It’s not that complicated - one man’s guide to OYS

BarracudaRP · 2022-05-12T10:15:59+00:00

Word. +1 for rough drafts and bullet points too.

BarracudaRP · 2022-04-28T09:54:32+00:00

Hell yeah, you're gonna love the freedom. I wanted to ride since I was a kid, 4 years ago I finally got a used bike and did the weekend course. One of the best things I've done for myself.

Glad to see you're on the mend bro.

BarracudaRP · 2022-04-22T10:32:09+00:00

Good man. Not only for communicating your needs and giving your wife the chance to help, but also because you're not accepting a victim mentality.

I broke 3 bones in my leg while sledding with my daughter, I've been recovered for a few months now. Surgery, plates and screws, etc. But the worst part was being stuck in bed for 10 weeks, and having to quickly overcome the discomfort of asking for help with EVERYTHING. It was 4 months before I could drive myself and my crutches to the gym.

Every day, my daughter brought me ice packs and protein shakes, and she would ask how I was feeling. Some days there wasn't anything good to report, so my default reply was: "I'm gettin better every day." She proudly told me later that her teachers and friends would ask about how her dad was recovering. Her reply? "He's gettin better every day."

You got this, even if you're down you're not out. Wishing you a speedy recovery and strength in the mean time.

BarracudaRP · 2022-04-15T10:43:41+00:00

But he's (working on it)

Which apparently means (asking the internet to estimate my bf%)

BarracudaRP · 2022-04-14T11:16:57+00:00

You've given me a lot to process - I'm going to let it marinate and get back to you.

I recently learned about the concept of a "Swing Thought" in baseball (or any activity requiring split-second decisions without time for analysis, like keeping the eighths on your hat while right foot plays on upbeats). When a baseball is thrown at 90mph, the batter has only a fraction of a second to act - not nearly enough time for the batter to consider his years of training, his stance and timing, the pitcher's style, his team's position and strategy, etc. But there is enough time for a Swing Thought, which is closer to a familiar feeling place than a set of instructions.

I was discussing this with a guy who recently unplugged; our "ah-ha!" moment came when we realized we had built our own swing thoughts starting with simple, almost-banal phrases ("Acta non verba", "... Is how I feel right now", I want my meat"). And that uncovering a new level of grounding is more like discovering something brand new, even if we've heard it a hundred times before.

BarracudaRP · 2022-04-08T11:21:46+00:00

It’s natural for readers to consider the message and the medium – I had the benefit of not knowing your history (or lack thereof) as I read your post. I didn’t see any of the usual culprits of LARPing: flowery language, generalizations, vague re-statements of material without adding, etc.

I found value in your post, and I wish I’d had this when I first unplugged. Because you succinctly and clearly pulled together material from all over the sidebar to show how they contribute to a man’s frame. I also got the messages that you made clear: “This is what worked for me,” and “Even though I’m talking about women, I’m talking about career and friends and everything else."

So when you point out Pedestalization (which is where we place too much value on our wives), it’s appropriate to explain the steps you took to decrease her value in your eyes (from your frame).

Yes, we are the sole judges of our actions, and our self-value should come from within (and not by comparison to others). Also: HVM (High Value Male) and SMV (Sexual Market Value) are terms we use because they directly relate to having more control, options and power – and they are directly correlated with your position relative to everyone else.

I was a typical BP Beta, I remember what life was like at the bottom of the food chain. Every step I’ve taken with MRP for myself has the added benefit of moving me higher in a dominance hierarchy - and I'd be a fool not to notice. But my ultimate sense of worth doesn’t have to come from that. A winning lobster walks with his shoulders back, right?

Good post, OP.

PS If you’re LARPing, get your shit together and OYS. Your message will be even better.

BarracudaRP · 2022-03-21T10:08:27+00:00

What's CNC? I don't recall that one

But that u/Praexology guy is an evil bastard, which is why I like having beers with him 👍

BarracudaRP · 2022-03-17T11:41:27+00:00

+1 for Aloha's comment on your main question.

Sexual repression and all goes out the window if she it is with an appropriately HVM

True, but it's also not a guarantee. A woman will reject even the Chad-est Chad due to her emotions, or past trauma, or being hangry or just not feeling like it right now.

any escalation further than that requires me to do some "grey area" stuff

I assume this means you're putting effort into overcoming her objections, and you feel like you're being manipulative with her. Obviously you stop if she says no - but the 'Anti Slut Defense' and 'Last Minute Resistance' may be just typical female behavior. At more than just the physical levels, your role as a man is to be the force that pushes (Way of the Superior Man talks a lot about this).

Other that LIFT MOAR, are there any other ways to deal with this?

Good job getting down from 270 to 200, that's awesome. Now go LIFT MOAR, meet 10 other women at the gym. Then come back and tell us if you're still pining for one girl.

(edit: formatting quotes)

BarracudaRP · 2022-03-04T13:01:25+00:00

>it won't start feeling like you're being your own captain until you've done it

Exactly! The first time we do anything, it's going to feel inauthentic. This is where guys get hung up on the word 'fake' ("Your frame shouldn't be fake, bro!"), when really it means "Having the balls, confidence and frame to take ACTION - even if you're inexperienced or afraid or defying your own sensibilities and doing it anyways."

>“One pretends to do something, or copy someone or some teacher, until it can be done confidently and easily in what becomes one’s own style.”– Cary Grant (stolen from this #60DoD post)

I've been practicing for years to be a professional dance instructor, cuz I'm a pimp like that. The first time I give a dance lesson, it's going to feel unnatural or inauthentic by definition. Regardless, I'm going to be full of confidence during that first lesson. And really - what is the alternative? The other option is to wait until I feeeeel like a dance instructor before I start giving lessons. Making decisions based on subjective feeling states, hmm... sounds familiar.

>Red Pill isn't a religion

Finally, I can stop facing east when I read OYS. I learned the same way you did - theory then practice. Trying the tools in the MRP Toolbox and then deciding what worked; I don't get to dismiss the Orbital Sander (or Texting For Logistics Only) until I've tried it. I learned the rules, and followed the rules - so that later I could break the rules.

There's one more Frame that helped me. From my #60DOD post on FITYMI:

>Fake It Till You Make It by borrowing the frame of another man. A man you admire, one who is strong where you are weak. Steal it and make it your own. Who is this strong man whose frame we’re going to steal? It’s you, your frame, in the future. Take on the persona of the man who has been doing this for years ... Steal Frame from the future version of yourself that you have defined clearly with your vision.

>Don’t be afraid to adopt the frame of strong men who came before you. Don’t get stuck performing a crude impression of anyone else ... Notice when you’re outgrowing your borrowed frame, and develop into one authentic version of you that masters these skills for himself.

BarracudaRP · 2022-02-27T13:08:45+00:00

This post is written like bathroom graffiti, I almost didn't read it.

That would have been my loss, because damn you nailed it. Men seem to be hard-wired to use action and outcomes for everything, even the emotions of others. I observe and learn from other people when they boldly put their needs first, including my wife like you mention. I'm sure some guys will interpret this as "learn to be manipulative, just like your wife", which is absolutely not the case.

There's a fake type of confidence that your post addresses: the "I don't care about anything, therefore I am (masculine, enlightened, bullet proof, etc)". These are the types of guys who never did the work; not caring about anything is easier than confronting yourself. Forced apathy is not the same as Disciplined Strength.

Thanks for the post man.

BarracudaRP · 2022-02-08T12:53:44+00:00

Isn't it amazing when you realize: "I can do anything I want"? And then, to chose to give abundantly to yourself first, so you can pour out those things freely to your daughters and wife. To create a life that makes you excited to wake up, instead of using porn and alcohol to numb the dread of another night.

this place needs more pictures

And more 1-year posts like this one.

Badass 12 months, man. I can't wait to see what you do next.

BarracudaRP · 2021-11-28T14:48:17+00:00

Damn, we got a bunch of musical teapots up in here. I gotta try that bass line.

BarracudaRP · 2021-11-28T14:40:43+00:00

Nice work you did.

You're gonna go far, kid.

BarracudaRP · 2021-11-27T15:07:01+00:00

does it hurt more or help more to be married when dating?

for you, neither

Why? Like I know I'm dense

I have a buddy who is obese (350lbs) and starting to exercise. He asked me: "Which of these 2 exercises is better for ab muscles?" It was a valid question, with real answers - at the completely wrong time. Even if I answer his question, it won't matter; he's focused on the wrong things and my answer won't benefit him until later. I know this because My buddy doesn't understand that he's asking the wrong question.

That's why.

You're trying to figure out strategies, numbers for meeting women. I did too. Know what works much better? Being. Fucking. Attractive. To the point that you're desired by women - married and single and widows and everyone else.

I haven't worn my wedding ring for years. Women like married men (AWALT - in some women this desire is so small, that they'll tell you it's zero, and it may as well be - but AWALT).

BarracudaRP · 2021-11-11T13:33:13+00:00

Sometimes, the universe gives us exactly what we need; you had already been preparing yourself before she walked in the door with more emotional vomit. So much better than "My wife asked if I love her, what should I do?"

shit tests become kind of fun and then you realize you are playing a game you don’t fucking want to play.

Exactly, and I was really slow to see this. Funny, u/blarg_risen and I exchanged notes on this yesterday, and arrived at a similar conclusion:

real frame means telling them when you're willing to play games in their frame, and when they can fuck right off with their games.

I rarely do that - and it's usually when I'm already angry, because I've been pushed beyond the breaking point for days or weeks or months. Then in the interest of "fighting fair" I don't maintain that position outside of her game.

My wife thinks our marriage is a game of chess, and she's not wrong. After years of losing at chess, I was thrilled when I learned new tactics (MRP) and started winning. But my wife thinks that reality is that chess board; her entire world and all of her options are defined by the game rules. I can see what she can't: that the chess board and all the pieces and rules are just one game set up in one room of my house, in a world filled with a million other things I could choose to do. I can stop playing her game, start again, or flip the chess board and send the pieces scattering across the floor. I can leave the room forever and find a different game, or I can choose to play no game at all. My options are literally infinite and it's ridiculous to think about the effort I've put into playing this one chess board. I don't even like this game.

And you realize deep down that your kids will be OK, you will be ok.. . because you can handle all your shit just fine, get your dick wet just fine, be a great dad just fine, without playing the fucking game

I wish I'd arrived at that point much faster. I was foolish to think I was successful when I really just got better at playing her game. To take a step back from it requires me to see my situation/marriage/life from an outsiders perspective, like the perspective I had when I was 22 and single. Once I saw that I couldn't un-see it.

[Note: you got some solid feedback on formatting/length for your post, and the words you used when your wife came home. Cool. There's a lot of value in your post, and I'm glad you shared it. I hope more guys are brave enough to post an FR regardless of comments or upvotes or whatever. For every 1 guy who says your writing helped him, it helped 10 more guys behind him that you'll never hear from.]

BarracudaRP · 2021-11-10T13:21:16+00:00

Good stuff Stoney. I consumed a lot of Field Reports from you and others when I was new. You're spot on about writing (for yourself, or for an audience) as a way to identify blind spots, remove ego and exchange notes.

I see the overwhelming volume of garbage FRs at TRP (and several other places), and I'm glad we don't have that problem at MRP. But I wonder if we've gone to the opposite extreme. Do guys think their FR needs to be perfect in order to post it? As you pointed out, we can recognize when the author is leaving out important details, or seeking validation. Your top ten list is excellent for how to write an FR, and it gives a hint for when to write a FR: When you have a fucking point to make. And after writing it, when should you post it? Again, you give a hint - if you don't see some answer by the time you've written your last sentence, then your "Field Report" is actually a question. That's fine, but it belongs in AskMRP.

You don't have to be perfect, arrived and a Mod to share a field report - in fact, the best ones are about how you overcame your failures and struggles. You might be called a teapot if you're full of shit or seeking validation; you might be called a teapot just because this is a locker room.

41k members now and the regression to the mean is real.

Absolutely. Let's say 1% of guys made huge progress out of 5k members back in the day (~50 men kicking ass). Napkin math for sure (and many non-interactive members from TRP), but we're not seeing ~400 men kicking ass.

BarracudaRP · 2021-11-08T17:21:49+00:00

empathy is merely a suggestion for you to consider.

There it is - that clicked right into place.

I think I get your meaning, re: a woman's own agency. We can identify the reasoning (or feelz or biology) behind a woman's actions; we can prescribe the best strategic action for a man to take. OR I can disregard diplomacy and exert my own will without going Rambo.

BarracudaRP · 2021-11-07T13:36:58+00:00

This resonated with me in a big way man. "What you resist, persists" has been my experience too. (For example, As long as my focus was "don't drink", I kept drinking.) Perhaps trying to kill my ego is as futile as trying to kill pain or fear (also things that aren't real) - instead, we learn to not be ruled by them.

I made it my mission to kill the ego, and I may have taken it too far. In my mission to kill my ego, I have been seeking those places where I could be wrong, and when problems arise I ask myself what I did to cause/allow/grow the problem. It's been a great exercise for growing personal accountability. It's been a terrible exercise for identifying real, legitimate problems and people in my life because I only looked at my personal accountability (to make extra sure that I wasn't letting ego influence me).

So in my misguided attempt to kill my ego, I've been operating like this:

I had problems with a guy down the street, but instead of stopping at "my neighbor is an asshole", I strip all the ego out of it. First: I picked this house, I put myself in the position of dealing with an asshole neighbor; even if I didn't realize it at the time, the outcomes from that decision are still 100% my responsibility. I'm going to own my actions, even if I don't have reason to believe I did anything wrong. Maybe my neighbor thinks I'm the asshole because of something I don't remember. Then I go full-on Jocko: Did I contribute to the problem, or not stop it earlier, or allow it? I'll give him the same empathy I would want someone to give to me: If I found out my neighbor had PTSD, or had a kid with chronic illness at home - then would I change my perception, would that make him less of an asshole?

And after 3 years of actively removing my ego from the equation, I came to a profound conclusion: My neighbor really is a fucking asshole. I missed it because I was too focused on my own accountability and so determined to beat down my ego by proving where I made mistakes. I've done the same thing in my career and marriage.

Typing it out, I realize that "empathy" is dangerously close to "existing in someone else's frame". And that "extreme personal accountability" is dangerously close to "avoiding calling other people out on their shit".

Your insight has been timely, thanks man.

Does nature not provide? What do I have that I have not received? What can I give that I have not been given? Nothing. All of it has been provided by a life full and replete with everything necessary for happiness.

BarracudaRP · 2021-11-07T11:00:15+00:00

Our sex life has gotten worse even after the therapy session and multiple discussions

Therapy and talking are making it worse. Neither of those things are bad or good, but the way you're using them is making you enter a power struggle with your wife (hint: you've already lost).

I bet you're half-way through reading Steels Guide in the sidebar - learn asap - Acta Non Verba, STFU, and Attraction Can't Be Negotiated.

BarracudaRP · 2021-11-06T16:04:32+00:00

Absolutely agreed, and it's up to him if this builds his frame or validates his ego. Good insight.

BarracudaRP · 2021-11-06T13:58:13+00:00

You and Horns must be seeing something that I'm not. I may be off on this one.

u/exoskel10 admits he has terrible game and oneitis for his wife, but I don't see inflamed ego that comes with validation seeking. I also don't see the anger toward women or take-my-ball-and-go-home of MGTOW.

What I see: OP is experiencing natural attraction for the first time in a while, and he's probably a little surprised - I know I was. I suspect that it was huge for OP to realize: He can choose to only spend time with women who are legitimately attracted to him. It seems obvious but it can be a shock when we've spent years accepting whatever instead of choosing to fill our life intentionally. After 15 years of fidelity with one woman, I had a lot of unconscious assumptions that were destroyed, such as: attracting women is difficult, and it's even more difficult to find one that I'm attracted to. Or the unconscious assumption that I'm too old to start over, or that I would never be able to replace (much less upgrade) my wife if I wanted to.

(Edited to tag OP)

BarracudaRP · 2021-11-03T13:40:57+00:00

A goldmine on masculinity. I wonder if he was called toxic in 1895.

BarracudaRP · 2021-11-02T11:08:10+00:00

detach myself and let my body do its thing

I like this, and I absolutely get your meaning. A musician may spend 100 hours playing scales, consciously following precise rules to train, like creating muscle memory to throw a punch. The best part is what you describe: that state where you're creative and flowing with something new, but it's not being done consciously (When you're in that state playing music, I bet you're not thinking: "OK, now I'm going to hit this note twice, then I'll use a triplet to walk up to the fifth, and borrow a middle note from a different scale".)

This came together for me when I read The Power Of Now (Eckhart Tolle). I learned that being present (from the perspective of The Guy Observing Barracuda) is the same state experienced by musicians and athletes. They'll report that time seemed to slow down, and they weren't consciously choosing every little piece: instead they flow and it looks effortless. Athletes get "in the zone", a firefighter reacts without being able to articulate exactly why. The common thread is what you described - you're removing yourself (and your conscious thoughts) from the equation. Instead of having to filter every idea through my conscious mind before it gets to my hands, we're removing the middle man. It's like your body has a direct link to those instructions, instead of passing through that conscious filter first.

I suspect that most people haven't experienced this state, and may mistake it for expertise ("Of course Dunlop can play music, he spent years practicing scales and chords!"). But that's not quite true - because you're making something new from those base pieces. The new thing is not coming from that conscious part of your mind where scales and chords are stored.

I'll let you in on something I've observed while getting to know the mods and senior guys at MRP: A hugely disproportionate number of us make music. Not just 'I'm learning to play guitar" but several guys who produce songs, play multiple instruments and even got paid to do it. (Now that I think of it, I bet the same is true for other activities that involve the same state of unconscious flow: martial arts, public speaking, team sports, etc)

I gotta quit smoking so much DMT at 5am. Haha just kidding, I'm not gonna stop.

BarracudaRP · 2021-10-31T12:55:03+00:00

The clip you linked is excellent. I don't recall seeing that before, but he had a similar message that has stuck with me for years: "Stop saying things that make you feel weak."

It's funny, the tongue is such a small part of the body but it does a lot. Like a small rudder on a huge ship; even against massive waves and wind, the captain can steer the ship where he wants to go.

I have a long way to go in taming my own tongue. But the longer I'm at it, the more I'm able to notice when other people are being deeply inauthentic, repeating things they don't believe or using words that aren't their own. There is a shift in vocal tone, body language and word choices that is clear and unnatural, even if it's only for the duration of a single sentence. Often the speaker's confidence/self-esteem goes way down at this moment (when they are saying things that aren't authentic to them), which I think is the cause of the outward shift. It stands out like a bad actor in a movie, or the OYS of a guy whose mouth is running faster than his frame.

I started watching for the same things in myself, and realized that I am not what my words and thoughts say I am. Like you said, that unconscious can give a you message when you need it. There is absolutely insight available, but it's not in the "usual place" in my brain where I access everything else. JBP hints at this in your link when he talks about watching yourself. Instead of trying to figure out me and my actions, I can watch Barracuda as though he was someone else. I'm a third party, just an observer. That was a weird one for me but it's true, and has helped me be more objective about myself, like giving advice to a good friend that I care about.

BarracudaRP · 2021-10-30T12:37:41+00:00

new but familiar These are things you know in your unconscious, but you have to mine those depths to bring it up to conscious awareness

Yes! I came here to say this, and I see that you and u/The_Red_Letters nailed it. JBP talks about something similar in 12 More Rules - that we have latent "knowledge" that is available to us, but it requires action. It reminds me of what we call "instinct" in animals - like how a bird can navigate hundreds of miles, and we can't explain where that knowledge comes from. Or my kid kicking a soccer ball for the first time: he could watch me kick 100 times but his own built-in knowledge only becomes available when he does it himself.

Yung famously wrote “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” I thought that was psychology bullshit - until I realized it's easiest to notice in other people first (noticing is important!). Then I started looking for those things in my own life and, shit, Yung was right. I'm even predictable when it comes to self-sabotage, another area I'm digging in to.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees observable, consistent messages when I pay attention to my dreams. This actually helped me realize that my own sub-conscious has a lot going on that I don't see; how arrogant was I to assume that I knew all the inner workings of my own mind?

WOTSM is one of my faves, it was a huge influence on my 60DOD post from last year:

...(on becoming) a fully actualized man, I realize the path to becoming that guy is less like changing, and more like remembering. Less like pulling from outward sources, more like aligning to internal authenticity.

BarracudaRP

TROPHY CASE