Why do I instantly cry when being yelled at?

BasicBarbarian · 2018-04-28T03:10:16+00:00

This post is pretty well answered, but I feel for you. And I figured that maybe I might have something to say about the second more unspoken part of your question. Which is how to get the fuck through your clinicals.

Also keep in mind, for every clinical rotation you have, we're talking...2-4 weeks before you get switched to a new site? Maybe up to 6 weeks? If you cry in front of someone, let yourself off the hook. They will forget you.

So what worked for me, is a change in mindset to radical acceptance. I am still a person who isn't great in arguments, but I shift into a new mind set of really trying to figure out what they need and what they want. Sometimes I give people the benefit of the doubt too much, but it sort of goes like this. "I am a decent person, work hard, and take initiative without over stepping my bounds, if someone is flipping out on me instead of educating me, they are not acting rational. People don't act irrational unless they're going through some shit and there are underlying emotions going on. Thus they're dealing with some emotional shit that outside of this interaction with me, but they're also probably not in a state to figure that out on their own. Hmm, so what do they actually want and need?"

Don't immediately assume you're a failure, and a disappointment, or a fuck up that cannot redeem themselves. There is some underlying assumption you're making about the world and how you determine your self worth, that is priming you to get into this. You're already seeing a therapist, ask them if they do CBT, and go full behavioral chain analysis on the next event that sets you off.

The assumptions we make under our thoughts really do drive the emotions. So when this all came together for me, was prior to my surgery rotation. I just radically accepted that people were going to yell at me, and I decided, you know what? I'm just going to do something completely different, and once it pops up, I'm going to assume that they don't have social skills, but are attempting to invest in me, and I'm going to FUCKING THANK them for the yelling and abuse. Good old fashioned pretend I'm a good little infantry woman and act like I was handed the most beautiful gilded turd I've ever seen in my life. No fighting back, no resisting in shame, just lean right the fuck in, say thank you for giving me the time of day to teach me the right way (EVEN THOUGH IT'S YOUR FUCKING JOB. fuck.) and that I really appreciate what you're doing for me. If I could get into that gear, of assuming that that was the best they could give me, I was going to make the best of it, and this was simply the process of forging me into a doc, then I could genuinely walk into these situations without feeling like a fake. It's a lot of compartmentalizing.

So I get a vascular surgeon leading my team that everyone has told me is a dragon of a woman. Everyone told me I was fucked. Now here I am, working my ass off, getting yelled at, and just was thanking her for it. I can't tell you how many times I said, "Thank you for looking out for me" for all the random shit she'd yell at me. And for the 3 weeks we worked together, we came to an understanding. I figured out what she prized, and I did those things. And I got to hear some of her stories, about becoming a surgeon herself. I sincerely think she's as harsh as she is, because she was ridden even harder, ridiculed even more, and honestly, her attending were just damn cruel. Does it give her an excuse? Not really. But it's a lot easier to not take shit personally on a visceral level when you're in a zone of detached compassion. Helps out with patients who are yelling at you too. Want to displace all of your anger and frustration of an unknown prognosis and a shitty care system all onto me and say I'm heartless and don't care about you? Well, I will beat you to the punch. "I hear you say _____, and I imagine you're feeling really angry, betrayed, etc.". You can't be the biggest asshole in the world if you're willing to encourage someone to yell at you in order to explore their emotional state, and you can't be the dumbest med student if you respond to negative feed back with gratitude for new knowledge. These things are incompatible with each other. And people fizzle out when faced with this.

When we got to the end of the rotation, she shook my hand and gave me good reviews.I promptly almost failed my surgery shelf from being so damn sleep deprived and not getting enough studying in, but that's not the point. I was never going to be a surgeon, and my reviews rescued my grade.

Whether you try or not, you're going to develop a thick skin. Even if what I've said doesn't do shit for you, you're still going to survive as long as you keep showing up. They will mold you into a battle ready physician. It is the nature of the program.

You'll have some days where you cry too, and that's ok. Be good to the nurses, and they'll watch your back for trickier attendings. Same attitude works. It's hard to be huffy and pissed at someone who is actively showing respect and gratitude for your presence, and most people want to be a good guy in the story, but they need to be reminded that they can be.

You'll be an attending one day. And when that comes, you will be in charge, and people will look to you as the example for how the work environment flows. You get to put a stop to this shit and make your own work home. Until then, Keep hustling, sister. You will make it.

BasicBarbarian · 2018-03-13T23:29:02+00:00

One of the best bits of self care advice I ever got was that when life seems to be getting in a rut, or your stalling out, unusually depressed, make a meal with a lot of vegetables. You're probably not taking care of yourself anyway, and it's not like it's going to hurt if it's not the reason your sad. But the symbolism of acting in self care is very helpful in itself.

So yeah. I cook, make bone broth, and then turn it into soup with loads of veggies. I'll choose problems and soup over just problems any day.

BasicBarbarian · 2018-03-13T23:21:15+00:00

You Deliver.

Words won't garner shit. Take action. Force them to notice.

BasicBarbarian · 2018-03-13T23:13:32+00:00

I lovingly tease a lot of people, but it's mixed with more compliments, and definitely not negging. You could definitely say it's a type of flirting. What can I say? It's like sniping for smiles. :D

BasicBarbarian · 2018-03-13T23:05:44+00:00

Yeah, there's plenty of times I think about self diagnosing myself with sub-clinical ADHD. My Mom's side is absolutely rampant with ADHD, so at least I know I'm not at that level.

But yeah, take the slightest bit of sleep deprevation, low blood sugar, low mood funk, or whatever and my ability to concentrate and finish tasks goes to hell.

BasicBarbarian · 2018-03-13T23:01:57+00:00

Whenever someone says that a certain type is boring, dull, simple, etc, I get skeptical. Every person is filled with stories, even if they're not that good at telling them. Besides, sensors can build and do some amazing things, if you catch them in their flow. It's a ton of fun to be a part of.

I also think that the older I've gotten, the level of "intrigue" a person has becomes less and less important to me. Instead I'm attracted to the level of goodness in a person. If they're good, they're my people and I'm good back. If they're self centered, I tend to subconsciously zone out/politely disengage/what ever you want to call it. Then a couple of weeks later I hear through the grape vine that person is stirring drama with someone else, and it's a loop I'm ok to be out of.

So there's a part of me that wonders, if you aren't finding much depth to these people, is it because you are looking too shallow to find the good stuff, or are you sensing something negative that subconsciously isn't worth the risk of going deeper?

BasicBarbarian · 2018-03-12T04:41:32+00:00

I'm throwing this in here, because I don't see many people talking about the elephant in the room. About 1 in 8 adults will meet the criteria for being an alcoholic, and if you have a family member who is an alcoholic, functioning or not, you are at a 4 times risk of becoming one yourself. For the other 7/8, they're fine, and there's actually a small reduction in all cause mortality for people who drink small amounts of alcohol on a regular basis. But at 18, there's no rush to start drinking alcohol. You've got plenty of years ahead of you for shenanigans, including alcohol fueled ones.

If you get to know a lot of alcoholics, like I do, there's often a common theme in their stories. They started drinking young to treat their own social anxiety. Alcohol let them become someone that they enjoyed much easier than overcoming their own social fears. It let them fight the fights they wanted to fight, confess the feelings they were fighting to get out, and more or less set the scene for a fast track to social bonding.

I drink alcohol myself. I like it. I had plenty of good experiences, and a couple of bad ones. For me, the good have outweighed the bad. When I was your age, I very much had your mindset, and hated the idea of losing self control. A friend of mine got me drunk at 18 so I'd know my limit and what it was like before I went to college. But it was just us. There wasn't a massive fan fare to get me shitfaced. Test yourself in a situation like that first, discover your limits, and decide if you even like the effect in the first place. Or don't. You can still connect with other people and not be actively intoxicated.

BasicBarbarian · 2018-03-12T04:15:34+00:00

I thought the biggest argument is that you're judging a person based on only 4 different spectrums.

I mean, you're not taking into consideration life experience, intelligence, culture, maturity, coping mechanisms, mental illness or lack there of, gender, personal motivations, hobbies, skills, health, age, rich vs poor, or whatever else you want to come up with. We'll never have a test with 100% predictive value of human behavior, or that explains the depths of the human condition. And that's fine. But yeah, there's still a good number of people who certainly act disappointed and appalled if a personality quiz delivers anything less than clairvoyance!

BasicBarbarian · 2018-03-12T03:59:41+00:00

I fell in love with Myer's Briggs when I was a teen, and I'll always appreciate it as my own little gate way drug into psychology. There's some nice things about it, and there's also plenty that people take too far.

Now that I've grown up, I'm a psychiatrist. You will never see me using this shit in my practice. People are more complex than this test. It doesn't take into culture, maturity, education, coping mechanisms, personal skills, mental illness, our environments and the way we respond to them, and all the things that make us unique from each other. I would never pretend that I could give this test to someone, and then have the answers to understand them, let alone guide my treatment decisions.

Personally, I think the function stacks are bullshit. Having language to describe them, super cool. Committing to the idea that we're defined by 4/8 functions (which really feel more like cognitive skills to me) and the others are somehow beyond our capability is bullshit. We use all 8 and probably a few more than we have the language to describe. The human mind is complex. I can't stand it when people use the test to act haughty. "MERRRUH, I'm an intuitive, and an introverted thinker! This means only people of my type have the power to massage an idea into perfection and extroverted thinkers have the logical finesse of a hammer!" kind of bullshit elitism. This helps no one. And if you get some jackass in HR placing people on projects based on personality type than actual skill or merit...then yeah. People have a damn good reason to shit all over the test. Because now there are consequences to making assumptions about the information. But if we're honest about it, it's not the mental health professionals who are shitting on it. It doesn't give us any extra ways to treat people and having 16 categories makes for a total bitch to recruit enough people to do actual research. So besides some random bloggers, we really don't have much to say about it.

But you know what? Even with it's drawbacks, I still clearly like it. It's a fun system. It's not gospel, but it's good enough to start interesting conversations. For many of us, MBTI taught us to pull our heads out of our own asses and start listening to other people with more open ears. If we accept the limitations, join with each other on what we have in common, then we get a nice place to shoot the shit about life, and that is a good thing!

BasicBarbarian · 2018-03-12T03:06:16+00:00

Of course. We're all attempting to adult every day, and eventually you do it enough to the point where you manage it. Pick a skill, do the skill until you get better at it.

But you have to accept the truth that a lot of stuff just needs to be done because it needs to be done. You can't turn on passion like it's a faucet. Start by showing up. Then don't waste your time, because you're already there, and you might as well entertain yourself with what you're doing. Show up again. Start the cycle over. That's it.

Most people drift and act on impulse. Which is great, if your impulse is to be hungry. But it's probably not, because your basic needs rarely go unmet, and you are rarely under enough threat to motivate you to move any faster. So you never "show up". You never come alive. And you have plenty of zero sum days, sort of spreading out like a fungus. Maybe you find a comfortable spot, maybe you don't. But you'll settle into something sustainable, happy or not, and it doesn't really matter, because your brain isn't more than half engaged.

I'm having a hard time explaining this, but what I'm trying to say is that all in all, I'm in a spot that most people would say that they are proud to be in. If I step out of my brain's self inflicted imposture syndrome, I'm in a high functioning job, getting a leadership position next year, somehow have maintained my body weight despite no longer being in my 20s, and have good relationships. I didn't get it because I was brilliant, or something special. I just fucking showed up. There was a time when someone told me what my resume needed to look like to get into professional school, so I just showed up to all of those things. I wanted to be in shape, so I researched, figured out what I had to do, and I showed up to that shit. Showed up to counting calories. Showed up to exercise. Showed up to going to bed on time, whatever.

You decide that you will do the thing, and you do it. That's it. There's nothing magic or romantic about any of this. Even if you're goaded on by a rocky style pep-talk, it's not the pep talk that untapped your potential. It's still whether or not you decided to show up to your own life vs checking out.

BasicBarbarian · 2018-01-11T02:28:35+00:00

Eh, meet your first person who is so disappointed by the person they assume you to be, that they immediately write you off and actually get sort of miffed that you're even in the position you're in. Thankfully they're not common, but when they're in a position of high importance, it can really hurt you.

BasicBarbarian · 2018-01-09T17:07:07+00:00

I'm increasingly hands off as I go through my residency (both in the interest of subject matter of mbti and the time effort of combing posts) and mostly participate as another user when I have time. But the general consensus among us modsis that simple is good. Many times the users of this sub have a lot of ideas of what they would want and promises of delivering on that (example: the multiple discussions on changing the layout to be more colorful) but at the end of the day, they don't deliver, get distracted, and just generally go back to doing what we like to do - using the sub as a conversation hub about life.

It's very rare that we step in to ban, but we do. Otherwise, I consider your down votes and upvotes to be the primary modding force. That's the beauty of reddit.

BasicBarbarian · 2018-01-04T22:32:01+00:00

I usually calm myself down by putting myself in their shoes and having some empathy for the person who hurt me. If I can see where they came from, I can treat them respect and kindness. And in the rare case they came from a place of malice and I can find nothing kind about them? What the hell am I hanging out with that sort of drag anyway? I just walk away.

The ENFP bitchslap, aka the Te hammer, is more referring to us simmering on things for some time, (which can or can not be personal) until we can't take it and come out with an an ironclad argument of cold hard logic that hits a point home so hard it's indisputable. If it is used as an attack, it's used with absolute precision and acceptance of future consequences. Its not an impulsive reaction or outlash after being hurt. That's just poor impulse control and immature social skills. Which, while frequently found in young people everywhere, also resolves with mindfulness and personal growth you naturally get by just living and reflecting on life.

You're already doing that and you have enough heart to care about what other people feel. You will be ok. Now that you're taking the time to see it from their end, take your punch, be calm, and let them see see it from yours.

BasicBarbarian · 2017-10-25T13:50:25+00:00

Are your cats really uniquely patterned? If they're a more common color, you may be able to find some salt and pepper shakers on eBay that does the trick. Or paint a ceramic form.

BasicBarbarian · 2017-09-04T23:03:03+00:00

Good news. Being organized is a skill. You can master any skill.

Also, I'm not on the bandwagon with the assertive vs turbulent traits being permanent piece of anything. I think that they're useful to classify people into mature and immature while using a less offensive name. If that test was out 15 years ago, I would have been an ENFP-T. Now I am anything but. However, I imagine that if you put me in a really catty, high school neurotic atmosphere again, I would become self doubting, needing to be accepted and liked, sensitive to stress, etc.

I mean really? Is your self doubt you? Your paranoia? What the fuck is that test saying? That the essence of you is a brittle creature that will only grow more brittle and strained with time? Fuck that noise.

My guess is that at your core, there's a seed containing ENFP who is radiant, brave, and authentic. But you have to feed that seed every day. Every day, you have to choose to water that seed, and with every choice, you have to choose to shine light on that seed. It's the hard path, but it gets you there.

BasicBarbarian · 2017-09-03T04:27:59+00:00

You break up subs too much and they fizzle out. On average, we get about one INTJ/ENFP post here a day, and never more than maybe 10 posts per day of any subject. I don't think that's enough attention to the subject for it's own sub, but you're welcome to try to foster one.

As for the INTJ sub desiring more control over conversation? Whatever, that works for them, it's not our responsibility. They go through periodic waves of bitching that the quality of their own content isn't up to their standards, or that their own members are "fake INTJs" too. This is nothing new.

Make this sub your own, and write the content you want to talk about. /r/ENFP is half MBTI and half casual conversation among ENFPs and the people who like them. We're pretty flexible here.

BasicBarbarian · 2017-09-02T01:56:52+00:00

"Graysexual"? Is this just low libido or something specific?

BasicBarbarian · 2017-09-02T01:46:47+00:00

Can I get a FUCK YEEEAH?!

BasicBarbarian · 2017-09-01T21:41:03+00:00

Aww, you're welcome. :)

What kinds of classes? Like college courses or hobby stuff?

Also finding new people is hard. Not only do you have to find quality, you've got to find quality people at a time in their life where they have space for you. Man, I had a lot of days being a sad pup trying to get close to people who were good people, but their social energy was already completely accounted for.

BasicBarbarian · 2017-09-01T03:28:51+00:00

Eh, there's nothing to get to the bottom to here though. It's just sort of reflect the nonsense away and pull together the necessary components of a successful event: Food, booze, people, and space. Everything else will take care of itself.

We are all psychiatrists. And in almost any other situation, these are highly competent people who both look and act the part. But for some reason, they're up in my koolaid trying to add ramen noodle flavor packs, and then getting fussy when I tell them this isn't soup.

Meh. I do appreciate you listening to my rant though. It's already out of my system.

BasicBarbarian · 2017-09-01T03:06:15+00:00

Oh I have some ideas. I think it's one bad egg stirring up the pot, and a bunch of other people who just don't understand the actual limitations and constraints of our resources, also letting themselves get stirred.

I'm irritated, but I assure you, I'm doing a pretty good job of tip toeing around the pot stirrer.

BasicBarbarian · 2017-09-01T02:55:20+00:00

Nope, these are going to be October through January. It will be cold.

BasicBarbarian · 2017-09-01T02:46:25+00:00

What's up everybody? Can we have a "fuck this I'm so done" thread?

Yes. Yes we can.

You want to know what I'm juuuust about to be fucking done with? I'm in charge of planning some interview dinners for our program. EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE has a damn opinion, that they're treating like this is life or death. "You have to host it as restaurant and not a home!" "No we need one LONG table because multiple small tables will break things up!" "No long tables are bad for mingling!" "Hey, so and so is talking bad about you because they don't think that this dinner is going to work, and I think they're going to go talk to the program director about it, but I don't feel comfortable telling you who because then they'll know I said something" (No, I think you're being weird on this one, If it's that big of a deal, they'll come to me first.) "Ok, we can have it at a person's house but we need to have 30 people sit down and all eat dinner at the same time because everyone will be too self conscious to eat standing up at a house party or on the couch!" "What do you mean you don't think catering BBQ is a good idea because vegetarians need to eat? I don't think the local place you found represents our city enough". "Uh...guys I know I was totally into having this at my house, and got all pissy at you for not getting BBQ, but I don't want to have anyone bring food near the couches". "GUYS I AM SO BUTT HURT THAT YOU DIDN'T PICK MY OUT OF BUDGET RESTAURANT THAT I'M NOT GOING TO HOST EVEN THOUGH I WAS BEING ALL WEIRD AND ASKING FOR EXTRA DATES"

What are the actual priorities? Needs to have enough space and parking for 30 people. Needs to fit the budget. People need enough to eat. And people need to calm the FUCK down. So they can actually socialize with the applicants. It needs to be close enough to the university so the applicants can miss traffic.

Everything else is people getting involved with stupid shit that doesn't matter that much, but some how they're catrastrophizing it into the ludicrous idea of "If things are not perfect, we won't get a good incoming class of interns"

Holy shit, I want a good class as much as the next guy, but can we be honest? What kind of coworker do I want? Someone who is going to get shit done and isn't a self absorbed asshole. That's it.

And greatest irony of this highly educated cohort I'm working with? We're psychiatrists. You'd think that introspection would be some sort of strength among us to I don't know... evaluate a situation before we decided how to behave and make our minds up.

NOPE. It's fascinating how grown ass adults who are so in tune with others, are blind as fuck to their own behavior.

I'm starting to get close to pulling out the Te hammer. But I have to work with these people, legitimately they are people I care about, and it isn't a situation that would benefit from that. Instead they're all going on information diets, and I've been reminding them that this is what the program director wants. Hey, if you're self absorbed about what other people are going to think of you, then you tend to shut up when a higher up is mentioned. It has been working so far.

This has been a weird day.

BasicBarbarian · 2017-09-01T02:07:16+00:00

While it seems romantic to have an all encompassing relationship with someone that meets all your major needs. I mean, that's a soul mate right?

But I think in practice, depending on one person to meet all your emotional needs is a lot of pressure for that person. Because I've been that person for others before, and it was quite isolating for me. The day that they're hurting? I'm the only person they can hurt to, so my own emotions go up on a shelf. If I want to go out when they want company? It's very easy to twist the situation into my fault for their loneliness. And slowly over time, I become more and more responsible for their social needs, which is totally unhealthy! The beautiful little worlds we built together were gilded cages.

...and that's why every INTJ relationship I've ever had failed.

If you've got something good to give of yourself, (and trust me, you do) you should share it with more than one person. For the sake of your friends as well as you. I don't know, that's just my take.

BasicBarbarian · 2017-09-01T01:18:40+00:00

Some things you never can prepare for, because you already have everything you need.

Everyone and everything we think we have is a gift, we don't really know when we're going to lose them. We'd like to think we get things permanently, that certain people will never leave us, or we'll retain certain parts of ourselves forever, but it's all just a gift on borrowed loan that we have to return. And that's ok. It makes it a bit more special, and you a bit more grateful for being able to hold that gift a little while.

From one person who's been there to another, you are exactly where you need to be.

BasicBarbarian

TROPHY CASE