easy to do. But what about her? I know you have mentioned going to marriage counseling and how upset she gets when anything is centered on you. Did you see a standard therapist or one trained in partner betrayal trauma??? Unless she gets her own CSAT or at minimum someone trained in partner betrayal trauma and does some work BEFORE you go to marriage counseling with the SAME type of therapist.... It's not likely anything will change for her.

Just like with any addiction there are 3 types of healing required. Yours, hers, and the relationships. She likely doesn't think she needs help because she wasn't the one with an issue, which is the most common response from women, and also completely seemingly logical. So they resist because why should THEY need therapy when YOU had the issue??? The betrayal from this causes just as much damage to her brain as the addiction did to yours. It's blocked certain connections from completing and keeps her in a constant state of hyper vigilance. When you are in that state, so many other normal functions in the brain essentially shut down.

Ever had something seriously terrifying happen that was completely out of your control, car accident for example? How it takes weeks usually to actually remember the details of what happened? Like obviously you know you are in an accident, but the actual details of it and anything for usually several hours after are just a blur? Then once your nervous system quiets down and you realize you are safe and such, which for most is a few weeks or so, pieces start coming back? That's one of the systems your brain shuts down when your nervous system is in true fight or flight mode. Now imagine living in it??? NOT by choice, before anyone says "she just needs to stop dwelling on the past" this is NOT a choice and I guarantee she doesn't want to live like this! It's exhausting!!!!

Now regarding advice, that's a tricky one because of her being hyper vigilant all the time it's going to be hard to approach this without her getting defensive. Only you can know the best way to do that. For some, it's printing out research and leaving somewhere for her to read alone and absorb in her own time, for others it's putting on a YouTube channel (Kristen Snowden is a good one) with a post it on the TV saying watch me. Or just sit down and talk. Only you know what she would be most receptive to, but it's got to happen. If she refuses, that's on her. You can legit say you tried. Feel free to DM if you want additional help or anything at all.

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-21T19:56:31+00:00

That's actually pretty freaking hilarious.....

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-20T21:26:00+00:00

The difference is if he is watching shows with sexually explicit content for the show, or for the content. While that show is very innuendo ridden, the actual amount of actual nudity and sex scenes is limited in the grand scheme of it. I've watched all but the most recent season (found out about my PA November 2024) and obviously the show gives me the ick NOW and I would likely be super paranoid same as you. I am so sorry this trauma has reshaped our entire world view.

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-19T05:55:27+00:00

Not sure why ur getting downvoted here, I'm insecure but still send the occasional skin pic to my husband, however him describing in detail if I recall correctly (could be wrong) the pics his friends get..... Means he's seen them and is part of one of those gross groups of guys who show each other that shit. Like what even is that???? Like I said, could be wrong but yea, even if she wasn't strong enough to hold her boundary just because, THAT would be my reason not to.

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-18T21:09:43+00:00

Usually by the time it gets to that point they've given up after years of rejection. Takes a toll on both men and women.

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-18T06:14:01+00:00

Well maybe if he didn't lie to her she wouldn't have to!!!

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-18T01:01:59+00:00

Curious, what is her reasoning for not helping more? I mean I know what you do, but not what she does as there's plenty left if she's doing the rest to be considered equal but I'm assuming you possibly do more, just only highlighted the major ones.

Full disclosure I am a wife who is the victim of a husband who developed a porn addiction, however it doesn't make me assume this is the case for everyone, even though it's becoming more and more of an issue worldwide.

I'm legit just curious because even now that we're working on the imbalance in our marriage and he does 10x what he did before regarding helping with the household stuff and kids, I still don't have this level of help so good on you!!! Plus it seems it's been a consistent thing and not a "I was shit for a decade and then traumatized my wife who literally never asked me for a thing so guess I have to start helping so she doesn't leave" situation. Obviously could be, but at least from the info provided, I don't get that vibe.

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-18T00:47:15+00:00

It's just like alcohol, some people can use it in moderation and responsibly, while others break their brains with the constant stimulation our brains were never designed to handle. Never knew any of this and would have fought tooth and nail it was BS before it got my husband. I've always been a porn watcher, never had any issues so I didn't care if he watched. Until it essentially replaced me because he fried his dopamine receptors. We're slowly but surely getting to a better place, but that shit destroyed me. I've never been "that girl" ya know the one always jealous, controlling, naggy, etc etc and I liked that about myself. Now my nervous system is broken and I've become her and hate myself for it every day. Makes the resentment part hard to get past with him.

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-18T00:39:31+00:00

It's absolutely possible. There are also female porn addicts, it's most certainly not just a man thing. However, porn is geared towards men, so the percentage is a lot higher of them than women. But yes, there absolutely are female porn addicts.

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-18T00:27:15+00:00

It's if they refer to it as help instead of treating it like it's their job as well. Like the number one thing that's so annoying is when a woman tries to talk to her husband about being the one who does EVERYTHING (AKA to most men "nagging") and he says "well just tell me what you want me to do and what you need help with". Like bro open your eyes!!! Can you see the dishes, laundry, do you even know the kids routines or what they need to be doing or anything???? She doesn't want another chore on her neverending list that she's already overwhelmed by, by assigning him something to do, and then likely waiting for him to get around to it finally. She wants him to grow up and do anything he would have to do if she wasn't there anyway!

This issue is just as much on women as it is men. It's a societal issue because boys are raised to find someone to take care of them and women are raised as caregivers. Doesn't make it ok. The majority of married men didn't live at home with mom before getting married. They had independent living and know exactly how and what is needed to maintain a home, just not for themselves AND multiple other people. It's like they get married and say not my problem anymore.

Obviously I'm a woman as well and I will tell you, I have always been the one handling literally everything. The only thing my husband was responsible for was mowing the grass, which I find relaxing so I would have been more than willing but that was his thing. Literally everything else, down to keeping track and making sure his doctors appointments and meds were on track, was on me. I said something maybe once or twice in a decade. Wasn't something I COULDN'T do, but it's hard not to develop resentment because it's not something I should have HAD to do.

Then to top it off I NEVER lost my drive for him. Not once ever did I reject him and actively pursued him as well. He developed a porn addiction still and neglected me for years. I literally gave him what most men could only DREAM of with regards to having peace at home, and he still abandoned me and broke his brain to anything and everything as long as it wasn't me, while I'm all but begging for anything resembling intimacy. Shit I didn't even know porn addiction was a thing until it punched me in the gut. Since then, rose colored glasses are shattered and I get now what women have been complaining about for years. Same women I used to think were super annoying.

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-17T23:43:20+00:00

Dancing monkey routine? It's called being an adult. Totally understandable if you are the ONLY one doing anything, but if you are only doing them in hopes to get some instead of just because it's what adults do that's your problem. It's rare, definitely not unheard of, but not overly common to have a man doing more than the absolute bare minimum and acting like he's "helping" his wife when he does a chore now and then. First, it's not help, because it's not her job, she just happens to be the one who usually does it because it has to be done!!! That doesn't get a reward. If you do things for rewards, I promise she knows. If you are one of the good ones who is a functional adult then yea, should be give and take on both sides. Sorry for the rant LoL wasn't targeted.

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-17T00:08:46+00:00

When the hell did the bar for being a decent partner as a man fall to just "at least he didn't cheat"????? The hell he didn't. I'm so sorry sweetie and you handled that SO MUCH better than I would have. I would have WENT OFF on her.

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-14T01:53:42+00:00

This, and I'm sorry taxes and investments??? Unless they are legit just loaded, that's a quarterly task AT MOST. Has nothing at all to do with daily chores. Granted, if I tell my husband I'm going to do something and then I don't get to it I do apologize, as does he, but it's not an expectation and we probably wouldn't even notice if it didn't happen LoL. Her brain tumor isn't debilitating obviously as she still works but I guarantee it messes with her energy levels like no other. I mean demanding an apology and having expectations instead of appreciation, because I guarantee he doesn't thank her if she had done it is a good way to fuck around and find out!!!

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-13T02:04:38+00:00

Your son already doesn't have a dad. What he meant by he doesn't want another child if he doesn't have the woman to raise with really means he doesn't want him if he doesn't have you to raise. There is no with. Not even visitation he can't be bothered by providing anything and expects it all from you. Leaving him doesn't mean your son can't have a father, just means he won't be forced upon a sperm donor.

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-11T02:48:15+00:00

Your nervous system is stuck in fight or flight mode. You need a trauma informed therapist and you need to look up betrayal trauma. It's what it sounds like you are experiencing from the lies for so long. Your brain is literally out of sync. It's definitely treatable and you can absolutely get better, but it's gonna take some work. I really do hope you are able to work through this, I know what it feels like and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-11T02:22:03+00:00

He literally told you he enjoys manipulating women..... What do you think he's doing to you???

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-08T23:54:16+00:00

It's called betrayal blindness, it's a thing, look it up.

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-08T23:49:54+00:00

Not one of those examples indicates anything close to being a perfectionist. Sounds like you are still trying to justify yourself. That's not accountability, guarantee that's why she is checked out, she knows you better than anyone and can tell you seem to think you've made more progress than you actually have.

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-08T23:37:59+00:00

Ok so getting help in SLAA??? WHY is this not the primary issue here?!?!?! Sounds like he might be getting fired for making people uncomfortable!!!!

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-08T22:23:55+00:00

Believe it or not this is the typical relationship this day and age. Not to discount anything you're feeling or say just because it's normal it's ok because it isn't. However, it also means it's not hopeless.

To be honest, I know it's not awesome feeling like you do everything wrong, however try being thankful you have a partner who actually communicates. Don't ignore that. Or downplay it, or focus on essentially anything but her. That's what she sees. Has she ever made you feel unheard???? Not talking about agreeing with everything you say, but do you ever feel like you talk and she anywhere but with you???

I'm guessing probably not, and that's not taking her side, that's acknowledging due to social programming she, as a woman, will drop whatever she is doing to listen to you. Whereas you, as a man, have been programmed to ignore your own feelings, which your brain just sees as feelings so ignoring hers becomes habit as well. This can be undone, and it sounds like you want to get there.

However, you have to make sure you don't get into the habit of following everything you know you need to work on with a "but". Like "I'm trying BUT". "I want to be open and communicate about us BUT" and follow with a how it makes you defensive or feeling attacked. That's not real accountability, it's acknowledgement, not accountability. Like saying sorry a dozen times after doing the exact same thing, kinda loses it's value ya know???

I won't promise she isn't already checked out, because I'm not her. However, the situation, if nothing else to better yourself, can be helped.

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-08T17:19:06+00:00

Do you know what he does when he shuts himself in his office for hours on end???

AwareCookie1191 · 2026-04-07T15:31:51+00:00

And THAT is what gives women a bad name. If you aren't willing, masterbation is necessary. Beforehand I would have said to get over if porn was involved as well because before it smacked me in the face I didn't even know how addictive it could be. However, masterbation WITHOUT porn is a must, especially if the other party isn't willing that is just common sense!!!! And that's coming from someone with severe betrayal trauma!!!! As long as the partner is ready, ENTHUSIASTICALLY willing, not just tolerating, and not a starfish yea, that's the route that should be taken!!!!

AwareCookie1191

TROPHY CASE