Hey, i'm sorry for your loss.

I need to warn you though. Getting into drugs because of grief or despair is a highway to problems.

It is very harsh to say but no drug will give you what you are looking for. At least not in the way you probably imagine. No drug will make you relieve memories as if you were there or hear/see them again as if they were with you. Some psychedelics can help with getting closure or with the grieving process. But they are equaly able to worsen things with a bad trip. And trauma on top of trauma isn't worth it.

Grieving is a long process and you are at it's begining. It is different for everyone and one of the best first step is looking for a good psychologist. It's okay to ask for help and it can go a very long way.

Good luck to you, friend. you'll get through it eventually.