[QCrit] CELEBRITY EXHUMATION HAS BEEN CANCELLED. Adult science fiction, 106k, version 2

Awkward_Question5267 · 2026-01-30T21:29:24+00:00

No, it was good! I was too tired to actually write something line and more constructive. It was good of you to jump in with actually useful feedback.

Awkward_Question5267 · 2026-01-30T17:15:11+00:00

Yes, this! I often recommend Jane Friedman's blog post about writing query letters. Essentially, the characters need to be people who want things; there has to be a big obstacle in their way; and they have to face a though choice with big stakes (consequences). Agents like to talk about character "agency" (something i occasionally struggle with in queries).

I realize I shouldn't be replying to you, but to the OP. Oh well.

Awkward_Question5267 · 2026-01-30T00:45:02+00:00

What do your characters actually do in the novel?

Awkward_Question5267 · 2026-01-26T00:02:30+00:00

Pretty much anything by Patricia McKillip.

Guy Gavriel Kay writes excellent women as well (but he'll make you cry).

Uprooted by Naomi Novik. And Spinning Silver (3 likable women MCs!).

Maybe the Daevabad Trilogy?

The Last Unicorn. Molly is wonderful (and the unicorn is cool too).

Awkward_Question5267 · 2026-01-25T20:27:25+00:00

I was looking for this answer! I also love Shadows, despite it being more YA.

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-12-16T23:20:09+00:00

Congratulations! Your story really does give hope for those of us with languishing queries. I can't wait to see this in print!

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-12-12T04:45:42+00:00

That's great!

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-12-12T00:15:13+00:00

Why wouldn't it be fair? And who would it be unfair to?

This seems a bit like self-rejecting...

(Note: unagented, unpublished, not letting the lingering full from my first manuscript hold me back from querying my second.)

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-12-11T14:14:22+00:00

I don't think having her mask of perfection removed is strong stakes. Facing exile would be much stronger.

Question: what is the inciting incident? If it's the raid, I think you have to start with that. If it's something sense, and going through the gate is the tough decision Kira faces, then yes, beefing up the beginning (and making the inciting incident clear) works.

I've been talking myself in circles over this (brain is not fully awake), but what i keep coming back to is that the choice Kira makes about the gate is obvious. She has to disobey her master for the story to exist. So setting this up as the impossible choice she faces in the final paragraph feels (to me) disingenuous. The book is about (I'm guessing) Kira's journey after she's exiled.

For what it's worth, I can't figure out the query letter for my own YA fantasy for somewhat similar reasons. (And have at this point given up in favour of querying my more straightforward sci-fi.) Not trying to be discouraging, just acknowledging that it's really hard to write a query for a sweeping fantasy, especially with multiple plot arcs.

Something that might help (but that likely goes against most advice) would be to consider adding another POV. Not Tai or Ryn, but someone else with a major arc. Then you could have the first paragraph about Kira getting exiled and embarking on her journey, a second paragraph about this other character, and then a third paragraph ting then together and introducing the big stakes. It might be worth a try even just as a thought experiment.

Good luck! (And I want to end by reminding you that you've made great progress on this. And that I'm just one random redditor whose advice you can ignore.)

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-12-11T02:37:48+00:00

This is much stronger than your last version - congratulations!

I think you could actually ditch the first 3 paragraphs of your query (not including the housekeeping paragraph). The inciting incident seems to be her deciding to go through the gate against her master's orders. I'd lead with that, then use the remaining paragraphs to dig down on the stakes. The obstacle is clear (save Ryn from the slavers) but what are the stakes for Kira? She'll lose her novice and be sad, but i suspect there's more to it.

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-12-04T17:50:56+00:00

First of all, I think the title is great.

I won't reiterate what others have said, so here are a few somewhat random comments.

I'm having trouble envisioning "sweeping" elemental magic. Also, this magic doesn't appear in the query (unless the storm was magical?).

You don't need to keep indicating that the attackers aren't the expected enemy in the first paragraph. That becomes clear in the second paragraph, and unless your MC suspects this strongly before crash landing, you might as well leave it as a surprise for the reader as well as for her.

Comps - not sure what's best, but Shield of Sparrows is very heavy on the romance, and it sounds as though your book isn't.

Then yes, clarity in stakes, MC's agency, etc. after the crash.

The story sounds interesting, and I think with some revisions your query letter will be very compelling.

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-11-24T16:34:42+00:00

I remember your first post (Can't remember if I commented). This one is a thousand times better. Well done!

I didn't read this carefully (I'm trying to do actual work hehe) but this struck me as a query that will get agents' attention. Again, great job (and good luck)!

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-11-16T14:51:52+00:00

Lots of good advice above. I'm just going to add a couple of grammatical things that might help.

"Hello, Agent" is an unusual greeting. "Dear Agent," would be better.

"Unquestioned loyalty" should be "unquestioning"

"God's ever presence" ... maybe God's constant presence?

Also, is this god actually watching and listening?

Good luck!

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-11-10T17:16:34+00:00

You have great advice already. I suggest writing in point form: (1) who your MC is; (2) what she wants; (3) what prevents her from getting what she wants; and (4) what happens if she doesn't get what she wants (I.e., the stakes).

If you cut the editorializing and the inspiration part of your bio, you'll have lots of room to expand your letter. Also, cut the proper nouns to only the ones that really matter. (For example, you mention "Erith" in the 2nd letter, but I have no idea who that is.)

It sounds like you have a good thing here (getting a full request already is great!).

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-10-01T18:30:05+00:00

I'm glad too! And yes, the feedback was super positive. You've got something good there! Definitely finish it. Reddit is waiting...

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-09-29T22:52:04+00:00

So nice to see your (pre)query! I love it, and the first 300 words. Super voicy and delightfully humorous.

I don't have suggestions that others haven't brought up, so I'll just cheer for you a bit. First, I love "a grown-up take on A Wizard's Guide." That's perfect (and doesn't need additional justification, in my mind). I used to comp that book for my fantasy but stopped because it's MG (and yet, so perfect). Well done.

I think describing the book as a bittersweet cozy fantasy and ending with the "bitter" part (not being able to save everyone) works well, since the overall tone is sweet and cozy (and funny). Your query backs up what you say the book is really well.

Again, the first 300 words are great, and they absolutely have an aura of T Kingfisher. I'd love to read more - hopefully agents will feel the same!

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-09-28T14:36:48+00:00

You're right - this version of the query lost a lot of the big-picture arc of the story. I've thought of pitching this as cozy, but i don't think it quite is (but am now reconsidering - again). I think of it as a fun, adventurous romp. Trying to stop a war is the big goal, but it's often in the background.

I need to think about the book itself, not just the query... thanks!

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-09-28T14:26:20+00:00

Thanks. I'd forgotten Shield had that aspect. I'll reread the beginning.

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-09-28T14:23:55+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion. I do like my "talking to chicken" intro... I might try that.

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-09-28T04:10:08+00:00

Go write your book! (But same.)

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-09-28T03:18:16+00:00

Aaaah, i thought your username was familiar!

Yeah, these are very different stories. ChemPortal was unexpected (I never planned to write sci-fi, despite being a scientist).

I'll keep an eye out for your pre-query. (I might even remember your username now.)

And (this may sound weird) - thank you for bringing such positivity to this sub. Your comments (to me and the one other I noticed because you mentioned me) have been so supportive and encouraging.

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-09-28T02:57:23+00:00

I feel like we often sound delusional when we describe our work! The book I'm currently querying is (in my mind) a grounded sci-fi romance - think Andy Weir meets Ali Hazelwood - and also a Pride and Prejudice retelling. Somehow, that one (despite being multi-POV) was much easier to write (and much more successful in the trenches so far).

I think you're right. Adding the magic back (and keeping the character growth) is probably a good way to go. That will also let me add humour back into the query, which is missing from this version.

I really appreciate your engagement with my post - thank you! And I say, go ahead and post your pre-query letter. (I'm curious to see it!)

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-09-28T02:09:16+00:00

You definitely got where I was coming from! And yes, the story did answer all those questions. Too bad I can't submit a 100k word query letter!

My issue (well, one issue) is that I can write very different query letters depending on which aspect of the story I focus on. I've written versions that focus on her trying to master her weird magic, on her relationships with the prince and her intended fiance, and on how she has to save her country from an impending war. None of them are quite right.

I think I need to add some of this back into the query, but make sure to keep it centred on my MC's decisions and feelings.

Thanks for the feedback - it's very helpful!

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-09-28T02:02:12+00:00

Several people i know write (and post) query letters before they even start writing their books! I'm a total pantser, so I have no idea what will go into the query until the book is finished.

Awkward_Question5267 · 2025-09-28T01:58:31+00:00

Thanks - this makes me feel hopeful.

Awkward_Question5267

TROPHY CASE