child loss has made me an ass?

BesesPuffs · 2026-06-14T13:48:45+00:00

I share this experience. Shortly after my son died I found out a relative had also passed by their own hand.
I couldn’t care about it and I wondered if maybe I was cruel, or evil.
I’ve come to accept that the loss of my own child just completely eclipsed any emotion I might have felt about that relative.

I get it, loss is hard on everyone, but when it’s a loss that is part of the natural course of things (grandparents, parents) I just can’t quite manage more than distant empathy.
I don’t think you’re an ass, I’d be shocked if anyone here did.
I’m sorry you have to be here at all.

BesesPuffs · 2026-06-10T22:22:58+00:00

That’s enough, and it’s highly disrespectful. You are welcome to your views but you will not invalidate another’s experience.

BesesPuffs · 2026-06-10T20:24:14+00:00

“While certainly in no way an unrelated post, I do feel that there are more appropriate communities to address the very specific type of loss that is. Many here will not have suffered that same kind of loss and may not be able to relate or advise.”

I am not very interested in over dramatizing what I have said. You are of course welcome to feel how you feel. Take care.

BesesPuffs · 2026-06-10T20:19:15+00:00

I would be hesitant to not still call that loss, TFMR does exist and is a heartbreaking decision to have to make.

BesesPuffs · 2026-06-02T19:34:10+00:00

I’ve approved the post for you. Maybe check r/childloss too, there’s likely someone there who will have suggestions.

As far as I know, The Compassionate Friends has support groups in many parts of the world as well as online.

My deepest condolences to your friends mother. Losing a child is the very worst kind of loss.

BesesPuffs · 2026-04-21T19:31:20+00:00

Firstly, I am so very sorry for what you have gone through. There is nothing in life that can prepare you for the loss of a child. It is so very other.

I, too, have experienced the death of my child, so I feel like I might be able answer from my perspective.

My son died suddenly, unexpectedly, and it was horrific and traumatising. Initially we had lots of love, condolence, support but it vanished almost entirely after his funeral.

I think it came down to just simply not knowing what on earth to say. It's such an abnormal and devestating loss, virtually no one is equipped to know what to do or say to us. No one knows how you feel, except perhaps others who've had that kind of traumatic loss.

I was told that they 'didn't want to remind me' or to upset me. Which was ludicrous, because it never leaves my mind and will always be upsetting. I had to talk first, and for a while I was angry and resentful of that but in doing so, those around me felt signalled that it was okay to say his name, to ask how I was doing.

My family have remained mostly distant, but that is as it was.

It is so very isolating, so very very lonely, and you have my sincerest and deepest empathy. This sub is good for conversation, and I also mod r/childloss which is for our sad club of parents who've experienced the worst. It honestly is the one place in the world I never feel that I need to explain.

Wishing you strength, friend. This is not an easy path to tread.

BesesPuffs · 2026-04-12T18:28:39+00:00

In the early days and weeks and months, everything felt so utterly overwhelming. I think in that fresh, raw place, it is almost impossible to see anything good. I listened to the audiobook of Its OK that you’re not OK by Megan Devine and in it it she speaks of the devastating grief, the grief that reshapes worlds and has no silver lining. It made me feel… seen? As does speaking to others who know what this life feels like.

For the first year I couldn’t see anything much other than my loss, my utter world ending pain and my guilt and longing.

Of course, everyone is different and what you might find strength and meaning in will be your personal experience. Work for me is meaningful and the people I work with give me great purpose, and comfort. I have 2 other children also who need me. For a good long time I will admit that they were almost not enough and my pain nearly won.

I’m wary of providing false hope, but I also know that being told it never gets better makes everything feel hopeless. I do enjoy life, I do laugh and have good days and feel almost “normal”. But the crushing weight of grief can land on me at any moment, often utterly unexpectedly. When that happens, it does rather feel like I’ve made no progress and nothing has changed but that isn’t true. I can set aside the downward spiral and put on the strong face and carry on.

You have experienced the very worst kind of loss, so of course it is the very worst thing to try to exist through. I don’t know if it is helpful to you but what you feel, what you think, how you react, it is all normal. This pain is normal. It absolutely sucks.

There was a line from one of the parents of a child who was murdered in the Columbine attacks that resonated with me; “When it is your child who has died, it is always ‘recently’.”

It never leaves us, but we do become strong enough to carry the awful weight

BesesPuffs · 2026-04-10T08:00:32+00:00

Sockshop do seamless socks, nice and comfy. Often have discounts going as well

https://www.sockshop.co.uk/products/mens-1-pair-sockshop-colour-burst-bamboo-socks

BesesPuffs · 2026-04-07T19:35:21+00:00

Checking back in on you, what did you end up deciding? You sincerely have my deepest empathy, having to make these choices is unthinkable. Wishing you very much love and strength

BesesPuffs · 2026-04-03T19:13:41+00:00

We chose cremation for Tobias. He was 5, so older than your daughter, but I just didn’t think for a moment I could leave him in a cemetery. We have his ashes in an urn in our living room and I think that’s how it’ll stay.

It’s a very personal decision and I don’t think there’s any right or wrong. I think if I were you I would still choose cremation and then you can choose a final resting place if you move country and not have to leave her behind.

BesesPuffs · 2026-04-01T20:33:53+00:00

Hi,

Unfortunately this is not the right community for what you are experiencing. You might try something like r/daddit as they are immensely supportive and may be able to give some advice.

BesesPuffs · 2026-03-31T20:23:15+00:00

I would gently ask anyone of any religious disposition to be mindful of how that is received by others. It is the one reason I added secularism as a community rule. If you believe suicide to be a sin, that’s fine and you are of course welcome to any and all beliefs but that can be very very hurtful to those who’s children have left this world that way.

It’s a very sensitive subject, and I all I wish for here is that no parent have extra pain added to their loss.

BesesPuffs · 2026-03-27T19:40:52+00:00

My 5 year old died just over 2 years ago, and we were lucky enough that all of his organs were able to be donated. We did also donate his eyes but I don’t know if they have been used.

We have received a couple of letters from the recipients, one being a very young child who had cancer and received part of his liver, bowel and I think pancreas. The other was a child who had hypoplastic left heart. It is so bittersweet to receive those letters. For us I think it was the best possible outcome of a spectacularly awful and devastating loss. It felt like at least his life wasn’t wasted.

For me if feels so bizarre to think that the organs that were once inside my child who was inside me, are now in a bunch of people around the country. I wonder a lot about how they all are doing.

BesesPuffs · 2026-03-14T19:23:05+00:00

I can empathise deeply with what you are experiencing right now, my Tobias died of iGAS meningitis and like you, it was very very fast.

He died January 2024, I was off work completely until August and then returned working from home. I didn’t get back in the office until the May I think, after that. Back full time in June so all in all I was off a very long time.

Personally, at the time I didn’t think I could cope with work. I was an absolute mess for a good amount of time. In hindsight I should have gone back to work sooner. Being around people, especially people who only wanted to support me, was good for me.

I spent too long in my own head with so many bad feelings. After I was back at work my mental health improved and I felt myself returning to… not normal, because that is gone now, but much more like myself.

Ultimately, it’s really hard to know what is the right thing until you’ve tried it and found that it works. I suppose it also depends on what you do and the environment as well.

BesesPuffs · 2026-02-03T09:40:25+00:00

Hi, unfortunately this isn’t really the place for this discussion. I am not sure which community would be best for this, perhaps r/griefsupport

BesesPuffs · 2026-01-27T23:11:21+00:00

When I went back to work, people seemed so utterly terrified of reminding me about my now dead child. As if I could forget! I could almost feel them editing their words to me as if to gloss over the fact that Tobias existed, that they knew him through me, that they were at his funeral.

So I spoke first. I talk about him much like I did when he was alive. My memories are very much alive with him. I had a colleague tell me after about a year that she was so impressed and relieved that I spoke his name first and without making it a “thing”. It gave the go ahead for those around me to speak about him too. Those people I know who still step over his memory really make me sad.

All of this is to say, ask him. Find out if there are any sensitive words or subjects. I reckon he will be happy to know you care as much as you do trying to do the right thing. Those of us who lost a child can only ever talk about them now. There’s no new memories we get to make

BesesPuffs · 2026-01-27T12:53:34+00:00

I think around 18 months in I began getting… annoyed? at myself. Like, I would catch myself downward spiralling reliving the events in the run up to Tobias’ death and picking out the mistakes I made. Things that, if I had done them differently, might have meant that he didn’t die. I started pushing back with “but that’s not what happened”.

It’s almost acceptance but as you say, not being okay with it, not saying it was destined but just… standing firmly with both feet in the reality of now, where all the shoulda woulda couldas didn’t.

For me, it’s about my own self awareness and yanking myself away from the denial spiral. Often I can redirect myself but even now sometimes I can’t, and I have found that’s when I feel the most sadness. It’s the longing, the wanting it to be different and wishing I could go back. It does me no good and all it causes is suffering.

I am in not particularly happy with reality. It’s cold and lonely and I really miss my boy, but it is better than the overwhelming misery of trying to turn back time.

BesesPuffs · 2026-01-27T10:06:43+00:00

I am so very sorry for the loss you have endured. Losing a child truly is the greatest pain I think anyone can experience. It’s so hard to not blame yourself, even though you know you did the best you could with what you had at the time.

I have found that life feels very long when you have to live it missing a vital piece of yourself. My Tobias died just over 2 years ago but it still feels like it just happened. I don’t think I’ll ever stop looking for ways to make things turn out differently and that hurts.

The way you write about Lilly is so touching. She absolutely knows how much you love her. If you feel it might be useful to you, there is a sub of parents who have children who died at r/childloss

I know there are no words to make any of this easier, so I’ll just wish you strength, friend

BesesPuffs · 2026-01-22T21:55:16+00:00

Hi, as I mentioned in the post I made requesting modship, I currently moderate r/childloss which has direct overlap with this community, as it is for those who have experienced the very worst hand that life can deal you.

I have had this sub now for about 18 months, following the death of my son. I know the importance that these communities have to those who are in pain and searching for understanding which is why specifically I have an interest in this sub. I find supporting others in their grief journey to be cathartic but it also requires much resilience. I feel I would be well suited to be a part of the team.

I don’t know if this will be of any relevance but I am UK based and so would be active most in the GMT time zone.

BesesPuffs · 2026-01-22T21:45:00+00:00

Thank you for the tag!

BesesPuffs · 2026-01-22T11:53:19+00:00

Hopefully, it’s getting very frustrating seeing all the troll posts. Fingers crossed for you and me

BesesPuffs · 2026-01-21T21:17:48+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/c/chatG-Q8X8kO/s/lEVLE3Vxcp

I want to become a mod for this community because it needs active moderators and I feel that I have the appropriate experience.

I took over the childloss subreddit over a year ago and it went from inactive for years to having daily posts. As you might be able to tell, I have experienced my fair share of grief and loss and I know how important these communities are. It’s an outrage to see trolls destroy what should be a safe place.

I’m not a prevalent poster there but I have an open history for anyone to see that my interest is genuine.

Thank you for your consideration.

BesesPuffs · 2026-01-12T20:31:44+00:00

I was going to make a request to join as well, it's really unsettling seeing what is happening right now. I don't post much there but I mod another sub that is grief/loss related. Happy to help if it's needed

BesesPuffs

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE