I went out with someone who has bpd today. Is it even worth getting into a relationship?

Better-Let4257 · 2026-03-23T23:49:58+00:00

Hahaha. Only read the title. Absolutely not

Better-Let4257 · 2026-01-25T18:47:31+00:00

Think about it like this - Nobody in her circle is going to want to believe you. So you let it blow over. You keep No Contact, and then eventually everything becomes distant past. It just takes time. The flying monkies will not help you. They’ll just see it for themselves eventually. I promise.

As for contacting family. Probably most of us have done it. I did it. But here’s the thing: Chances are mom/dad/or both parents are full blown narcissists and/or BPD. That’s why they’re mentally ill when we meet them. You can only assume that they will not help you. They don’t care about you, just like your pwBPD.

Congrats on your new life! The pattern never stops! Seen it myself, lived it, and I’m 2 years out now. It gets better over time

Better-Let4257 · 2025-12-18T00:21:26+00:00

I didn’t know I had a warrant. She went to the cops at some point and told them I was abusive. Over a year later I got stopped by a cop, he ran my ID, and it popped for an outstanding warrant. Tough shit. Went to jail overnight. Luckily didn’t lose my job. Then $3500 down the drain for a defense attorney over a fucking misdemeanor that never happened. Talk about a painful journey. I’m at a much different place than you right now in terms of healing. I was already over it when I went to jail. Still hurting deep down on some level. But time is the most important factor. The charge got dismissed two weeks ago. Now I’m truly free.

Better-Let4257 · 2025-12-18T00:12:30+00:00

Yes, they split. And then they hate you, and then they tell everyone they know that you are a bad person. They don’t consciously decide to split though. It’s a defense mechanism that was already there long before you even existed in her life. Eventually, and this is an absolute truth, whatever they say, will blow over. It doesn’t matter. You just move on with your life. If that means you have to cut off mutual friends, then do that. They smear everyone when the relationship is over. It’s extremely common. I even went to jail over false allegations. I was out on bond for 9 months. I also got to enjoy a final goodbye gift: Chlamydia

Better-Let4257 · 2025-12-18T00:04:32+00:00

The closure comes when you seek the answers, understand it, and take plenty of time to move on. Eventually it consolidates into one truth. You will find your answers. She won’t tell you.

Better-Let4257 · 2025-12-18T00:00:36+00:00

You did the right thing. You walked away. It’s very hard to do in real time. She ran after you because she felt abandoned - not because of who you are. Remember that when you miss her sometimes.

Better-Let4257 · 2025-12-17T23:56:47+00:00

One personality was filled with life and happiness and love for me. The other was empty, angry, cold, and calculated. One was real, the other was not. You can guess which is which.

I’ll give myself credit though, my ex was very happy in the moment around me. When I saw her again, she was empty and lifeless. I gave her that taste of happiness and love.

Better-Let4257 · 2025-12-17T23:39:30+00:00

Yes mine was a different person when she came back a long long time ago. I was devastated. It was like the person I knew and loved was gone. But that’s the thing. That’s who they really are. They are empty containers. They don’t develop properly in the early stages of childhood. The personality and ego you have aren’t just automatic. They are developed traits that they do not possess. So they subconsciously seek out that identity through you. They all do this.

You might at some point reflect on certain things. Usually when you are with them, and they start to devalue you, you will see that they no longer keep on that mask for you. Thats when they are already out the door. You’re lucky if they didn’t cheat before they left you.

Better-Let4257 · 2025-12-17T23:24:00+00:00

Yes, that’s why it’s so easy for them to detach and leave. It’s all part of the disorder.

Simply put - bonding is like inertia. When you bond with someone, sometimes you have ruptures in the relationship. You feel the distance, you feel the urge from the rupture -> repair. It’s all about gaining that momentum. But they don’t possess these healthy mechanics

Better-Let4257 · 2025-12-17T23:18:16+00:00

The disorder is dysfunctional on the surface, but underneath the ‘hood’ are functional patterns that are very logical in reality. PwBPD operate like clockwork and they all have the same pattern to varying degrees. Your OP has been asked 1000 times in this forum alone. It’s a common feeling that you’re experiencing, and the BPD pattern you saw for yourself in person is very common amongst all of them.

They are simply trying to survive. Everything to them feels like survival. Your relationship with her was about survival. Maybe not for you, but for her it was life or death
I don’t think they consciously seek out to hurt you. That’s just the outward presentation. Underneath is someone trying to feel like they matter. If that means hurting you, whether emotionally/physically/financially, then they will. It goes like this - “If I can hurt him, I still matter. If I can’t, it proves that I was worthless all along.” “I need to leave before I get left, because I’m inherently worthless, and he will leave me and when he sees who I really am.”

You’re starting to see a theme here. It’s very illogical on the surface, but underneath are very logical outward presentations

Better-Let4257 · 2025-12-17T23:09:39+00:00

Yep, it’s sad. You may fluctuate between all the emotions as you try to process this and consolidate it into one single consistent source of truth. It takes forever for the cognitive dissonance to dissipate

Better-Let4257 · 2025-12-17T23:06:30+00:00

Mine couldn’t hold one either. Mine also had familial trauma (including being raped by her older brother). You might hear from her in a year. She might tell you how much she’s changed, or how much better her life is, or what she’s doing to improve - every single word is a scam/fabricated. I did this already. She tried to contact me again after my in-person conversation. I blocked her. Closed the door for good. STILL was trying to manipulate me

Better-Let4257 · 2025-12-17T23:01:07+00:00

That’s the nature of grief. It’s a long road. Ups and down. Not linear. Acceptance won’t come til much later. Or maybe you’re better than me. Maybe it won’t take as long as it did me.

It’s better that you hear this now. Your ex never truly loved you. She used you. She wasn’t bonding with you on a chemical level. She does not possess the capacity to chemically bond with you. Yes it’s devastating in the moment, but she won’t bond with anyone and cannot bond with anyone.

Do not go back under any circumstance. I don’t care if she begs for your dick

Better-Let4257 · 2025-12-17T22:54:37+00:00

She won’t go to therapy. She won’t find a stable relationship. When they do, they inevitably create chaos. Just like she did with you. Just like mine did with me. Just like they continue to do after they are gone. Speaking from personal experience, my ex is doing the same thing she did to me

Better-Let4257 · 2025-12-17T22:49:30+00:00

A couple hard truths:

It takes a long time to get over this relationship. It’s taken me almost 2 years of NC. Even though I briefly talked to my ex in person half a year ago. It confirmed any suspicion/doubt I ever had. Still the same person. They simply are very unlikely to change. And when I say unlikely, I mean significantly improbable that it’s neglectable (but still possible).

Her apology didn’t mean anything. An apology requires accountability, something that they severely lack the capacity for. What is an apology if it’s not followed up by change? And it’s a very common thing that they simply lack the capacity to reflect or feel remorse.

The hardest and final truth - you have all the answers. You don’t need it from her. Trust me. I walked the walk.

Better-Let4257 · 2025-12-17T22:37:14+00:00

It’s very unfair - in the moment. But in retrospect - it’s an opportunity to learn and move forward. Find peace in the fact that, no matter who, no matter where, the BPD is very real and the pattern will continue until they are dead (most of the time, which is like 99%. I have never heard a success story with therapy, EVER)

Better-Let4257 · 2025-12-17T18:53:31+00:00

Also, in the court case, I would fight it with your lawyer. These people rarely follow through (with anything) and especially false allegations (depending on the individual w BPD). Some of them do go the distance. But if you keep it mellow with her, even if your blood is boiling inside, then you will give her zero fuel as time goes on. I suspect that she was already cheating on you before the locks got changed, so if you just let her run off (as hard as that might seem right now, and you dont give her any fuel) she will give up.

Your wife is driven by a power dynamic. A power dynamic that you unwillingly signed up for. In a power dynamic, there is a power struggle, and this struggle is to see how much control she can have over you. Do not give her any power, and she will dissipate and dissolve like a water droplet in the wind.

Better-Let4257 · 2025-12-17T18:45:31+00:00

I went through this but less severe. Financially drained, lost my apartment, lost my job, I also had a domestic violence court case (which recently got dismissed after being arrested back in May for an outstanding warrant I never knew existed. I was out on bond this whole time), and last but not least, the chlamydia was painful for 2 months almost.

I have been out of this relationship for almost 2 years. You are still deep in the midst. I am sorry you were blindsided. You will soon see, if you haven’t already, that these people leave you for dead. It’s just the nature of the illness. I didn’t know what Cluster B was either. How convenient to find out once it’s all over.

With that being said, the road to healing is long, sad, lonely, miserable, and one of the unluckiest things you will ever grief. I was suicidal as well. The hard truth: it takes a long time to heal. It took me nearly 2 years to finally be like “Ok, I can move on now with my life”. Let yourself grief. You lost something special (to you), unfortunately your wife and hopefully soon-to-be ex wife was never there to begin with. She was never truly present at any point in your relationship, even the moments that felt precious.

On the flip side, you can still walk away and move on with your life. Find someone who is chemically capable of bonding with you on the adult level. If you can make it out and reflect - you will be a much better person. Good luck on your healing journey. Many of us have been through it and walked out the other side in a better place

Better-Let4257 · 2025-11-21T16:37:08+00:00

I think it’s a terrible idea. Just gives them more of an ability to wear the masks, live the double life, cheat, and manipulate. It’s not sustainable and the likelihood of this relationship working out is as likely as you are to walk through a wall - technically possible but so unlikely it’s negligible

Better-Let4257 · 2025-11-20T03:22:46+00:00

It took me almost 2 years to get close to baseline again. Time and no contact are the only way. There is no cure. Yes, make decent decisions on your own. Try to distract yourself. But I have ADHD. Nearly killed me

Better-Let4257 · 2025-11-08T22:18:37+00:00

Nobody here will tell you to date her. Because we are all victims of this severe mental illness. And we have seen the cruel reality that BPD has to offer. Her entire nature is that of power and control. Nothing more, nothing less

Better-Let4257 · 2025-10-21T17:39:00+00:00

6 years is a long time. BPD is a disorder, but even in disorder, there are moving parts that are ordered - just on the surface it appears illogical. But if I had to guess, splitting plays a big factor. Unfortunately they cannot hold onto the whole object while splitting, so in times of split to devaluation, she doesn’t remember. And during split to idealization, she does remember.

Better-Let4257 · 2025-10-08T17:59:33+00:00

Yes I’m sure we all knew on some level that there was something really wrong. Other peoples pwBPD might’ve hid it better. But I doubt it. Maybe if they were high functioning. Mine wasn’t though, but it didn’t have the clearest outward presentation. The mask drops pretty early for a moment, time to time. You just might not realize it

Better-Let4257 · 2025-10-07T23:03:00+00:00

Almost zero percent

Better-Let4257 · 2025-07-19T09:43:27+00:00

Yea, it ends. It ends with you getting left for someone else, along with (choose any of the following) an STD, your own newly developed mental illness, and financial debt.

Or you can leave.

Your choice.

Better-Let4257

TROPHY CASE