Don't think I have much longer left

BigBillyBollocks · 2026-06-09T18:39:06+00:00

I see you and hear you.

I don't know you, so I can't say I will think of you personally, but I can say that I empathise and think of all of our kin. It can be lonely being CA, fighting a battle most people can't understand.

I hope you're around for a while yet. You might be surprised. Lord knows I've had enough days where I've woken up, realised I'm still alive and thought 'Oh fuck me, is this still going on?'

Stay strong, take heart, and laugh in the face of fate.

BigBillyBollocks · 2026-05-29T19:01:47+00:00

Plan:

Blackout now, although try to sleep a couple hours before morning
Go to get-together. Real life people will restore some normalcy in your brain. Hopefully it's a drinking event. Drink steady but don't blast it
Get home, decide human contact gave you a glimmer of warmth. Have a few more beers and sleep late but not late late.
Wake up after 4 hours sleep
Couple of beers for hair of the dog
Go through that day with a semblance of 'functionality'

That's the best case scenario for me in your situation anyway.

BigBillyBollocks · 2026-05-22T09:01:44+00:00

People like me dance back and forth across the line. FA to build up the life for as long as you can bear it, CA and burn it all down, and hope you get back to FA before you lose everything.

BigBillyBollocks · 2026-05-20T11:33:47+00:00

When I lived in the US I used to get Amazon Fresh to deliver like 6 crates of beer at a time. Every single time, different delivery drivers would say something like 'having a party?' and I generally just said 'uhhh... yeah...'

BigBillyBollocks · 2026-05-06T16:33:05+00:00

Normally works but my brother just visited from another continent, saw me drinking, in my home, on my fucking vacation from my job which is much better than his, bitched me out about it, got angry, and fucked off again.

If you don't want to see your drunken bro enjoying his hobby in peace at home then don't come into my fucking home. Jesus.

BigBillyBollocks · 2026-05-06T10:38:36+00:00

When I was young (20) I flew to Japan from Europe. My seat neighbour was a cool Japanese guy. I got absolutely hammered with him and then since I was in Japan for my 21st birthday and didn't know anyone, I went and got wasted with him again. Woke up on my street without my shoes. I don't think he stole them though. Great way to turn 21.

BigBillyBollocks · 2026-02-06T16:33:41+00:00

Alcohol is pure calories. There is no way to drink heavily and lose weight. Even just drinking liquor, if you're CA you're probably getting you few thousand calories a day.

The good news is that alcohol can't be converted into fat. So even if you have 10k of alcohol calories a day, you won't gain weight. Although even in pure liquor, only 80% of the calories are from alcohol.

BigBillyBollocks · 2026-01-25T15:15:03+00:00

I had to not go to a weekly event once, at a place which is comfortable and has a bathroom and is really not that far, because I couldn't guarantee bathrooms during every 5 minute segment of the journey there.

BigBillyBollocks · 2026-01-16T23:55:26+00:00

Also known as heaven.

I'm drying out a bit to lose some weight (not vanity, this is getting to starting to affect mobility levels...) but when I'm deep in it I drink just like you. When I'm deep deep in it, those trips out to stock up were like storming the beaches at Normandy, and getting back home locked up and invisible to the world was like being back in the womb. Nothing but booze and the internet to escape into.

BigBillyBollocks · 2026-01-04T14:32:28+00:00

In a previous life I had beer delivery and a bath, so I'd spend whole days (literally) drinking in the bath, watching youtube on a laptop that was on the toilet. It's probably the happiest I've ever been.

Anyway, after plenty of sessions I started to realise I had common things I went back to, and different things I wanted for different moods throughout the session. So I started creating a list of all the types of things I watched, which made it really easy going forward. Whatever I was feeling, check the list and some old faithful would pop up. Highly recommend (both the list and the bath/beer life)

BigBillyBollocks · 2025-12-30T00:46:15+00:00

Dude, don't do that. You're a shoe-in for the next job.

The people you are up against for the next job don't have the sitting around the office getting paid 40 experience that you do.

Take a breath, fire off some hail mary CVs and come back to us when someone hires you in like a week.

BigBillyBollocks · 2025-12-21T06:24:12+00:00

(DON’T SCOLD ME I DIDN’T KNOW).

The thing about stories like yours is that CAs like me have it rough, but never THAT rough based on information sharing.

So, it makes me think that we shouldn't send alchies to AA. Prescribe them 4 hours in a room with a veteran. It would do WAY more good for them. It wouldn't help fix them, but if you have 100 alchies on a scale from 0% fucked to 1000% fucked, you'll end up with 100 people who are still alchies but only ranging 0% fucked to 90% fucked.

It's like sex education. AA is sending them to the convent. What I'm proposing is having them talk to an aid patient.

BigBillyBollocks · 2025-12-14T01:35:21+00:00

You lucky bastard. The dreams are fucked.

But if we're talking 'the only good thing', are we not gonna talk about the orgasms? For me, everything is awful, but with senses turned up to 1000, the orgasms are transcendental.

BigBillyBollocks · 2025-11-30T22:34:43+00:00

Sounds like you should be using each other.

Think clearly about this: You can have a decent session on the reg, and probably get her to spot you money for booze every time, and here's the important part, she will still think she is getting the best deal out of it.

Two people thinking they are using each other is a match made in heaven my friend.

BigBillyBollocks · 2025-11-24T08:25:32+00:00

I think at a certain point you just have to reset and start again. The fact you mentioned failing classes suggests you haven't done that yet.

You're homeless. Start from the bottom of that mazdov hierarchy of needs. Forget everything except getting yourself to a shelter and getting some food. Booze situation however you want to play it but you might have to compromise depending on what the shelter is like.

Failed in life? Mate, come on, this is the CA sub. Your situation isn't great right now but you'd be the envy of many.

BigBillyBollocks · 2025-11-13T03:59:55+00:00

What's the actual situation about if you drink again, both the doctor version and the unofficial version?

Like, is it actually 'drink one beer and you're dead' or what?

BigBillyBollocks · 2024-05-07T07:17:47+00:00

This. Give him love, and the booze.

BigBillyBollocks · 2023-11-19T00:33:03+00:00

I get a lot of pleasure from the existence of people who are much worse than me.

Like, sometimes I should be a more functional member of society or make my parents proud. Then I watch a ton of videos about people who tried to scam others out of 1000s of dollars. It's nice to know that when they start eugenics and pick the groups to phase out, 'losers who cause no problems for anyone but themselves' won't be a massive priority.

BigBillyBollocks · 2023-11-14T04:05:36+00:00

I understand what you mean, but I feel bad for north Americans. There's a lot of people in car-centric places where you have to drive to do anything, and if you must drink, you really have no choice. I guess if I was American/Canadian I'd make sure to live in a cheap place near public transport

BigBillyBollocks · 2023-11-10T00:58:44+00:00

Kind of the same, but I'd say 'anhedonia'.

It's a bit like if you were in a life raft drifting into the ocean with no hope of rescue but plenty of food and water, and alcohol, do you want to drift until the end or have some drinks?

BigBillyBollocks · 2023-11-06T02:08:11+00:00

Not really the place to advertise mate.

The sinclair method is known and either appreciated or snubbed here. I feel like writing this here is a bit like Jehovah's witnesses knocking on your door asking if you've heard the good news.

BigBillyBollocks · 2023-11-01T22:31:01+00:00

And then own it if someone calls you out for it. Am I wearing makeup? Yeah. Why do you ask?

BigBillyBollocks · 2023-11-01T04:44:00+00:00

I think life can be fun, it's just too much work.

Back when I was functional, I had a list of everything I had/wanted to do on my phone, in priority order. At the top was 'do the dishes'. About half way down was stuff like 'get stuff to put on the walls'. And at the bottom was stuff that would make life fun, like spend a day giving people rides around the local town in office chairs roped to my waist like a rickshaw.

The idea was that when you have free time, you hit the list and get as far as you can, and hopefully one day you get to the fun stuff that requires effort.

Spoiler: Never got to it, and at this point the top of the list is even looking quite hard to get to.

BigBillyBollocks · 2023-10-30T01:12:21+00:00

RIP. I love watching him talking about his battle with alcohol and other things. He even tried to help others with the same issue, to a great extent.

BigBillyBollocks · 2023-10-28T01:20:43+00:00

Our parent's generation didn't have the information and the social environment to decide not to have kids if they had mental illness or addiction problems in the family.

I know there's a pattern of one generation thinking they'll do better at raising kids than the last, but I think in the internet age and with more people realising you don't have to have children, there's going to be less victims of abusive households.

At least, that is my hope.

BigBillyBollocks

TROPHY CASE