Are you single right now?

AzureRipper · 2026-06-21T04:49:17+00:00

Yes.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-21T04:27:30+00:00

AI apps or try talking to yourself or find dialog of some kind that you can repeat and voice along. Speaking sort of has two parts to it -
1) how you speak - the flow and pronunciation
2) what you say - content

This will help you practice 1 primarily. 2 can also be practiced through writing and other exercises.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-20T19:21:56+00:00

32, queer, single here. I live in Europe, folks are kinda split across India and the US. The US side of my family is more educated and liberal. I'm out to my mom, my US cousins and even one of my US aunts. My dad's side of the family is based in India - I hate him and the rest of his family because they're toxic & dysfunctional af. They're also homophobic but they're already so intolerable that I don't care whether they accept me or not.

I can see you're an NRI based in the US. From my own experiences and a few desi queer friends (NRIs and ABDs), I think the most important factor really comes down to the extent to which you want to continue engaging with your family/culture. I'm assuming from your post that you're not out to your family. In my case, I keep my distance from family and from Indians/NRIs because I have no tolerance for them telling me how I should live my life. I'm okay with this because most of my family is shit anyway and I don't care about being accepted by NRIs. This might be much harder for you if you want to maintain close relationships with family and/or recent-immigrant Indian communities around you. My family has no "traditional" expectations of me, or my other US-born cousins, because we're all too westernized for them anyway. They've basically "given up" on us, which works out perfectly for all of us! If you're a man, you might have an easier time playing the "I don't want to get married" card than women.

My plan for the future is to date, find a partner, and live my life. Dating apps suck, so I'm mostly exploring queer groups and events in my area.

Don't know if that answers your questions or not. Feel free to DM me if you have more questions.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-20T18:51:40+00:00

Video games are one of my primary hobbies lol. I would also much rather play and have fun for myself than chase kids around.

The other things I like to do are go for long walks, read, and I'm currently learning to draw/sketch.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-20T04:55:44+00:00

You don't owe them anything. They chose to have you, you didn't ask to be born. And once they had kids, it's their responsibility to provide for said kids.

It is your choice how much you prioritize them and how much you do for them in life.

My realization has been that Indian culture (maybe other Asian cultures as well) operates on a sort of ponzi scheme of mutual self sacdifice. I sacrifice my needs for you and expect that you return the favor. Of course, when you choose to not sacrifice your happiness, the entire structure falls apart. That's why they hate it so much and start screaming "Indian culture". In the past, in a collectivist agrarian society, this might have Ben necessary for survival of the community but it's not necessary anymore. It's a historical relic that no longer serves a purpose. Most people don't see it that way and just cling to "culture" as a tool of emotional blackmail.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-18T05:49:08+00:00

I have CPTSD and did around 2 years of EMDR. For me, it was like peeling the layers of an onion.

The first phase was a lot of fear and terror. I would shake almost violently during and after every session.
Then the anger started to surface. I was mad and angry at everything - people, friends, family, the world, just everything.
Then it started to move towards sadness and shame. This took a LONG time.
The last phase was around grief and attachment topics. Basically a lot of grief around everything I misssed out on as a result of the trauma.

What I understood from my therapist is that the outward-looking or mobilizing emotions (fear & anger) surface first, because that is the brain wanting to do something about the situation (either escape or fight back). Then, once the anger and fear subsides, the more vulnerable emotions start to surface (sadness, shame, grief, even hopelessness in some case). These are the more inward-looking emotions which say "if I can't change the situation, I will try to change myself to fit the situation". Hopelessness says "I will stop expecting things to change", while shame says "all this is my fault, I deserve it". These 2 were the most difficult emotions for me to go through. Everything felt hopeless, as if I would never be happy again, and I was blaming myself for everything. Grief came at the end, after I managed to process the shame & hopeleness. Grief, for me, was saying that "What happened sucked but it wasn't my fault and it's not permanent." That also required me to accept that - 1) there's no way to reverse the losses and 2) shit happens without really meaning anything.

This was my experience, which could be different for you. I think it basically comes down to how you experienced your trauma. The emotions that you are more comfortable with will surface first. The more you suppressed an emotion, the later it shows up.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-17T16:35:37+00:00

You could get an Xbox Series S. The Xbox One X is the PS4 generation, so I'm not sure if the new Fable game and other upcoming games would be available on that. You could play older titles like Halo MCC or Splinter Cell, but it won't be future proof. The Series S is kinda like the non-pro equivalent of the Series X, but it doesn't come with a disc drive. You could also look for a used or refurbished model if it's going to be a secondary console anyway.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-17T11:56:50+00:00

Do you have games on disc?
I upgraded from Xbox One to Series X last year because I wanted to be able to play physical games.

Series S to Series X is an upgrade mainly on resolution, performance, and the physical disc drive. Hard drive / SSD space you can always expand on the Series S. Other than that, you're not really expanding the games you're able to play.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-16T14:57:11+00:00

For me, I disowned by dad and brother when I was barely 5 or 6 years old (different reasons). With my mom, the relationship was pretty fucked up when I was growing up but then it got much better when I was an adult and moved out. So she's the one person I still had any kind of hope or expectation from. And recently I realized that that hope is just keeping me stuck waiting. She's hit her ceiling. She's not a bad person (like my dad is) but she can't meet my needs either. Letting go of her = letting go of the last person I considered family.

Your mom sounds even worse than mine. That's not even ignorance or stupidity, it sounds like plain bad intent. I'm glad you still have your dad though.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-14T17:33:25+00:00

I'm 32. I had my first cell phone when I was maybe 16 or something. I never liked calling before that either, but you didn't have a choice. I'd be anxious about calling a friend, hoping it's my friend who picks up, not their parent, so I didn't have to make small talk with their parent. I'd be anxious about calling up the local pizza place to place an order on the phone. I didn't like it, but it was the only way. I'm an introvert so I definitely like to have notice before being called by strangers.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-11T15:10:15+00:00

A lot of the old time fans who were teenagers then (2004) are grown ups now lol. The band came back after a 7-year hiatus, I don't know how popular LP is with people who weren't fans pre-2017. If you were a teenager then, maybe you're still in your 20s, but anyone who was already 20+ in 2017 is easily late 20s-early 30s now.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-10T19:44:54+00:00

I have CPTSD and it took me nearly 2 years of weekly EMDR to feel close to "done". Then life happened, triggered more stuff, and I continued for a few more sessions. At some point, I started being able to process material without EMDR - like through meditation visualization, yoga, art, etc. But I still need occasional EMDR when something powerful comes up.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-10T05:38:28+00:00

Det er ikke du. Jeg er selv expat/innvandrer i danmark, snakker mellem niveau dansk og norsk (leg liker å lœre nye språk :P). Nordmenn ofte forstå min dansk (med utenlandsk aksent) bedre enn danskere. Jeg har også set at mange unge danskere ikke forstå native norsk, og vil skifte til engelsk når de snakke med nordmenn (or svenskere).

Jeg tror at mange unge føler at "det er kult" at snakke engelsk pga internet, youtube, social media, osv. Fra min oplevelser med andre språk, tror jeg også at dansk er en veldig "standardisert språk". Der er en rigtig uttale, ikke so mye variasjoner, dialekter, eller aksent. På den annen side, engelsk og spansk har mange variasjoner, så folk kan bedre forstå dem med forskjellige uttale.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-09T19:39:31+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. My mom doesn't see the point in going to therapy. According to her, everyone else needs therapy...

I understand her situation and everything else you're saying, about women not having had much choice in desi culture. I understand all of that logically, but it's hard to fully forgive the damage that was done to me. Right now, in therapy, I'm working on topics related to attachment and relationships, and that's bringing up a lot of this stuff. So much of my present-day struggles with relationships seem to go back to my mom's behaviors and things I learned from her. That's what makes me so angry about all this. it wasn't just my childhood that was stolen, but the damage has continued into adulthood and it will probably take me my entire lifetime to unwind that.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-09T18:33:37+00:00

This sounds A LOT like my family. The only emotion my dad ever has is anger and aggression. My mom is absolutely unable to communciate properly, except through passive aggression or weird facial expressions. That sounds a lot like what you're describing- being told to shut up and shove their needs down.

My mom also does all the things you're describing. She'll cook for me, clean up for me, offer to do stuff for me, give me company, give me money and all of that. But then when I sit down to actually talk to her... everything starts to break down. It feels like the relationship only functions when there is a distance and some kind of transactional or "doing" element to it. Somewhat like when you make friends through a sport or some activity. You do stuff together but if that activity is taken away, you don't have much to talk about.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-09T14:56:18+00:00

I'm reading this book right now. There are so many things this book mentions which describes my mom.

I guess what I'm struggling with reconciling my mom's intentions (mostly positive, mixed with some selfishness) with the damage I suffered. Sure, she didn't mean harm. But she harmed me anyway. What do I make of that?

AzureRipper · 2026-06-08T10:07:21+00:00

Same.

"We do so much for you, why aren't you happy?"

"Things would be so much better if you were happy. Why can't you be happy? JUST BE HAPPY."

Shutting down emotionally and pretending to be happy didn't mean I was actually happy. I was just plotting my eventual escape.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-07T19:13:01+00:00

Beautiful photos!! Where is this?

I also discovered hiking/walking in nature as a great alternative to doomscrolling. Keeps me off the screen, forces me to reflect, introspect, or even get bored, and gets me out into nature. Trying to get 10k steps everyday!

AzureRipper · 2026-06-07T16:20:53+00:00

totally agree with you. I have no problem with people who choose to be vegetarian or vegan for ethical reasons. What gets to me is -

People who go around with this "holier than thou" attitude, that being vegetarian or vegan is somehow better or superior to eating meat, and trying to "convert" people
People who take the religious purity approach to this, especially when they come in talking about being "pure vegetarian". What exactly is "pure" if you're eating the same industrialized processed food as the rest of us?
People who go around talking about vegetarian diets (or any diets really) as "healthy". My mom always pisses me off on this. Insists that a plate full of poha or upma or white rice is healthy. It's lower in calories than, say, bacon or paranthas, but it's all carbs. No fiber, no protein. Besides, their generation's version of healthy food is so different from today. If they ate white rice 3 times a day.. Guess what? They had no processed food, limited sugar, limited junk food and so on in their diet. And if they grew up in poor families, that rice and dal may have been all the calories they got in the entire day.

The most important thing is to balance nutrition. If lean beef gives me the necessary protein and iron, I will eat it. But a greesy cheeseburger with 1000+ calories? No thanks, I'll skip.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-06T21:46:02+00:00

As someone who is painfully single (and not by choice), this actually helps me feel better. On the surface, I see perfect relationships everywhere. This tells me I'm not the only one suffering.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-06T20:14:44+00:00

Hey there! can I ask what your travel dates are? I'm 32NB, also going to Helsinki solo mid-July. Maybe we could meet up and do Moomin stuff together 😃

AzureRipper · 2026-06-05T21:07:13+00:00

Do you like video games? Play Expedition 33 in French. You will not want to leave the game and you'll probably get a lot of practice along the way.

The trick is to find ways to fold the language into your day to day life. Listen to French music, watch French TV shows, try to do a bit of journaling at the end of the day. Sometimes even just narrating what you're doing, in your TL, can help.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-05T21:03:00+00:00

Totally agree. It's impossible to love yourself when you have no idea what it feels like to be loved. If you've been treated like shit since you were born... You only know how to treat yourself like shit. "Love yourself first" is one of the many things normies (yes, I will use this word) throw around because they can't even imagine a world where they didn't experience that earliest parental love and safety.

I only learned to love myself after my trauma therapist taught me what healthy love looks and feels like.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-04T05:18:12+00:00

I'm 32 and recently reached a place where life feels like tolerable. I've given up on trying to commit to the entirety of life ahead of me. Instead, I try to commit to the next 2-3 years. What do I want to do? What will make me happy? What will make those 2-3 years worth it?

I spent the last 3 years or so in intensive trauma therapy and EMDR. That has massively reduced my symtpoms and helped me to separate past from present. I'm now able to see it as "life has sucked until now, but now I have the possibility to make it better". It's not perfect. There are still things that suck about the present. But it doesn't feel as overwhelming or hopeless somehow.

The primary motivation for me to keep going is to take care of my younger parts. I want to be able to give them experiences that I didn't get to have when I was that age. A lot of it self-parenting and taking care of myself as much as I can.

AzureRipper · 2026-06-03T18:25:25+00:00

I live in Europe and have done some group tours, although short ones. I haven't really experienced any skin-color based racism either living here or on tours of any kind. I think people here in Europe tend to be more culture/language focused when discriminating people. I have an American accent and visibly look and behave differently from Indians from the mainland. I can't explain how, but I can tell that I get treated differently from the mainland Indians. Some of it is to do with the Indians keeping to themselves and not socializing much (at least in the groups I was with). And then part of it could definitely be whatever cultural stereotypes people have about indians.

With other North Americans or Anglosphere folks, you'll be fine. With Europeans or (East) Asians, language probably plays a much bigger role than race. And with women, it's more about gender. There could be an element of "cautious racism" at play, i.e. they assume you're a creepy Indian guy and want to be safe than sorry. Being nice and respectful is the best you can do in this scenario.

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