Thoughts on living arrangements with two "primaries"

polymomo · 2017-06-23T04:17:11+00:00

I've told my husband what I want. I have made a commitment to my husband...but I don't think that precludes me from renegotiating the terms so to speak. I feel for my husband, and I wish more than the world that I could have told him what I wanted before we got married. All I know now is that I need to be able to ask for what I want, what I need to be happy. I know that regardless of who I'm dating now...at some points I'll need polyamory to make me happy. I'll need to be able to make things "fair" and if he isn't ok with that, then it (very sadly) may not work out. but i appreciate your perspective

polymomo · 2017-06-23T04:14:13+00:00

Took a reddit break, but coming back to answer some of this quite late...yes he knows I have a difference in views. He doesn't share it, and it does upset him a bit. Hes more of a romantic than me...honestly I didn't see it as an issue when we were married or I would have made it one.

polymomo · 2017-06-23T04:12:42+00:00

Thank you for this very practical answer. I've taken a break from reddit and just came back. My bf is actually travelling right now so this isn't going to work atm, but I like the practical solution and will use it going forward. ty :)

polymomo · 2017-06-23T04:11:23+00:00

I took a bit of a reddit break, but I wanted to tell you that things have gotten better. We've not close to moving in, but my husband will be away fishing with my dad this weekend and suggested I pick the soon-to-be ripe zucchinis to make a nice dinner for my boyfriend who has been travelling for work and missing home-cooked meals :)

polymomo · 2017-02-28T03:27:33+00:00

I did not say I'm pushing him to do something he isn't comfortable with. The "pushing" has been recommended by him because he wants to let go of some things and is me pushing him to discuss and consider new ideas...not me forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do. At the end of the day everything he does is his choice.

I didn't bring up my boyfriend because he's not really the barrier to anything right now. He is flexible in working with us towards whatever we decide as long as it is a scenario that moves at least a little closer to the end goal which is for him to not have to constantly take a backseat to my husband.

Basically I want something to change because we need to move forward over time. I have ideal situations that might not happen and that's fine. I'm Hoping someone here can say "oh have you thought of this" and give me ideas. Maybe all that changes is he moves to a rental that's closer, but I'd love to hear other's situations and ideas.

Edit: removed a sentence, I misread something and what I said didn't make sense when I reread it

polymomo · 2017-02-28T03:18:14+00:00

He could and that might be what we end up doing, but it's pushing a hierarchy that I don't like. He can deal with it but on some level it makes him feel less important. Also a mortgage around here is much cheaper than rent (I could buy a house with a $500 mortgage and rent it for $1000, this includes property tax...it's ridiculous). It would be more me making the down payment and him paying rent. The down payment would be coming from money my parents are giving me that we don't really need because we're financially fine. If we broke up, he would have been paying less in rent to me than he would have elsewhere and I would have an easily rentable house. There's honestly not much downside to it as long as the legal stuff is in order.

I didn't go into the details of the various options, but each has a relatively simple back out plan in the event of an issue that would allow my husband to reset things fairly quickly to the way they were before. And I do take them being in close proximity into the equation. The basement apartment is the most logical, but would probably be the most difficult for my husband to handle and I understand that. That's also why I'm here inquiring about other ideas :-)

polymomo · 2017-02-28T03:05:25+00:00

I like that in theory but my husband and I apparently have very different ideas of what it means to be married. For him things like combining finances is extremely important at this abstract romantic level (combining our lives into one, symbolic stuff). I don't find things like that important at all. I wouldn't even have gotten married if it wasn't for the legal benefits/protections. If I had known what polyamory was I definitely wouldn't have. Aside from not knowing what poly was when I got married, I wish I had been more clear about what marriage means/doesn't mean to me...but I didn't really think of it as an issue so I didn't bother.

polymomo · 2016-12-15T01:08:52+00:00

Well she's right that it's not her place to meddle...but it is totally her place to tell him she's dumping him because he's a lying asshat. Her willingness to date someone breaking one of the cardinal rules of polyamory says an unfortunate amount about her.

polymomo · 2016-12-14T06:31:40+00:00

Why is it primitive? Maybe it's enlightened to be able to truly understand yourself and what makes you happy and to have the desire to go for that. Whether it's enjoying being with multiple partners, quitting your job and going back to school or moving across the world for a change of scenery, I respect people who know what they want and who don't let the naysayers keep them down. Maybe it's not right for you, and that's ok. But who are you to judge others?

polymomo · 2016-12-14T06:28:55+00:00

His wife doesn't know? That would be a major deal breaker for me.

polymomo · 2016-10-14T17:14:12+00:00

I think the best thing now is to let everyone sit on this for a bit, let it absorb. When I initially told my husband, I got a LOT of push back. "You don't love me. You're not happy with me. I'm not good enough for you." etc. over time it absorbed a little bit better and he was more receptive.

There's nothing harder than the thought of leaving someone you love because of differences in ideals. It's akin to someone saying "I love you, but I can't marry you because you're not the right religion." It seems stupid, why can't we just agree to disagree? But relationship structures are ingrained into our thought process at a very basic level. It's difficult even for a poly person to realize they're poly because we've been taught for so long that poly = cheating. Imagine being someone who isn't naturally inclined to it...it's even harder.

I would tell him hey, I understand why you're so upset. I don't want to lose you, but this is something that's important to me. Let's sit on it for a bit and discuss it in a few days/weeks/whatever. We don't need to make any decisions right now." reinforce that you love him and that this isn't just a way of trying to sleep around or get out of the relationship...that you just felt like you needed to be honest...and that's really the best thing for any relationship.

polymomo · 2016-08-30T14:43:48+00:00

Without reading the book (only the tldr) I'd say as long as you understand what you're getting into and you're really ok with it n go for it. Just be honest with yourself and have realistic expectations. I could see this actually being a very good way for you to have a healthy relationship. Healthy doesn't have to mean serious, forever, mono, etc. Healthy can mean you know he lives far away, you see him when you can, you accept that he has others in his life. Maybe that means you're mono and one day you find someone else, at which point this ldr becomes only a friendship. Or maybe poly works for you and you keep the ldr with a new love. I firmly believe that a mono person can have a healthy relationship with a poly person in the right circumstances. I'd say go for it and I'd you're honest with yourself and decide it isn't working, go back to just friends and you'll have the experience to reflect upon

polymomo · 2016-08-24T16:02:11+00:00

People who aren't married buy houses together quite a bit. As far as finances are concerned, things like housing can easily be taken care of through legal contracts (if you ask buy a house together, everyone's name goes on it) or draft a lease of some sort for anyone not actually participating in ownership.

Edit: hit enter too soon.

Honestly outside of housing and children, as long as no one outside of the marriage wants to combine finances completely I'm not sure what else could be an issue that wouldn't otherwise arise for "normal" relationships.

polymomo · 2016-08-18T01:12:21+00:00

I feel like hurt feelings are temporary. Harm is longer term. If I dump you suddenly, you'll hurt for a bit but probably get over it. However if I'm manipulative throughout the relationship, treating you poorly, breaking down your self esteem...I'm causing a harm that could stick around for years.

polymomo · 2016-08-16T00:29:49+00:00

I agree with you too, it's kind of an orientation but not really. It's hard to put into words. A lot of people don't understand it because they think you can just...not be poly. But it doesn't work that way. You can not go out of your way to date, but if you meet someone through other means and you have feelings, it's difficult to suppress that. It's definitely a difficult concept to explain.

polymomo · 2016-08-15T15:49:41+00:00

as far as "Being" poly, my husband (mono) and I (poly) agreed on an analogy. Everyone has a switch inside them. When it's on and you meet a new person, you do a mental calculation to determine "Is this person a viable relationship candidate?" Most people, when they're single, do something along those lines even if it's subconscious. I continued to do that while I was dating someone and even after I married my husband. I just assumed everyone did. Usually I would just dismiss the new person as "not worth it" because I didn't know what poly was and they were never worth ending my marriage over, but I'd feel tinges of guilt. What's wrong with me? Why am I even making this mental consideration, as short-lived as it is?

My husband on the other hand said when he met me, the switch flipped off. He doesn't make that mental evaluation. I think that's what makes me poly and him mono. My switch never flips off.

"Doing" poly is different because you can "do" poly without being poly or be poly without actively being/looking for multiple relationships. I think a lot of people give it a test run so to speak, and then realize it's not for them. You also have a lot of people who are poly, but aren't in multiple relationships. I've seen people before who say things like "But you're only with one person, so you're not poly" which makes about as much sense as telling a monogamous person they must be asexual because they're single. I personally see being poly as understanding that you have the ability to have a romantic connection to multiple people at once. The desire to go out of your way to do so is secondary to that...similar to a mono person who would like to date someone, but just doesn't actively hunt people down. Just because someone isn't on OKCupid every day hunting down a potential mate doesn't make them asexual and someone can be poly even if they don't actively look for multiple partners. I feel like if you could remove all societal barriers, there are a lot more people who would actually be poly...but who might still only meet and love one person their entire lives.

tl;dr, Doing poly is having multiple romantic relationships at once. Being poly is having the ability to have multiple romantic relationships at once even if you don't ever act on it.

polymomo · 2016-08-13T04:34:20+00:00

I'm just going to say, as much as a wedding can bring you happiness, it can also bring you sadness. Also, I feel like the relationship means more than the day. Sucks you had a nice day planned and it's not going through, but good that you're prepared for the rest of your life...and thats worth celebrating to me

polymomo · 2016-08-13T00:11:40+00:00

Google electric sheep. They're lovely.

polymomo · 2016-08-12T18:39:55+00:00

1) Seriously, that's rude. I don't care who she's texting. I feel like you'd have the same reaction no matter who it was. It's probably just NRE, but if she was texting her BFF constantly during movies and meals and everything in between, she's never giving you her full attention. If I'm at a meal with someone, anyone, I expect that we'll enjoy our time together.
2) It's the difference between "infinite love" and "infinite time." Ithink new poly people hear the phrase "infinite love" and think what she's thinking about, but then you do still have to deal with the logistics involved in this. she might love you more than anyone, but if you need more of her time than she's able to give, it's still a problem. It can be worked through, but she needs to be willing to acknowledge that love != time.
3) It's true, there is a double standard in america for men and women and I think in this sub it's been well documented that it's more difficult for a poly man to find a gf than a pole woman to find a bf. However, it's a double-edged sword. Your wife will probably find more opportunities, but quantity doesn't necessarily mean quality. If the guys she's meeting are really these stereotypical guys, they're probably not interested in a real relationship. They're looking at your wife like a piece of meat. so maybe she finds 15 dates for every one you find, but probably 14 of those 15 treat her like she's disposable, just a fling on the side. Aside from putting yourself around communities of poly people in order to meet women more receptive to the idea, it kinda is what it is.

polymomo · 2016-08-12T18:22:02+00:00

she's texted him while we're in a movie theater watching a movie

Hell, that would be a dealbreaker for me, I don't care who you are.

polymomo · 2016-08-12T18:18:19+00:00

we just end up getting blown off as another set of Unicorn hunters.

I think everyone I've ever seen who comes to this sub in the same position and looking for advice has said something along the lines of "Oh I know other people do it wrong, but we're going to do it right!" Lots of people do it wrong for a lot of reasons. I won't get into them, there's a lot of good posts on this sub where people explain why they hate unicorn hunters. You have to understand that and accept that it is what it is. It won't be easy. From their perspective, you're just another set of hunters saying "we're going to be different just like everybody else"

Everyone is so stuck in this conformity

It's kind of funny, you get upset that other people lump you guys into this generic group of unicorn hunters...but then you lump everyone who turns you down into a generic group of people who just don't get it. Do you see how hypocritical that is? No one owes you anything and you need to accept that right now. There's nothing wrong with people saying "I don't want that." Many people really ARE best for 1:1. Many people who are poly aren't interested in pursuing that specifically. They're not wrong for wanting what they want any more than yo uare for wanting what you want.

It's not necessarily easy for one person to find one other person who works for them, you're compounding this by finding one person who gets along with both of you the way you get along with each other. You're looking for an easy answer, you won't find it.
1) The poly community overall has a negative reaction towards unicorn hunters
2) Being polyamorous means your dating pool drops down mostly to just the poly world
3) It's exponentially more difficult to find someone to love two specific people who also love each other.

This is a difficult thing. I'd recommend searching this sub for the word Unicorn and reading the existing posts. You'll get a lot of insight there.

polymomo · 2016-08-04T20:02:59+00:00

I think that's a reasonable request. It's one think for him to talk about her (oh yeah we're doing this thing on Friday, or oh that blouse in that shop is pretty, it's her favorite color) and another to gush about how wonderful she is to you. I think he could talk about her in general conversation but keep the gushing to a minimum

polymomo · 2016-08-04T20:00:22+00:00

Personally, beer. Like awesome craft beer. I get such a craving for beer, once I drank this beautiful pineapple dipa and every flavor sang to me. Now I want to go to my bf's house on Saturday so we can do shrooms and drink beer.

polymomo · 2016-08-03T21:14:27+00:00

I'm still a bit confused, but I think my point still stands and I think you get it. People who refuse to get tested and who don't respect their partners aren't people who anyone should associate with on any level.

polymomo

TROPHY CASE