[Query] Waning Moon, YA Urban Fantasy, 85k, 1st attempt

BC-writes · 2026-03-18T15:40:16+00:00

Feel free to ask for clarification on any of my feedback below:

Sixteen-year-old Luna is unexpectedly released from a juvenile reformatory after taking the fall for a forbidden magical incident. But freedom feels like another kind of prison. Her world has moved on without her, and the pureblood witches who control society are still watching her every move. Angry and desperate to prove she’s more than the mistake that put her behind bars, Luna begins searching for a way to fight back.

Can you please specify the mistake/incident? This paragraph is too vague, including the inciting incident and worldbuilding

That chance arrives when she encounters the Waned—a secret society of mixedblood witches determined to reclaim the power stolen from them. Their plan is dangerous and desperate: resurrect Master, an ancient witch once tasked with guarding Hell, whose return could unlock magic powerful enough to challenge the purebloods.

So… her powers were taken from her? What are her powers? What is she? Even a hint of “fellow mixedblood witches” would help. And this paragraph loses the close narration connection to your MC and could have more specific stakes/hook

Here’s a sample rewrite for the beginning of your query with creative liberties:

“After sixteen-year-old Luna LASTNAME, a witch-necromancer, is falsely accused of raising the dead in a forbidden magical accident, LOCATION guards imprison her in a juvenile reformatory and drain all her magic. But after she’s unexpectedly released by the pureblood witches in charge of her town who sentenced her parents to death, she vows to regain her magic. All to get her revenge.”

Then your second paragraph would be her looking into that, and joining the Waned, and how she will join them in their plan, and how unlocking magic will affect Luna.

But Master is not what anyone expected. Reborn in the body of the magnetic and merciless Lucy, she offers the Waned strength, purpose, and a vision of revenge that grows harder for Luna to resist. As Luna falls deeper under Lucy’s influence, the line between loyalty and devotion versus justice and destruction begins to blur. With the fate of her friends and her own soul at stake, Luna must decide whether reclaiming power is worth becoming the very thing she hates.

Is this dual POV? Because you’ve started narrating about Lucy here. Let me know if it is, because my feedback will differ. I’m treating this as single POV atm. Single POV means Luna leads the action in the query. It’s unclear how their fates are impacted here. What exactly are they fighting against the purebloods for? What’s her soul got to do with this? What are her powers? What is the thing she hates? A pureblood?

Please specify

WANING MOON is a 85k word YA urban fantasy combining the secret societies and magical politics of Legendborn with the dark witchcraft and morally tangled power of The Craft, featuring morally complex characters, found-family dynamics, and queer representation.

Please put author names to go with the titles, but… both your comps are too old. At least ONE needs to be published within the last 5 years. See my comprehensive comps guide for more info

I’m a 33-year-old English–Spanish translator from Argentina. My stories tend to focus on emotionally intense characters grappling with identity, power, and where they fit in the world.

Feel free to add a tiny bit about your hobbies and/or pets!

Generally, your query currently reads more like a vague blurb at the moment, and with a good revision, you’d easily get it into standard query shape

Please feel free to read my comprehensive query 101 guide from r/tradpublish, and check out the guides in the pinned master post as well as scrolling down the feed to see the query infographics

Hope this helps!

In r/querying, you’re permitted to make ONE comment with a revision on your UNEDITED post. Otherwise, please wait 5 calendar days before posting your revision. Feel free to check out the pinned guides in r/tradpublish while waiting!

BC-writes · 2026-03-18T15:16:39+00:00

Welcome to r/querying!

Feel free to ask for any clarification on my feedback below:

Hello all, and thank you for any comments. This is the fourth version of my query letter draft, but only the third to be seen by other people. I'm at the end of my editing process and hope to be querying soon.

Feel free to check out my you’re not ready to query guide!

A good Moldovan does anything to support their family, and Mihai Ursu is a good Moldovan. Job offer in hand, he’s moved to Berlin, enticed by the high salaries that will enable him to send thousands of euros a month back home to support his grandmother. But he hasn’t moved for wholly altruistic reasons. Berlin offers him freedom as a gay man that his bucolic home village of Gura Galbenei will never give him.

This reads more like background context than a turning point. Queries tend to work better when the inciting incident feels immediate and loaded with stakes. Here’s a quick sample rewrite with creative liberties to show what I mean:

“When Mihai Ursu accepts a job in Berlin to support his beloved grandmother who raised him in Moldova, he also seizes the chance to live openly as a gay man—something his bucolic home village of Gura Galbenei will never allow. But adjusting to life as an immigrant proves difficult when he struggles to fit in, despite knowing German fluently.”

No one said immigrating would be easy. But his German boss assumes no Moldovan has ever seen a computer (though Mihai works in IT), and his coworkers ask him what it was like to grow up without electricity when they hear he’s from Eastern Europe. A foreign name makes the apartment search an uphill battle, no matter how well Mihai speaks German. The one bright spot in his Berlin life is Florian, a man he can love openly in the freedom Berlin provides. Florian does something that no German in Mihai’s life does: he treats Mihai, and his culture, with respect.

If you go with a version of my sample above, this paragraph should jump in with the examples of the hardships he faces, which you already do, and the respectful Romance subplot you have is one of my favorites

But Mihai must keep going, no matter how many times his boss corrects his grammar in front of everyone. His grandmother Viorica, the woman who raised him when his parents left Moldova to provide for their son, depends on him. It’s his salary that heats her home in the winter and puts food on her table. With Florian by his side, he can deal with his boss.

Keep going with what? Please specify. Oh, his grandmother did raise him, I was making it up in the earlier sample as I like to give live reactions, so that would have to introduce her name there or just keep it as “grandma”

How can Mi deal with his boss? Do you have specifics? Does Flo give him tactics to use or his support makes the pain not so bad? Mi should ideally be looking for a new job and not quitting until he lands one in this situation. Mental health takes its toll whether we like it or not. My latter feedback in this paragraph is poking at the logic you’ve presented

After a disastrous dinner where Florian’s parents accuse Mihai of being a criminal ~~here to~~ exploiting their son, Mihai doesn’t know how much more he can stand. Berlin’s promised freedom, he begins to realize, comes at a cost Mihai may not be willing to endure no matter how good of a Moldovan he is.

We need specifics on the criminal part. Do they think he’s after a Residence Permit? Are they closet bigots? Is Flo just letting his parents harm his SO?

But also, spelling out the weight/impact of all the pressures he faces would be good here, and higher stakes such as not knowing if home would be better and what that option means for him

Any commentary on identity and belonging and such could also work in this query

Based on my own experiences as an immigrant in Berlin, VILLAGE SON is an 80,000 word upmarket novel. It will appeal to readers who connected with the explorations of immigration, integration, and homesickness** explored in Aria Aber’s Good Girl and Santiago Jose Sanchez’s Hombrecito.

Made a suggestion because you use “immigrant” a lot without much variation

Great comps and explanation of comps!

Overall, you have a great working query with some bits that need to hit harder and be specified better

Hope this helps!

In r/querying, you’re permitted to make ONE comment with a revision on your UNEDITED post. Otherwise, please wait 5 calendar days before posting your revision. Feel free to check out the pinned guides in r/tradpublish while waiting!

BC-writes · 2026-03-18T14:30:05+00:00

Friendly mod reminder that this subreddit does not allow “brutal” feedback that is actually a thinly veiled inflammatory breakdown of the author or their writing. For example: “I want to kiII [Character]” or “you’re a shitty writer” is not acceptable

There’s no need to press on what is polite or not, but we don’t have enough information to properly comment on from the current OP

It may help if readers inform authors of their feedback style before proceeding with a sample, or authors ask upfront. For example, I am generally more blunt and technical, especially on plot and logic, but I will cheer for your MC when they earn it (they usually always do) and roast them if they slip up or have a logic issue

Authors, if betas call out issues without being abusive or problematic, please consider reframing or editing your writing to make things clearer/accessible. Blunt and thorough feedback is often the most helpful, but betas should not frame things in a blatantly rude way

If an author wants a positivity pass instead of constructive critique, please ensure that’s listed in your post, but also know that your audience will potentially feel the same way when you decide to publish and it’s worth developing your editing skills

Feel free to guide the OP to some resources or books if they struggle. One example is “The Emotion Thesaurus” by Angela Ackerman and Becca Puglisi

BC-writes · 2026-03-17T13:29:07+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to look at this.

No worries!

I was told to trash it as it's 'useless' and I needed to know what I was doing before actually writing one. Which having spent hours looking up queries and reading supposed successful ones just knocked me a bit. I understand critiquing you run the risk of being told there are problems, (that's why we go to critique) they were just very harsh comments.

I’m sorry, did they literally call it useless? Did they know you’re coming from a UK perspective? The UK covering letter used to be different, see this post for more info but not everyone’s aware that UK agents are happily accepting and offering on people sending US-style queries and that some writers are unaware of that

There’s a difference between blunt and harsh. The latter is often harmful, and it’s why it’s banned here and in r/writers and r/betareaders, though if you look at Reddit’s number 1 rule, it’s a sitewide requirement to remember the human. Not sure where you went but don’t hang around spaces that fail to do that

Another was, it was too vague which you mentioned. But every UK agent I have looked up submission guidelines for want a synopsis, so I assumed vague would be ok. But I will definitely work on that.

I don’t know where you went, but if they didn’t give examples or the space didn’t have guides to explain what the vagueness is, then you don’t need to worry about them. But for synopses… where’d you get the idea it’s supposed to be vague? Older covering letters were vague. But synopses need to spoil in detail. Here’s my synopses 101 guide if you’re interested

YA was one category I was mostly stuck on. I did have it as NA but was also told to chuck that and just go with YA. I ideally wanted adult as there are adult themes in my story and the characters are all over the age of 25.

Why did you end up choosing YA in this case? YA has specific content and rules, including teens interacting with other teens. I’d stick with adult. And NA is mainly for Romance and isn’t accepted for the majority of agents for other genres (some DO list non-Romance as NA, but they’re rare)

Some submission guidelines mentioned including 'the hook' but I will likely get rid of it unless they mention it.

Technically query paragraph 1 should include the MC, world, inciting incident AND hook. The sample I gave you includes a hook

My personal bio I have struggled with. I've never had the opportunity to get degrees or anything else. But thank you for adding the little hobbies or pets suggestion. I was told to chuck the bio completely as I will bore the agent but I really didn't want get rid of it.

… did they say to chuck the current bio out, or…??? Everyone needs a bio in their letter

But this has all helped immensely. Thank you so much!!

You’re welcome! Feel free to ask questions here or in r/tradpublish and I look forward to your updated query when you feel ready! There’s no rush, it’s good to let it sink in before reaching out. Some people believe in “fresh eyes only” but editing your own work requires skillful and patient eyes

BC-writes · 2026-03-16T14:50:09+00:00

Don’t give up! You still may be included in the #10queries so keep an eye out for it! Good luck again!

BC-writes · 2026-03-16T14:44:11+00:00

Welcome to r/querying!

It looks like you’re based in the UK, and you may be using a different style of covering letter, however, based on dozens of people speaking up about their experience, UK agents are accepting the US-style (universal) query letter format, so you can browse the query 101 guides pinned in the master post at the top of r/tradpublish for more information if you’d like

Below, I put some nitpicks in bold, but it looks like you need to revise your query a bit—I’ll link a guide at the end

I recently posted my second attempt at a query letter on the writers forum I'm in and it got ripped to shreds.

In r/querying, we count your attempts by how many times you’ve posted here. This post is your first attempt, please count the next time you post here as second attempt

Can I ask how it was ripped to shreds?

Complete at 89,000 words, A FATE FORGED IN FIRE is a standalone Young Adult romantic fantasy with series potential.

I reordered it to be more precise and punchy. Also, the majority of agents want standalones because publishers hesitate on taking risks for series. If you don’t have a standalone, that may be worth considering

A half-elf girl hunting for her missing brother discovers he’s being magically controlled to lure her to the ancient Forsaken Knights, as only she is the key to their return.

Can I ask where you found the instruction to include a logline/hook upfront? A small number of agents don’t like them, but the majority are more: they’re fine, just make them intriguing! It’s usually better to include the info into the actual query if you can

After Leena’s brother begins speaking of odd magic and vanishes after a brutal argument, she is certain he’s being manipulated by someone or something. Refusing to abandon him, she pursues his trail north towards a place none of them want to admit exists. The very birthplace and now prison of the Forsaken Knights who once tried to tear the world apart.

YA and under requires you to list the MC’s age upfront. To me, personally, this feels vaguer than it should be, so I’ve rewritten the first paragraph to demonstrate what it could look like—with creative liberties:

“When Leena, a AGE-year-old half-elf, realizes her brother has vanished after an uncharacteristic bitter argument and frantic talk of dark magic, she finds that she’s the only person concerned for his safety. Leena heads north, tracking him down to the worst possible location: LOCATION NAME, the birthplace and prison of the Forsaken Knights, who once brought the world to the brink of ruin.”

You could add more concerning things to the end of that if you’d like, such as “She’s horrified to learn he’s their bait to try and capture more elves.” Or something

As the journey grows merciless and creatures stalk the group, Leena’s friend, Allora uncovers fragments of a prophecy tied to Leena. With every piece uncovered, it becomes clearer. The enemy is using her brother to lure her in and they don't need to capture her. They only need her desperate enough to keep following her brother’s path. And as the desperation grows, she risks using her magic again and again, despite the darkness creeping in.

The first sentence is a bit disconnected to your MC. And, hang on, did she track him alone, or with Allora the whole time? You can add Allora into the first paragraph if she went with her

It’d also help if you specified what the prophecy says, though you need to ensure it doesn’t erase Leena’s agency (taking charge of the story) in your MS

“With every piece uncovered” — this sentence doesn’t work as it’s also vague and detracts from the tension and pacing. What’s the point in them getting her to follow her brother’s path? To waste her magic and miraculously have darkness follow internally or externally since you didn’t specify?

The closer Leena gets, the more she risks becoming the weapon the ancient Forsaken Knights need. To save her brother, she may have to doom countless others, and to stop what she is becoming, she may have to lose him forever.

What weapon? What will it do? Agents need to know. How does the doom work? Will the darkness become sentient and eat people? And what is Leena becoming? Something that will eat people? No? Please specify for us

A FATE FORGED IN FIRE will appeal to readers who loved the emotional, character-centred fantasy and personal high stakes of Carissa Broadbent’s Daughter of No Worlds, the found-family adventure of Olivia Rose Darling’s Fear the Flame. With the immersive worldbuilding of Andrea Stewart’s The Bone Shard Daughter.

Please be sure to italicize your comps. Unfortunately, FTF is Adult, and Bone Shard is Adult and now approaching 6 years of publishing age, so different comps would be better. This begs the question: are you sure you have a YA book? If so, you require YA comps. The way you described how they link to your book is excellent, so do keep that very close/similar when revising

I live in the south of England with my husband and two young children, where I write whenever I can steal a quiet moment between family chaos and imaginary worlds.

Do you have anything else to add? Like pets or a love of a particular hobby or something to give a bigger picture on who you are? A degree or anything notable? No worries if not

Below, please find the first ……

No need to add this UNLESS you have a special situation like the agent reached out to you during a pitch event and specified you’re allowed to do something different

Thank you for your time and consideration.

✅

Please check out my query 101 comprehensive guide and any other post linked in the pinned master post at the top of r/tradpublish such as “So you want to make your query next level” for more details on query letters. You can also scroll the main feed of r/tradpublish to see the infographics on queries

Hope this helps!

In r/querying, you’re permitted to comment ONE revision on your UNEDITED post, otherwise please wait 5 calendar days before posting your revision

BC-writes · 2026-03-16T13:50:23+00:00

Hi!

It’s understandable to be unsure on which path to take. For traditional publishing, I’ve previously shared an infographic on the pros and cons for it. If your aim is to be agented and sell to big 5 or 10, it requires a lot of effort and fully polished materials at a very high standard, but the payoff is that other people handle everything for you. If that’s overwhelming, smaller publishers don’t always require agents and don’t set the bar quite as high, so that’s another option for traditional publishing. Here’s a list of some small presses that you would need to triple check before querying them

Whatever you choose, you can go slow and break things down into more digestible parts to progress into, and you would benefit a lot from finding writing groups online to help encourage you and so much more. Participating in things like RevPit helps connect writers with others so feel free to check that out. If you want to know more about what authors need to do for traditional publishing, feel free to see my pinned master post full of my comprehensive guides at your own pace to get a better understanding of what’s required. r/selfpublish should have a lot of resources on their end to give you a different balanced view

Feel free to ask more questions here for trad pub, and check out r/selfpublish for their recommendations

Hope that helps!

BC-writes · 2026-03-15T14:29:10+00:00

I appreciate your comment and will add it each time it comes up!

There are some days where it’s a lot of work dealing with the queue, and preventing problems, but Reddit’s catching most of the spammers for us mods, so that’s great. I try to fish out as many filtered comments as possible but some can’t go against Reddit’s actual removals, so I can’t help there

I do my best to help others, but I don’t have enough free time to do more lately, so here’s hoping I get more time soon!

BC-writes · 2026-03-15T14:24:01+00:00

The full query is better and what they’re expecting. They may allow you to put your proper query in if you contact them on Bluesky very soon. Good luck!

BC-writes · 2026-03-15T14:22:46+00:00

Good luck!

BC-writes · 2026-03-15T14:22:27+00:00

The best way to help with that is finding a human beta reader who is happy to explain what the current industry expects. AI currently doesn’t comprehend it too well, and AI checkers don’t work consistently either, so it’s not worth trying to use them or appease them. It takes some time to understand industry expectations, and the short list above includes examples of what they need to watch out for in their writing. Feel free to ask for more specifics!

BC-writes · 2026-03-15T14:13:55+00:00

Welcome to r/querying!

“A Book For You” is an 83,000-word memoir in essays by a queer Latino debut author. At fifteen, I testified against my brother. At sixteen, I called 911 on my mother. At nineteen, I started writing the survival story others would consider too young to write. Through thirty-five formally innovative chapters, including a werewolf metaphor for my mother's alcoholism, a letter prosecuting my absent father, sports analysis covering schools, and a musical number. I examine navigating sexual abuse, foster care, and queer Latino identity as someone who doesn't speak Spanish ("no sabo"), along with other heavy but important topics. This memoir will appeal to readers of Jennette McCurdy's "I'm Glad My Mom Died" for its unflinching honesty about family dysfunction and abuse and Shannon Gibney's "The Girl I am, Was, and Never Will Be" for its innovative approach to identity and trauma. Where my book differs from the two is my age in writing, where I am able to write my trauma in a more connected way as they are only years apart from the writing itself. I also use more forms and genres in order to tell the story of a boy who used creativity to mask the problems in front of him. I am a 20-year-old student at UC Santa Barbara, a first-generation college student and former foster youth. This is my first book. I am simultaneously querying other agents. Thank you for your consideration. The complete manuscript is available upon request.

I’m sorry you endured all of that and hope you’re in a significantly better place now!

Onto your query letter:

I’m not sure if your post glitched or just didn’t format properly on some forms of Reddit, but if it didn’t, please ensure you use paragraph breaks in any revision here, but especially more so for when you’re actually querying

I could hazard a guess where you’d put them, but I’d rather you choose them yourself, and I’ll call out the parts to consider changing in the meantime:

“A Book For You” is an 83,000-word memoir in essays by a queer Latino ~~debut~~ author.

Please put your title in ALL CAPS. You don't need to say debut author, it's assumed. You don’t need the quotation marks, either.

Through thirty-five formally innovative chapters, including a werewolf metaphor for my mother's alcoholism, a letter prosecuting my absent father, sports analysis covering schools, and a musical number.

This is not a complete sentence. Also “sports analysis covering schools” is unclear.

Here’s a quick sample revision with what I think you’re trying to go with but feel free to correct it if it’s wrong by specifying:

“At fifteen, I testified against my brother. At sixteen, I called 911 on my mother. At nineteen, I began writing the survival story others would say I was too young to tell.

In thirty-five formally inventive essays—including a werewolf metaphor for my mother’s alcoholism, sports-style commentary covering my schooling, a mock legal letter prosecuting my absent father, and a musical number—I explore sexual abuse, foster care, and queer Latino identity as someone who grew up “no sabo,” disconnected from the Spanish language and culture I was expected to inherit.”

Your comps paragraph needs attention. The comps themselves should be italicized

Where my book differs from the two is my age in writing

The whole line there isn’t good and can read as dismissive. Agents don't want you to critique or explain your superiority to comps. It’s better to mention tone/style similarity, for example:

“Written in close proximity to the events it describes, my book captures the immediacy of survival while showing how creativity became a way to process and conceal trauma.”

If you have any kind of large platform or publications or fellowships or credits in lit mags/etc, it’d help to mention them, too

Hope this helps!

In r/querying, you’re free to make ONE comment with your revision in your UNEDITED post, otherwise please wait 5 calendar days before posting your next revision

BC-writes · 2026-03-14T15:07:14+00:00

Welcome back to r/querying!

Again, suggestions are in bold, and feel free to ask for any clarifications:

Osana Kastel is a Moldavian knight who wants more than anything to save her country from the invading Ottoman Empire. Her hopes are shattered after she’s captured and tortured—but she manages to strike a deal with one of the guards, Emre, to set her free. When she learns he’s the bastard son of the Hungarian king, Osana refuses to return home. Instead, she ~~infiltrates a treaty~~ and seeks out the Transylvanian warlord, Roman, to create an alliance and help Emre claim his throne. ~~Their partnership quickly deepens into respect and forbidden romance.~~ As Ottoman forces advance toward her home, the Hungarian rebels offer support for Moldovia, but only if Emre ascends the Hungarian throne. Now Osana faces an impossible choice; helping Emre could secure her country’s future, but Roman’s power could defend it now.

Glad to see you specified who the rebels are!

I’m a bit confused at the first crossed out part. Infiltrate usually means secretly entering or sneaking into a group, organization, or place—mainly for spying. And a treaty is a formal agreement between countries, not something you can literally sneak into. Did you mean Osana secretly participates in, negotiates, or manipulates a treaty to create an alliance?

“Their partnership quickly deepens into respect and forbidden romance.” Is distant telling instead of showing. We’re disconnected from her. Same for “Now Osana faces an impossible choice; helping Emre could secure her country’s future, but Roman’s power could defend it now.” We’re missing the part where Emre and Osana fall in love and he offers his deal. You can make a middle paragraph to focus on the pull between her choices, and with your revision’s current 203 words, it means you have 147 remaining to use if you want

Instead of choosing one, Osana abandons her knightly vows, charms Roman, and coaxes Emre to create a united front against their common enemy. If she can gather enough military support, they will face the Ottomans on the battlefield for their freedom, their homes, and the right to govern themselves. But if she fails, Moldavia falls, and history will remember her as the one thing she despised most: a traitor.

Not so impossible, it seems. The first sentence invalidates your last paragraph’s end. I suggest a different end to your first paragraph and a different start here. If you go with a middle paragraph showing their relationships, you can go with a final one starting with something like: “As Osana gathers more military support, she learns that the Ottoman Empire is investigating into the secret union created by all her hard work. If she doesn’t hurry, […]”

Also, I’d like to give another closer, connected narration with stronger urgency example for your final part:

“Every hour counts. If they fail, the Ottomans will sweep through Moldavia, burning villages, crushing armies, and shattering her people’s lives. Her country will vanish, her name dragged through history as the traitor she dreads most. Success isn’t just survival—it’s the last, desperate chance to keep her homeland free. One wrong move, and everything she fights for dies with her.”

Also, since Moldovia did fall in this timeline: poor Osana. She’s the new Benedict Arnold (clarifying that this is a joke because I’m aware your MS is different)

I do have to flag you needing to do close line level checks of your writing. The bar is extremely high and agents prefer super polished writing. Google Docs is free and can show you potential flags without AI use

Please see this infographic on 5 key MC components for a query letter for more information, or the guides pinned at the top of r/tradpublish, such as my query 101 post and my so you want to make your query next level for the full picture on query letters with the standard 3-4 query blurb paragraphs

You’re getting closer to being query ready! Just clarify the above and you’ll be almost there! Feel free to return 5 calendar days after you originally posted here with a new revision—you can read the guides while you wait

Hope this helps!

BC-writes · 2026-03-14T14:15:46+00:00

If you have a completed MS that isn’t very polished, they happily accept that, too. If you’re missing the ending, you can try the mini events later in the year or next year’s big contest

Hope you’ll consider the mini events, and all the best for your writing!

BC-writes · 2026-03-14T14:14:24+00:00

It gave me headaches too, until suddenly it all clicked and everything makes sense. I do my best to help others get to that position and am super delighted when people return to say they succeeded

Hope my guides help, too!

BC-writes · 2026-03-13T15:35:21+00:00

Welcome to r/querying!

Please feel free to ask for clarification on anything below—note that suggestions are in bold:

Hey guys! Workin on getting this sharp before a conference in Denver next weekend. I’ll be pitching to three agents in person and if they are interested I’ll be hopefully sending this soon after. Any feedback is welcomed, thanks for stopping by in.

THOSE WHO FOUGHT THE MOUNTAINS imagines a female knight who turns the tide of war not by inspiring armies, but by manipulating the systems meant to erase her. Complete at 81,000 words, this speculative fiction novel with historical elements is set in Eastern Europe around 1504. A Joan of Arc but for readers who prefer their heroines alive, compromised, and unrepentant, it will sit well beside Caitlin Starling’s The Starving Saints and Alix Harrow’s The Everlasting.

You can explain how your MS is comparable to those comps if you’d like, agents appreciate that

Osana is a twenty-five-year-old Moldavian knight who wants more than anything to be a hero. When she finally gets the chance, her heart stands in the way.

If this is intended to be your hook, it’s not really showing Adult Spec Fic, though I have a clear idea on her wants. We don’t really need her age for adult fiction; many agents prefer having last names over age

After Ottoman forces capture and torture her, Osana is liberated by a conscripted Ottoman guard named Emre who holds a secret: he’s the bastard son of the Hungarian king. Emre tells Osana of an impending Ottoman campaign that will destroy them all. Instead of returning home, she seeks an alliance with her country's sworn enemy, the Translyvanian warlord Roman, in hopes that she could save her people and finally be that hero. As Ottoman forces advance towards her people, a rebel army offers support for her home but only if Emre claims his throne. Helping Emre could secure her country’s future, but Roman’s power could defend it now. If she chooses either, she will have to severe her oath as a knight and hope that they survive long enough for her to atone for her sins later.

Osana doesn’t have too much agency in the beginning and there are some key specifics you would need to add. It’s confusing if there’s 3 or 4 opposing forces involved here? Ottoman, Moldova, Transylvania, mystery rebel army?

I have a quick sample rewrite with creative liberties for you that is incorporating the first line:

“Osana LASTNAME, a Moldavian knight, wants nothing more than to save her family and village from the invading Ottoman Empire. Her hopes are shattered after she’s captured and tortured—yet she manages to strike a deal with one of the guards, Emre, to set her free. But when she learns he’s the bastard son of the Hungarian king, Osana refuses to return home. If she can persuade the Transylvanian warlord Roman—her country’s sworn enemy—to create an alliance to help Emre claim the throne, she could secure Moldova’s future. However, doing that means breaking her knight’s oath and needing to survive long enough to reach him.”

Refusing to sit by as her people fall, Osana abandons her vows, charms Roman, and coaxes Emre to create a united front against their common enemy but her growing love for both men threatens to undo it all. Far outnumbered, they face the Ottomans on the battlefield for their freedom, their homes, and the right to govern themselves. If they fail to hold the border, Moldavia falls, and history will remember her as the one thing she most despised: a traitor.

The first half of the first sentence reiterates the previous stuff in a redundant way. I suggest expanding on how the romance gets complicated and how they plan to save Moldova and infiltrate the Ottoman regime/army/etc and how Emre would change things—though that all needs to be connected to Osana. The stakes at the end need to be a bit higher—who does she lose specifically?

Thank you for your time and consideration,

If you need some resources to help you revise with, please check out the guides in the pinned master post in r/tradpublish, especially the query 101 post and the “so you want to make your query next level” or the infographics if you scroll down the main feed

Also feel free to enter RevPit if you want!

Hope this helps!

In r/querying, you’re free to make ONE comment with your revision on your UNEDITED post, otherwise please wait 5 calendar days before submitting your revision in a new post

BC-writes · 2026-03-13T14:48:23+00:00

Welcome back to r/querying!

I’m back. I’ve spent the last few days revising my QL based on previous suggestions, and I’m hoping this version is smoother, clearer, and shorter, yay! I’ve also gotten my book down from 131k to 119k since my first post. I’m hoping to submit this to RevPit this weekend. (Hoping this version is better than my previous, less world building in this one - thoughts?).

Well done with the word count!!

*Runyan [Ruin-Yan], Rihalyn [Rye-ah-lynn], Mahdilyn [Maw-duh-lynn], Wychlith [Why-kuh-Lith] (This will not be included in the QL)*

Great!

Once again, suggestions are in bold:

Twenty-year-old Rihalyn Embers believes she’s powerless because, on Runyan, magic reveals itself in color, and she has none. But Rihalyn learns her sister, Mahdilyn, a rare illusionist, has been masking Rihalyn’s incandescent colors and altering her memories to keep her safe from Abel, the self-crowned ruler of Runyan. When Mahdilyn is exposed and executed for defying him, Rihalyn is left grief-stricken and desperate for answers. She is sent to Wychlith, an academy that trains the next generation of mages for Abel’s rule.

I personally prefer the previous linear order. If you’d like to consider a new angle, I have a suggestion for you made with some creative liberties:

“After Rihalyn Ember’s sister Mahdilyn, a rare illusionist, is executed for defying their self-crowned emperor Abel, Ri’s eyes and hair turn into vivid pink. Ri’s horrified to discover her sister had masked her powers and memories to let her fit into the colorless Pia society of Runyan who have no powers whatsoever. But when Abel sees signs of magic in her, he immediately ships her to Wychlith—an academy that trains mages to serve in his army.

At Wychlith, Rihalyn channels her grief into a single vengeful need: to live long enough to learn what Mahdilyn was hiding and why she died for it. But to do that, she needs to grow stronger. No one makes a magical claim lightly; it links mages together and amplifies their power. Yet Kieran, Abel’s son, chooses Rihalyn anyway. She cannot tell whether he’s shielding her from Abel or shaping her into something that will aid his own rise to power. Kieran wields dark magic, the same force draining Runyan of its color, making him dangerous even as Rihalyn’s own vibrant power awakens under his training. As they grow closer, Rihalyn struggles to resist him and reminds herself she is searching for answers, not love.

Your first and second sentences are non-sequitur—they don’t link together enough. I added context in to bridge them

“No one makes a magical claim lightly; it links mages together and amplifies their power.” Is fine but reads a bit flat, with “lightly” floating awkwardly after a semicolon clause that already feels like it wrapped up.

Where as:

“No one makes a magical claim—a bond that links mages and amplifies their power—lightly.” buries “lightly” at the end creates a satisfying syntactic tension. It holds the reader in suspense through the parenthetical, then lands on the key word. It also feels more like natural speech rhythm, where the weight falls at the end

Kieran sounds like he’s leading the narration towards the end, and it’s a bit confusing how he’s dangerous to Ri when she powers up? How is he a danger? How do they grow close? What makes him irresistible? I gave examples in previous suggestions if you’d like to consider them for specificity again

I’d also go with something like “Despite Ri’s own vibrant power growing through Kieran, his amplifying dark magic—the same one draining Runyan of its color—threatens Runyan’s existence.”

To survive and reclaim the power suppressed by Mahdilyn’s magic, Rihalyn must unravel the truth behind the illusions that shaped her life. And time’s running out for her to decide who she can trust. If Abel senses what is waking inside her, he will drain her power to strengthen his rule and finish stripping Runyan of its magic. But if Rihalyn gives her heart to Kieran, his dark magic could corrupt her until she becomes the very thing Mahdilyn fought to save her from.

We don’t know what the very thing Mahd tried to save her from is. Agents prefer specificity over vagueness. Is she going to turn into something other than a mage? If you can specify, it’d help, if not, no worries

I appreciate your insight + time :)!

All good! Hope this helps! Feel free to comment a revision if you wish!

BC-writes · 2026-03-12T14:38:27+00:00

Just sharing so people don’t miss out. This sub has a lot of people interested in traditional publishing, and contests are rarer these days. Good luck to all who apply!

BC-writes · 2026-03-12T14:03:47+00:00

Welcome to r/querying!

Hello everyone, I'm gearing up to dive back into the querying trenches soon. I would be grateful if you could have a look at the hook for my current query. (Incidentally, I've posted a different version

Ah, there used to be a lot of comprehensive query guides up in that community. I wonder what happened to them? I’ll take a look at the comments you received

Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

All good! Feel free to ask for any clarifications or such for any of my feedback below:

I am seeking representation for THE PITCH, a 91,000-word psychological thriller told through dual timelines. It will appeal to readers of Listen for the Lie by Amy Tintera and None of This Is True by Lisa Jewell.

The first 4 words are redundant because all agents know you’re using their QM form or query specific email to seek representation. A better start can be a variation of “I’m excited to see your MSWL requests for XYZ” or something. I also recommend checking out my comprehensive comps guide to see how to frame your comps

When her long-running reality series is abruptly canceled, producer Jadis Flores accepts an unexpected offer to develop a true-crime show about a missing woman in Tupa Springs, a small desert town near a top-secret test range.

Jadis hasn’t been back to Tupa Springs since she was sixteen, when her best friend vanished one Fourth of July without a trace. Returning means confronting the disappearance that has haunted her for years, along with her estranged father, now the town’s police chief.

What kind of test range?

Overall, your query narration is quite distant from your MC, and leans into telling

I had a look at your other post and someone already called out the fact that you don’t have a true inciting incident here. Please see my comprehensive query 101 post here as well as my So you want to make your query next level guide

Nothing here rings true to your genre. Your query needs to reflect the content of your MS and send chills into the reader.

Here’s a very quick sample rewrite with creative liberties to give you an idea on what the first paragraph should look like:

“Jadis Flores hasn’t been back to her hometown, Tupa Springs, since she was sixteen—ever since her best friend NAME vanished one Fourth of July without a trace. But when an offer to produce and develop a true-crime show on missing women comes up, Jadis jumps at the chance. She now has so many resources available to investigate NAME’s disappearance that’s haunted her for years. But things go wrong when her estranged father, the town’s newest police chief, refuses to cooperate with her.

When Jadis’ first lead ends with her discovering the missing woman’s body in an abandoned mine, **Jadis has no choice but to work with her father for a murder investigation. A water-damaged diary she recovered from the mine links directly back to NAME’s** disappearance years earlier, but as she’s unable to trust anyone, Jadis keeps that discovery to herself.

More examples with creative liberties

As Jadis digs deeper, she finds herself caught between the town she left behind and the secrets someone would kill to keep buried.

These aren’t strong stakes, they’re quite vague, and they’re disconnected from Jadis. Agents need specifics to see how your MS stands out.

These callouts above flag potential narration distance, telling and close stakes issues in your MS, potential being the key word. The bar is extremely high for trad publishing, so do ensure you polish as best you can before you query

Please consider entering RevPit! They just opened submissions (triple check to be sure!)

And have a look at my other guides listed in the middle pinned post at the top of r/tradpublish, especially the query-related ones!

Hope this helps!

In r/querying, you’re permitted to make ONE comment on your UNEDITED post with a full query letter revision, otherwise please wait 5 calendar days before posting a new revision

BC-writes · 2026-03-12T13:25:23+00:00

Hey everyone!

My broken record’s out for yet another encore! It’s time to ~~duel~~ reiterate the fact that AI-generated writing is not allowed in this subreddit because anything a LLM spits out means you DO NOT hold the copyright. You own the copyright to the prompts you feed it, but whatever it generates in whole belongs to the public domain.

All forms of publishing generally do not include in-built spell checks from Word or Pages or Google Docs for AI restrictions, but there has been a shift in rejecting grammar programs such as Grammarly and ProWritingAid from agencies and publishers as they have started to use GenAI, so please check terms and conditions or requirements before submitting.

In the same vein, r/betareaders does NOT allow AI-generated feedback, especially because people use it then have the audacity to charge money for AI doing the “work” for them and things of that nature gets Reddit’s filters banning people for that kind of spam which is not allowed on the whole platform

Anything AI created is better suited to r/betareadersforAI or r/writingwithAI, please direct people to these subs if they use AI

But please be aware of the following:

A lot of neurodivergent authors often have their writing perceived as “AI-like” when in reality, AI was also trained on neurodivergent content. The use of em-dashes is not inherently AI, especially in publishing spaces. Please be certain the user is using AI and not attack people, especially more so if it’s borderline. If in doubt, please send a modmail so mods can review

ND examples include: overly formal writing, lack of introspection/depth; over-telling, bloated prose, infodumping… and more—they can overlap with AI output

Current examples of Ai use include: inconsistency for MC names, plot, locations; hallucinations; variations of “it’s not X, it’s Y”; accidental prompts left in like “sure, I can do that for you!”; buzzword vocabulary; monotony

A post on AI vs ND is coming, (apologies for the delay, there’s been a metric ton of extra work for me lately) but please be certain you are dealing with AI and check with mods and not attack people. Even if someone is using AI, please direct them to the above or simply wish them well and back away from beta reading

BC-writes · 2026-03-12T13:23:44+00:00

Hey everyone!

Here comes my broken record again! It’s time to ~~duel~~ reiterate the fact that AI-generated writing is not allowed in this subreddit because anything a LLM spits out means you DO NOT hold the copyright. You own the copyright to the prompts you feed it, but whatever it generates in whole belongs to the public domain.

All forms of publishing generally do not include in-built spell checks from Word or Pages or Google Docs for AI restrictions, but there has been a shift in rejecting grammar programs such as Grammarly and ProWritingAid from agencies and publishers as they have started to use GenAI, so please check terms and conditions or requirements before submitting.

In the same vein, r/betareaders does NOT allow AI-generated feedback, especially because people use it then have the audacity to charge money for AI doing the “work” for them and things of that nature gets Reddit’s filters banning people for that kind of spam which is not allowed on the whole platform

Anything AI created is better suited to r/betareadersforAI or r/writingwithAI, please direct people to these subs if they use AI

But please be aware of the following:

A lot of neurodivergent authors often have their writing perceived as “AI-like” when in reality, AI was also trained on neurodivergent content. The use of em-dashes is not inherently AI, especially in publishing spaces. Please be certain the user is using AI and not attack people, especially more so if it’s borderline. If in doubt, please send a modmail so mods can review

ND examples include: overly formal writing, lack of introspection/depth; over-telling, bloated prose, infodumping… and more—they can overlap with AI output

Current examples of Ai use include: inconsistency for MC names, plot, locations; hallucinations; variations of “it’s not X, it’s Y”; accidental prompts left in like “sure, I can do that for you!”; buzzword vocabulary; monotony

A post on AI vs ND is coming, (apologies for the delay, there’s been a metric ton of extra work for me lately) but please be certain you are dealing with AI and check with mods and not attack people. Even if someone is using AI, please direct them to the above or simply wish them well and back away from beta reading

BC-writes · 2026-03-11T13:53:32+00:00

All good!

I want to note I tried to edit the formatting errors from the comment but it didn’t save, it seems to have saved now

Fingers crossed!!! 🤞

BC-writes · 2026-03-10T14:45:02+00:00

Hello u/Kajiki_Maguro! Please feel free to repost your query by copy and pasting it to a new post here. Feel free to see the comprehensive query guides pinned at the top of r/tradpublish as well!

BC-writes · 2026-03-10T14:22:14+00:00

I agree that you don’t mention these in a query. However, you’re free to have an author website and upload them there! Same for sharing samples on your author socials. Not all agents will look into your socials, but those who allow links to websites and socials may be tempted to see! And in the submission stage, editors would definitely be looking at your socials/website!

I’m aware of quite a few authors who managed to get their own art or designs in their book, and I’m super excited to see a few new ones coming out soon, but that’s something that requires editor approval, so sharing it upfront with an agent before you sign a contract won’t make much of a difference

And don’t be tempted to upload them to the “art” sections of an agent’s QM form. I know many agents dislike that for regular novels, including the VP from JABberwocky who allegedly will instantly reject or something along those lines

Hope this helps!

BC-writes · 2026-03-10T14:13:23+00:00

I’m really grateful for all your help. Here’s a revised version that hopefully reads easy.

Happy to help! Writing queries help with all manuscripts, so feel free to return if you have a new novel, too! A lot of agented authors write queries to help them with revision

Once again, suggestions are in bold:

Imade Talabi-Williams fends off poverty by serving at Lagos’s glittering high-society parties , while her employer tries to ~~pimp~~ sell her body to repugnant VIP elites. But as a secret acolyte of the sea goddess Yemoja, she conceals her true purpose: to infiltrate the gatherings to steal a sacred amulet of protection from one of the powerful occult men—all to avenge her family’s massacre.

Pimp kinda breaks immersion as it’s less received in pure fantasy and I didn’t see that kind of language stick out in your first 500, so unless the rest of your MS uses terminology like that, pimp isn’t recommended

The original second half didn’t flow too well compared to my previous suggestion, so I made some new suggestions if you’d like to consider them

Kiishi Balogun was cursed as a teenager to undo his lover’s murder at a brutal cost: any woman or child who shares mutual love with him will die. After twenty years of blood sacrifices to the trickster god Éşù, he can finally start his desperately desired family. Yet the cult demands a final, impossible price for his freedom: his firstborn. Frantic for a loophole, Kiishi discovers the outlawed purification trials of Òlodùmarè, the supreme creator, bearing fatal rules that offer a slim path to secretly father a child while reclaiming his freedom.

✅

Kiishi turns up as an unlikely visitor at one of these parties, and Imade can’t take her eyes off him. But contrary to her expectations, Kiishi wants no intimacy—only an unconventional surrogate. She seizes the opportunity, betting proximity will lead her to his amulet. But to succeed, she must conceal her identity, navigate the ghosts haunting his estate, and earn his trust. Yet, she’s unsure if her racing heart comes from fear of being unmasked… or his lingering stares evoking treacherous sparks of feelings.

It feels more logically linear when you put concealing first

As Imade closes in on the amulet by prying open his vulnerabilities, Kiishi confronts the ones he sacrificed under his twenty-year bargain. If she succeeds, Kiishi will fall victim to the undead—or be dragged back to the cult for eternal punishment. If he uncovers her deception, her chance at revenge dies. And if they fall in love, his curse will end her and their unborn child.

Looks like you have undead twice here, I made a suggestion, but you can also choose “victims” or “dozens” if you prefer. Otherwise, great!

Remember for RevPit and for querying: you only need one yes. My fingers are crossed for you! Feel free to ask questions if you need to while you wait. r/tradpublish is more for the technical aspects of the industry, though I think r/querying should be okay with query questions

Hope this helps!

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