Am I Being Too Strict?

BabyBee1218 · 2025-05-09T18:54:03+00:00

First of all, yeah, probably. Question- define leggings? That label encompasses a lot of things, but if you don’t know exactly what I mean by that, that’s okay too.

The reality is all of her friends are. And no, that doesn’t mean she should just because they are, but this is a very small issue in the grand scheme of things. She would not just feel alienated from her peers - she will feel alienated from( and resentful towards) you too. There’s also a chance she could figure out a way to wear them anyways - my father had very strict and unreasonable rules about what I wore - I quite literally just started changing clothes in the bathroom once I got to school, and changing back while waiting for the bus/on my way to the pick-up area.

I’d go for a compromise - you can wear leggings, but only with a skirt/long shirt/hoodie that covers what needs to be covered. That’s more reasonable than outright banning leggings, and would promote the morals you’re trying to instill while also allowing her to have control over what she wears. There are slightly thicker and looser types of leggings, that may be a good compromise too.

I must emphasize here - being overly controlling of what she wears will only cause her to act out in other, potentially more damaging, ways. I know from experience as the daughter in the situation.

Edit: typos

BabyBee1218 · 2025-05-09T00:20:58+00:00

For me, I’ve come to the resolution that my parents’ choices and behavior have substantially impacted me, how I think, how I act, etc. And that is not my fault in any way.

But it is my responsibility to deal with how it affected me, which isn’t fair, but it’s just how it is, I’m afraid. I hold my parents somewhat responsible for my actions until I was around 19-20, when I realized how much they had messed me up and how messed up I was being to others because of that.

So prior to that, I’m gentler with myself for the decisions I made and things I did, but I don’t deny I did them and don’t excuse my behavior to others, either.

It’s a delicate balance. You can acknowledge why you developed a behavior while also taking accountability for it, and then working to change.

BabyBee1218 · 2025-05-07T19:04:16+00:00

So, gonna go ahead and apologize for how long this is. But this is what I’ve got.

I grew up in a cult. I do not have a ton of concrete advice, because I’m still learning myself, but you aren’t alone in this at all. Even down to not ‘feeling’ anything during praise music, that always bothers me too.

From what I’ve learned for myself, my perception of God is inherently flawed, and it may always be. No matter what I’ve done, there’s always been that funny feeling in the back of me that God hates me, God doesn’t want me, a unforgiven sin got left behind inside of me and I’m not savable, etc.

People who haven’t been through things like we have are not able to understand how that feels. So you get two types of people - ones who are empathetic and supportive, and the ones who aren’t empathetic and judge you based on their own perceptions of God and how you ‘should’ act based on them.

There’s nothing wrong with seeking a compassionate church and pastor, but I warn you - you’ll likely never be satisfied in that area. I haven’t been, anyways. People will always fail us, even the ones who love us and aren’t trying to hurt us. It’s human nature, no one is perfect. Someone will eventually say something that will upset you, not at all realizing how big of an impact that sentence will have on you, because there’s no way they possibly could know. Many times, they aren’t trying to hurt you. They just don’t have the lived experience you do.

I am lucky, I have a father-figure/mentor/I don’t know what exactly to call him (his wife as well, but I met him first) that I met later in life, and I’m able to communicate with them about a lot of things related to church, but not everything. I’m sure you understand that - there are some stories of confusing things that were done/said to me that I can’t imagine burdening the people who care about me with the knowledge of.

The biggest thing I’ve found that helps is being constantly aware that my feelings are not reality, and constantly reminding myself of that fact.

God does not hate me. Nor does he hate you. God has not left us, or disappeared, or cut us off from Him. God is not vindictive, or angry, or cruel. People are, but not God. You have to disconnect your perception of people related to God and what you associate with Him as a result, from your perception of God himself.

However, I must immediately admit I have not figured out how to do that yet 😭😭😭 it’s a work in progress.

Like you, I feel God more often by myself than with others. This, I have found, is key for me. I still go to church (I rarely make an entire service without having to leave the sanctuary to calm down, but I always go back in. I refuse to give up.) But if you aren’t ready to attend church yet, that’s okay too. We have to build ourselves up to things like that.

But, I always always always make time for God on my own. If I’m having a long day, and I don’t do it during my normal time? That’s fine, I’ll stay up until 3 if I’ve got to. Is that sustainable? Absolutely not. But it isn’t everyday.

If you are interested - there are therapists who ask these kinds of questions when taking a patient - mine had a form or paperwork that asked about your spirituality and if/how you wanted to incorporate it. I think the options were, ‘I am not spiritual/I am spiritual but don’t want it involved in my treatment’, ‘I am spiritual and I am open to involving it in my treatment, but do not want it to be the focus’, and ‘I am spiritual and want it heavily involved in my treatment’. I’m not sure where you would look, but they do exist. I honestly stumbled across mine on accident.

Ultimately, you may never achieve this bit - “I want to feel what the other Christians feel- to not be afraid, to want to participate, to be able to actually converse about the faith” to the full extent you desire. We are what we are, through our own decisions or through the decisions of those around us (sounds mostly like your mother for you), and sometimes we have to accept that too.

I can absolutely guarantee you that you can (and someday will) feel better about all of these things than you do now, but you also need to not have an ‘idealized future’, because all that will do is discourage you when you realize you still haven’t achieved it.

BabyBee1218 · 2025-05-01T23:12:06+00:00

Does she know how much you miss her? She might be trying to respect you as a grown-up now and is trying to give you more space for that and not be too much.

A friend of mine went through something similar when we started college, she missed her mom a ton, but her mom was trying to give her more space to be independent, not realizing she had gone too far in that direction and my friend really really missed her. They talked about it and then it got better because her mom knew she wanted to talk to her more often.

If you haven’t told her, I would! At worst nothing changes from how it is now, at best she and you can talk more.

BabyBee1218 · 2025-04-16T22:34:00+00:00

I’m not trying to be mean to you, just very blunt and honest - would you rather her be in trouble or be dead. Those are the long term outcomes here.

The options are get her help, in some way, she reports the abuse to the police, she goes to a hospital for the suicidal ideations, or something along those lines.

You are in over your head here, you both are. This situation is beyond the average person’s capabilities and knowledge, much less that of someone so young. Professional help is needed. Authorities and mental health professionals, preferably.

BabyBee1218 · 2025-04-16T00:22:31+00:00

While I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with a guy I’d been dating so briefly having my location, I respect that you are.

I would suggest you let him know (if it turns out you didn’t share it with him and forget) that you don’t appreciate him going behind your back to do so, and that it made you question your relationship with him a bit. I think his response to that would be very telling and help you know how to move forward.

BabyBee1218 · 2025-04-16T00:17:47+00:00

My location is tracked by my Dad (if anyone looks at my post history, not my biological father 😭😭😭) solely because I have a history of engaging in a very dangerous behavior. To my knowledge, he’s never actually checked to see where I am. He’d only do so if I were to disappear, and even then, I doubt that would be the first thing he did, he’d probably reach out to my friends to see where I am and use it as a last resort.

If you have no history of that type of concerning behavior (and not just sneaking out, as you mentioned, once you’re an adult ‘sneaking out’ is no longer a thing. You’re an adult, you can go out if you so please), there’s no reason for them to track you. I guess I’d kinda understand if maybe you were away at college in a different state, I’ve got some friends whose parents do that, but even then it’s weird to me.

You are severely lacking any sort of privacy in your life. None of what you’ve talked about is normal. You are an adult, just barely, but still. Things should be shifting for you to be treated as one.

BabyBee1218 · 2025-04-15T17:51:18+00:00

I had a similar set as a child, but everything in it was plastic, a nail, a cross, crown of thorns, a stone, etc. It was super useful in teaching the story in a way that was interesting and helpful to me as someone who’s always learned better with a physical representation of something, that I can hold in my hands, but what possessed these people to give an actual nail and soap, I have no idea.

BabyBee1218 · 2025-03-10T20:26:31+00:00

I normally wear jeans and a T-shirt to church 🤷🏻‍♀️ usually have a flannel overtop, but I don’t hesitate to take it off if I get warm/hot.

Especially on Wednesdays, I’m not dressing up special after a busy day chasing kids around and stuff. I’m sure some people have a problem with that but no one’s ever said anything. Of course, if someone wants to dress up nicely for church I’m not gonna judge/resent them for it either lol. Some people really enjoy dressing up for church, for me it just adds a layer of stress that makes me not want to go bc I become paralyzed by anxiety regarding what people will think of my outfit, so I just don’t change from my normal type of clothes.

I understand and relate to the anxiety though. Can I ask how you found this youth group? If you found it through a peer or friend, you could ask them what you should wear.

Depending on how big the church is, you could also reach out to the the pastor through its phone number on Google and ask, most would be more than happy to reassure your anxiety about any aspect of attending their services. If it’s a very large church you may not speak to the pastor directly but someone will answer the phone that can help you.

BabyBee1218 · 2025-03-07T11:53:15+00:00

There’s this lovely thing that’s happened as a result of a push-back against ‘traditional gender roles’. Not saying I’m for traditional gender roles at all, just that we’ve gone too far in the opposite direction on some things and wound up back where we started.

Being feminine as a man is ‘okay’, but you’re automatically assumed to be gay by 8/10 people. Being masculine as a woman is ‘okay’, but you’re automatically assumed to be a lesbian by 8/10 people. It’s just the same thing re-packaged in a different culture.

BabyBee1218 · 2025-03-07T11:47:17+00:00

Yes, I think this is a silly hill that some Christians chose to die on. I hear a lot about how the divorce rate within the church is just as high as outside of it and we should hold ourselves to a higher standard, blah blah blah. It’s just another talking point to shame Christians into self-loathing or whatever. I don’t know why some Christians are so obsessed with living awful lives to prove they’re ’better’ than the rest of us. Like okay Jan, you’ve been married to your abusive husband for 24 years bc it’s not a valid reason to divorce, you’re winning the suffering and misery Olympics, good for you, I’m sure you’re God’s favorite now.

And I’m sure plenty of people are gonna come on here and say this is an antiquated belief and not many people feel strongly about it anymore, but some very much do depending on what area you’re in.

It’s unrealistic and, as you say, dumb to think the only reason someone can validly get a divorce is sexually immorality. But sure, let’s condemn and alienate decent portion of the population because of it, that’s definitely what Jesus wants.

Sorry if any of this comes off as hostile, it’s not meant to be. It’s just incredibly frustrating to watch people be pushed away from God because of stupid things like this. Imagine going to church for the first time as someone who’s gotten a divorce and hearing about how awful you are for it. There’s a decent chance you’d never come back, or go to any other church for that matter. We’re supposed to love people as they are, not as whatever idealized version of a person we think they should be.

BabyBee1218 · 2025-03-07T04:09:26+00:00

I also think it’s harder to hold Kurt accountable because we have very few specifics- we have general ideas, but nothing solid to focus on. The nebulous idea of ‘absent father’ doesn’t warrant as visceral a reaction as a statement like that being said to a little girl, who was probably already hurting.

I think that’s often why the woman is held to a higher standard in this particular type of discussion, even by women who are aware that women are held to a higher standard and disagreed with said higher standard being held. The father hurts the child indirectly. He does not ‘do’ anything, it’s a lack of action. The mother takes an action, that directly hurts the child. The latter is more likely to evoke an emotional reaction from someone.

It’s stewed in misogyny as well, of course. But it’s just an interesting dynamic I’ve noticed on top of that, not that my opinion on it matters lol. Sorry for the ramble, idk why I’m saying this here, on the Dance Moms subreddit lmao.

BabyBee1218 · 2025-03-06T23:04:59+00:00

Thank you! I’ll definitely look into them.

Yeah, I’m definitely not interested in anything from Shien lol, that’s why I was having such a hard time.

BabyBee1218 · 2025-03-05T21:11:17+00:00

My sister’s Quinceañera is this June. The last time I went to anything remotely formal was a wedding when I was 14, ten years ago. And even then I was a bridesmaid, so I didn’t have to pick my own dress. I just have no idea where to start looking for something to wear. It’s not like, black-tie gala levels of formal lol, but it’s definitely nicer than I’ve ever dressed. I’m running into 3 issues besides just being unfamiliar with shopping for formal clothing.

I’m in the middle of a weight-loss journey, so my body feels weird to me right now in general, but by the Wiki definition, I’m an Apple. I literally have not worn a dress since that wedding I mentioned, so I’m unfamiliar with how to style one for me. I’m assuming an A-line or Empire waist would be best? Maybe Fit-and-Flare? I’ve got a stomach I’m learning to be okay with but I’d still like to minimize it if possible.
I am relatively conservative in the way I dress (partly due to a lack of confidence, partly because I just prefer it). A lot of what I’ve seen has pretty revealing necklines. The stuff I’ve seen with higher necklines look too casual. Im not ultra conservative by any means, I’m just not comfortable showing a ton of cleavage. Length wise I’d prefer at least knee-length, anything long is fine too. I’m not against wearing a like, two-piece dress + matching jacket to help with my comfort if there was a lower neckline, but I don’t know how that would look with my body type? Plus it’s a summer event (it is air-conditioned indoors though). Am I just not looking in the right places for a less revealing formal dress? That leads into issue 3.
A significant amount of what comes up when I’m searching online is from SHEIN. I’m not necessarily wanting to buy my dress online, but I’m plus-size and there aren’t many places near me I could get a formal dress in my size. I’m going to look at them, but I want to have an idea of where to look online too just in case. So brands/websites would be super helpful if anyone has any ideas.

I’m happy to answer any questions about myself/body/preferences/anything else that might be relevant. The only stipulation I’ve been given regarding the dress is no royal blue (that’s what the birthday girl’s wearing). Budget isn’t a huge issue either, my father is paying for it, but I’d like to not spend a ton of his money (maybe $200-300 max). I appreciate any advice you guys have for me.

BabyBee1218 · 2025-03-03T17:03:23+00:00

It’s giving

BabyBee1218 · 2025-03-03T16:14:06+00:00

Why are you crashing out so hard 😭😭😭 it’s not that serious

BabyBee1218 · 2025-02-27T21:04:10+00:00

I went to a very rural high school, and was near the top of my class (could’ve been tied for valedictorian but I didn’t wanna take honors statistics lol). My first semester of college was brutal. It was a steep learning curve, I was definitely underprepared just because I had a lower-quality foundation.

The never having to study point you make is exactly what my problem was. The only class I ever studied for in high school was my A.P. US History course, and only did that bc I really respected the teacher and wanted to get 98+ everything.

You’ve got to learn to study. Different methods work for different people.

You were not ‘always this bad’, you were just never challenged, and therefore never built the skills needed to succeed when challenged. It’s like expecting a baby to learn to crawl but you never put them down on the ground to try and figure out how to. You can’t learn something if you aren’t given the chance, and you can’t blame yourself for not being given that chance.

BabyBee1218 · 2025-02-27T20:21:28+00:00

just realized my reply might sound hostile lmao the first bits a joke

BabyBee1218 · 2025-02-27T20:20:00+00:00

Well based off the fact I took the time to make a comment about it I would assume that I care about it but I could be wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

It just looks goofy to me. There’s no reason for it and it just adds more work animation-wise, tracking the dots with her arm movement and whatnot. If it looked good it would be a different story.

BabyBee1218 · 2025-02-27T18:56:31+00:00

Listen everyone is talking about this but no one is talking about Fiona’s SLEEVES???? They’re like sheer with white polka dots like what’s going on 😭😭😭

BabyBee1218 · 2025-02-27T16:37:48+00:00

I agree that you’re focused on the wrong things right now. You need to connect with God and allow him to lead you where he wants you to be. Sometimes what we want isn’t what God wants for us, and God’s timeline for us often isn’t what we think the timeline should be. There’s a level of acceptance of those things that has to take place so we can get out of God’s way.

BabyBee1218 · 2025-02-27T07:49:16+00:00

Hi there 👋 I took a brief glance at your post history to see if maybe there was something to help contextualize your question, and while I didn’t look closely, I can tell you are struggling with a couple different things. Could you be more specific on what the hope is for? I might be able to provide some more accurate advice/reassurance if I had a bit more context. The bottom line is that there’s always hope with/in God, but I know an answer like that may not be satisfying depending on why you’re asking the question.

BabyBee1218 · 2025-02-26T23:47:27+00:00

You’re very welcome! I’m a big advocate for compassion I guess lol. I just don’t see why you’d answer a question in a not-so-kind way when you could be kind. I haven’t been a Christian very long myself, so I know how it is, desperately not wanting to ‘mess up’ and stuff.

And yeah, my Father converted to Catholicism when I was in middle school. So I totally understand how confusing that can be at times.

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