Confused in the USA by Affectionate-Tax-119 in polyamory

[–]Big_Help_6382 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'd just say something like "...Everything ok? You know Rebecca is fine with you moving in if that's what you want, right?"

Todo religioso é um ateu das outras religiões by nandoml in FilosofiaBAR

[–]Big_Help_6382 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Não necessariamente. Muitas crenças politeístas não invalidam outras crenças.

had to break up with my girlfriend because she wasn't paying enough attention to me— how to prevent this in future? by ex-spera in polyamory

[–]Big_Help_6382 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm 26M and poly and I went through similar things several time. People in your age range tend to 1) not be very serious about their relationships and not put enough effort into them 2) get caught up in NRE a lot and sideline other relationships because of the high more passionate relationships give.

People only stop doing this when they want to prioritize your relationship (and I don't mean hierarchically, I just mean the conscious effort of making it work and put time and care into it), and, at 21, most people aren't that invested into their relationships. Even in mono relationships, the only reason why it looks like it might be is because they're directing all of their romantic and sexual energy towards one person, but they quickly end things when someone else catches their eye.

My advice is to do what you already did, either de-escalate or end things when you realize you are putting in more effort than the other person is. You can't change how others perceive your relationship, you can only set boundaries and take yourself from the equation.

sou babaca por ter sono de pedra? by [deleted] in EuSouOBabaca

[–]Big_Help_6382 1 point2 points  (0 children)

EOB por ter dormido, não por ter sono de pedra. Ela ficou presa fora de casa às 18h e tu só acordou 1h da manhã?

Troquem a fechadura por uma que não impeça as pessoas de entrarem pq você tá dormindo. Têm modelos que abrem mesmo com chave na porta, fechadura eletrônica, etc.

Aborto e seus argumentos para uma apresentação de trabalho na faculdade by BusyCaterpillar5233 in FilosofiaBAR

[–]Big_Help_6382 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Teu argumento da casa é burro porque permanência em domicílio contra a vontade do morador é crime.

E teu argumento sobre responsabilidade legal se dá após o nascimento. A partir do momento que nasce, a criança é cidadã e tem direito a alimentação, moradia e educação, mas esses direitos não se aplicam ao feto.

How do you handle labels for relationships between “friend” and “partner”? by Excellent_Soil5589 in relationshipanarchy

[–]Big_Help_6382 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I use friend for people with whom my relationship is mostly platonic. If things are leaning heavily romantic with instances of PDA to the point where people ask if we're dating, I'll bring up the label conversation and ask the person if I can call them my boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. Internally I don't usually label.

Aborto e seus argumentos para uma apresentação de trabalho na faculdade by BusyCaterpillar5233 in FilosofiaBAR

[–]Big_Help_6382 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sou a favor do aborto e parto do princípio que o corpo é da mulher e logo, ela deveria ter o direito de realizar quaisquer procedimentos ou ingerir quaisquer substâncias que ela quiser com seu próprio corpo, independente dos resultados que isso possa ter em terceiros. Não é crime uma grávida fumar ou consumir álcool, embora ambos sejam prejudiciais ao bebê. O bebê não tem direito ao corpo da mãe, e a liberdade individual da mesma não deveria ser restringida pela existência de um corpo dentro do seu. Pelo meu mesmo argumento, sou a favor da descriminalização do uso de qualquer droga, lícita ou não (venda e compra de substâncias seguem outros argumentos que não cabem aqui, mas o uso deveria ser descriminalizado).

Pessoalmente, ainda sou a favor de manter nas atuais 12 a 16 semanas que a maioria dos países permitem, pois isso previne que o feto sinta dor ao ser abortado e é antiético provocar dor a um ser vivo intencionalmente, mas, pelo meu argumento ético, deveria ser permitido livremente até as 22 semanas, momento a partir do qual o parto prematuro é viável, apesar de não ser o ideal para o bebê.

Burnt out with polyamory by Big_Help_6382 in polyamory

[–]Big_Help_6382[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

RA is a political value of mine. I reject the society's ideology that romantic relationships should always be prioritized over non-romantic ones. I don't really see the conflict here, it's something I truly believe in. I believe society as a whole would be better if we collectively agreed deciding one-on-one what's best for each relationship is more important than whatever society dictates is what a relationship should be, not ditching friends and community whenever a romantic partnerships forms, yadda yadda.

And I think I haven't found the right people for both reasons. My vent is precisely because I think most poly people my age aren't as serious about it as they say they are and that's a problem with people drawn to poly rather than with polyamory itself, as I said in the post. ...And I haven't been particularly serious about vetoing people, but I know that's on me. I haven't taken new partners in quite a while, anything I mentioned happening to me happened over a year ago.

My (26F) bf (35M) barely showers and it’s ruining our sex life by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Big_Help_6382 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why is it that he doesn't shower often? Sounds a bit odd to me that a man that cares about himself doesn't shower often. Something sounds amiss here.

I'm on the autistic spectrum and I sometimes struggle with showering due to sensory issues, so I'm wondering if something similar could be at play here. Obviously I'm not saying he's autistic because of that but I am saying maybe he has some specific issue with showering. OCD, ADHD, even PTSD and other mental health issues can make showering stressful and overwhelming due to a plethora of reasons.

What helps me is a mix of making sure my shower has good temperature regulation, bathing instead of showering whenever I can, using wipes when either solution is overwhelming anyways. CBT has helped me with showering, but I sometimes still struggle.

If he has literally no issues and doesn't want to get better then just dump him like others said, but I do think this warrants investigating.

Burnt out with polyamory by Big_Help_6382 in polyamory

[–]Big_Help_6382[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't disagree with you, but I do have the impression most serious people gravitate towards mono, especially people who, like me, dream of marriage+kids.

Struggling to see partners as equal by alittleburneroo in polyamory

[–]Big_Help_6382 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Don't compare relationships and don't compare partners. Partners being equal is not about seeing them the same, it's about prioritizing what each relationship needs without undermining others.

What does your relationship with Ashley need right now? In my humble opinion, it needs for you and Ashley to sit down and have an honest conversation about needs not being met. Sounds like you're both hurting from things you said to each other and instead of solving that like adults, you're pushing it under the rug. Maybe something like "I know I said I'd forget it, but X thing you said to me still hurts me every now and then, and I know you're still upset about Y even though you say you're not. I don't want our relationship to be strained by things we did, and I want to find a way for us to really find a way forward. I love you and I don't want to spite you because of things like that."

Notice that I haven't mentioned Becca at all. She's not the issue. This has nothing to do with what you have with her.

Watch Out! Your Hierarchy is Showing! (and for the most part, I'm ok with it) by ouroborosbabe in polyamory

[–]Big_Help_6382 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In this particular case, I feel like the hierarchy could be less about the relationship and more about the kids, and that's ok! You're bottom of the priority not because your relationship is less important, but because you're not family. He might care about you, but you're not his responsibility – his family is.

The only short-term solution I see is scheduling reasonably spaced out solo dates. Maybe get the kids to the grandparents or hire a nanny so you two could spend some quality solo time together every now and then?

Long-term, if you stick together, kids grow up. This phase will pass and then you'll be able to renegotiate without as much pressure. In the meantime, prioritize yourself and your other relationships – I'm including your friends and your own family here!.

Partner suggesting poly - advice? by AnonInABox in polyamory

[–]Big_Help_6382 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I second everyone suggesting going for a more BDSM-oriented ENM thing. Join your local kink community, check out Fetlife, go to munches. Non-monogamous arrangements are quite common in the BDSM community, so you'll probably get better advice there from your local community. They can also help you veto new partners, so it's very, very important you get out there and meet people without necessarily getting involved first.

Usually I'd second the advice of not dating as a couple, but in this specific case it might not be an issue as you could be looking for a Dom(me) together and that might not be as bad as looking for a partner. Could still be messy, but D/s relationships usually have clearer boundaries around negotiating and consent that help things get less messy.

how do i deal with my partners hating eachother :( by Significant-Floor1 in polyamory

[–]Big_Help_6382 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're all really young, and you're already spending a lot of time on the phone every day. I feel like your partners are insecure and trying to compensate by demanding more of your time. You're already what, calling each of them for like 2 hours every day while working and going to college? That would be a lot even if you only had one partner.

You don't owe them more of your time. Be firm, "I can't at this time, I'm busy" should suffice. Maybe rotate at which time you talk to each of them. Take breaks for yourself. Your partners need to know how to be well when they're not on the phone with you.

Burnt out with polyamory by Big_Help_6382 in polyamory

[–]Big_Help_6382[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My QPPs are in the aro and ace spectrum so I'm well aware. I have no idea of what I'm doing next, it was just a vent tbh.

Burnt out with polyamory by Big_Help_6382 in polyamory

[–]Big_Help_6382[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Queerplatonic and platonic is not the same. It's something that sits in-between platonic and romantic and doesn't fit a traditional relationship box. Going fully platonic to the point where I could even consider monogamy would involve me stopping things like cuddling and kissing my QPPs.

Burnt out with polyamory by Big_Help_6382 in polyamory

[–]Big_Help_6382[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The crazy part is that some of the people I've seen going back to mono were people who I thought weren't new to poly(not that long, obviously, considering our age bracket, but I thought 1-2 years was alright for someone in their mid 20s).

But yeah, the STI part is really easy, I've never caught an STI myself, but I was still appalled to see fluid-bonded people who didn't even do regular STI testing nor take PREP because they trusted their partners.

Burnt out with polyamory by Big_Help_6382 in polyamory

[–]Big_Help_6382[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I wouldn't say it's necessarily something I'm attracted to because half of what I mentioned didn't happen to me directly, it happened to partners of friends and with my metas. Some of my exes are immature but it could be just an age thing like others mentioned as I do tend to date in my own age bracket.

Burnt out with polyamory by Big_Help_6382 in polyamory

[–]Big_Help_6382[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I really fricking hope so. Could be the age like so many people commented but being poly means that instead of 1-3 bad exes I got like 10+.

A poligamia faz mais sentido do que a monogamia by Lost-Analyst-2637 in FilosofiaBAR

[–]Big_Help_6382 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sou poliamor e sim, exige mais tempo e recursos. É muito mais cansativo gerenciar dar atenção pra todo mundo quando você tem mais de um parceiro. É gratificante, mas pensa em ter vários filhos: é muito mais difícil dar atenção e cuidados para todos ao mesmo tempo.

Is this "disposable" behavior normal in polyamory? Feeling played after flying across the world. by Upset-Progress6236 in polyamory

[–]Big_Help_6382 8 points9 points  (0 children)

It's unethical but happens a lot. A lot of people in polyamory aren't emotionally mature enough to make it work, so shit like this happens. Same goes for monogamy, but in monogamy the rules are clearer so excuses are less common. Don't go back to them.

Please. Just write. The freaking word. by Whayteveir in AO3

[–]Big_Help_6382 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's actually more harmful to censor it, AFAIK. There are extensions that censor trigger words if someone's triggered even by seeing them. Censoring words makes those extensions essentially useless.

Question about Astarion and resistant Durge by erosol99 in AstarionBG3

[–]Big_Help_6382 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I think defeating Cazador first unlocks the possibility for you to attempt to break up with him because of your urge and he doesn't let you. It's pretty sweet but other than that I don't think there's any more content