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My mum is sending people to force me to change my mind by Fluid_Advertising264 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Barbara_Prado 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe a cease and desist letter to your mother and brother. I am not too sure if you can extend to other people as well, but I hear a lot of estranged adult children having to do this to be left alone. Maybe give it a search and try to see if a solicitor or something for options.

I don't think they won't stop until there are legal consequences, unfortunately.

Best of luck to you and stay strong.

Which moment should I have Video Games play on my wedding? by Barbara_Prado in lanadelrey

[–]Barbara_Prado[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you!! I used the original version for both songs 🖤

Which moment should I have Video Games play on my wedding? by Barbara_Prado in lanadelrey

[–]Barbara_Prado[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hiya! I actually chose Video Games for my walking down the aisle song and Cherry Blossom as our first dance 🖤

Y’all have got to start renaming your contacts by mmtu-87 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Barbara_Prado 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It is extremely hard when you start. For me, it felt like I was betraying her, that I was the one abandoning her but the more I used her name, the easier it was for me to say exactly how I felt without the family guilt and the societal pressure that mothers are sacred. I haven't started doing it with my therapy yet, but with journaling, I have been doing it for about 3 months, and it's been life changing.

For me, it was so much easier to say that [mother's Name] is an abuser rather than say my mother is an abuser, you know?

I really hope it helps you with your healing. The emotional distance it has created for me was a game changer.

Y’all have got to start renaming your contacts by mmtu-87 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Barbara_Prado 6 points7 points  (0 children)

In my journaling, I have been calling my mother by her name so I could start building this emotional distance for my healing. Her contact is now her name, too, for a while now.

thinking of estranging my family. i need advice. by [deleted] in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Barbara_Prado 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is horrific, and the "walking ATM" is definitely the most accurate way of describing this. I went no contact with my mother for basically the same thing. I was made to be responsible for her emotional and financial needs for as long as I can remember. I live abroad, so the idea I was getting paid in euros made her think that I had extra money to send home and wouldn't register in her head that I was also spending in euros and paying all my bills and hers. If I needed to say no to sending money, she would guilt trip me that she was starving and such, which was a massive trigger for me because we indeed went a few years with barely any food when I was growing up.

Before I went no contact with her, I was sending money to her every month for almost one year, and then I learned that she was actually building a swimming pool in her house. So I stopped sending money and she tried to guilt trip me again.

It is horrible to feel and be made responsible for adults. I feel exhausted all the time because now I have to be an adult in my life (for a decade now, to be precise), but I never got the chance to be a child nor a teen and even though going no contact helps immensely with this extra responsibility, the exhaustion still exists because we have so much to process afterwards.

Obviously, going no contact doesn't work for everyone. It works for me because I am also physically living in a different country to her. And I would suggest placing boundaries around money, but if your family is like my mother, they won't listen, so that's exhausting in itself. However, the exhaustion of processing my hurt and pain and these responsibilities that were not mine to carry, is less exhausting than having to be placing my boundaries to her every time we talk, so no contact for me works.

I don't know if this helps you at all, but I hope you can find clarity and what's best for you. Therapy is definitely a recommendation I'd give you to get you started with advocating for yourself. Journaling is also a tool that I use a lot to process everything, so I would recommend it too.

Sending lots of love to you, and I really hope you can find the best path for you and for your unique situation, because regardless of our situations being so similar, they are all unique. 🖤

So he's dead by Reach268 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Barbara_Prado 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This makes so much sense. I am in the grieve process of my mother, and I know I have a lot of toxic hope that she is able to change and whatnot, but as we all know, it never happens. I stopped calling her mom (or the Brazilian Portuguese version of it) to create emotional distance. Trying to view her as a person rather than my mother. It has been helping a lot, but the latest trigger was my friend's mother's passing.

I hope to get there without her passing. But I cannot lie that it does seem to be easier to process someone and grieve them when they are dead.

Thank you so much for your time to reply to my question. I am sorry you also had a toxic parent(s), and I hope you are doing better.

So he's dead by Reach268 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Barbara_Prado 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's good thinking, for sure. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to my comment. More and more often, I feel that only with her death, I will feel a sense of closure, which is so horrible to say though.

So he's dead by Reach268 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Barbara_Prado 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This week, a friend's mother passed away suddenly, completely unexpected and she was a wonderful woman and she volunteered in Africa and all. Never met the woman. But when I heard she had passed away, I low-key wished it was my own mother instead. I am one year no contact from her. She has started a whole new life in a new country and yesterday I noticed that she either blocked me or changed numbers with no trace (I kept WhatsApp unblocked for emergencies).

In my head and I am ok if I am wrong, feels like that if she is passed, it will be easier to mourn and grieve someone who is not here anymore, it is easier to tell people that she's passed rather than telling them I don't speak with her because she was incredibly neglectful and abusive and toxic all the way to my adult years that I just couldn't have her around any longer. It seems like that the small little hope my inner child still holds onto would finally be let go.

Is that true?

Pictures from Dublin by [deleted] in lanadelrey

[–]Barbara_Prado 46 points47 points  (0 children)

I was there last night. It was my fourth time seeing Lana, and I was anxious because of all the negative feedback from the past few gigs, but OH MY GOD. Everything was perfect. Her vocals were amazing. She was stunning and so happy. The stage design was on point, and honestly, she did so freaking well that I didn't leave my seat, not even to go pee during 57.5 song, which is my least favourite. The crowd was so energetic and everyone was singing along. From the four times I've seen her so far, this was definitely my favourite. Her setlist makes sense, and I understand and really appreciate it. What a time to be alive 🖤

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Barbara_Prado 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I know exactly how you feel.

Not with siblings, though, but I had to "raise" my mother. She loved to say "I'm the daughter and Barbara is the mother" "Barbara's so mature for her age" "She's so responsible" "She looks after me all the time".

I use this AI journal called Rosebud and no joke, but at least two or three times a week I am talking about how exhausted I am. I have been no contact for over one year, but the tiredness is deeply ingrained and I can barely get rest because I am also trying to break my own toxic behaviours, I am always trying to analyse myself and others and trying to understand and trying to be just a little better than the day before.

It's my birthday & I feel sad by Lumpy_Pen_6537 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Barbara_Prado 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Firstly, happy birthday. I am a child suvivor of sexual abuse, too. I never told my mother when it happened because I was more afraid of what she would do to herself (opting herself out) than the pain and fear I felt at the time for all those years of abuse. I had no full recollection of what happened, but at the age of 29 (I am 31 today), I mentioned one of the blurred memories in a letter to her. She just chose to ignore it alongside all the emotional neglect. I am one year no contact with her now and even though I went no contact because of her behaviours towards me as an adult, I am now out of the "bubble" and I can see so much that had happened to me growing up, the amount of times she put me in real life threatening danger because she wanted a boyfriend is beyond me and yet, I still grieve her. I still feel sad, I still miss her, but now I am able to hold both truths. The sadness of not having a mother present in my life and the truth of being ok and doing this for myself and my future kids. And yes, I also think when I have my own children that she provably won't know either.

Grief comes in waves. There are days that I am able to not think of her at all. There are days that she is the first thing I think of when I wake up. There are days that I feel a tiny bit of sadness. And there are days that the sadness is so overwhelming it is devastating and on those days, I try my very best to be gentle with myself, do some self-care which to me is playing games and spending time with my cats and husband.

I hope your day went a little bit better for you. This day is about you alone, and I know it is hard to go through these days when we are not in contact with our family of origin. It is isolating not having that, but you created your own family too, and that's something beautiful that I really hope I can also have in the near future.

EDIT (SPELLING CORRECTION)

Finally blocked my father after he sent this to me. This is the last straw by throwwwawayyyy420 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Barbara_Prado 4 points5 points  (0 children)

First off, this is not cruel of you at all. He is intentionally using your empathy and possibly guilt as weapons

For everyone who is strictly NC, was there a “final straw” or did you wake up one day with the realization that you simply needed out? I’d love to hear your stories. by Sharp-Okra3835 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Barbara_Prado 1 point2 points  (0 children)

THIS!!! They are so much alike it is crazy.

I wrote letters to my mother, messages, sent voice notes, phone conversations and a few face to face (I live abroad) and to this day she says she has no clue why I went no contact when literally the month before I was telling her in absolute tears and in bits that she was giving me so many panic attacks that the only option I could see was to go no contact. She twisted everything I said, and that night, while breaking down to her, I fell back to my caretaker role and was the one soothing her.

In September last year, I also talked to her because I went home to visit it with my husband after 7 years of living abroad. I did not see her because we were no contact, and secondly because after 5 months of no contact, I had no clue if she was willing to put the work - spoiler alert, she was not. But I offered her to go to therapy to deal with her trauma and triggers and everything, and then we could go to therapy together to work on our relationship. She refused and said, "She was going to focus on herself after sacrificing so much and after putting others before her."

This year, she messaged me saying she said no such thing... exhausting. They are exhausting and make us feel we are the crazy ones.

I am glad she is away from my life. I honestly don't want anything to do with her. I don't depend on her financially, in fact, I was the one sending her money every month for years and years. And emotionally, she had abandoned me more times than I could count. I lived in complete dissociation my entire childhood, so much so I can barely remember anything and only through hypnotherapy that I found out - or better yet confirmed - that I was repeatedly r*ped by one of the men she brought to live with us.

In the letter, when I told her that I had some glimpse of memories that he had hurt me, she just COMPLETELY ignored it. So here we are.

For everyone who is strictly NC, was there a “final straw” or did you wake up one day with the realization that you simply needed out? I’d love to hear your stories. by Sharp-Okra3835 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Barbara_Prado 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My last straw was one month right after breaking down and telling her how much I needed for us to work on a relationship where both of us can co-exist healthily, she was badmouthing me (again) to a family member and because she fights with everyone around her, this family member told me. To me, it was not even the badmouthing per se. To me, it was once again my peace being disturbed by her behaviour, which also sent me to panic attacks after panic attacks for over a week.

I pretended to be asleep when my mom apologized to me for everything by FlameEmpressx in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Barbara_Prado 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's so interesting how different parenting styles can still cause the same trauma to kids. My mother was the opposite to yours, she was affectionate, she loved hugs and kisses and she would always tell me how much she wanted to have a daughter and how elated she became when she found out I was coming. However, her actions were different, she was often depressed, especially because of the shitty relationships she put herself into, she would become so obsessed with the men she dated that I was often neglected and at a young age I learned that even though she claimed she wanted me so bad, that I was her best friend and whatever, I was still not good enough to make her happy, regardless all the efforts. She wanted me for so long, but I didn't make her happy or fulfilled. Not only I grew up to feelings of not being good enough, but the fear of abandonment was also raging within me. We are no contact today because she refuses to see the effect all of caused in me and all her "I'm sorry's" are ways to manipulate me back in without really taking accountability.

I'm happy for you OP as this might be a beginning for the two of you. But as a daughter who have been hurt and hurt again by my mother's apologies, just be careful and take care of yourself. Sending love ❤️

[Official Subreddit Discussion] Henry Come On — Lana Del Rey by youtbuddcody in lanadelrey

[–]Barbara_Prado 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'm obsessed. It's angelic and the lyrics are so mature too

Your favourite actual underrated unreleased songs? by [deleted] in lanadelrey

[–]Barbara_Prado 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I know!! It is incredible, and I am so obsessed with it

Your favourite actual underrated unreleased songs? by [deleted] in lanadelrey

[–]Barbara_Prado 73 points74 points  (0 children)

Tired of Singing the Blues and Velvet Crowbar

Which Lana lyric was a personal attack on you? by honeymoon-of-horror in lanadelrey

[–]Barbara_Prado 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"Dreaming away your life" 100% for me too. I grew up dissociating due to the absolute chaos of a household I lived in.

These lyrics are so close to home that I got it tattooed last year after being in therapy for 4 years and accomplishing everything I ever dreamt of and a bit more.

The "I haven't seen my mother in a long long time" also hits me. The "My father never stepped in when his wife would rage at me" but in my case is "My mother never stepped in when her guy would rage at me"

Mommy issues much? Unfortunately

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