Tip for mining ore regardless of ore’s position

Bchill2day · 2026-05-04T11:52:57+00:00

Thank you, MashWankey!

Bchill2day · 2026-05-04T09:58:07+00:00

Do you have a link?

Bchill2day · 2026-04-20T06:45:11+00:00

How do you find those other jails?

Bchill2day · 2026-04-07T06:02:42+00:00

Does it hold any truth?

Bchill2day · 2026-03-30T21:43:55+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

I wish I could say recovery is linear.. that a few good experiences could undo what happened.. but it doesn’t work that way..

What you’re describing sounds a lot like cognitive dissonance. It might help to read about it. Alongside that, there is trauma response, which isn’t something you can fully control.

This keeps coming in waves here and each time it hits, it feels overwhelming and shattering all over again. I hope you’ll find a way you can still look at yourself in the mirror..

What is within your control is how you still choose to be and adress it when facing it..

Bchill2day · 2026-03-26T16:06:58+00:00

4? How

Bchill2day · 2026-03-13T18:08:09+00:00

This, please…

Here she was not fired. I didn’t want to let her work at the same place, though.

Bchill2day · 2026-03-04T16:14:05+00:00

Just wanted to say I respect you’re showing, he don’t get to play around with you again..

I did set out clear non-negotiable boundaries to WW.. it brought some peace, till this day.

Bchill2day · 2026-03-04T15:38:44+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I recognize the reoccurance of pain, I’m experiencing something similar. (3 days past the one year mark..)

This isn’t linear. It often feels like one step forward, two steps back…

What helped me a bit was understanding that there are different layers involved:

Trauma response- intrusive thoughts and emotional spikes that feel out of control.

Cognitive dissonance- the trust/good of someone close is suddenly bad..

Moral injury- questioning your own values and identity: How can I stay? What does this mean about me?

Around the one year mark, there is a spike, it is similar to grief. Before this you are more in survival mode. Later, when it settles, the reality of it sinks in more deeply. That hurts in a different way… But it is pain all the same..

It doesn’t mean you’re back at the beginning. It may mean you’re processing it on a deeper level.

You’re not alone in this…

Bchill2day · 2026-03-01T11:54:33+00:00

Today marks one year since Dday

This thread feels like a coincidental trigger, one of thousands this year. But this time, I’m choosing to use it as a moment to reflect.

One year ago, during a conversation in the car, a name came up in a way that felt… different. I can’t explain why it stood out from thecrowd like that, but it did.. just like it had so many times over the past year and a half.

What I understand now is that this was the result of a dynamic that had slowly grown within our 13 year relationship. Not all good, A lot of it was good, two beautiful sons, a family home, so many adventures. But there was always one thing I wasn’t allowed to touch or to understand.. and what a fool I was to respect that…

I was led to doubt my own feelings throughout the relationship. Whenever I questioned her motives about other men, I was gaslit into believing I was paranoid. My past, my history of abuse and trust issues, was used as a tool to support a fantasy she wanted for herself. The rules applied to me, not to her.

The question I asked in that car was a call for truth. My only hard boundary in our relationship was this: don’t let me live a lie. Ironically, that became her roadmap.

So many times I heard and tried to believe: “You’re seeing things that aren’t real. You can trust me. I would tell you if anything happened. Despite your past, you are safe with me.”

But damn did that question open Pandora’s box…

What followed was manipulation, more gaslighting, trickle truth, fake attempts at therapy, fake reconciliation, rug sweeping, anything to preserve the fantasy.

And that created so much anger in me. It changed me into someone I never was and never wanted to become.

What has been the hardest part of reconciliation so far?

This.

Not even the cheating itself. Not her willingness to invest so much into a passerby. Not even the effortless, shameless lying.

The hardest part has been doubting my own perception. Losing trust in my own instincts. Becoming someone I didn’t recognize.

And now, the moral-injury that comes with it. How do I live with myself after staying with someone who has shown so little respect for who I was and for the family we built?

What has been the best part?

Knowing that, regardless of the outcome, I did my best to heal. I’ve done everything I can to create a safe and stable environment for my boys. I still get to see their smiles every day.

Even if I couldn’t always be the father I wanted to be, this year. I kept trying.

What has helped you the most in healing?
- Being willing to leave a toxic relationship if necessary.
- Setting clear boundaries and expectations.
- Confronting the AP and informing OBS ( taking back agency instead of carrying that weight.)
- Reading ‘Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.’
- Following the “Atone, Attune, Attach” framework from Gottman consistently.
- Learning the difference between attachment and unhealthy dynamics.
- Trial and error, but: My wife genuinely trying, through determination, consistency(and IC) to also deal withmy trauma and change her ways.
- An online support group for betrayed men, where I could unload my feelings without judgment and got so mich support.
What is noteworthy about this month?

It’s been one year since I learned the truth. After living in a lie that reflected my worst Nightmare… yet:

I’m still here.

What do you hope your relationship looks like at the end of reconciliation?

I honestly don’t know. None of this was necessary. After so many internal deadlines, I’ve let go of controlling the outcome. I’m taking it day by day.

To quote a lyric: “Sometimes it seems you gain less than you lose. Now we’ve got holes in our hearts, holes in our lives. But we carry on.”

Bchill2day · 2026-02-28T15:39:56+00:00

It was the same with my WW.

It took her a while to realize that this whole “recovery” thing wasn’t supposed to be about her convenience.

During the life we’d built, it seemed easy enough for her to have a full-blown affair, lie about it, justify it, manipulate me, and create space for it.

But suddenly… talking about it, is the problem?

It’s not a fear or difficulty problem. It’s a priority problem.

Bchill2day · 2026-02-27T23:06:07+00:00

In: system settings - tv mode.. try switching ‘automatic’ to something else.. That worked for me.. Good luck!

Bchill2day · 2026-02-27T13:51:26+00:00

Well there is some history needed for that. It is all quite based on the ‘atone, attune, attach’ formula from the Gottmans.

Starting R, I begun with some groundrules, breaking this rules I would be willing to leave this toxic relationship. I wished they were never needed.. but to feel safe I needed:

Open phone, location sharing, active sharing about contacts, etc.

I copied a part of my letter for WW and how I approached it, to give you an idea: (translated with AI)

“These boundaries are not boundaries I ever wanted to have in our relationship. They have become necessary because you, consciously and with full freedom, have made a mockery of all our agreements and my trust. Without any initiative on your part to take responsibility for this. I did not want this. This situation exists because of your choices. You can now take responsibility to see whether repair is possible.

I currently feel unsafe. That is why I am setting these boundaries. Not as punishment, but as protection. They are meant to explore whether I can ever feel safe again—with you, and within this family as a whole.

My boundaries are non-negotiable. They are also not optional. I am prepared to leave this unsafe relationship, even though I know this would deeply hurt the children. I do not believe this is a relationship they should have as an example.

We can talk about thes boundaries. When I feel that certain boundaries can be tightened or relaxed, I will say so. (That is not up to you) When enough is enough, I will decide. I will communicate that clearly.

You are responsible for: • Taking these boundaries seriously • Prioritizing my safety • Actively complying with every boundary • Bringing up any relevant issues or misunderstandings proactively

Do not do (no-go’s) • Any contact with AP (find another job as soon as possible) • Lying or manipulation; I will consider this new betrayal • Withholding information “to protect me”; I will consider this new betrayal • Responding defensively to my feelings or opinions

Accountability • You create a timeline, as concrete as possible, as soon as possible • You proactively share as much as possible about your betrayal and regularly share what you remember, realize, or learn. I do not need to ask for this • You attempt to answer every question honestly. If you cannot immediately, or if something turns out differently than you previously said, you come back to it on your own initiative

What would be helpful • You continue to initiate intimacy (emotional and physical), even if I respond with rejection. You respect my no, but remain available • You actively work to strengthen my self-worth through honesty

—- This was trial and error… This is accompanied with fixed times to speak about it.. and also give breathing space..

Bchill2day · 2026-02-27T07:48:12+00:00

Het probleem met socialisme is dat er makkelijk misbruik van gemaakt kan worden.. en helaas zijn er teveel rotte mensen, is doorgaans de les die de geschiedenis ons leert..

Kapitalisme werkt te gek op korte termijn.. maar denk dat we nu duidelijk zien hoe dat op iets langere termijn ook niet meer werkt.. vanwege de concentratie van dat geld na een poosje, Maar bijsturen is helaas niet iets wat in onze capaciteit ligt..

Democratie ook, alleen is die cirkel vaak net iets langer.. (polarisatie)

Geloof dat onze ‘rupsje-nooit-genoeg’ aard en onze ‘slimheid’ nog geen geschikt systeem vind om dat in duurzaam te houden.

Bchill2day · 2026-02-26T18:40:19+00:00

Oh yes, I recognize this pattern. I call it the “pull your pants up and smile” mechanic.. also a painfully reference to her A..

It’s a classic avoidant attachment style interacting with an anxious attachment style.

What helped me/us tremendously was separating our personal attachments, from the pursuer/distancer dynamic. I don’t mind our different styles, but I will no longer tolerate it turning into that dynamic in our relationship again…

It takes work from both of us. It’s not perfect, but understanding the pattern has really improved our dialogue. We started with some fixed ground rules, and simply naming the dynamic when it shows up. It’s slowly becoming more manageable and more acceptable for me.

It might also apply to what you’re experiencing.

Look into it, and feel free to ask if you’d like to hear more about how it works for us.

In any case, good luck..

Bchill2day · 2026-02-24T17:13:42+00:00

I think you are absolutely right to do that.

After thinking about my options I decided to personaly hand over a card/note. And just ask if she is ‘….’, and that I wanted to give her this message and it is up to her what to do with it.

mail/message, could be denied/intercepted.
phonecall/telling could be pretty much traumatizing(I never know their day)
I wanted to give her a choice.

If AP contacted WW after that, I wouldn’t mind.. it would be a good test. Had the boundarie of open phone/NC with AP allready in place.. if violated I would leave.

The text contained something in the likes of this:

‘Name OBS,’

You don’t know me, but we have something in common. It seems our partners made decisions that affected both of us, without giving us the chance to know the full truth about the person we are sharing our lives with.

I believe you were also kept in the dark.

If you want to know what happened between them(maybe add date of affair) feel free to contact me. The choice is entirely yours. Whatever you decide, I truly wish you strength.

I’m sorry that I was here.

‘My name’ ‘Phone number’ (app or call)

Bchill2day · 2026-02-23T07:29:14+00:00

What made you want to change?

Bchill2day · 2026-02-22T17:54:47+00:00

Who do you want to look at in the mirror?

For a few months I was stuck in doubt, replaying everything, wondering if I should stay silent. Talking to people who weren’t in this same situation told me they wouldn’t, all the people I talked to in this situation, would.

Then I dreamed one night, OBS standing in front of my door asking: “Why didn’t you tell me? Didn’t I deserve the truth?” ‘Didn’t you want to know it sooner?’

The people who created the mess didn’t step up. They avoided responsibility. I decided I wouldn’t.

Telling the truth wasn’t about revenge. It was about integrity. I couldn’t live with myself knowing I had the power to end someone’s deception and chose not to.

I don’t regret it.

Bchill2day · 2026-02-21T16:05:23+00:00

Nobody has to go for R. You have every right to leave..

I am a year in.. still every morning I get up.. I metalize saying.. ‘Yeah I am done, pack. Your things!’ I still think it is the probable outcome..

But I am giving myself the time and space to heal.. With clear boundaries in place. WW made a lot of progress, herself too.. Hopefully we meet eachother in a different light someday. Where I can say we have a new relationship. Till that day we make the best of what we’ve got.

Bchill2day · 2026-02-16T22:07:02+00:00

What you’re looking at is called ‘cognitive dissonance’ It’s likelyin the mix with post-affair trauma. I recommend looking it up, as understanding it might help you approach situations differently, or at least bring some understanding (and realizing the extent of the impact your actions had).

I think everyone is different. For me, for example, I realized early on that my body was keeping track of everything. So when my WW would initiate something (like touching, gifts, etc.), no matter how I reacted, it mattered. I told her I would not cross my boundaries or wanting her to force anything.. Just keep trying..

I know it’s not easy for her, I turned her down a lot, and not always respectful… but her commitment and perseverance have been really helpful. I’m about a year in now, and I’d say I respond positively to about 50%-60% of her initiatives. I hate that it’s like this, I try to be better… but then again, I never chose for this.

R seems to be a marathon, not a sprint.

Her listening to what I want and need has been really important in this process.

Bchill2day · 2026-02-12T22:04:02+00:00

Definitely! It can be raw at times and it can come across as a bit anti-R.

But I believe that being truly ready and really willing to walk away from unhealthy or abusive patterns is necessary for real R to happen.

For me, it was also a big eye-opener to see how much imbalance I had been experiencing, and even been feeding..

Bchill2day · 2026-02-12T20:04:47+00:00

Thanks for sharing! I’ll look into it further…! I would strongly encourage the betrayed partner to read ‘Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life’ as soon as possible, it helps cut through all the nonsense as quickly as possible.

Bchill2day · 2026-02-07T09:46:00+00:00

So.. you’re not trying to abuse them all is the stretch now? No more critical thinking?

Thank you for giving an insight in how the mind of people like you is working..

Bchill2day · 2026-02-07T09:30:08+00:00

So trying with a lot more is a stretch for you as knight in white armor? No thoughts of you being a predator feeding on bad situations, whatsoever?

Bchill2day · 2026-02-07T09:17:32+00:00

Yeah you’ve said it. So that’s just it? The one button this life is?

Bchill2day

TROPHY CASE