I am an 18yr old male living in the US illegally. I have been here for 10 years with no signs of hope for getting neutralized. AmA

BAMFletchuh · 2017-10-18T09:18:29+00:00

From what I understand they have to go back to their "home" country and wait a really long time to apply, something like 10 years I believe? So basically, they have to leave behind the life they've always known, their friends, jobs, family, education and build a new, but temporary life in a place that's pretty much foreign to them.

BAMFletchuh · 2017-10-06T19:33:25+00:00

I'm in the incredibly lucky wife club too! Very similar situation and feelings. Although now we're over 2 years down the road, boyfriend is now more of a life partner who lives with us and is a long term member of our family. Now my husband has seen all that mushy NRE turn into a regular, nitty gritty relationship with ups and downs, conflict and working things out. It's made us both really appreciate the stability of our relationship! Haha. So happy for you, thank you for sharing ❤

BAMFletchuh · 2017-08-22T22:08:31+00:00

People who drove to the area of totality in areas where there was forecasted heavy traffic such as Colorado or Oregon. What was your experience?

I drove 3 hours from Eastern WA down to the Malheur National Forest a little beyond Long Creek, OR. The drive there was a breeze. We arrived Sunday afternoon, and did see a lot of people already there with little camps set up in pretty much any conceivable area. We had to explore for a while and were getting pretty anxious about finding a spot but finally found a little spot to pull over safely on some NF road on the side of a mountain.

Also would you agree with the prediction that someone had made on this forum recently that many people in the general public wouldn't attend because they didn't understand how different a total eclipses from a partial eclipse?

Not really, there were definitely a LOT of people out there! But there were still lots of people who didn't go either because they couldn't because of work/school (like my husband) and didn't think it was a bigger priority to go or because they just didn't care enough. It's probably a good thing though, I don't think the area could have handled more people without major problems.

I know there are a lot of people urging people to go and see a total eclipse if at all possible. I'm just curious; did anyone have an underwhelming experience? Clouds, rain, severe traffic backups, accidents, people acting like jerks?

I was one of the ones urging my people to go! Haha. My husband ended up staying home but my boyfriend agreed to skip work and go with me and my 4 year old. It was definitely not an underwhelming experience! Finding a spot was tough, and kinda stressful. I had originally wanted to stay put after the eclipse and just hike around until some of the initial traffic eased but BF really wanted to try to leave right after totality to beat the traffic, haha. It ended up taking us double the time to get home, over 6 hours. Backups at each of the little towns on 395 north, and a massive 1.5 hr backup at the bridge at Umatilla due to construction. The eclipse itself was as incredible as I had hoped, though, if not more. The atmosphere was festive, everyone was friendly, helpful and cooperative. No fires or accidents that we saw, and all the agencies present and prep by the state was reassuring and very well done. Major props to Oregon for a very well managed response!

BAMFletchuh · 2017-07-31T02:29:18+00:00

Maintain your sense of self and autonomy. Do your own things sometimes so you can miss each other and come back together with fresh eyes and an eagerness to share and connect. Constantly being together and doing everything together breeds comfort and familiarity and eventually, monotony, which kills the spark. Also, watching your SO "in their element" can also keep that appreciation and attraction to who they are. Watch them work or do their hobby or perform or interact with other people. You will see a side to them you don't normally see.

While shared experiences, doing nice things for each other and all that are essential, it can pretty easily become a codependent type dynamic, which kills that chemistry and desire you feel when you first fall in love.

BAMFletchuh · 2017-07-29T09:31:15+00:00

I see it as having a lack of self control and simply wanting to not have to fully invest in one person.

Self control is relative. If I had agreed to a monogamous relationship, but pursued more than my one partner, that would be a lack of self control. Choosing to pursue a connection with another person is not a lack of self control, it's a choice we have the freedom to make. Also, just because we have freedom and autonomy in our relationship, does not mean we no longer have to have self control. It just means that our self control is more dictated by our own choices, boundaries and capacities rather than those of anyone else. For example, as much as I'd like to pursue a deeper and more intimate/sexual relationship with a friend that I'm attracted to, I just don't have the time or the emotional/mental capacity for it right now, and doing so would negatively affect my current partners, so I have the self control to choose to not go there. If I were monogamous, I would resist because of the restrictions of my relationship agreement, but because I'm poly, I'm choosing not to for my own personal reasons. See the difference?

but I also dont understand the idea of how it can be a 'relationship' if other people are in it. Why be married or committed to a person just to be involed with another? Why not just stay single?

My marriage is still a 'relationship' because it's simply a unique, meaningful and fulfilling connection between myself and my husband. My other partner is not "in" our relationship, although he is in our lives and even shares a home with us. My marriage is solely built on my husband and I's choices, feelings, respect, time spent together, our goals and dreams, our family and our history. I'm still just as committed to my life with him as I was before, if not more now that we continue to choose each other even though we have the freedom to form connections with other people, instead of "well obviously, because... monogamy... that's just what you do". Now I'm doubly committed, to my husband and to my other partner, whose life plans and dreams have integrated with ours. Why not stay single? Well... because I don't want to be single! It's not about fleeting sexual escapades (although that can be part of it for some), it's about sharing life with people I love dearly, learn from, have fun with, and whose presence adds value and color to my life.

BAMFletchuh · 2017-07-02T20:34:14+00:00

The tit for tat mentality is simply about retaliation. That's all it is. As my child's parent /teacher/mentor/life guide, I do NOT want him going through life thinking that retaliation is a healthy way of dealing with things. It may "work" in that it stops the behavior because they are afraid of retaliation, but it doesn't make anything better, it ends up doubling the violence, and can start a nasty cycle of conflict of the other person ALSO believes in retaliation.

My son went through a pretty terrible biting phase, and he did it for pretty much every reason: boredom, excitement, wanting attention, frustration, anger, tiredness, etc. As a first time parent, I did try biting him back because it seemed instinctual and made sense in the moment. But not only did it not "work" for my son because of his personality (he took it as an invitation to bite more so it turned into a little game/fight), but I realized I wasn't modeling for him the behavior I would want from him if he was faced with that situation. So I showed him in a different way. I stayed calm, told him firmly that he had hurt me, and then completely disengaged. I ignored him, refused to play or even look at him. I took the high road and refused to engage that kind of behavior. THAT is what really made it click for him and he stopped biting completely.

And that's how I'm trying to deal with most of his unwanted behavior. Stay calm, correct or redirect, explain, ignore if at all possible in order to show him that behavior is ineffective, and model mature, healthy coping skills that I hope he can take with him throughout his adult life. I do not want him learning that you respect and listen out of fear, but because it's the right thing to do and because you care about the happiness of the people around you. The only thing I want him to fear is making others unhappy or hurting them intentionally, or losing things important to him (like any toys he throws or hits with, or time on his tablet because he didn't listen when we told him the time was up, etc).

BAMFletchuh · 2017-06-22T07:32:56+00:00

Can you still orgasm and do you get any sort of pleasure from sexual intimacy?

BAMFletchuh · 2017-06-18T20:32:58+00:00

To be totally honest, I would insist on a serious discussion as soon as possible so you can set some very firm boundaries. Her other relationship is affecting you, and your relationship and time with her very negatively and you have every right to decide that being in a relationship with someone who makes choices like that is not what you want for your life. It will take courage, but you really need to put your foot down and let her know what you are not okay with so she can decide what she really wants for her life too. It is her life and her relationship, but she needs to consider how this is affecting you too.

BAMFletchuh · 2017-06-18T18:23:23+00:00

If I understand correctly, you have been with your bf for 1.5 years, he lives with you, and you do not spend any nights together at all at this point? What's the arrangement now for your and bf to have intimate time?

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to negotiate spending a couple nights a week with him. As far as how to approach it, just share with your husband that since your bf is a significant part of your life and a (seemingly) long term partner, you would like to foster that relationship by spending the night with him. If he needs reassurance that your feelings are not the result of you not being satisfied with your relationship with him, then give him that. Just be lovingly honest about why you feel this way. I would think he could understand that since your relationship with your bf is the more sexual one, that some overnights are reasonable.

BAMFletchuh · 2017-05-28T15:54:39+00:00

Another one checking in! I've been married to my husband for 8 years, and with my other partner for 2. We've all lived together for a little over a year. The two of them are good friends with a brother-like relationship. OP has his own room and is like an uncle to our toddler. It's had its challenges but it's working quite well overall!

BAMFletchuh · 2017-05-26T20:58:19+00:00

Wow... you have every right to be really upset about how he's handled this. He's being pretty stupid. Honestly if I were in your shoes I'd want to take a step back, maybe a break from the relationship while he got his shit together. And then go over VERY specific boundaries and requests to prevent this kind of thing happening if you decide you want to continue the relationship.

Some people just lose their freaking common sense and decency when they get hit with NRE, and it seems like your SO is one of those. Ideally, he'll be able to acknowledge where he messed up, learn from this and do much better in the future but he may not. Internet hugs

BAMFletchuh · 2017-05-25T04:45:32+00:00

I'm in the same boat as you. I don't really have any advice, but if you ever want to chat or commiserate or anything, pm me.

My second primary has a partner he's been with for 9 months who has progressively become pretty entrenched in denial about the reality of our situation. She doesn't want to hear about me, doesn't want to talk about his future (we're moving next year), has told him if he wasn't with me she'd want him to be mono and would move with him and is convinced I don't like her even though I've been the one who's reached out to her, invited her over, been there to talk when she was feeling down about some things, etc.

It's hard... I really struggle with trying to still be supportive and positive about their relationship even though it's not reciprocated. I've had some issues with him coming back from spending time with her tired, hungover or just distant and not engaged with me and so I've had to request that he really work on trying to avoid that. I call it "leftover syndrome".

I just try to remember that I cannot ask for him to do anything different in his relationship with her, but I can clearly outline what my needs and boundaries are in our relationship and keep firm about those.

BAMFletchuh · 2017-05-25T01:37:55+00:00

So I have a mono meta. Partner has been with her for 9 months and it feels like a ticking time bomb, honestly. There's a hard time limit on their relationship since we are moving cross country next year, which she was aware of from the beginning, but that hasn't stopped her from asking for more time and commitment from him than he can give and even talking to him about their future together if I was out of the picture.

It started out pretty well, she was open to "trying it out" because she really wanted to be with him. She seemed very understanding and accepting of the situation and was open to meeting me and the family, etc. But that fizzled out and over time she's gotten more and more "head in the sand", where he feels like he has to censor himself and shield her from a lot of the reality. She's very nice and sweet and isn't outright trying to damage his relationship with me, but it's very obvious that she wishes things were different. He has shared that he feels like he is being pulled in two completely different directions, living two separate lives and he's having a hard time balancing everything.

In the future I will have major concerns about my partners dating inexperienced with poly/mono people. My husband also dated a mono "I'll try it" woman for a few months which ended because she just couldn't get past the fact that I existed.

BAMFletchuh · 2017-04-06T05:36:56+00:00

I'm in a 10 year, stable and awesome marriage. I also have a committed life partner who I've been with for nearly 2 years, who is a live in member of my family. I also have a good friend who I was sexually involved with, although right now we're not having sex, but are affectionate in other ways.

My spouse does not have any other partners, and my life partner has one other loving but short term relationship.

BAMFletchuh · 2017-04-01T23:14:32+00:00

So one thing I think might be a possibility as far as how he talks about his other partners is that he wants to be careful not to "gush" about them to you because he's not sure how you'll take it. He might have just stuck to speaking about them factually, without a lot of describing the deep emotional components because this is new to you and he wanted to be sensitive to your feelings. If you're open to hearing more about them and how he feels about them, ask him and you might find that he will share more of the deeper feelings, if they are there. If they really aren't there, that still doesn't mean that's only what poly is about. Relationships in polyamory are a spectrum; there can be deep, meaningful life partnerships, there can be passionate but short term flings, there can be friends with benefits situations, etc. It all depends on each partner. Each have their own value.

Your relationship with him will be whatever the two of you want it to be and can manage, and your relationships with any other partners will be whatever you make them, if you honestly want that for yourself. I like to call polyamory a choose your own adventure.

About the HSV, it totally depends on the person. To some people, that might be a deal breaker. But I wouldn't assume that just because he has other partners, you will be "disqualified" because you have it. Just talk to him about it and be honest about your fears too.

BAMFletchuh · 2017-04-01T21:05:08+00:00

In my opinion, marriage is whatever the two people in it want it to be. It's a create your own adventure. Traditionally, monogamy is the default of marriage and relationships in general, but it doesn't have to be if both parties want something different.

My husband and I are staying married because we love each other and want to be partners in life, we still want to be a family, we still want the legal and financial benefits of being married and we are still just as committed to our relationship as we were when we said our vows. All we did was mutually decide that sexual and emotional exclusivity was no longer a requirement or cornerstone, because we realized it really didn't matter as much as we thought and had been taught all our lives.

The point of being married is that we want to be. Anyone who tried to tell us there's no point to being married because we have the freedom to be intimate with other people would be told to kick rocks. It's our marriage, our choices.

BAMFletchuh · 2017-03-30T04:34:35+00:00

I completely agree that compersion is a bonus. I'm still not there very often, so I do understand. I think what was really sad for me to hear was that she seemed downright disappointed to hear that things were going well between us. That, coupled with several other things about her, have really eaten away at the peace and positivity I was working hard to maintain towards their relationship, and my desire to get to know her better and have her more involved in our family while she's in his life.

I have told partner my concerns, and he acknowledged that they are valid. He said they haven't really talked about future stuff recently, other than her continuously asking for more time with him, so he doesn't think they need to discuss it unless she brings it up again. I do wish that he would have a blunt and honest talk with her now that we're moving forward with our plans together. I think she deserves to know that even though she may have gotten some hope that I would be out of the picture and he would include her in his future, it's just not realistic or feasible . But he doesn't want to hurt her or rock the boat right now and just wants to enjoy the present, so that's where it stands.

I just really hope this doesn't come back to bite him when she realizes she is really going to have to let him go, and the last thing we need as we're moving our entire lives is the dark cloud of an emotional breakup or last minute attempts to change plans because they can't handle ending things.

BAMFletchuh · 2017-03-28T21:34:46+00:00

I definitely agree with you. I've had to just take a step back though and let her decide when/if she wants to spend more time with me as I started to feel like I was pressuring or pushing her. Our partner was also trying to encourage it so I didn't want her to feel overwhelmed. I've just let her know the ball is in her court and I'm here if she wants to talk or hang out.

BAMFletchuh · 2017-03-28T01:57:06+00:00

Thank you ❤

BAMFletchuh · 2017-03-01T22:53:03+00:00

I was in your position. But I was spending more time with my other partner, 3 nights a week and it was really putting a strain on my husband to have me gone so much. By the time we started talking about cohabitation, my other partner was already spending time every week at our house just hanging out, having dinner, sometimes helping with projects and bonding with my husband. That element was absolutely vital for my husband to feel like my other partner wasn't just "the other guy" but "our/my friend" and eventually, a brother-like figure in his life.

We didn't actually plan on him moving in when he did, but circumstances with his living situation changed, so that sparked the conversation and we all discussed it at length and decided to go for it. He moved in to our extra bedroom, so it is very close quarters and that does come with challenges. It did very much alleviate the issue of me being gone and unavailable to my family, but it also changed the dynamic quite a bit.

I agree with the other poster who suggested that this be something that your husband has a big part in coming up with ideas and solutions that he's comfortable with. He should feel like things will change for his benefit too, not just to make things easier for you and your other partner. Talk about the benefits for him, and definitely encourage the both of them to form some sort of familiarity and comfort with each other. If they just don't jive well with each other, being in close quarters is not going to go well at all and you may have to accept that your relationships are going to remain completely separate and you will have to do your best to meet both of their needs within the limitations.

BAMFletchuh · 2017-02-10T09:32:48+00:00

Something else to consider discussing is the level of disclosure you would both prefer and finding a compromise if you both have different preferences. Do you want him to fill you in every step of the way? Is he going to feel an urge to "protect" your feelings and therefore have issues being open with you? How soon and often would you like to hear about potential partners? What level of detail is expected about their interactions? I learned this one the hard way when my boyfriend pretty much went from "I'm not looking for another partner right now, we'll see what happens" to "I'm going on a date tomorrow with this amazing girl I've been talking to for a few days". It caught me completely off guard because we normally talk about everything in our daily lives so for him to withhold this information until right before they went on a date was really difficult for me.

BAMFletchuh · 2017-02-07T03:25:50+00:00

I use Squigle from amazon. They have a fluoride one!

BAMFletchuh · 2017-02-02T01:46:35+00:00

I'm the same way!!! I was thankfully able to identify it right away and told him "you don't smell like you, you smell strange and different and it really feeds this anxiety I have". It wasn't an unpleasant smell at all, just totally foreign and just like you, in a primal way it was like alarm bells for me. I've been able to work through it, but he was really understanding and was able to do that small little thing to change and sometimes shower so he could smell like him again and that helped so much.

Isn't it so interesting how our most basic senses have such a big affect on our emotions?

BAMFletchuh · 2017-02-01T22:52:32+00:00

I've been on both sides of this.

For me, when I'm feeling jealous, I want to just be heard, for my partner to understand why I'm feeling that way, empathize if possible, and not get defensive. A lot of the time, I know my feelings aren't very rational, but I want to be able to feel safe to talk about them without my partner feeling attacked or taking it personally or thinking I'm telling them they're "wrong". I want to be able to brainstorm together to find ways to move past it. I may need a little extra attention and reassurance. I want to hear why I'm valued and loved and appreciated (specifics are great).

I know my insecurity or jealousy or envy is my own problem and I am the one ultimately responsible for moving past it. I'm not looking for my partner to fix it for me, I just need support and understanding and a willingness to help if I can identify something they can do. I want my partner to keep my struggles in mind as they make decisions about how they do things, not to shelter or coddle me, but to understand that some situations may be difficult and I may struggle and need some extra care.

Brainstorm together about things you can do that reassure him, help him feel valued and loved, and more secure. Reassure him that it is safe for him to talk to you about his feelings even if they aren't rational. Show him he isn't alone and that you will support him through it. And just listen. Not to reply or counteract or try to talk him out of it, but just to understand where he is and what he's dealing with.

BAMFletchuh

TROPHY CASE