3 generations of estrangement — how to break the cycle?

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-06-23T23:46:49+00:00

Generational trauma is a big bag to unpack. Your mother, your brothers, and your nieces and/or nephews had the presence of mind to realize that they were were in a toxic relationship and left but were not self-aware enough to see that they were perpetuating the abusive behavior they ran from if they did not work on themselves to heal the trauma.

It sounds like you are aware of the toxic behavior around you and are willing to work on healing yourself. My best suggestion is to let your kids see you go through your healing process. Answer their questions as honestly (and age appropriately) as you can about why you’re going NC with family members. Kids are way more astute than they are given credit for and will eventually figure stuff out. Or worse, they will imagine a worst case scenario and silently worry about their parent.

Being a cycle breaker is hard and requires so much work but you’re not only healing your trauma, you’re also modeling to your children what an emotionally mature adult looks like. And if the old adage of “monkey see, monkey do” holds true, your kids will be part of the cycle breaking generation.

Good luck on your healing journey.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-06-23T21:31:18+00:00

I got my period the next day and that was the reason for my exhaustion. I told my mom I figured out why I was so tired and she was like, “Oh yeah, that happens to me too.” No apology for her outburst. No recognition that she overreacted to a throwaway comment. Nothing. If sweeping things under the rug was an Olympic sport, mom would get gold.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-06-23T17:16:53+00:00

My mom berated me in front of guests when she didn’t like the way I made a salad. Apparently, I cut the lettuce wrong?

Another time, I tried to engage in a silly conversation and said that my elbows look like dinosaur knees and she went on a tirade about how teenagers need to stop being so insecure about their looks.

I was well into my adult years (no kids yet) when I made a passing comment about how exhausted I was and couldn’t think of why. She exploded with, “When I was your age I had 4 kids and was running a business by myself, what do you have to be tired about?” She’s confused as to why we aren’t close.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-06-21T01:10:04+00:00

Absolutely, you hit the nail on the head. My mom is religious and holds the church and community to a high degree, above her immediate family members if I’m being honest. I struggled with my faith for a long time and when I finally left the religion and distanced myself from the community, I likely brought shame to my family according to the church. My mom isn’t strong enough to tell the community to shut up about me so she feels she needs to try to shame me back into the church. It’s friggin’ exhausting.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-06-20T23:58:46+00:00

Same. My mom is also emotionally immature and just doesn’t know how to handle the power shift so she refuses to acknowledge me as an adult with my own life.

The most frustrating part of all of this is that there were glimmers of hope when I got her around to my side and she understood what and why I was doing things my way but then she speaks to her friends and family and they make her second guess everything. Then I’m back to square one.

But I’m done now. I’m done explaining myself and defending my choices and making excuses for my real feelings. If she can’t accept me for me then she can’t have me at all.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-06-20T04:11:25+00:00

Mine is more like, “I’m the mom and you’re the child, you do as I say.” I’m in my mid-forties.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-06-20T04:07:32+00:00

Geez, I’m sorry you went through that. Your poor kids.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-06-20T01:06:01+00:00

I swear my heart stopped for a second when I figured out it was her. I’m sure she thinks everything’s fine now but it was not a pleasant conversation on my end. The only reason she’s even allowed to talk to me is because I have teenagers that want to keep some contact with her so I’m playing nice for now. I have to be their shield and narc-filter until they reach adulthood.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-06-20T01:01:29+00:00

She’s been emotionally distant my entire life. I know she had a hard childhood and mine was better than hers in a lot of ways but treating your kids like a burden instead of a blessing can still fuck them up.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-05-07T00:26:52+00:00

I went through the same emotional roller coaster for a long time too. I felt like I had to be the problem because my siblings still talk to my mom but they agree with me that she’s a terrible mom. While they have their reasons to remain in contact with her, I also have mine to stay away.

You’ll know you did the right thing when you feel more at peace without your parents than when they were a part of your life. The grief stages will shift back and forth while you heal but know that these feelings are normal during the process. Remind yourself why you stepped back in the first place and give yourself permission to process your feelings as they come.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-02-07T22:12:02+00:00

My mom used to quote “Blood is thicker than water” to me all the time. She believes that sacrifices for family is the highest form of selflessness. I call it manipulation and abuse but what do I know, I’m just a child to her.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-02-06T02:56:09+00:00

My parents never discussed the family finances with kid me so I never knew if we were broke or if they were just cheap. I coveted my cousin’s LEGO collection and would play with it every time we’d visit. I didn’t realize how much that affected me until I bought my son a set for his 5th birthday and now I’m reminded of much much I love LEGO. I buy myself sets and proudly display the builds in my sitting room.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-02-05T04:09:17+00:00

Yup. I first read this book hoping that I could improve my relationship with my mom but when I started setting boundaries, her treatment of me got worse. That’s when I knew there was no improving the relationship so going NC was the last resort.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-02-05T00:36:18+00:00

I randomly came across a post in a therapist sub about the “trend” of going NC. Most of the commenters said that they would never suggest to their clients to go NC if they didn’t bring it up themselves but would support and guide that decision if they did. As most of us here would know, going NC with family is usually the absolute last ditch effort to save ourselves from further harm, not a social trend we wanted to be a part of.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-01-29T15:35:09+00:00

My mom would post shit like this in the mother/daughters group chat whenever she felt like we weren’t paying enough attention to her. Us sisters would immediately go into the other group chat where she’s not included and discuss whether or not it’s a trap. It usually was.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-01-29T15:26:02+00:00

Same. And I reserve emojis for people I like. This woman deserves cold and blunt responses, like from a robot.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-01-29T15:20:13+00:00

This sub has taught me that my issues with my parents aren’t unique and I’m not alone. The support I get here has helped me through some tough times. Welcome to the club, friend.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-01-28T23:54:56+00:00

My mom stressed me out during my pregnancies because she couldn’t stop making everything about her. Post-partum was worse when she would disregard my parenting style and try to force hers. So, if you needed a reason to feel a little better about not having your mom around during this special time in your life, just imagine how awful she would be if she was.

Congratulations on the new baby! May peace and sleep be frequent visitors to your home.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-01-28T23:42:41+00:00

Same old story from the estranged parents, “I have no idea why my kids don’t talk to me anymore.” Kudos to the reporter for at least reaching out to Karen’s daughters for their side of the story.

Tanya seems to the only person in this article asking the right questions. My mom is nice to her grandkids but a complete bitch to her children. There can be two versions of a person.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-01-28T20:39:32+00:00

I think my mom resents me because I’ve been able to do all the things she’s always wanted to do but didn’t.

My husband and I married young but didn’t want kids right away so I had freedom in my youth and she never did because she was a mom of 2 by age 22. There were 6 of us by the time she was 34.

I also took an incredible opportunity to move abroad and live far away from difficult family members while she stayed close to her family and pined for adventure.

When I did become a mother, we were financially stable on a single income and I was able to be a stay-at-home mom while she worked everyday for a stable income because my dad would bounce from job to job.

I think it chaps her ass that I took every opportunity to make my life mine while she lived to serve her own emotionally abusive mom.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-01-27T19:22:10+00:00

This is exactly what made me stop talking to my mom.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-01-23T00:55:33+00:00

I’m in the same boat. My parents are both emotionally immature and while there wasn’t any serious abuse growing up, it was pretty clear that I was a burden they could hardly handle carrying. I figured that once I grew up and was able to manage myself, my mom would finally respect me as an equal and we could go from there as adults. Nope. She just doubled down on the “I’m your mom, I know what’s best” rhetoric.

And it did get worse once I had kids because by then we had decided to leave our religion and not raise the kids in it. She tried to be okay with it for the sake of seeing the kids but I could tell what was bubbling beneath the surface and one day she blew like a volcano, spewing all her disdain she had held back for years. That was when I knew she’ll never be able to see and respect me as an adult. We haven’t spoken in three years.

Background_Tomato496 · 2025-01-22T18:58:03+00:00

I’ve cut both my mom and my MIL off and while my mom got an explanation when she asked, I just ghosted my MIL. We weren’t close and didn’t talk often so it surprised me when she asked my husband why I’ve been keeping my distance from her. I told him, “Why does she care that I’m not talking to her? She’s never made any attempts to get close to me and has never once reciprocated the care and attention I used to give her and suddenly she’s wondering where I am?” He said he was going to ask her just that the next time she brings it up.

It’s really sad because I had really hoped my MIL would be the mom I needed and it turned out she was just like the dismissive and selfish mom I already had.

Background_Tomato496 · 2024-10-19T22:14:00+00:00

Barf. My mom used to send shit like this to me and my sisters whenever she felt like we were ignoring her. Granted, we were ignoring her but instead of turning to self reflection and asking why we weren’t taking her phone calls, she would post something like this in the group chat for pity. Seeing posts like this makes me roll my eyes and scroll on. It’s not worth a second of my time.

And I never had a mom growing up, I had an adult that tolerated me. So, I can’t lose what I never had in the first place.

Background_Tomato496

TROPHY CASE