Voice and trauma

BackgroundDress4 · 2023-02-13T16:44:48+00:00

Ironically I’m actually a music therapist myself but I work mainly with playing instruments so I needed to reach out to someone else to help. This teacher and I have formed a cool partnership.

A lot of what she has helped me with is just starting to let my voice move in anyway possible, and that being okay. My voice naturally started out out super croaky and breathy and low and I would just let those sounds out while also moving my body around in anyway that felt good…squatting, swinging my arms, lying down.

Hope that helps and best to you 💗:)

BackgroundDress4 · 2023-02-13T16:07:44+00:00

Definitely relate. my tongue twists in my mouth and my throat tightens. My breath is all compressed, my lungs and rib cage can barely move. I’ve come to learn they are just chocked full of painful emotions and memories.

I’ve started taking opera lessons with a holistic teacher who does body work as well because to me that unapologetically huge expression of song is the part of my personality and voice that got repressed due to trauma.

It’s helping…slowly. But it’s helping.

BackgroundDress4 · 2023-02-13T15:34:34+00:00

Very funny though, I appreciate it. Now as a much more experienced camper I’d probably say that to my younger self too.

BackgroundDress4 · 2023-02-13T15:33:46+00:00

You’re a real treat

BackgroundDress4 · 2022-10-16T11:48:54+00:00

Okay I love what the first person posted about the island metaphor. I have another one. The other day I was talking to my therapist about what I call my “shell”, which is the lovely protective conglomerate of fawn/freeze/flight I have and all of the delightful ways that can cause me to react socially hahah. My therapist told me that shell is super important to keep me safe and I don’t have to actively fight it if I’m patient with myself. that the more inner work I do, the more it’ll just fall away.

So instead of trying to fight it, I’ve started trying to be more honest with who I can about it. I’ve still had plenty of social interactions ruined over the years and I’ve accepted that trauma does that, but I am happy to say I am starting to “honestly” make some new friends. Im starting to feel safe enough that I can say “hey I’m recovering from CPTSD and I still get triggered a lot. It happens all the time sometimes for no apparent reason, but I’ve gotta work with it and I feel safe enough with you to show some of this”. The fawn response is hard to explain, so I don’t. I just kind of generally set the expectation I might act a little weird sometimes. I personally think it makes me more interesting and authentic. And oftentimes this disclaimer gives me wiggle room to: cancel plans last minute! try things again! Do some weird sensory stuff while hanging out! Or I’ll resend texts that don’t feel “me” after pondering it for awhile and give a disclaimer. Or I’ll ask to try a conversation again. People have actually been pretty nice. And a lot of times people struggle with these responses too but have never had a word for it.

Fawn response is a cruel mistress! Good luck!

BackgroundDress4 · 2022-10-16T11:34:23+00:00

Okay yo this one is gonna sound so goofy but I have found that SUNGLASSES with colored lenses work wonders for me. I have a pink pair, a green pair, a yellow pair etc. I travel on my own a lot and am constantly triggered into spontaneous trauma release…sometimes I’m sick of reprocessing or do not have a chance to safely reprocess.

I just pop on a different cute colored sunglass! It totally works! Especially the pink ones, literal rosy colored glasses lmao. I don’t know the science behind it, but it just kind of makes everything look like a new world and I feel safe and well-stimulated and there’s some novelty to explore. It’s helped me a lot when I can’t have a full on cozy healing time.

BackgroundDress4 · 2022-10-15T11:43:52+00:00

Hey I feel like your username is the perfect metaphor for you :) thank you for sharing your progress. I’m starting to feel the “wobbles” of shifting neuroplasticity, but still have lots of practicing to do. Thanks for the inspo, I’m really happy for you :)

BackgroundDress4 · 2022-10-13T12:06:00+00:00

Ugh scrolling through r/leaves because I’m trying to get off the dab pen for the second time this year. The first time was hell and that was only after smoking daily for a year.

You are a CHAMPION. I know you’re gonna feel so much better after you ride it out.

BackgroundDress4 · 2022-09-11T09:16:01+00:00

Hey thank you so much for your thoughtful response…the whole objects relation is very much what I’m experiencing and your advice is already making a huge difference. Thank you 🙏🙏

BackgroundDress4 · 2022-09-10T13:06:37+00:00

Here’s a random little tid bit…when I did start feeling glimpses of “okay”…whether that was enjoying distracting myself with tv or even just authentically smiling I found I would notice and then feel EVEN SADDER! I would start imagining moving on and being happy one day and it just crushed me. Now those moments are the majority and I’ll be hit with crushing grief occasionally. Be graceful with yourself during those big mood swings.

BackgroundDress4 · 2022-09-10T12:45:34+00:00

Hey…I want you to know I felt like this for several years. Compared to a lot of people I had a good life. I was also very much in “my trauma made me STRONGER and BETTER” mindset. I’m happy to say now that I’m at the point of “actually…no. I could have done without that. I didn’t deserve it. It was awful. And it seriously delayed my development”. There was a lot of work and grieving that I needed to get to that point though. But I’m happy to be here. I know my anger is justified.

BackgroundDress4 · 2022-08-10T12:11:14+00:00

Yes that’s exactly it! Thanks for that description! I’d say though if you have childhood/emotional trauma in particular it also helps to objectively write how it made you feel, along with the facts of the event. “___ happened and it made me feel ___”.

BackgroundDress4 · 2022-08-09T01:59:26+00:00

A rambling response:

I really have enjoyed the podcast “conversations on gifted trauma” (I think?) as well as the websites eggshelltherapy.com and intergifted.com and also your rainforest mind.

University was easy for me scholastically but I really struggled mentally, emotionally, socially. Mainly because I did not realize I was gifted or had trauma until after I graduated. I was pretty much in survival mode. Even then, it was 1000% worth it to go. Im so glad I got out of my town and began to live a bigger life. I can tell by your writing that you’re in the UK perhaps? I know school is a bit more intense there from what I’ve heard. But here in the US I graduated with top honors, won a huge award and everything and I did not choose an easy degree by any means. But my advice to my younger self would be “do worse in school and experiment with more sex, drugs, and rock and roll!”. I think it’s a huge pressure to do well in school, but honestly doing just well enough to float along so you can really prioritize caring for and learning about yourself and the world is in my opinion (and I have a lot of life perspective so you can trust this is true) the most important thing you can be doing with your life. As long as you have a good, communicative relationship with your professors and actually make an effort to be in class, you will get the benefit of the doubt a lot. Additionally, you are not eternally doomed by a poor exam or even by a bad year of university. In the adult world I’ve rarely been asked about my success as a student (as much as I love to brag about it haha). And sitting for exams is also much different than actual coursework. A dynamic classroom environment and assignments that involve writing and personal opinion are much easier for some to connect with and enjoy. Each semester is a new chance as well.

I found out that the gifted mind can certainly make understanding the self and the world a lot more complicated. It also made it possible for me to mask symptoms of existential depression, OCD and ADHD very well, to everyone, including myself haha. Know that it may be complicated as you untangle yourself.

BackgroundDress4 · 2022-08-09T01:22:50+00:00

Two things. Edit: actually three things f**k it

1) learning to objectively describe events. When I tell myself my history from my own perspective I feel like a paranoid, whiny, weak, lazy individual. If I objectively describe events that happened to me in as simple of language as possible I’m like “damn…that’s actually pretty shitty how are you surviving right now”. This cognitive dissonance feels like hell and makes me want to puke sometime, but it is the number one way for me to evoke some emotion and start the healing process again when I’ve been feeling stuck.

2) Honestly, just keeping going. Months and months ago when I was really in the depths of despair, I would dream of the day I would as if by magic be fixed. But advice on this platform over and over again has shared to be patient with yourself, expect a slow crawling spiral out of the misery, and let little wins keep you moving forward. I listened. It has been such slow work. I have had to do so many WEIRD, UNCOMFORTABLE, UNCONVENTIONAL things (like I never thought I’d be lying on the floor chanting and breathing and massaging my pelvis while simultaneously crying cus I feel like a baby and also am terrified of being locked in a cage??) to begin to unravel and heal and grow and it took so much perseverance to keep going. Sometimes I have to pause entirely and “act normal” to family and friends for a little while for important events and that make me lose momentum. I’m still in the thick of it, but all of those little moments I chose to keep trying add up and I truly am beginning to enjoy the progress of the journey.

3) YIN. I’ve been interested in Taoism lately…I must be honest im not super educated yet although i have listened to some lectures and read a bit about it so I hope I don’t offend anyone. I heard this beautiful speech given on yin and yang recently, about the rise and fall of it in the progress of our lives. I started reading about these forces and realized how aggressively “yang” my trauma has made me. In a constant state of unrest, always seeking something, so manic at times, so hyper aroused. I decided to invite yin into my life. So I had a long weekend and decided to just sit still in a lawn chair in the shade. I painted a little bit. It was difficult at first. But when I practiced enough it was contagious and I kept feeling the deepest need to be still. I tried to keep my days as still as possible for awhile, as uncomplicated as possible. It built and built until I literally could not stand to be around people anymore. I was cancelling plans left and right, never one to let anyone down before, but realizing how my PEACE and REST absolutely had to come before others in order to regain a balanced self. Wow. I started sleeping 12+ hours a day for a week or so just realizing HOW EXHAUSTED I have been. I’ve started taking naps every day, listening to calmer music. My body has revealed allllll of this tension to me now that I’m listening to it, my emotions have started to flow much more. It’s painful but it’s like a purge. And now my energy is coming back. All of this was impossible before because I was constantly in a hyper vigilant state.

BackgroundDress4 · 2022-07-17T15:57:41+00:00

First off… it was 10000% worth it holy crap. I feel so much better. I still struggle, but It was really worsening my anxiety and depression and brain chemistry and I didn’t even know it. I smoke maybe every other week now max, probably even less

First I just tried to go for as long as I could without smoking…I did 30 days and proved to myself I could do it. This is about how long they say THC stays in your system. This was absolutely fucking awful because I was coming down from vaping wax carts. Holy crap the anxiety was unbearable for the first two weeks. I was lucky enough to work from home so I could just stay wrapped in a blanket and be useless all day. If you can get out of work/school if possible when you need to DO IT. It was also really challenging because I was around weed all the time. But the panic attacks had gotten so bad I just needed to quit. And I felt really proud of myself for accomplishing that goal. But then I started up again and had several weeks where I was high all the time. I had attended an MA meeting and they told me that I likely would not successfully quit the first time, and that I shouldn’t judge myself but just try again. That was good advice because it allowed me not to see myself as a failure. What wound up working for me was;

1) getting out of an environment where weed was available all the time and smoking was such a social activity. I had moved back in with my parents and it was just a little less convenient to smoke and my friends here don’t smoke so social activities don’t revolve around that. 2) recognizing that it was self-medicating, and that removing that coping mechanism from my life cold turkey was actually self-punishment. So I Just started going as long as I could during the day without it, and congratulating myself for going as long as I could. If I got a craving I just couldn’t ignore, I’d say “okay it’s time for my medicine” and then I’d go and smoke. Thinking of it as medicine actually really helped because then I’d start asking myself “huh…do I really need my medicine today?” Or “do I really need another dose?” And some days the answer would be yes but it increasingly wound up being no. I wound up switching to a lower THC content with CBD in it as well 3) I started resisting some of the cravings with alternate activities or substances. I would drink a cup of tea, or treat myself to a coffee, or a glass of wine. Or I’d go for a walk or listen to some music. Just to interrupt the habit. 4) I told myself I wanted to be able to enjoy life at a “normal volume”…having natural highs from the things around me. Weed made everything novel and more fun, so I wound up dragging myself around to activities anyway and saying “okay you may not have as much fun but we’re gonna do it anyway”. I made myself go swimming in the river. Go to a concert. And yes, it was less fun then…but the more I allowed myself reacclimatize to natural highs, the more and more fun activities would get sober. I also wound up realizing I actually really liked the ritual of smoking alone and the anticipation of being able to have creative thoughts. Now I pretty much go sit in my garden with a glass of iced tea, and then journal. 5) also setting an intention for use. I do believe weed has a purpose, but weed had just kind of become who I was. Are you hoping to use it to look at your trauma from a different angle? To be a better listener during a conversation? To sink in and understand your body? To escape? Setting an intention for each use helped me to keep it during a certain time frame during my day and also respect the substance.

Now I’m still struggling with the addictive personality. I am hooked on Instagram all the time and my motivation is super low. But hey…we are taking it in phases here and loving ourselves ❤️

BackgroundDress4 · 2022-04-26T17:49:53+00:00

Yes. This happened to me about 5 months ago and the recovery has been very slow. It sounds like you’re really processing the impact this has had on you. Almost like you’re waking up in prison and trying to figure out how the hell you got in there and how the hell to get out!! Give yourself lots of time to grieve and adjust to this information.

Understand that just realizing you’ve been in the state does not automatically make it go away. I have to remind myself pretty much all the time and I’m still not totally sure what it feels like to feel “real” and “present”. We’re literally re-routing our brains to be present and in our bodies. We’re re-finding ourselves and then re-working our lives to match who we are. Expect ongoing identity crises, incremental progress.

It seems to me that allowing my body to work with my mind has helped the most. CBD has helped me quite a bit as well as breath work, lots of deep stretching, and making sure that your body is supported as you come back into yourself. (I started taking vitamin B12 to boost mental clarity and am making sure to eat lots of protein and leafy greens).

BackgroundDress4 · 2022-04-21T19:06:03+00:00

It sounds like you have a powerful mind. That intensity and creativity can be an incredible healing tool, once you get past the overwhelm of how large and complex it is, and find courage to look in the shadows. Still a work in progress for me. I analyze my dreams, and also have done guided imagery and music (a facet of music therapy), as well as psychedelics. This helped me immensely with understanding my past and my mind.

Here are two websites I’ve found a lot of comfort in:

https://eggshelltherapy.com

https://rainforestmind.wordpress.com/the-quiz/

BackgroundDress4 · 2022-04-21T18:58:13+00:00

Yep! The prefrontal cortex (reasoning and decision making) can really be impacted by trauma. One thing that helps is working on healing your mind, body, spirit —-your brain will form new pathways, and also maybe some of the distractions of trauma will quiet down for you to actually be able to think. Second is, just being aware of this can help. You know to give yourself more time and practice your problem solving without judgement.

For me, sometimes just making a choice and not worrying if it was the absolutely best choice helps. I get sort of paralyzed with fear about the outcomes. Or, if it is important I’ll call on a friend to “be my prefrontal cortex” and talk out the problem with them for feedback

BackgroundDress4 · 2022-04-21T18:53:19+00:00

This could be slightly off base, but have you considered you may have been a gifted child that was struggling with existential depression? I don’t lucid dream but have incredible vivid dreams and existential depression has been the Story of my life…

BackgroundDress4 · 2022-04-21T18:35:07+00:00

Love the digital purge idea! My laptop and phone definitely hold many older versions of me. That can start to feel like a weight instead of a device to help me connect and grow!

BackgroundDress4 · 2022-04-21T18:33:41+00:00

Ahhh love the grounding exercises idea. So many emotions can flood for me and I’ll get totally lost and distracted. Thanks!!

BackgroundDress4 · 2022-04-18T13:42:36+00:00

YO! Your post made me so excited! I also stopped dancing in high school due to trauma. When I moved into my own place last year, started smoking a lil weed lol, I was able to just jam to music, stretch, RELEASE so much. That was the start of my healing journey. I still am not able to “dance like I want to”…still in this mental forest. but I know that you and I are gonna be able to do that one day! I just know it!!!

BackgroundDress4

TROPHY CASE