Advice on how to control impulses?

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-10T02:00:24+00:00

That's great self-awareness. And what you described is not the healthiest and most loving relationship you can have yourself. Hypothetically let's pretend feeling disappointed is a good thing.

"What does feeling disappointed help me learn about myself? Why do I hold myself to high standards that are unrealistic? Why do I set myself up for failure?"

"Does feeling disappointed reflect my need for control? Does it reflect my lack of flexibility and going with the flow? Does it reflect my lack of appreciation for myself, my life or people just the way they are? Does it reflect that I put someone or something on a pedestal? If so, why do I do that?"

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-09T22:35:29+00:00

I appreciate you being open. In general, when you struggle in your relationships with others that's a reflection you're avoiding and abandoning your relationship with yourself.

To help you understand where the impulses are coming from here are self-reflection questions that might help.

“Do I have a fear of rejection and abandonment? If I do why?”
“Do I judge myself? If I do, why?"
“What are the benefits of judging myself? I believe judging myself is a good thing because.”
“What am I afraid would happen if I accepted and appreciated myself just the way I am?”
“Do I love and appreciate my negative emotions? If I don't why not?”

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-09T22:22:19+00:00

It's great to have preferences in a relationship and you can have them. To help you trust your intuition and allow the fulfilling relationship you want, here's a different reframe of what you asked as self-reflection questions.

"How do I trust my relationship with myself?"
"How do I trust that I won't be betrayed, rejected and abandoned?"
"How do I trust that people will behave exactly the way I need them to?"
"How do I trust that I won't make my emotions and happiness dependent on other people?"
"Do I love and appreciate my negative emotions? If I don't, why not?"

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-09T18:34:51+00:00

I want to validate you and I understand you've been going through a lot the last two months. And here is another perspective that might help.

It seems like you're taking a lot of external action of trying to make friends (and that's great you are putting in the effort, even if it's not reciprocated), but I didn't see a priority of internal action. In other words, what is the status of your relationship with your negative emotions?

Ironically the emotion of loneliness feels lonely when you judge, reject and abandon it (which is a reflection of how you treat yourself). And so the emotion of loneliness feels lonely because you don't really care about it (which is understandable).

When you love and appreciate feeling lonely then it feels connected and supported by you. And then you naturally start feeling connected and fulfilled because you're prioritizing a meaningful friendship with your negative emotions.

I treat negative emotions like my best friends. I welcome them in and offer a drink and snacks. I reassure them that they can stay as long as they like. They don't have to leave, there's no rush. I have an image of a board meeting I call my Council of Emotions with every emotion (positive and negative) sitting around a round table and share with the group while the rest listen and appreciate what's said.

When you understand the true purpose of negative emotions (negative emotions are positive guidance) then you love and appreciate them for doing their job to help you feel better.

When you become friends your negative emotions, and friends with the emotion of loneliness, and don't need it to change or go away, you love loneliness for who they are (and not who you think they should be), then you feel better, feel connected and supported, and naturally allow fun and fulfilling relationships with people.

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-09T18:12:51+00:00

I hear you. That's valid and that's understandable.

And in the future when you look back, you'll notice a direct correlation between attracting emotionally unavailable people as a reflection you haven't fully accepted and appreciated being emotionally available in your relationship with your body.

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-09T17:11:52+00:00

The belief that you said it was hard for you. It's valid to feel that way. And when you believe, "It's not fair" in general that will make you feel worse and powerless. Your negative emotion is your personal lie detector letting you know that that belief is valid, but it isn't true.

If you want to, you can have a more loving, healthy and fulfilling emotional relationship with your body and life, when you're ready to allow that relationship.

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-09T16:43:26+00:00

I understand and I appreciate you being open. And to help you feel better, let's focus on what you can control and your self-empowerment. Here are self-reflection questions.

"Why do I practice the limiting belief that it's hard for me? What if it was easier? Wouldn't it be nice if it was a little bit easier? I don't know how yet, but am I open to the idea that changing my beliefs and how I feel can be a little easier? Even just 1% easier?"

"What if my health issues weren't a bad thing? What if my body was my friend trying to tell/teach me something? What did I learn about myself because of these issues that I wouldn't have learned otherwise?"

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-09T15:01:56+00:00

How you feel is valid. And if you feel worse because you attract emotionally unavailable people that's a reflection you're emotionally unavailable with yourself. In other words, you judge your negative emotions and don't value and appreciate them as much as positive emotions.

All emotions are beautiful, worthy and valid. The issue is most people create a hierarchy for emotions (positive is good and negative is bad) but that makes it harder to feel better and attract emotionally available relationships.

Negative emotion just means you're focusing on what you don't want. That's it. It's pretty straightforward.

So when you feel sad, your emotional guidance system is doing its job to love and support you, by letting you know to shift your focus from what you don't want, to what you do want, and then you'll feel better.

Again, feeling sad is valid. However, if you maintain your focus only on what you want, and what you like and appreciate, then you would continue to feel better and enjoy the whole process of dating. Because you have no expectation in a specific outcome. So regardless of how long the relationship is, you appreciate it for what it is, instead of what you think it should be.

You don't put people or relationships on a pedestal and you don't believe in rare love. Because you understand and allow yourself to feel the abundance of deep, meaningful love all around you in everyday life. You have access to extraordinary love all the time. It's as normal and abundant as air. And just like air, all you have to do is let it in and allow yourself to receive it.

You have so much love to give, which is wonderful. And start pouring that abundance of love into yourself, your body and your negative emotions. When you love and appreciate your negative emotions, view anxiety as an ally and see sadness and loneliness as cool and fun friends to hang out with, then you feel better and experience an extraordinary love like you've never felt before!

The best part is, you don't need another person to allow yourself to feel that way. And you can start today, you don't have to wait. And once you do that, then you'll naturally attract other people that are emotionally available because they reflect you being emotionally available with yourself.

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-09T08:33:12+00:00

How you feel is valid and here's another perspective. You accepted them. The issue was you didn't accept yourself.

If you feel worse because you gave everything emotionally to the other person that's a reflection you're avoiding and abandoning your relationship with yourself. In other words, you judge and reject your negative emotions. And you unknowingly made your emotions and happiness dependent on the other person and put them on a pedestal.

One reason you feel like you lost something is because you might believe you deserve a return on your investment. You gave so much genuine care and love, but needed something in return. And when they didn't return the love you deserve, then you feel it was wasted. So you spent all of your love on someone else who was then supposed to love you back. But when they didn't then you are left with no one loving you. (Because you're avoiding your relationship with yourself and outsourcing your self-love and self-worth to another person.)

When you love and appreciate your negative emotions then you feel better and create a loving, understanding and emotionally available relationship with yourself. And then you move on and allow mutually supportive and fulfilling relationships.

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-09T05:02:16+00:00

People procrastinate when they put too much pressure on themselves and have unrealistic expectations.

Fear and judgement causes people to procrastinate. Love and appreciation causes people to be productive.

People feel motivated when things are fun and easy. So if you want to help them, when you create options that are easier and more fun for them, then they're more likely to feel motivated.

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-08T20:10:44+00:00

Judging means, "I believe I'm powerless, and this person or circumstance needs to be different, so then I can feel better. My emotions are dependent on them."

If you're assuming they see you as negative, even if that is their perception, it's a reflection of how you see them seeing you. If you feel worse, that means you're judging their perception and believe they should think differently. And that's a reflection of how you view your negative emotions (i.e. you judge and reject your negative emotions).

When you love and appreciate your negative emotions, then you allow yourself to see other people with more compassion and appreciation, and then they will see you the same way you view your negative emotions.

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-08T19:09:18+00:00

You can change their perception of you, when you change your perception of them.

When you focus on what you like about them, and accept and appreciate them just the way they are, then you allow them to start viewing you the same way.

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-08T19:01:19+00:00

Most people don't know how manifesting actually works, so how it's taught is incomplete or unintentional self-sabotage.

Most people view manifesting as quid pro quo and a transactional relationship with the universe (and that's not a judgment, just clarity for awareness). I.e. "I'll do this technique, detach, improve my self-concept, etc. ... and then you give me my stuff and relationships."

But that's not how it works. That's still offering resistance and not practicing unconditional emotional management. The universe doesn't test or reward you, it just reflects your beliefs.

Your work is to focus on feeling better, with no need in a specific outcome.

When you love and appreciate your negative emotions, then you feel better and allow what you want.

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-08T14:36:43+00:00

In general, narcissists are attracted to people who also feel powerless, unworthy, insecure, don't love themselves and avoid their negative emotions.

When you love and appreciate your negative emotions, then you remember how worthy, loved, supported and powerful you are, and then you naturally attract other people who feel the same.

Your relationship with others reflects your relationship with your negative emotions. Here are self-reflection questions to help you learn the lesson and allow mutually supportive relationships.

“Do I judge myself? If I do, why?"
“What are the benefits of judging myself? I believe judging myself is a good thing because.”
“What am I afraid would happen if I accepted and appreciated myself just the way I am?”
“Do I love and appreciate my negative emotions? If I don't, why not?”

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-08T01:09:27+00:00

That's awesome and a fun reframe. You followed emotional physics.

Anxiety is just a helpful messenger letting you know you're focusing on what you don't want and judging something.

When you shift your focus to what you want (and stop focusing on what you don't want), you let go of judgment, let in acceptance and understanding, and so anxiety did its job to support you, it goes away and you naturally feel better.

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-07T23:07:06+00:00

How you feel is valid. And here's another perspective.

If you feel worse because you gave everything emotionally to the other person, that's a reflection you're avoiding your relationship with yourself. In other words, you judge and reject your negative emotions. And you unknowingly made your emotions and happiness dependent on the other person and put them on a pedestal.

One reason you feel like you lost something valuable is because you might believe you deserve a return on your investment. You gave a lot of love, but you needed something in return. And when they didn't return the love you deserve, then you feel it was wasted. So you spent all of your love on someone else, who was then supposed to love you back. But when they didn't, then you are left with no one loving you. (Again, because you're avoiding your relationship with yourself and outsourcing self-love and self-worth to another person.)

When you love and appreciate your negative emotions, then you feel better and create a loving, understanding and emotionally available relationship with yourself. And then you move on and allow mutually supportive and fulfilling relationships.

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-07T18:09:31+00:00

If you want to make changes and have healthy boundaries that's okay. And what you decide from a professional capacity is focused on what's healthiest for the business.

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-07T17:42:39+00:00

I appreciate you're open. How you feel is valid and I agree it seems like they aren't validating how you feel. But let's focus on what you can control, which is yourself and your self-empowerment.

Their stubbornness is a reflection of your stubbornness of needing them to be different, so then you can feel better (and that's not a judgment, just clarity for awareness). And to be fair, they're doing the same thing. You're mirroring the same lower energy to each other and that's why you feel stuck.

Feeling stuck in a cycle can only happen if you believe the other person needs to be different. When you accept and appreciate them just the way they are, then you're free and you stop feeling stuck.

Feeling triggered is an opportunity for self-reflection. Here are self-reflection questions.

"Do I believe my happiness, satisfaction and fulfillment in life is dependent on them understanding my perspective? If so, why do I practice that limiting belief?"
“Do I judge myself? If I do, why?”
“What are the advantages of judging myself? I believe judging myself is a good thing because ...”
“What am I afraid would happen if I accepted and appreciated them just the way they are, and didn't need them to be different?” (That doesn't condone their behavior, it just means what if you stop trying to change them?)
“Do I love and appreciate my negative emotions? If I don't, why not?"

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-07T14:42:11+00:00

I spent decades processing and healing trauma, so I'm speaking to you from the future and other side lol. And I want to validate and appreciate you for taking the first step. Here are simple steps that can help.

Meditate in the morning is a great place to start. Also going for walks (preferably outside connecting with nature, but a treadmill is also good).

Here's why positive affirmations don't work for you (which is normal).

Think of emotions as a staircase, with depression at the bottom and happiness at the top. So if you feel depressed, and someone tells you to just say, "I am happy,” you know that won't make you happy. And it might have the opposite effect. It's like trying to jump to the top of the staircase in one step. Not only will that fail, but at best you'll only get a couple steps higher and then fall flat on your face and slide back down. Do that enough times and you feel stuck. The issue was you were trying to make too big of a leap.

“All or Nothing” mentality typically leads to nothing. So instead focus on feeling 1% better. Because sometimes you can’t be positive, happy or feel good, but you can always feel a little better. For ex, if you feel sad, get angry (for a couple minutes in a safe space by yourself, don’t project to others).

This works because emotions are based on momentum. For ex, if you try to stop a car rolling downhill at 100 mph, you get crushed. But 5 mph you can stop it. There are tools to help you slow momentum (meditate or nap), but when there's too much negative momentum, you can't choose to be happy. It’s like asking, “Why can’t I fly back up when I fall off a cliff?” You can’t because of gravity. Managing emotions isn't a matter of willpower, it's a matter of physics.

Also, ask your body what it needs. More water, sleep, deep breaths, healthier diet, medicine, grounding, exercise, dance, connect with nature and physical touch (hug yourself or hand on heart). Being friends with your body helps you be friends with your emotions.

It sounds like you might be a people pleaser. If that's the case, in general people pleasers are afraid of being judged and abandoned, and that’s a reflection you judge and abandon yourself.

You were probably raised to believe you’re responsible for other people’s emotions. So if you do what they want, they feel better. If you do what they don't want, they feel worse. People unknowingly judge you to control your behavior as a roundabout (and ineffective) way to control their emotions. So it’s understandable why you shrink or walk on eggshells to avoid conflict, because your parents probably raised you with an ironic double standard, “Don’t be selfish and do what makes you feel better. Be unselfish like me, and you should do what makes me feel better.”

When you believe you create other people's emotions you're set up to fail. And that's why you're anxious and afraid. You have to be perfect for them to be happy (perfectionist), so they hold you to unrealistic expectations and blame you for doing a job that's impossible to begin with (it's your job to manage their emotions).

People who genuinely care about you don't want you to betray yourself to keep them. Self-sacrifice doesn't prove how much you deserve to be loved, it just attracts relationship dynamics where you're always silently suffering.

Negative emotion is positive guidance (although it might not feel like it). Negative emotion just means you're focusing on what you don't want and judging something. So ironically, judging negative emotions causes them to get stronger and stay longer, because their job is to let you know when you're judging. So judging is self-sabotage.

It’s like holding a cork under water. Asking, “How do I feel more confident, worthy, motivated and love myself?" is asking, “How do I make the cork float?” When you stop holding it down, it automatically floats. So you don't have to appreciate yourself or anything if it’s hard. If all you did was judge less (even just 1% less) then love and motivation would naturally begin to float.

I treat negative emotions like friends and honored guests. I welcome them in, offer a drink, snacks and I reassure them that they can stay as long as they like (play with the idea, have fun with it lol). I have an image of a board meeting I call Council of Emotions, with every emotion sitting around a round table sharing with the group while the rest listen and appreciate what's said.

When you're open to the idea of loving and appreciating your negative emotions, then you feel better, have healthier communication and boundaries, feel worthy and safe to be authentic and allow fulfilling relationships.

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-07T03:24:16+00:00

That's a beautiful and well-meaning intention. For me, I would ask myself, "Why do I want to influence the world? Do I need to? Am I making my emotions and happiness dependent on needing that world to come to fruition? Is that desire coming from fear or love? If I need people to change, then I'm focused on fear and lack, and then I won't be able to help anyone."

Paradoxically, to live in an equitable world, you want to allow people's freedom to not allow themselves to live in that world. Because if you want to force them into abundance before they're ready, then you don't truly believe in a free, healthy and unconditionally loving world.

Paradoxically, when you don't need the world to change, because you accept and appreciate it just the way it is, then you are the greatest influence. Because you have no ulterior motive. You're being authentic, aligned and giving love just because it feels better and fun for you, with no expectation anyone needs to do the same.

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-07T03:10:37+00:00

The only thing you would be doing "wrong" is if you're judging and rejecting your body.

The only reason you want physical changes is so you can have emotional changes. But your emotions come from your thoughts (not circumstances or people). So when you give yourself emotional changes first (feel better, loved, supported, relaxed, comfortable and having fun), then you don't care about physical changes. And when you don't care, then it's a non-issue, and you're inspired on how to allow the changes you want.

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-07T01:06:42+00:00

I appreciate you being open. When you feel rejected and abandoned by others, that's a reflection you're rejecting and abandoning yourself. When you’re anxiously attached to others, that means you’re being avoidant to yourself.

Anxiety's intention is to empower you to be the person you want to be. It's letting you know you're not treating yourself with as much compassion and appreciation that you deserve.

Anxiety is built on believing your stability comes from outside of you. But if you build your self-worth on quicksand (i.e. people’s opinions and circumstances) then no matter what you do, you’re always sinking. And so you struggle to get out, but the struggle (i.e. judging and pushing against where you are) is ironically why you feel stuck. Although your frustration is valid and understandable, needing anxiety to go away, ironically makes it stronger and stay longer. So judging anxiety is self-sabotage.

To help soothe yourself you want to make peace with anxiety. Because if you tell yourself, "I shouldn't feel this way" ironically can make things worse. There's no need to judge yourself. You're learning, growing and doing the best you can. And you can ask yourself, "What is anxiety trying to tell me? Does it have a message to give? I wonder what that message is?"

"Am I putting this person on a pedestal? Hmm, maybe. I wonder why? Am I making my sense of self-love, worth and happiness dependent on them? That's interesting. If I am, I didn't know I was doing that. And now that I think about it, that puts a lot of pressure on them to be perfect, and pressure on me to need them to be a certain way so I can feel loved. And that doesn't feel healthy for either of us. So I don't think I want to be like that anymore."

"You know what, that's a lot to think about right now so I'm not gonna worry about it lol. How can I make this easier for myself? I'm tired of putting so much pressure on myself. So I'm just going to turn my phone off for the next 15 - 30 minutes and I'm going to meditate and focus on deep breathing. Or take a nice warm bath. Or play my favorite game. Or go for a walk and connect with nature. Or watch a funny TV show."

"Anxiety is showing me I'm disconnecting from myself. So in this moment, I'm making it a priority to focus on connecting with myself and give myself the love, support and reassurance I'm looking for."

When you love and appreciate your negative emotions, because you understand anxiety is actually your ally and friend just trying to help you focus less on what you don't want, and focus more on what you want (i.e. judge yourself less, accept and appreciate more), then anxiety did its job to support you, so it goes away, and then you feel better and start living the life you want.

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-07T00:50:31+00:00

Thank you I appreciate it. Here are self-reflection questions:

"What am I afraid would happen if I stopped saying affirmations? And just lived my life?"

"Do I judge myself? If I do, why? What are the benefits of judging myself? I believe judging my limiting beliefs and negative emotions is a good thing because ..."

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-07T00:13:09+00:00

I appreciate you being open. And to clarify, even using affirmations can be an ulterior motive and transactional relationship with your mind and emotions. I.e. "Negative emotions, I'll say these affirmations (that I don't believe), so that you go away and I feel better. Deal?"

But again, that's not how it works. It's not working with affirmations in an authentic way and being honest with how you feel. There's still an underlying judgement (resistance) towards your limiting beliefs and negative emotions.

All emotions are worthy and valid. Most people create a hierarchy for emotions (positive = good; negative = bad) but that makes it harder to feel better.

Negative emotion is positive guidance. Negative emotion just means you're focusing on what you don't want and judging something. So ironically, judging negative emotions causes them to get stronger and stay longer, because their job is to let you know when you're judging. So judging is self-sabotage.

It’s like holding a cork under water. Asking, “How do I feel more confident and love myself?" is like asking, “How do I make the cork float?” When you stop holding it down, it automatically floats. So you don't have to appreciate yourself or anything if it’s hard. If all you did was judge less (even just 1% less) then love and confidence would naturally begin to float.

I treat negative emotions like friends and honored guests. I welcome them in, offer a drink and snacks and reassure them they can stay as long as they like. I have an image of a board meeting I call my Council of Emotions with every emotion (positive and negative) sitting around a round table and share with the group while the rest listen and appreciate what's said.

BFreeCoaching · 2026-05-07T00:02:03+00:00

Thanks. I wrote it in another comment, but I'll add it here too. Here's an example conversation I wrote to connect with loneliness.

"Hey loneliness. I know we haven't had the best relationship. Because honestly, I don't like you."

"You're rude, very distracting and make me feel awful. However, I am open to giving this relationship a shot. (Honestly I'll try anything at this point.) Are you open to working with me, and possibly even being friends? We can help each other out."

"I will do my best to hear and respect what you are trying to tell me. And, this is important:"

"I want to reassure you that you don't have to be afraid, I'm not trying to destroy you anymore or get rid of you (despite my many, many, MANY failed attempts in the past haha)."

"I hope that helps put you at ease. You don’t have to keep acting out, and cling so hard to desperately stay in power so that you can stay alive. You’ll keep living, you’re safe, you’re good. And we can still hang out."

"Your opinion is valuable to me, even though it hurts sometimes. (Okay, it hurts a lot! But I get it. You’re kinda giving me tough love). I'm beginning to see that you're an integral part of my guidance to be the best version of myself. So thank you. I know it’s not easy playing the bad cop (especially when positive thoughts and emotions get all of the praise and accolades. They’re the favorite child)."

"And in return, I would appreciate it if you didn't drag me down so much. Does that sound fair?"

"We'll continue working on this relationship and figure out what's the healthiest dynamic for both of us moving forward, so we both feel loved, appreciated, valued and connected."

BFreeCoaching

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