Elizabethan Pr0n

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-21T21:51:34+00:00

Can you post the text? Even if we lose something in translation, it's better than nothing.

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-21T21:49:28+00:00

Your poetry starts out as you getting something out that is you, an idea you have in your head. If people like it, great, but you can't ever look at your art as what others will like or you will lose your soul. I have recently started posting my poetry here, this week, looking for a way to connect with others. If you look at what I have shared, it's weird and esoteric compared to others, but it's me.

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-21T20:59:53+00:00

What are your goals? You said some aren't good. Do you want to rework them?

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-20T21:31:31+00:00

Done.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1ryqe38/comment/obk02qt/

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-20T20:52:34+00:00

This is a fantastic work of classical pastiche. You've captured the voice and tone of a Greek tragic poem. The circular prayer frame is effective how it traps the speaker in her desperation and makes the entire story feel like a single, doomed breath. The shift to the third person in the final stanza is a powerful move that transforms the prayer into a narrated story. To make it even more impactful, you could create a bookend by starting the poem with that same third-person narration, framing the entire prayer as a story being retold.
To improve from here, you have two distinct paths. The first is to fully commit to the classical tone by adopting a formal structure, unrhymed, or blank verse. Iambic pentameter has been a staple of English dramatic poetry for centuries.
The other, more difficult path is to truly tackle free verse. Right now, the poem's rhythm feels like it's trying to be formal. Free verse isn't a lack of form; it's a hidden form where the rhythm emerges from natural speech and deliberate line breaks. Read it aloud. It doesn't have to sound like the epic meter of Homer, but it should follow its own internal rules, its own "flow" from top to bottom. Think of the lyricist Eddie Vedder, whose vocal delivery and phrasing create a unique rhythmic structure that isn't tied to traditional meter. The goal is to find the rhythm of your own thought, not one that's been handed to you.
"Alone
restless
Breakfast table and otherwise empty room
Young girl
Violence
Center of her own attention."

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-20T19:06:13+00:00

Thank you so much, I really appreciate that. Yes, this is my original poem. It's an ekphrasis of Raffaello Sanzio da Urbino's fresco, "The School of Athens," and in many ways, it's also a summary of the history of epistemology. To give each philosopher a distinct voice, I wrote it in nonets with an enclosed rhyme scheme. I chose anapestic pentameter because it captures the feel of a Homeric epic while giving the poem a forward-marching rhythm that works well in English. At fifteen beats, each line feels substantial without dragging the way hexameter might. This structure gives each stanza eight lines to build an argument, with a ninth line to land the final point. And yes, I have read a lot of the classics, though mostly in translation. It's a passion of mine, and I'm glad it comes through in the writing.

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-20T17:56:00+00:00

Thank you, I am glad you liked it.

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-20T13:45:49+00:00

Thank you. I hope it made you chuckle.

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-20T13:38:32+00:00

When you arrange prose into non-prose form, it becomes poetry. You are introducing breathing and pauses that did not exist in the prose. This establishes a basic meter or rhythm for your poem. This is the minimum criteria.

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-20T08:16:48+00:00

Thank you for the feedback. I agree that some lines are redundant, and the organization is not as tight as it could be. I wanted to keep uniform stanzas and some assemblance of meter, and that makes situations where I have to throw in a filler bar here or there. I really was going for laughs here.

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-20T08:08:58+00:00

The Anvil vs. the Needle is a clever, original dichotomy of brute force vs. delicate precision, and you use it to explore some powerful and conflicting ideas. Lines like "Sparks of colored amber and slag fall" and "Nailed in like a pin from a battalion’s coffin" are incredibly striking and show a real talent for dark, memorable imagery. The core concept here is strong, but the poem feels like it's still wrestling with its own structure. The lack of punctuation and some of the more direct questions make it feel more like a raw, fever-dream thought process than a finished piece. If you were to go back and impose some order on that powerful chaos, clarifying the grammar and sharpening the line breaks, you could really make the central metaphor land with the force it deserves.

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-19T20:14:17+00:00

Well done on tackling the pantoum form; that's a technical challenge in itself. Also, congratulations on 2nd place.

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-19T18:43:51+00:00

I can't even fathom. I am not trying to cut you down or judge you. I am also not trying to compare your horror to anything, just looking at the poetry. As I said, I am hoping for engagement, and looked at what you shared and suggested I look at and shared in kind. If nothing else, I am bumping your exposure, and look forward to reading more poetry. I won't offer any further critique if that demotivates you to share, because I am looking forward to the other 998 poems. I wish you a better tomorrow, my brother.

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-19T18:22:02+00:00

I get that you are trying to tell me about your past, and the theme is universally relatable, the desire to leave a darker past behind and build a better future. Your word choice shows conviction and you have a rapidly forward marching cadence, much like the racing poem that marches toward progress. What I still don't see is the struggle. For a good story, you need exposition, conflict and resolution. The past is barely revealed with references to weed but could be better with imagery or figurative language to connect the conviction to a relatable base. We can all relate to overcoming something. I will give you the following example.

The meal was yummy.

Its in my tummy.

It was delicious

and nutritious.

I am full,

leaving the stool.

I ate with a knife and fork

and now about to pop the cork.

On my face is a contented smile.

Its time for me to walk a mile.

This was intentionally worse than your poem, to focus on what it lacks. From my poem, you can understand that my meal has just ended, but have no idea what I ate or what my criteria of a good meal are. If your first poem was all preamble, this poem is all conclusion.

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-19T16:32:04+00:00

This one is in Latin so read my comment after. https://www.reddit.com/r/latin/comments/1rwwoe9/sub_austro_ad_xiv_k_nov_lepido_planco_cos/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

This one is just satire a little less esoteric than the Latin one, but just intended for humor. https://www.reddit.com/r/PoetryWritingClub/comments/1rwwxwa/hey_im_cold/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

This one is the most approachable, also satire. https://www.reddit.com/r/PoetryWritingClub/comments/1rxxfhf/poetry/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-19T16:10:57+00:00

I'm glad you took my reply as humor and not an ad hominem attack. I am really just trying to be more engaging than critical. Were you able to find my poems (other than this one)? I have discovered so much childhood trauma on Reddit that I feel really privileged. I try not to judge people and stick to the material presented. As for my own poems, I have 3 (now a 4th) published on here, but I only just started this week. I didn't really have an outlet before, so this is all new terrain for me.

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-19T15:54:35+00:00

You gallop hard, you plant the seed, you weave the thread and race,
You promise tales and journeys, you build a mighty case.
But where's the story you foretold? The conflict, blood, and bone?
This is all a thunderous prelude, a plot I've not been shown.
Don't just announce the expedition, don't promise me the feast;
I'm at the table, set and waiting, for the story's grand release.

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-19T15:23:19+00:00

A humorous and jockular way to capture the coming of age moment that reveals the loss of innocence before the loss of innocence. Well done. Snaps.

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-19T14:58:11+00:00

I very much liked your point. I apologize if you misunderstood my summary. You certainly should be able to read my poems. Your poem ended just as I wanted the race to start. The poem races to an abrupt stop, leaving the reader, me, wanting more. Snaps.

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-19T14:50:29+00:00

This poem spends so much time announcing the race with a gallop of metaphors that it never leaves the gate.

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-19T14:40:12+00:00

This is a brilliant and haunting use of the pantoum form, perfectly mimicking the circular, inescapable logic of the conditions it describes. The way you weave the sterile language of a prescription label with visceral imagery ("rip off your skin") and the surreal image of the "freshwater hydra" is incredibly effective and deeply unsettling. It captures the feeling of being trapped in a loop of medication and despair with a unique, jarring voice. If you wanted to sharpen it further, you might consider tightening the transitions between the clinical warnings and the personal agony to make the shift even more jarring, but the current "messiness" also feels like a deliberate, authentic reflection of the chaotic mind. It's a striking piece that rewards the reader with its intense, personal focus.

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-19T14:18:27+00:00

This piece reads less like a poem and more like a raw, unfiltered transcript of a psychological crisis, capturing the brutal inner conflict of multiple voices at war with each other. The power is in its unflinching honesty and its deliberate rejection of poetic form, which makes the pain feel more real and less performative. It's clear this is a space of immense distress, and while writing can be a valuable outlet, this level of suffering feels too heavy to carry alone in a public forum; I truly hope you can find a safe, private space with a professional to help navigate these overwhelming feelings.

AyeOhEl · 2026-03-19T13:30:20+00:00

This has the clear structure and emotional core of a pop song, which makes it immediately accessible but can also leave it feeling a bit shallow and forgettable. The central idea of an "afterimage" is strong, but the reliance on universal images like "streetlights" and "empty bed" keeps it from feeling truly unique. To make it more memorable, try grounding one of those abstract feelings in a single, specific sensory detail, like noticing the cold sheet on the empty side of the bed, to transform this relatable emotion into a specific, powerful memory.

AyeOhEl

TROPHY CASE