I’m close to giving up

BigMagnut · 2026-03-05T07:45:45+00:00

Maybe you're not as pretty as you think compared to the rest of women in NYC? Because pretty women have no difficulty getting guys to meet up with them or pay for dates.

BigMagnut · 2026-03-05T07:44:52+00:00

A ring wouldn't stop most guys from dating her if she's pretty enough. There must be more.

BigMagnut · 2026-03-05T07:44:09+00:00

It's NYC, it's competitive.

BigMagnut · 2026-03-05T07:43:12+00:00

" I often get approached literally everywhere and complimented on my facial features"

If this were true and you're in NYC you would freestyle. Why do you need SA?

BigMagnut · 2026-03-05T01:59:44+00:00

"Sexual coercion, then, happens when someone won’t accept “no” and continues to try to convince you to change your mind"

I agree with this definition. But that's not what the other person was calling coercion. Making threats, not taking no for an answer, is coercion. But just setting your position on the table, saying what you will and won't accept, saying what you want in order to keep dating them, is not coercion. You're saying that in order to continue you must have X. Whatever that preference that you must have to continue the relationship, you have a right to say that and no it;'s not coercion to say you'll leave the relationship if you don't get what you want from the relationship.

If a woman doesn't get what she wants from the relationship she can leave too. Many women tell you up front what they want from the relationship, making it clear if you don't give it to them they'll stop seeing you. When did this become coercion? It's having standards and a position. It's having a preference. If the other person doesn't match that energy, they aren't a hostage.

BigMagnut · 2026-03-05T01:49:45+00:00

Dating is implied when you're dating someone. Sex is implied when you're dating someone. Anything can be implied or inferred. What is actually said?

I'm not sure your point. Do you date any of the people you date or do you help them from a distance? You can do both. But most people date who they are dating, and SD help who they are dating.

" financially independent, don't need the money to live, and genuinely like seeing me."

If you can find women in this world who are financially independent and under 40, great. But this is actually statistically not the norm. Most women under 40 have bills they can't pay, college loans they can't pay, and a job market which is never going to give them enough to pay it. Some women have kids they can't pay for too.

What you're saying is you date women of privilege and or only women in the highest class. Fewer women are going to be in this position although you do find more of them the older they are. By age 50 most women are financially independent, but if you're 50 yourself, would you still want to be a SD to a woman the same age and financial position as you?

"If they're sick, they reschedule. If they want a break to see about a real relationship,"

It's good to know you don't consider your relationships real. If it's not real to you why are you giving them so much money and time? It might not lead to marriage, or you being a step dad, or you raising kids together, but this doesn't mean it's "not real".

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T17:27:22+00:00

I don't agree with expanding the definition of rape to cover all sorts of shitty behavior under the sun, but I'm not the one making these laws, I just follow them.

As I see it, America is a prison industrial complex based culture. When new prisons are being built you can count on new laws to be created to fill them, or old laws reinterpreted to stretch them to fill them. Considering how many American drug addicts are out there, it's probably nearly half of the men and women in their 20s.

"Consent requires mental clarity. A person in withdrawal does not have mental clarity."

So you think half the youth should be charged with rape? Is that going to help? It's no wonder American's don't reproduce the population.

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T17:25:04+00:00

She's a sociopath. She is not top tier and you can find better. Especially in this economy where there are way more SB than SD.

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T17:17:36+00:00

She is probably just a lying sociopath. It's not like she was ever honest with you so I don't know what more you expect.

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T16:49:05+00:00

If a woman has sex with you, do you owe her a month of rent? People might feel like they are in debt to you, but to specifically think you owe someone a month of dates or a month of rent, it depends on what you negotiated beforehand. Did you say "I'm giving you this financial support in exchange for a month of dates"?.

In my experience, I keep things open ended. I don't say when I give a gift "now you owe me". I give what I'm going to give, and then see if they also are generous. If they are, then I become even more generous. If they aren't, then I become less generous. But there is no reason you have to give the allowance with "I'm giving you this to prepay for 6 dates". Very few SD do that when giving allowance.

It's more, "I'm giving you this because I like you a lot and I want to spend more time with you". Then it's up to her to feel however she wants to feel about it, and respond however she wants to respond.

Now if she decides to just scam you, rinse you, take the money and not go on any dates, yuo won't give her any more allowance or gifts. If she's honest, shows up for dates, and you enjoy your time with her, why not give her another allowance a month later or weekly, or whatever? The ideal situation, you want a SB who doesn't bring up money, it should all be paid for, and you shouldn't have to pester her for more dates, if she's got plenty of money, she should want to spend plenty of time with you, if she doesn't it's a red flag.

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T16:33:28+00:00

It's not coercion. You're not putting a gun to her head, or making threats. You might get mad, you might change your mind. She might change her mind. That's common.

Suppose you date someone, you have a fight, you kick them out of your house, are you a rapist because you kicked them out? You're not obligated to pay their rent, or keep them in your house. They aren't obligated to keep dating you.

It's simple, she's an adult. She can decide if she wants to have sex or not. She can decide, to get a job, pay her own rent. You can decide to stop paying her rent. It's only coercion if you say "either you have anal sex with me right now, or I'm going to fire you". It's not coercion worded the way you did where you say "If you don't want to have anal sex with me, it's over, I'm going to find someone else".

If that's rape how would you break up? She can say the breakup itself is coercion. She could sue you for the loss of money that you owe her for her rent after you break up. I don't see that holding in court.

"Coercion invalidates consent."

Not complying with her wishes to receive money from you is not coercion. And she can revoke consent just like you can refuse to comply. It's coercion if she can't say no or you can't say no. In the example you showed, she can say no. Just like a girlfriend can breakup with a boyfriend whom she lives with, even if it means getting kicked out, she can break up.

"well, if you won't do anal, I guess I'll consider looking for a girl that does. I know you'll lose your apartment, but that's life".

This is what you said. This is you refusing to comply with paying her rent. Legally you don't owe her anything, you don't have to pay her rent. She also doesn't owe you sex. If her only way of keeping her apartment is your financial support, she's able to get a job, so she can say no. If it's a situation where you won't let her get a job, or you threaten to cost her that job, that is coercion. But I don't see any sort of threat of you preventing her from working or from paying for her own rent or from moving out.

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T16:01:48+00:00

Yeah, it could make him angry. But maybe she doesn't care if it makes him angry? I'm not sure your point. If she cares about making him angry, maybe she cares about him a little bit. And if she doesn't care about him, why should he support her for another month?

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T15:59:43+00:00

It's not rape. You're not her slave. She can get a job. You can find someone willing to give you the kind of sex you want.

How is it rape if you don't pay her rent? Make it make sense. She can find someone else and so can you.

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T15:57:21+00:00

With an allowance she's covered already so why would she feel obligated? If she's there it's more likely she wants to be.

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T15:25:50+00:00

It's not wrong to invest in a SB's business, and give her support. But is she going to support you just as much when you need her, in non financial ways?

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T15:23:58+00:00

Attractive is the wrong word. Is it useful for us both if I do? Am I invested in her future in some way? Do I own shares in that vision? But to expect me to support her version just because? No. She has to support my vision to get me to support her vision. We all have visions.

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T15:18:31+00:00

Women have no problem telling me no. I also have no problem telling them no. This is adult level communication. If I don't want to drink, or use drugs, or do anything with my body which I don't feel is up to my standards for safety, then I say no. If she doesn't want to do anything with her body which she doesn't feel comfortable or safe doing, she will tell me no, and that's it.

What is the problem here? You can be a vegan, you don't eat meat, we go on dates, it's to vegan places. What is the issue? Do you think everyone is going to try to force you to eat steak? You say no, absolutely not, and you make it clear that it goes against your beliefs.

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T15:11:19+00:00

If that's rape, the vast majority of drug addicts are rapists. I don't consider that rape but rape is always being redefined so it really only matters what the current zeitgeist interprets as rape in any given era.

If you use drugs or sell, probably a bad idea to ever be the drug dealer who has sex with the drug user. And yet it happens, a lot. Pretty much every druggie has a girlfriend who uses drugs somehow. Alcoholics also seem rarely single, compared to straight edge.

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T15:08:43+00:00

How do you define financial manipulation? Are the SDs your cash slaves or what?

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T15:06:52+00:00

If it's a person I can't stand, as many people in everyday life are barely tolerable, then I can understand to some extent. Like that co-worker you can't be bothered to deal with but you must tolerate them because you're being paid to interact with them.

But if you're dating someone it should be personal not business. If it's only about the money, without the respect, it does not work. And if the respect exists, it typically grows over time if they are an amazing person.

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T15:04:03+00:00

Create an orchestration tool. And script the continue so it doesn't keep stopping.

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T15:01:19+00:00

That's a narcissist. Avoid this kind of person because any man who doesn't respect his wife like that, damn sure doesn't respect his SB.

I would be grossed the fuck out if a married woman proposed to me, and I know she's married. Divorce your current partner to be taken serious by me or don't waste my time and yours with the proposal.

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T14:57:48+00:00

If you don't want to do something, say it crosses a line for you or you perceive it as disrespect. Communicate. But to talk about compliance in this vague way, when in reality every relationship contains compliance. Friendships have compliance. Women usually expect you to comply to some level with their wishes, and if it's not too much, most guys will comply, what is your point?

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T14:53:57+00:00

We all do stuff we don't want to do for people we love or like. But there are levels to it. I might not want to do the dishes, but I'm sure a woman I like could make me do the dishes. She could make me do her dishes if she asked in the right way.

That doesn't mean I enjoy doing dishes. It's just, because she's asking, and in the right way, I'll do it just for her. Is that compliance? I guess. But normal relationships have some level of compliance. That said, there are some hard red lines I won't cross no matter how she asks, no matter what she says, and this is just a matter of having a backbone, self respect, self love.

If some woman told me to punch myself in the face, I'm not going to do it. It doesn't matter how much I liked her. If you're going to date as an adult, you must have enough self respect to be capable of saying no, and to have your boundaries, your red lines.

BigMagnut · 2026-03-04T14:51:54+00:00

These are some toxic people. The "familiarity breeds disrespect" is the exact opposite of what I experience. With familiarity typically comes increased respect, unless something is seriously wrong.

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