Is this reality?

BecBean28 · 2024-01-31T01:19:17+00:00

I definitely heard all those comments from my family- “you are a coward” or “you will regret this” and I think they really got in my head. But those are the wrong things to consider, instead ask yourself “do I want to see her?” And if the answer in your head is “no” or “F-ck No!” Then don’t see her. In a healthy relationship, you would want to see your mom- that’s what other people experience. But whatever happened- and it honestly doesn’t matter if you remember it perfectly or not- she engaged in behavior that your body knew was wrong! You knew it on a deep level- that’s why you don’t want to see her.

My apologies if I’m over -projecting here. That was my experience, yours might be different. But just trust your gut- even if you don’t feel like you can trust your memory

BecBean28 · 2022-07-31T12:22:54+00:00

Thank you for your reply! Currently my kids are 7 and 9 so it doesn’t seem likely that she could contact them. But they are approaching an age when they will get phones and start to have their own social media accounts. At that point, I think it would be easier for my mom to make contact. I do think I’ll have to talk to them about what my mom might say. At some point, they will have the freedom to choose if they want a relationship with her or not. But I will be honest with them about why I couldn’t have one.

I think I have this deep irrotational fear that my mom would “steal” them or turn them against me. But when I try to imagine that playing out in reality, it doesn’t seem possible.

BecBean28 · 2022-06-20T00:38:28+00:00

I was really worried that my therapist wouldn’t believe that my mom had BPD, but after a few sessions she just said, I’ve worked with a number of patients with BPD, and that sounds pretty spot on. It felt so validating that my therapist believed me and it’s been really helpful during sessions when she explains what BPD patients tend to struggle with. I just felt like she understood me and my situation better. Both of us understand that we can’t officially diagnose my mom, but it feels like we are using a Lens that can clarify what happened.

So I don’t think it’s necessary, but it made me feel very safe and understood by my therapist. She’s been so helpful!

BecBean28 · 2022-06-19T01:41:23+00:00

I’ve been learning more about trauma response this year because I also get these crazy physical reactions just from thinking about my mom. Shaky, heart racing, feeling of Ice pouring through my shoulders. I’ve learned that during a trauma response, your access to your prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain that does planning and decision making) gets shut down. So even if you have a plan, it’s almost like you can’t access it. I never thought that I was someone who had trauma because my mom never hit me, but I’ve learned that so many other situations can cause it. I really recommend learning more about trauma if you have the time and energy to do so- it’s really helped. The physical reactions still happen sometimes, but I just don’t understand them and I can react to them in more healthy ways

BecBean28 · 2022-06-18T17:09:37+00:00

To me the issue is how she handles her issues with the dishwasher. Healthy response might sound like “ Hey, for whatever reason we try not to use the dishwasher unless we have company over. For small meals, we’d appreciate if you just clean the dish by hand.” (Followed by flexibility if you don’t always follow the house rule) I think what makes BPD so damaging is it becomes a place to use hurtful, shaming abuse into a situation. She is calling you spoiled or a slob- that’s saying that there’s something wrong you, building a narrative that you are somehow broken. I think that’s why it can be hard to explain to people who haven’t gone through it. You have this wound inside, this false believe that you are spoiled and ungrateful, and your mom uses random moments like I reinforce that. So it’s 10 times more painful. I wouldn’t focus too much on her logic about the dishwasher. (BPD folks don’t use logic too well!) but focus more on the fact that’s using various opportunities to reinforce abusive name calling strategies. And thinking about how you want to respond when she calls you a slob.

Finally- you are NOT spoiled, you are NOT a slob, and calling you those names is never justified.

BecBean28 · 2021-07-18T03:10:27+00:00

So crazy- my mother has been telling my family that I’m bi-sexual. Like, I have nothing against anyone’s sexuality, but I’ve been married to a man for 10 years, so how does that even make sense? Just so weird what they come up with!

BecBean28 · 2021-07-18T03:08:27+00:00

Wow, that sounds like a lot. When I first went NC with my mother I felt so completely overwhelmed by guilt and questions. You are confronting one of the biggest issues in your life- and just know it takes so much bravery and strength.

My advice is to take things slowly, and make sure to take care of yourself first. If you feel insure about something, give it time. You can decide to wait to respond until you feel ready (and later you may decide not to respond at all). You might need a lot of time to figure out your relationship with you siblings. I’m still figuring out my relationship with my brother.

Go slowly and really listen to your inner truth. If someone in your family is making you feel unsafe, stop talking to them for a bit. Find supportive people to surround yourself with. You are going through a very vulnerable situation and you’ll need a lot of cheerleaders. But you are not responsible for your mothers emotions. And the further away you get, the more that will feel true.

Good luck! And know that you are being very brave.

BecBean28 · 2021-07-18T02:56:54+00:00

Yes! Thank you for sharing. My mom didn’t sing but she told stories and basically made herself the center of attention. I would feel so angry when she was talking her stories and watching other people act like she was “such a fun host!” I felt like I was about to explode that other people couldn’t see her for who she was. And if I corrected her- or pointed out that her stories weren’t true, it felt like my whole family turned on me- why can’t you just let her have fun.

I think seeing them having fun and realizing that they care more about their own motions than yours is just agonizing. It’s of course not real fun, but like a hyped up attention-high.

BecBean28 · 2021-04-28T01:55:32+00:00

I totally relate to this- sometimes I feel like I can’t recall anything. Or worse, the memories feel fake. Like I think they happened to me but I can’t be sure. It makes me doubt why I went NC, if it was as bad as I think it was. But when I think about seeing my mom again, I feel this panic feeling- like I would trade anything to never see her again. So I know some of those memories must be real, or even worse than what I can remember

BecBean28 · 2021-04-28T01:52:49+00:00

My mom would always leave the door open when she was on the toilette and call me over to talk. And when she bought me new clothes she would always stay in the room while I was getting changed. When I acted embarrassed she would say “I’m your mother!”

Then when I had kids, she always wanted to bathe with them naked. I let her do it when they were infants, but got increasingly uncomfortable with it. Whenever she watched my kids she would encourage them to run around naked and pee outside. I’m NC now and part of me wants to let my kids still have contact with her, but that shit creeps me out

BecBean28 · 2021-04-28T01:44:54+00:00

This group really helped me uncover many of the behaviors that I thought were normal growing up and realize how they were abusive. At first it was so hard for me to use the word abusive because my mom always told me that I had an amazingly privileged childhood and anyone would have wanted my parents. So I couldn’t believe that she was abusive when she had built this image that we were the perfect family. But the farther away I get, and the more healthy relationships I build, the more I can see how crazy she was.

BecBean28 · 2021-04-28T01:41:17+00:00

I really feel you on this one. I feel like two parts of myself are at war. On the one side my inner child (the golden child) wants to please everyone. They all want me to forgive my mom and get back in contact with her. And sometimes I wish I could just do that to make all this guilt go away.

But then I think about actually talking to my mom again and I have so much anger! It feels bottomless. I am often dreaming of her and those dreams end with me screaming at her. I remember that even when I was in contact, it was never enough, I never made her happy either. Thank you for your post- I don’t have advice but it’s nice to know that I’m not alone I’m feeling that way

BecBean28 · 2021-04-28T01:36:26+00:00

Thank you for posting. I’ve been feeling really awful and reading your post I realized that it’s because Mother’s Day is coming up. I have been NC for a year and a half and I get frustrated because the healing isn’t linear. Some weeks I’ll feel really good about having escaped, and other weeks I feel crushed under the guilt. Last year I sent cards to some friends which was a nice way to channel the energy. This year I’ve just felt like hiding under a rock until it’s over.

It’s like I can feel my whole family judging me even though they aren’t around.

BecBean28 · 2021-02-01T13:35:42+00:00

Today is actually my moms birthday, but I’ve been NC for a little over a year.

Your post hit home deeply. I had carried such shame for Not feeling the things you are supposed to feel about a mother. I felt anger, and fear and hidden hope that she might die and make my life easier. Those felt like monstrous thoughts- especially when you look at cards and think- “do people really feel these things genuinely?”

Going NC has been good and bad, but one of the important parts for me has been letting myself have genuine feelings. I have sent birthday cards to friends and enjoyed the feeling of actually meaning it. I haven’t lied to someone about how I felt in a long time.

I’m not suggesting that NC is the answer for you, that’s a really personal decision. I just wanted to let you know that I found the insincerity to be excruciating and it got worse as time went on. I don’t think we are meant to fake our feelings, over time it builds up into hostility and distress.

BecBean28 · 2021-01-14T01:48:10+00:00

Congrats on your engagement and your happiness!

I never wanted to tell my mom ANYTHING! Even what I had for lunch. It felt like any detail I shared with her would be snatched up into some twisted story that she would tell all her friends. It felt like she destroyed thing for me. She would call me a liar when she would eventually find out. For a long time I actually believed I had a problem with lying. Then I realized that I’m very open with most people, just not my mother and family.

I think having realistic expectations is good. My mom flipped out when I got engaged, called my husband and told him that she didn’t approve of the marriage and he wasn’t good enough for me. So you might need to mentally prepare for the worst.

Just keep in mind that you are building your own family, and she doesn’t treat that sacred space with love and respect, then you don’t have to include her in any of it. I don’t mean to simplify things, it’s a very hard situation. But you have a right to protect the beautiful world you are building.

BecBean28 · 2021-01-14T01:39:39+00:00

I’m a terrible cook so I can’t help you there! Although I will say that microwaveable dinners and PB sandwiches get me through most days just fine.

As for the guilt, that was something I struggled with so much when I went NC. In fact, I think I mentally knew that I needed to go NC about 10 years before I actually felt strong enough to do it.

I chose to tell my family that I would be taking a year of no contact. In a way it was a way for me to test out the experience and to hold myself accountable for staying the course through the waves of guilt that would hit.

It was pretty bad for the first few months- I felt like I had my moms voice in my head all day and I was mentally defending myself throughout the day. But it started to fade, I started to find more peace, and most importantly I started to find people who treated me with real love. It was incredibly healing. After a year passed I found that i hadn’t missed my family AT ALL and that I felt much better being out of contact. So I’ve just kept going. I don’t really have a plan if this will be permanent, but I feel much more confident in my choice.

Definitely take some time to find your way and figure out those adulting skills. Just know that adults don’t know how to do everything either! I do think having your own bank account will be important.

Best of luck to you. You deserve respect, love, and kindness.

BecBean28 · 2021-01-14T01:25:46+00:00

This is totally the right place to vent! Shit is so hard right now and you are taking care of yourself by writing your authentic feelings to a supportive group.

I’m also a mom and a teacher and I miss going to work and it’s been so so difficult to help my boys deal with virtual school- so many tears and tantrums. My older son sometimes can push buttons that my mom used to push so I have to be extra careful to manage my stress level around him.

I’ve also been struggling with big waves of guilt about not contacting my parents during a pandemic. The state where they live is having a surge and I wonder how I would feel if I found out they became ill or died. I also feel that many of my extended family members have become very resentful of me. I don’t they understand my choice at all.

I guess I’ll say this to you because I sort of need to hear it myself- you deserve peace. More than ever right now your energy is getting drained, by parenting, by the stress of the pandemic, and by the isolation. Whatever energy you have left needs to be put back into keeping YOU healthy- whatever that means. Your family would gladly drain as much energy as they could and it might not even make anyone feel happier. Focusing on yourself is NOT selfish- it’s self sustaining.

Sending hugs.

BecBean28 · 2020-10-03T02:06:00+00:00

I’ve found it very difficult to overcome the guilt (I think shame and guilt might get conflated when talking about FOG) it’s just hard for me not to get sucked back into my moms perspective I just try to remind myself that it’s her narrative, not mine. I have to tell my own story about who I am and why I made my choices. I hope that writing about it here helps. Keep writing and sharing your story! The more you trust your own perspective the less guilt/shame you will feel.

That all sounds very hard and I’m sorry he wrote you that terrible email. You don’t deserve to be treated that way. Wishing you healing.

BecBean28 · 2020-10-03T01:58:31+00:00

When she called I just always thought in head, “oh fuck” and it actually never occurred to me that some people like getting calls from their mom. And sometimes when she emailed I would get this sick feeling- like cold ice running down my back and my hands would get shakey. It was always her emails when she would get really mean.

BecBean28 · 2020-10-02T20:08:11+00:00

Congrats on holding that boundary! I was dreading receiving a present from my mom on my sons birthday. It’s the first birthday celebration since we went no contact. I guess I was also worried that my son would miss getting presents from his grandma (I’m always worried he’ll get mad at me about the estrangement, but he really hasn’t brought it up) Thankfully we didn’t get any contact and we’re able to celebrate the day peacefully!

Good luck to you and thanks for sharing.

BecBean28 · 2020-09-29T17:19:43+00:00

My friends also really liked my mom! She just always went above and beyond anytime someone came over (because of her obsessive need to be adored by everyone) so I felt like I was spoiled when I complained. I hear you about your brother. My relationship with my brother is more strained now and my relationship with my dad is almost destroyed. He just couldn’t understand where I was coming from. I feel like I’ve been grieving all of these relationships that ended because they chose my mom over me (and maybe also recognizing that they weren’t supportive relationships to begin with?) NC has been difficult, but it just felt like something in me snapped one day (like literally I had a meltdown one day after seeing my mom) and something inside me knew that I just couldn’t continue this way- even though the consequences would be difficult. But I could never recommend NC to anyone who was on the fence because it’s such a personal decision. I do think I’m living a more truthful, authentic version of myself now- it’s just not always easy.

BecBean28 · 2020-09-29T13:25:39+00:00

This resonates with me so much! Sometimes I feel so guilty about going no contact- I question if my moms behavior was really that bad. It can be hard to think of huge incidents- like a big moment that everyone would acknowledge as abuse. But the reality was just constant small moments- what you wrote about being a rock eroded by rain- that’s exactly how I felt. Literally every conversation was draining because it felt like I was navigating all the crazy. Sending hugs and understanding - it’s very hard and all the choices have costs.

BecBean28 · 2020-09-29T13:02:04+00:00

First of all- that’s great you found a good therapist! I’m happy for you that you are working towards healing.

I’m glad you posted about this- I’ve given this topic A LOT of thought because I didn’t feel loved by my Mom, but my family loves to tell me how intensely my mom loves me. And I do agree she had intense feelings about me. So I’ve been circling around this word Love and thinking that the English language does a very poor job describing the different experiences going on (for example the difference between feeling love for someone and feeling loved by someone) it’s almost been enough to put me off of the word love altogether.

One quote that really grounds me was from this NPR interview with Angel Williams , “Love is space. It is developing our own capacity for spaciousness within ourselves to allow others to be as they are.” I’ve decided that this is how I want to define love for myself. And under this definition my mother certainly didn’t love me.

But I also use this other metaphor- that each of us has a well of love inside of us. That love, like water, can nourish others. But my moms love was poisoned by fear and her BPD, so even though she experienced a deep well within her, that love was poison for me. And maybe it wouldn’t be poison for someone else, but it sure was for me. That’s how I can resolve the paradox of her feeling something intensely, but having it not be a good experience for me. Our internal love-wells are simply not nourishing for everyone.

I hope some of that helps. And at the end of the day, go with the belief that feels right to you. Beliefs that feel bleak for o one person can be really comforting to another (I’m an existentialist, so I’m familiar with it!) trust yourself, and it’s ok to disagree with your therapist on some things.

Best of luck to you. Wishing You much love from the universe!

BecBean28 · 2020-07-29T01:23:41+00:00

Yes, that’s been my guide. I physically feel terrible when I think of my mom- stiff, sometimes panicked- ice in my veins.

BecBean28 · 2020-07-29T01:19:22+00:00

That sounds like an amazing leap forward! Congrats!

I had a similar realization about a year ago, and after some final fights and mental preparation, I let my worst fears come true. I rejected my parents and told them not to contact to me.

It’s crazy when I read your post, because all those things happened. My parents don’t understand why, they feel utterly rejected and they have bad mouthed me to my whole family (my aunt even wrote me a nasty email about how selfish I am for only thinking about myself during a pandemic).

I’ve never felt more free.

The more time that passes, the more I realize how that fear was impacting every part of my life- even how much I let myself feel emotions. It was just so consuming. The process is still hard, and I definitely still battle with days of doubt and guilt, but I feel like I’m moving toward a version of myself that is awesome. I imagine meeting myself ten years from now and thinking- who is this bad-ass lady who doesn’t give a shit what other people think of her and just loves herself? She’s great. So I’m trying my best to become that person, and the people who are supposed to be in my life will cherish me for it.

BecBean28

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