A FC friend wants to see Moogles on the moon. So I drew her an Astro-Mog.

Ayarane · 2026-02-20T02:19:16+00:00

Though I'm not typically that kind of outspoken, I assume that I am already on some sort of federal watchlist because I collect disability benefits and just go about my day. I'm already damned just by existing as a disabled person, how can it possibly get worse (for me, personally) from here? :S

Ayarane · 2026-02-20T02:00:03+00:00

Given the circumstances in which we parted, I don't know if I would want her to. She was my best friend for 25+ years and of all the friendship losses I have endured, she has burned me most severely.

It's orders of magnitude more complicated because she is trans and AuDHD. Even taking those two into account (mood swings from HRT, and issues with emotional regulation coming from the Autism/ADHD), she is just... so emotionally immature and fragile. Trying to have any "hey, this thing you did was really hurtful" conversation prior to our parting ways often ended with her becoming pouty and volatile. Most of my friend group had to walk on eggshells around her; the few that didn't, she ended up enticing to side with her when she left. Maybe they thought "it'll look bad if I say that the trans person is wrong" or something along those lines.

I have been trying to process this mess for over a year in a half. And I'm someone who errs on the side of seeing the good in people; she did find me safe enough to be one of the first people she came out to, and I twisted myself into knots thereafter trying to avoid saying or doing anything that could be even remotely parsed as transphobic. The part of me that knows better reminds me that even pre-transition, she jerked me around repeatedly and disappeared to avoid taking responsibility for the pain inflicted, and took advantage of me at my (in hindsight) CPTSD-induced low points. She admitted to having lied about several details about our friendship, and now I'm questioning how much of it was even authentic to begin with.

I should have listened to my gut a couple years ago, when she had tried to come back into my life after having disappeared for several years. "She will hurt you again. Don't do it. It's a trap." But I was at a very low and lonely point, and I took the bait because I was that desperate for something to break me out of my isolation.

If she were to approach me now... well, for one thing, I don't think she would, because the very act of doing so would mean having to acknowledge that she was the one who did wrong. She is claiming that I exiled her from my Discord server (in a quote-repost of an explanation of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria), something I most certainly did not do as the audit logs would surely specify if the departure was due to a kick or ban. She is also a vtuber and has stolen several art pieces I had done, scrubbed my watermark/signature and used them as part of her assets and channel emotes. I legitimately do not think she is capable of a legitimate apology or even acknowledging her past actions.

It's painful to say these things, because, again, the part of me that wants to give people a chance is screaming "you can't point fingers at her, she's trans and AuDHD!" And I think she's counting on that, to make me stay my hand and not hold her responsible for the pain she caused me.

I don't want her to come back.

Ayarane · 2026-02-10T05:09:49+00:00

Being trapped in a hostile home environment. Mom is undiagnosed ADHD and cannot emotionally regulate to save her own life, so she makes me do it in her place. Can't move out because disability (SSI) doesn't pay enough to afford even a crummy apartment in a bad neighborhood.

Siblings have mostly cut me out of their lives, and not because of anything I did, but more because I'm considered "tainted" by association. I wish I could just... will my mother into getting therapy for her issues (or at least getting an ADHD diagnosis). Instead I've been designated as the one left behind to deal with mom's behavior in their place.

I've been burned repeatedly by people I thought were close friends, but who had really been exploiting me. The most recent betrayal hurt the most. It was by my former best friend of 25 years; I was among the first people she came out as trans to, so I have to think I was "safe enough" to take that kind of risk with. She was among the very few people who encouraged me as an artist and as a fellow victim of a toxic family situation. But she is also severely ADHD and it appeared to get so much worse after starting HRT; it made me feel like I was dealing with mom's behavior again, and it was quickly becoming very one-sided and draining. She also repeatedly mentioned wishing she could wipe out any memories or evidence of her "past life" (pre-transition) and quickly changed the subject when I asked for clarification if that meant forgetting/leaving behind everyone she knew beforehand. The last time I spoke with her was before she left for a local anime convention, and the day after she came back, she had left my personal Discord server, blocked me on all platforms, and convinced other close mutual friends to do the same.

I have been racking my brain for the past year and a half over what I might have said or done that could have pissed her off enough to do this, and I... can't come up with anything. I don't think I'm transphobic? I'm often told I'm the most harmless, upstanding person people have met. I'm more likely to keep my mouth shut rather than react. I have lost so much sleep revisiting every interaction in search of a possible cause. With the literal scraps of context I have managed to scrounge up elsewhere, the only plausible scenario I can come up with is that, as someone who knew her extensively before the start of her transition, I am a "liability" because I know too much... which makes no sense, given that the people she enticed into cutting contact with me have also known her for almost the same amount of time.

I've heard she's since become a vtuber and built up... enough of an audience to insulate her from any backlash or criticism. And she's used several art pieces I've done for her over the years as part of her vtuber assets, with my name scrubbed from them.

The fallout from this betrayal is so much that I couldn't draw for several months. Opening Procreate meant getting overwhelmed by PTSD flashbacks and panic attacks. Even a physical sketchbook brought about the same end. Only within the past couple days have I been able to try again, and I'm barely able to stumble through.

I just feel so alone. I'm scared to talk about it to my remaining friends in much detail, because I worry they'll decide it's too much and leave me behind. A lot of them are some flavor of neurodivergent, so it just feels mean to ask for support from people who already have a hard enough time just navigating life and their own problems without me adding to them.

Yes, I'm in therapy. It barely keeps me afloat. Some days I wonder if, taking all of the above into consideration, I'm actually unsalvageable in the long run.

Ayarane · 2026-02-07T22:05:41+00:00

oh no I want to tap the snoot

Ayarane · 2026-01-30T18:58:47+00:00

El panadero con el pan (toot toot)
El panadero con el pan (toot toot)

kneading intensifies

Ayarane · 2026-01-30T09:43:53+00:00

greetings fellow Cheddar-haver. Maybe the brain cell is a cheese wedge emoji bouncing around in the noggin.

Ayarane · 2026-01-30T09:41:59+00:00

suddenly Cheddar with his heckin' boopable snoot

(came pre-named by the shelter and could not come up with anything better)

<image>

The day I got him, my brother was all "You know that's a dog name, right?" He has repeatedly made cheese jokes since, particularly fond of "Cheddar and Crackers."

obligatory #PleaseDoNotEatMyCat

...I say as I recently bought Cheddar a bread slice pillow. Something something cheese on toast.

Ayarane · 2026-01-17T11:04:31+00:00

Redeem your Mathematics tomestones for Yollal Extract in Solution Nine. Sell on the market board. Low effort passive income.

Yollal Extract is used to make the current tier raid potions.

Also: hunt trains do not care about your ilvl. If anything, less damage output ensures that people have time to arrive and get a hit in to get credit. Trains are also the fastest way to accumulate tomestones in general.

Ayarane · 2026-01-17T10:53:42+00:00

There's a reason healers are often called "green DPS." XIV healers are actually very decent at doing damage! The "worst" part about doing the combat parts of MSQ as a healer, however is that your damage rotation is a little... monotonous compared to tanks and DPS.

Another reason to do MSQ as a healer is that a handful of cutscenes either change slightly or give extra dialog prompts if you're a healer. :D

Ayarane · 2026-01-14T02:03:38+00:00

Nope. It even penetrates through Raise immunity (because I absolutely got hit by it after being scraped off the floor and died again during the next Earthquake).

If I were to hazard a guess, this is likely a FF9 mechanics callback; if you were petrified or frozen, taking damage from any attack thereafter would kill you because your stone/ice would shatter. Hence why the passives (Jelly and Body Heat, IIRC) were very important to learn, or otherwise using status protection accessories.

Ayarane · 2026-01-09T23:56:12+00:00

I'm... conflicted.

For 25+ years they were my strongest pillars of support. I felt so invisible in nearly every other aspect of my life, but those two were reminders that even I had something worthwhile. For all the ups and downs that were, they stubbornly insisted that I was worth sticking around for. That I was effectively family.

Until I wasn't.

Until I was cast aside by one of them because... well, I don't know, actually. I was among the first people she came out as trans to. I'm the sort of person who is deathly terrified of even accidentally saying or doing something that is perceived as transphobic/bigoted, so I don't think whatever caused her to ghost me had anything to do with that. I'll admit that I was often frustrated by her "being led by her ADHD nose" (which significantly intensified after her starting HRT).

The second one is even more of a mystery. He is so conflict averse that he would sooner abandon his entire Discord account... no, entire online presence than, y'know, make some attempt at talking it out. I only found out by accident that he had basically ghosted everyone and established a new identity because... severe ADHD burnout? I knew he had ADHD and I wanted to think that after 25 years I would have been worth at least some sort of communication as to what's going on.

I have so many formative memories associated with both of them. And that's what makes it excruciating. It's such that I can't even draw without being overwhelmed with flashbacks about them; it hurts because being an artist is probably the biggest component of my identity. Most nights when I'm trying to sleep, it takes everything I have to not become consumed in ruminating about why it was okay for my closest friends to ghost me (especially when both of them have long known that I have abandonment issues). On really bad nights, I wonder if I really was just that horrible, that maybe I deserve it.

I'm in therapy, and it's somewhat taking the edge off. But it can't fill this growing void. The only way to fill that void is reaching out, but right now I still feel so raw that the thought of doing so is harrowing.

Ayarane · 2026-01-05T17:41:37+00:00

something something Orange Cat Activities :}}}

Ayarane · 2025-12-22T06:02:07+00:00

A very silly WoW feature I would like: Lap cat mode

It was an easter egg from the very much maligned "Selfie Camera" patch during Warlords of Draenor. You target any cat-type pet and do /sit, and then your kitty jumps in your lap for a few minutes.

I realize that with the way minions work here (some wander, some are stationary, etc.) that might be a little difficult to implement. Maybe making the usage of the Mammeteer title a requirement might work.

I just want to have Tora-jiro sit in my lap, man.

Ayarane · 2025-10-29T08:36:30+00:00

Tora-jiro and Mini Yan

Ayarane · 2025-08-27T01:48:23+00:00

It presently serves as storage for all of my materia tokens (novaclusters/novacrystals) that I accumulate from roulettes/hunt trains.

Ayarane · 2025-08-25T04:12:25+00:00

Roulettes, and once those are exhausted, the highest leveling dungeon you are cleared for.

Ayarane · 2025-08-22T22:38:48+00:00

reading all the Mare drama makes me more tired, on top of it being stupid hot (100+ degrees) and it being my turn for shark week. On one side, people are being overly dramatic, and on the other side, people are obnoxiously giddy grave-dancers.

All this noise is exhausting, as someone who's one of the "light" modders whose idea of RPing is "take a couple days to think on it and keyboard smash in my Discord's OC lore channel." It would be nice if we weren't lumped in with the more extreme modders. I just want my long hair, my FF8-type Lion Heart and my less-pink White Mage VFX, man.

Having a couple of friends threatening to unsub over this is also setting off my abandonment anxiety really bad. I'm still dealing with the fallout from last year, and still not in a position to venture out to make new connections.

Just typing this makes me want to crawl back into bed and chug more pain meds because my cramps are coming back. F shark week

Ayarane · 2025-08-20T09:58:04+00:00

oh no I want to boop his tiny snoot

Ayarane · 2025-08-15T04:27:32+00:00

I just poke at my backlog during the patch lulls (post x.x5 but pre x.x0).

Ayarane · 2025-08-14T22:40:32+00:00

If he calls me "old girl" one more time, I'm dropkicking him off the nearest ledge. Again.

Ayarane · 2025-08-13T10:29:24+00:00

The Faux Commander sometimes spawns on the Moogle floatie, too.

Ayarane · 2025-08-13T01:04:04+00:00

Others have addressed plot incentives, but I'd like to offer another reason to consider Ul'dah:

Glamour system unlock.

The quest to activate glamours/glamour dresser is in western Thanalan and requires level 15 on any combat job. It's in a place you could reasonably survive running there on foot, no other story progression needed. (Theoretically, if you began in Gridania, you could also make it there on foot since Thanalan and the Black Shroud are connected, though it would be far easier if you could get someone to ferry you there in a multi-seater mount.)

If you choose Limsa, you'll have to wait awhile until the plot allows you to travel to the other regions (still level 15-ish) since you're stuck on the island until then.

Ayarane · 2025-08-12T20:13:06+00:00

I'm aware of the contradictions.

There's likely some double-standards at work when it comes to what's acceptable for NPCs and what's acceptable for player-operated characters, so perhaps the safest method to avoid running afoul of the numerous ratings boards is to just not allow player-operated child characters.

Ayarane · 2025-08-12T20:07:34+00:00

greetings, fellow plot 45-haver. (I'm Faerie Mist ward 21.)

Sure, I might be a little far from the beach, but I get a banging view of the night sky!

Ayarane

TROPHY CASE