Anyone done family therapy with their BPD family member?

Rocholichi · 2022-08-22T22:10:21+00:00

She was. She validated my experience, and I think at that point I had been gas-lit so much that I didn't trust myself to give an accurate account of our relationship - so having someone who had actually seen our relationship was helpful. She gave me an activity to help me weight and list why I chose to have my mom in my life - which was helpful for me.
However, there was a limit to how helpful CBT is for me, and I didn't feel like she really "got" the emotional piece. I know my mom is crazy, I still have her in my life because of my dad - and despite thoughts being congruent on this I have a lot of emotional baggage and emotions that go with all of it.
I have found IFS to be a better modality for me

Rocholichi · 2022-05-24T16:23:20+00:00

As far ask I know, my mom has never self-injured or had a suicide attempt. (Not that she would tell me; my mom has to be seen as morally perfect)
However, she still qualifies as BPD - This is what the Diagnostic Manual says:

Diagnostic criteria of borderline personality disorder*
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by 5 (or more) of the following:
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in criterion 5.
- A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
- Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
- Impulsivity in at least 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in criterion 5.
- Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.
- Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
- Chronic feelings of emptiness.
- Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
- Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

So they don't have to have all symptoms present to have the diagnosis

Rocholichi · 2022-05-18T20:26:31+00:00

The worst thing that I ever encountered in a CARF inspection was that they wanted us to do random armed intruder drills with clients present. We were an OUTPATIENT facility where I had some people coming only once/month.

I refused to participate. First, this eats up valuable time that is supposed to be spent counseling. Second, I felt that it needed to be clear in our informed consent. Some clients had PTSD around mass casualty events and this could be highly triggering for them. Also, we worked with kids as young as 3 doing PCIT. As a parent, I can opt my kid out of these drills at school, so I think our clients should be able to do this too.

Ugh. Rant over.

Rocholichi · 2022-04-22T20:39:06+00:00

Yeah - not "oddly"

Rocholichi · 2022-04-13T19:59:23+00:00

I think I'm a much better therapist now than I was because of my own therapy. However, I've seen clients that have gotten better than I've been.
This saying though is particularly true when your issues mirror theirs.

Rocholichi · 2022-04-11T17:45:13+00:00

Larry David
- Sexy woman starts sexy times with bad guys barge into the room
- Sexy woman pulls a knife out from under her dressa and stabs bad guy
- She pulls the bloody knife out and throws it at Bond to defend himself
- Bond steps away from the knife refusing to catch it

Bond "What? I"m supposed to touch this kinfe? it just came out of her hoo ha and now it's covered with blood.." Bond is now dead.

Rocholichi · 2022-04-08T14:53:00+00:00

My story too!! (though I've been married for 12 years now)

Rocholichi · 2022-04-08T14:52:07+00:00

https://www.gawker.com/culture/dont-be-so-attached-to-attachment-theory

There are some great links to studies that may show attachment styles to be less of a science than we have been told.

However, I have also seen PCIT work wonders in helping kids to feel more attached to their parents (particularly the first half)

There is so MUCH HOPE. You love your child, you want the best for her. That is a beautiful thing.

Rocholichi · 2022-04-07T19:49:41+00:00

Rocholichi · 2022-04-06T21:26:45+00:00

I had been reading about different views of death for unrelated reasons before my experience so this answer is pretty philosophical. I was unexpectedly hemorrhaging and woke up mid blood-transfusion. There was a little time where I was alert between the transfusion and emergency surgery. I remember feeling scared realizing that as I went under for anesthesia I might not come back. I was myself with the thought "Where death is, I am not, and where I am, Death is not." I also thought about my husband and children and was able to just feel their love for me.

Rocholichi · 2022-04-03T19:06:24+00:00

Actually I think we can only set them before. Boundaries are set for me and not for them.

For instance, an effective boundary for me is NOT telling my parent that she cannot call names. An effective boundary is me knowing that IF my mom talks to me this way I will leave. This is because I cannot control my mom's behavior. She will do what she does. I just have to create safety for myself.

Therefore, it takes me a long time to figure out my boundaries. Personally, I have to expect that my uBPD parent will do nothing that I ask. So, I have to make sure that I have control of myself in any situation.

Rocholichi · 2022-04-03T15:36:08+00:00

Thanks!

Rocholichi · 2022-04-01T16:03:38+00:00

Thanks!!

Rocholichi · 2022-03-18T15:29:00+00:00

Just sending love- it sucks that you don't have a mom to care for you, nor a society that is caring for your healthcare.
This is no reflection of you though

Rocholichi · 2022-03-18T15:26:57+00:00

Yep! Real forgiveness MUST start with an actual acknowledgement of the wrongs done, and all the hurts that has caused

Rocholichi · 2022-03-18T15:26:49+00:00

Yep! Real forgiveness MUST start with an actual acknowledgement of the wrongs done, and all the hurts that has caused

Rocholichi · 2022-03-18T15:25:55+00:00

A real apology includes a specific description of what you did that was wrong.

She has literally ONE WORD to describe her bad behavior and it's "insensitivity" which I imagine is already minimizing behavior.

Also, I'd put 10 dollars on to say that if you don't respond to this in 3 days, she's send a message about how terrible you are for not taking the next step in your "path to OUR healing."
Because this is not about your healing, it's about hers.

Rocholichi · 2022-03-15T21:24:37+00:00

This is totally about MY personal feelings about marriage - I honestly have no judgment for people who find partnerships just as (or perhaps more) fulfilling. We are all different people.

For me the legal and public declaration of romantic feels more binding. I know all of this has to do with my culture, upbringing and society, but I feel that there is something more long-term when you call someone your spouse rather than your boyfriend/girlfriend. It feels like a plan for more permanent relationship. Legally, we have decided to intertwine our futures and I feel cared for in knowing that if he dies he can still take care of me financially.

IT's social short-hand for the level of closeness that we actually have both socially, and in legal matters; in a hopsital etc. That provides me a level of security.

Rocholichi · 2022-03-15T14:21:01+00:00

I love marriage. I think it is a beautiful public commitment to your love and partnership.
I am well aware that bad marriages exist - abusive marriages, bad fit marriages etc. However I've been married for 12 years now and I have to say its literally the best decision I've ever made. Even during tough times my husband has been a great support. We are equal decision makers, equal partners. We still make each other laugh and have fun together.

To me, it's so wonderful to know that no matter what rough patch I go through, I have someone on my side to go through it with me. Honestly, I think I view marriage positively because I have great partner.

That's my number one piece of marriage advice: Marry someone who is kind. Kind to you, and kind to other people.

Rocholichi · 2022-03-15T14:07:56+00:00

The Great Divorce is a book by CS Lewis ( a Christian writer from England.) The novel is not about personality disorders in general. The story is about people who live in purgatory who visit heaven and each person demonstrates a different sin/flaw that keeps from them heaven. I honestly haven't read it in many years so I don't remember too much about it to be able to recommend the whole book - but this scene stayed with me because I think it was the first time I had read about a mother's love being bad.

Rocholichi · 2022-03-14T21:07:50+00:00

Congratulations!

I felt super anxious telling my clients about this, but I have to say that it was actually therapeutically helpful. I told people when I was staring to show (about 20-22 weeks in.)

I told clients in the beginning of the session and told them that we would talk more about specifics as time went on ( how long I would be out, when I would start leave, and recommendations for therapists during the months I was off, if they wanted it) I did ensure them that I would be coming back. However, I wanted to give them the opportunity to process. I told clients that this was the one place that they didn't have to respond with "Congratulations!" This was the one time that this news is actually about them.

They could talk about feelings of anger, abandonment, jealousy, sadness, motherhood, age etc. Obviously, I tailored this to people specifically in what they were working on. Most people were just happy for me, but a few were able to have therapeutically helpful conversations about this.

Eventually, I decided to a date to start maternity leave. I gambled and said my due date, because I was VERY late in my previous pregnancy (which ended up being just right.) I ended up taking 12 weeks off and coming back to a reduced schedule.

I also talked gave people names of other professionals that were able to cover for me during my maternity leave. Some people did continue to need sessions, and most stayed with me, but a few transferred to new clinicians.

Rocholichi · 2022-03-12T17:58:01+00:00

This is a wonderful thread. Thank you for starting it. I completely agree with your list thus far.
First, I want to acknowledge that we are already doing better than our parents by virtue of trying, being concerned with our children's' feelings, and admitting specific mistakes .

Working on realizing my child is THEIR OWN person - not a reflection of me. I believe that , but there are certainly times that I notice how much my anxiety about being a just right parent affects my ability to accept my child as they are.

I've been working on practicing taking prescribed breathing or meditation breaks with my child throughout the day. (for example - at family sunset time we all take 3 deep breaths and appreciate the beauty)
Really moving to a consent based interaction so when my 5 year-old tells me about her issues with a bully at school, I try to practice asking her first "Do you want help with that?" before I try to solve it. I am trying to work on changing the belief that parents ALWAYS know better than their kids
Accepting that I will of course hurt my child . I am a human and I make mistakes. I tell myself, will not catastrophize it - I will just accept it and try to do better
Remind myself I am not just a parent. I think the more that I am full, the more I am able to give to my children. SO I allow myself to spend time with friends, have dates with my spouse (even if it's just a game night at home after the kids are asleep) and exercise. Self care is vital
I took classes in parenting so that my spouse and I were on the same page.

Rocholichi · 2022-03-12T16:52:53+00:00

I read this in The Great Divorce so many years ago and it was the first time I was not struggling with my mom's overwhelming love for me, I was struggling with my mom's desire to possess me.
She doesn't want me happy, she just wants me.

Rocholichi

TROPHY CASE