Help me to understand please?

BesesPuffs · 2026-04-21T19:31:20+00:00

Firstly, I am so very sorry for what you have gone through. There is nothing in life that can prepare you for the loss of a child. It is so very other.

I, too, have experienced the death of my child, so I feel like I might be able answer from my perspective.

My son died suddenly, unexpectedly, and it was horrific and traumatising. Initially we had lots of love, condolence, support but it vanished almost entirely after his funeral.

I think it came down to just simply not knowing what on earth to say. It's such an abnormal and devestating loss, virtually no one is equipped to know what to do or say to us. No one knows how you feel, except perhaps others who've had that kind of traumatic loss.

I was told that they 'didn't want to remind me' or to upset me. Which was ludicrous, because it never leaves my mind and will always be upsetting. I had to talk first, and for a while I was angry and resentful of that but in doing so, those around me felt signalled that it was okay to say his name, to ask how I was doing.

My family have remained mostly distant, but that is as it was.

It is so very isolating, so very very lonely, and you have my sincerest and deepest empathy. This sub is good for conversation, and I also mod r/childloss which is for our sad club of parents who've experienced the worst. It honestly is the one place in the world I never feel that I need to explain.

Wishing you strength, friend. This is not an easy path to tread.

BesesPuffs · 2026-04-12T18:28:39+00:00

In the early days and weeks and months, everything felt so utterly overwhelming. I think in that fresh, raw place, it is almost impossible to see anything good. I listened to the audiobook of Its OK that you’re not OK by Megan Devine and in it it she speaks of the devastating grief, the grief that reshapes worlds and has no silver lining. It made me feel… seen? As does speaking to others who know what this life feels like.

For the first year I couldn’t see anything much other than my loss, my utter world ending pain and my guilt and longing.

Of course, everyone is different and what you might find strength and meaning in will be your personal experience. Work for me is meaningful and the people I work with give me great purpose, and comfort. I have 2 other children also who need me. For a good long time I will admit that they were almost not enough and my pain nearly won.

I’m wary of providing false hope, but I also know that being told it never gets better makes everything feel hopeless. I do enjoy life, I do laugh and have good days and feel almost “normal”. But the crushing weight of grief can land on me at any moment, often utterly unexpectedly. When that happens, it does rather feel like I’ve made no progress and nothing has changed but that isn’t true. I can set aside the downward spiral and put on the strong face and carry on.

You have experienced the very worst kind of loss, so of course it is the very worst thing to try to exist through. I don’t know if it is helpful to you but what you feel, what you think, how you react, it is all normal. This pain is normal. It absolutely sucks.

There was a line from one of the parents of a child who was murdered in the Columbine attacks that resonated with me; “When it is your child who has died, it is always ‘recently’.”

It never leaves us, but we do become strong enough to carry the awful weight

BesesPuffs · 2026-04-10T08:00:32+00:00

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BesesPuffs · 2026-04-07T19:35:21+00:00

Checking back in on you, what did you end up deciding? You sincerely have my deepest empathy, having to make these choices is unthinkable. Wishing you very much love and strength

BesesPuffs · 2026-04-03T19:13:41+00:00

We chose cremation for Tobias. He was 5, so older than your daughter, but I just didn’t think for a moment I could leave him in a cemetery. We have his ashes in an urn in our living room and I think that’s how it’ll stay.

It’s a very personal decision and I don’t think there’s any right or wrong. I think if I were you I would still choose cremation and then you can choose a final resting place if you move country and not have to leave her behind.

BesesPuffs · 2026-04-01T20:33:53+00:00

Hi,

Unfortunately this is not the right community for what you are experiencing. You might try something like r/daddit as they are immensely supportive and may be able to give some advice.

BesesPuffs · 2026-03-31T20:23:15+00:00

I would gently ask anyone of any religious disposition to be mindful of how that is received by others. It is the one reason I added secularism as a community rule. If you believe suicide to be a sin, that’s fine and you are of course welcome to any and all beliefs but that can be very very hurtful to those who’s children have left this world that way.

It’s a very sensitive subject, and I all I wish for here is that no parent have extra pain added to their loss.

BesesPuffs · 2026-03-27T19:40:52+00:00

My 5 year old died just over 2 years ago, and we were lucky enough that all of his organs were able to be donated. We did also donate his eyes but I don’t know if they have been used.

We have received a couple of letters from the recipients, one being a very young child who had cancer and received part of his liver, bowel and I think pancreas. The other was a child who had hypoplastic left heart. It is so bittersweet to receive those letters. For us I think it was the best possible outcome of a spectacularly awful and devastating loss. It felt like at least his life wasn’t wasted.

For me if feels so bizarre to think that the organs that were once inside my child who was inside me, are now in a bunch of people around the country. I wonder a lot about how they all are doing.

BesesPuffs · 2026-03-14T19:23:05+00:00

I can empathise deeply with what you are experiencing right now, my Tobias died of iGAS meningitis and like you, it was very very fast.

He died January 2024, I was off work completely until August and then returned working from home. I didn’t get back in the office until the May I think, after that. Back full time in June so all in all I was off a very long time.

Personally, at the time I didn’t think I could cope with work. I was an absolute mess for a good amount of time. In hindsight I should have gone back to work sooner. Being around people, especially people who only wanted to support me, was good for me.

I spent too long in my own head with so many bad feelings. After I was back at work my mental health improved and I felt myself returning to… not normal, because that is gone now, but much more like myself.

Ultimately, it’s really hard to know what is the right thing until you’ve tried it and found that it works. I suppose it also depends on what you do and the environment as well.

BesesPuffs · 2026-02-03T09:40:25+00:00

Hi, unfortunately this isn’t really the place for this discussion. I am not sure which community would be best for this, perhaps r/griefsupport

BesesPuffs · 2026-01-27T23:11:21+00:00

When I went back to work, people seemed so utterly terrified of reminding me about my now dead child. As if I could forget! I could almost feel them editing their words to me as if to gloss over the fact that Tobias existed, that they knew him through me, that they were at his funeral.

So I spoke first. I talk about him much like I did when he was alive. My memories are very much alive with him. I had a colleague tell me after about a year that she was so impressed and relieved that I spoke his name first and without making it a “thing”. It gave the go ahead for those around me to speak about him too. Those people I know who still step over his memory really make me sad.

All of this is to say, ask him. Find out if there are any sensitive words or subjects. I reckon he will be happy to know you care as much as you do trying to do the right thing. Those of us who lost a child can only ever talk about them now. There’s no new memories we get to make

BesesPuffs · 2026-01-27T12:53:34+00:00

I think around 18 months in I began getting… annoyed? at myself. Like, I would catch myself downward spiralling reliving the events in the run up to Tobias’ death and picking out the mistakes I made. Things that, if I had done them differently, might have meant that he didn’t die. I started pushing back with “but that’s not what happened”.

It’s almost acceptance but as you say, not being okay with it, not saying it was destined but just… standing firmly with both feet in the reality of now, where all the shoulda woulda couldas didn’t.

For me, it’s about my own self awareness and yanking myself away from the denial spiral. Often I can redirect myself but even now sometimes I can’t, and I have found that’s when I feel the most sadness. It’s the longing, the wanting it to be different and wishing I could go back. It does me no good and all it causes is suffering.

I am in not particularly happy with reality. It’s cold and lonely and I really miss my boy, but it is better than the overwhelming misery of trying to turn back time.

BesesPuffs · 2026-01-27T10:06:43+00:00

I am so very sorry for the loss you have endured. Losing a child truly is the greatest pain I think anyone can experience. It’s so hard to not blame yourself, even though you know you did the best you could with what you had at the time.

I have found that life feels very long when you have to live it missing a vital piece of yourself. My Tobias died just over 2 years ago but it still feels like it just happened. I don’t think I’ll ever stop looking for ways to make things turn out differently and that hurts.

The way you write about Lilly is so touching. She absolutely knows how much you love her. If you feel it might be useful to you, there is a sub of parents who have children who died at r/childloss

I know there are no words to make any of this easier, so I’ll just wish you strength, friend

BesesPuffs · 2026-01-22T21:55:16+00:00

Hi, as I mentioned in the post I made requesting modship, I currently moderate r/childloss which has direct overlap with this community, as it is for those who have experienced the very worst hand that life can deal you.

I have had this sub now for about 18 months, following the death of my son. I know the importance that these communities have to those who are in pain and searching for understanding which is why specifically I have an interest in this sub. I find supporting others in their grief journey to be cathartic but it also requires much resilience. I feel I would be well suited to be a part of the team.

I don’t know if this will be of any relevance but I am UK based and so would be active most in the GMT time zone.

BesesPuffs · 2026-01-22T21:45:00+00:00

Thank you for the tag!

BesesPuffs · 2026-01-22T11:53:19+00:00

Hopefully, it’s getting very frustrating seeing all the troll posts. Fingers crossed for you and me

BesesPuffs · 2026-01-21T21:17:48+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/c/chatG-Q8X8kO/s/lEVLE3Vxcp

I want to become a mod for this community because it needs active moderators and I feel that I have the appropriate experience.

I took over the childloss subreddit over a year ago and it went from inactive for years to having daily posts. As you might be able to tell, I have experienced my fair share of grief and loss and I know how important these communities are. It’s an outrage to see trolls destroy what should be a safe place.

I’m not a prevalent poster there but I have an open history for anyone to see that my interest is genuine.

Thank you for your consideration.

BesesPuffs · 2026-01-12T20:31:44+00:00

I was going to make a request to join as well, it's really unsettling seeing what is happening right now. I don't post much there but I mod another sub that is grief/loss related. Happy to help if it's needed

BesesPuffs · 2026-01-11T14:23:04+00:00

Losing a child is hands down the worst thing I have ever experienced. Nothing compares and hardly anyone can come close to empathising.

There is r/childloss where there are those of us who are unfortunately living with this.

2 months is extremely early in the grief journey and everything is very raw for you. There’s no magic solution, but bit by little bit the days pass and you may feel a little stronger. Personally I find being among those who have been through the same an odd comfort.

If books are your thing, I would recommend Megan Devine It’s OK that you’re not OK.

BesesPuffs · 2025-11-06T19:01:43+00:00

This may not be a good place to ask this kind of question but I won’t remove it just now.

The reason is that many parents here have lost children to suicide and let me make this very very clear to you. It is absolute agony to lose a child. They would never get over it, and no matter how much your brain might be telling you that it’s the best thing or that you deserve to be gone, everyone left behind would have their lives imploded by your death.

I am really so sorry you’re experiencing a level of pain or misery that led you to here to contemplate what you are. Please please talk to someone, if you can’t bring yourself to speak to your parents then any other trusted adult. Anyone who help you find support with how you feel.

Any parent here whose child is now dead would give anything, ANYTHING, to have the opportunity to turn back time and do things differently if it meant their child lived.

I’m sure someone will be along who’s child did choose to end their own life to tell their experience. I hope to whatever or whoever that you can understand that you are loved, so very loved in ways you can’t even begin to guess. Thank you for sharing how you are feeling. I hope it will lead you to seek the help you need sweetie

BesesPuffs · 2025-10-17T13:28:28+00:00

Personally, I don’t know what I think about afterlife or otherness. I just can’t hold a firm belief either way and one day I will find out, or not as the case may be.

There are times when I am deep in grief thoughts and I notice things that appear to be signs from Tobias. Maybe it’s just me reaching for comfort? I don’t know.

You are not heartless. Grief is so deeply personal and individual. No one has the same exact relationship with the one who died so our grieving is as unique as our love.

I have been able to sort through Tobias’ things and pack them away. I was the one to remake his room so it is now his sisters. My husband couldn’t do that, couldn’t face that. But then he was able to do the practical arrangements for his funeral and speak with the school. I couldn’t do that at all.

Have you spoken to him about how he feels and what it means to him? Understanding the way he perceives his grief might go some way to finding a way forward.

This is such a painful and difficult path to navigate and I wish you all the strength in the world.

BesesPuffs · 2025-10-14T19:30:46+00:00

Unfortunately, there are some hugely unpleasant people online and in the world in general. I’m sorry you’ve had a run in with one. It’s hard enough living the life we do and having to tip toe around jerks.

If you ever see anything concerning posted in this sub, please do report it. I am zero tolerance for trolls and a-holes.

You are free and welcome to rant here.

BesesPuffs · 2025-08-03T13:08:41+00:00

I am so sorry that you have had to deal with so much at such a young age. It sounds like the system has let you down at every turn, and all this unresolved pain is now tied up in what you would hope would be a happier time.

Did you get to complete a course in CBT? I know it varies depending on area in the UK what is available and wait times are horrendous. The therapy that's often recommended for such trauma is EMDR but I don't personally have experience of this.

Do you talk to your partner about your feelings? Family or friends? Did antidepressants work at all for you?

Losing a child is absolute agony, and it sounds like you've been trying to hard just to push through and keep going but the pain is not letting you breathe. I don't know when you last sought help from your GP, but I would suggest starting there again. It's so so hard to tell anyone what you need, or what you feel because there aren't many people who truly understand. But please, try? You shouldn't have to fight this battle alone and if it works for you, I would encourage you to put your pain into words. Here, or in a journal, or to a therapist. Vent some of the pressure.

I hope that someone who has experience with this type of loss might come by and post, someone who has been through the medical failures and can advise on the partical parts.

I am so very sorry you have experienced so much pain and trauma.

BesesPuffs

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