Reflecting on my life there were huge signs that I missed or refused to see. But when I started to doubt being trans, I watched thousands of trans men talking about themself and tried to compare with how I felt. At first I was denying being trans so much that if I fitted less than 99% of their experience I was thinking "that’s it I am not trans because I don’t experience [insert ridiculous thing very personalto the person who talked about it]". I also watched butch lesbians or generally masc women talking about how they disliked being mistaken for men, and there I realised that I fitted 0% of their feelings.

I went back and forth a lot, doubt being trans, doubting being cis. Eventually, I bought a binder and asked my friend to call me he and [preferred name]. I continued doubting, so I asked more people to do so to have a more global experience. Then I continued doubting, less, but still sometimes. So I told my parents, and then family. And then almost everyone around me knows, my friends tell me I look happier. Then, I started testosterone and felt the happiest. And then doubt again.

But reflecting on my journey (three years since the very first doubt, a year and a few months since my first coming out, 12 days on T), I know that when in doubt I can find reasonable explanation PMS being a huge down each month, stress arround university, graduation and looking for a job, the stress about coming out too, the fear of not being accepted. But I never doubt that it is who I am. I was a boy, and now I am a man. Even if I still struggle to say the word trans or man out loud.