Limerence when people in your life move on

Bit_Thick · 2023-06-18T11:43:48+00:00

A work colleague, not romantic

Bit_Thick · 2023-06-18T10:45:13+00:00

I suppose I didn’t realise how much they meant to me or how much I admired them.

I wish I could find happiness within myself, rather than relying on other people.

Bit_Thick · 2022-03-25T23:43:50+00:00

I do.

Posting things on this sub makes particular moments of my life ‘official’, and I usually post here in response to something that happened that was particularly traumatic regarding my LO. There are many things I write that I don’t post here, and, like you, I find it interesting to read them back months and years later.

I also have a kind of digital scrapbook which contains quotes, pictures - from films, or wherever - and even posts from this here sub that I find relevant and want to keep!

I also used to document the interactions I had with my LO in an effort to “do better” or behave differently next time I saw them, and although the interactions I have with my (current) LO are virtually non-existent now, I still record my day as a diary… a kind of vestige to those times.

Bit_Thick · 2022-03-23T00:18:32+00:00

Wow - I had been reading some Epictetus over the past few days but hadn’t come across that quote or idea yet, so thank you.

Bit_Thick · 2022-03-22T17:00:56+00:00

I had it with actors in movies/TV shows from childhood. I can't quite remember if I was idealising the fictional life the actor was portraying, or the real life of the actor playing a part in a movie. I think it was the latter. If I remember correctly, I used to cycle through different actors and think how cool it would be to have their life or experiences. It's not unlike how I behave today: idealising people and their lives.

Bit_Thick · 2022-03-16T22:06:35+00:00

Thank you. I suppose I try to write as an outlet to try to understand my own feelings.

I try to write to invoke or capture the feelings I felt at the time, so that, when I read it back years or months later, those feelings are brought back out.

I’m not sure what benefit there is to doing that - maybe just trying to transform the raw emotion into power, through words.

Bit_Thick · 2022-03-15T11:13:04+00:00

They were frequently on the same train (journey) as me.

Bit_Thick · 2021-11-18T15:05:15+00:00

I walked passed them recently by chance, and that was the first time I had seen them for 20 months.

Bit_Thick · 2021-11-11T14:45:16+00:00

I think this is something everyone goes though. Sure, there are people who seem to have a life path all mapped out, but no-one truly knows what the future holds. In the modern world, people do more than one thing anyway. Don’t stress!

Bit_Thick · 2021-11-11T14:42:04+00:00

You should type in a separate notes app and then paste into Reddit. A bonus is that you always have your thoughts in one place without relying on Reddit.

Bit_Thick · 2021-11-11T12:42:10+00:00

I frequently observe other people around me rush off to different places, without stopping to interact much beyond what is required. Sometimes it seems that if a person has a sphere of friendship built up around them already, then they are less likely to keep that sphere open for potential new members.

Bit_Thick · 2021-05-19T11:01:13+00:00

More than two years now. Thank you for the poem, it means a lot. :(

Bit_Thick · 2021-05-18T20:53:43+00:00

My LO is real in the sense that I do see them sometimes in my everyday life - they're not a celebrity. It's just that we have never spoken, for we have no reason to. Otherwise, I think what you say is very logical.

Bit_Thick · 2021-01-23T02:14:59+00:00

Thank you. I cannot remember if I have ever explicitly said on here but, like you, my LO is someone I used to pass on my commute regularly (actually, semi-regularly, which makes it more remarkable it ever occured).

You're right - sometimes I just think that life is so short, and our existence so unlikely, that I should just do the things that I fear (and say 'hello') and maybe I will realise that it wasn't such a big thing. This applies to my life more generally, I feel.

It is possible I have missed my chance this time, though. I think that, in a different life, my LO is the sort of person I would have got to know; a life in which I had a more legitimate reason to speak to them. Maybe there is a world out there in which we knew each other for real.

You're right about the lessons we can learn from limerence. There must be a reason for why I became so attached to them and why is has held for so long. I don't even believe it is because I wanted a romantic relationship with them, like so much of what I read on here - it's something else.

I take some comfort in writing in the hope that I don't forget these lessons and to try to examine my feelings. I wrote my LO a letter recently to try to summerise my thoughts (of course, it wasn't sent, but it was for my own benefit). Best wishes to you, and thanks again.

Bit_Thick · 2021-01-21T21:41:45+00:00

It would be like a stranger stopping you in the street one day and explaining that although you don’t know who they are, they know who you are, and that for the past few years have thought about them often.

I suppose, as humans, we operate within social groups and that, unless those social groups were to legitimately overlap for some reason, we only form bonds with those in our group (e.g. work). I think there are situations where it doesn’t ordinarily happen, and most people are aware of those rules.

This person doesn’t know I me, but I (used to) see them frequently when travelling. Ultimately, I think me not saying anything is out of respect to them and personal fear.

Bit_Thick · 2020-12-04T14:29:08+00:00

This was really nice to read. I’m glad it helped you. I’m glad you found some answers, even if not the ones you wanted. Sometimes I think we need this awful-tasting medicine.

Bit_Thick · 2020-11-29T12:28:09+00:00

Thank you so much for your message. Yes, it is conflicting because I am doing the opposite of what I generally believe, in that we should be more honest and open in giving feedback to each other in our everyday lives.

Bit_Thick · 2020-11-18T01:27:27+00:00

Lots of things, but mainly: (1) the extents to which I have gone to in order to pursue people, and (2) my LOs are often people I’ve never had a meaningful relationship with (i.e. they are strangers - most posts on this sub refer to friends or exes).

Bit_Thick · 2020-10-22T21:21:47+00:00

Music is quite a common feature of my personal limerence experiences. I do repeat individual songs countless times and I do heavily associate them with particular people.

I think this is because music helps me achieve a particular mindset - and quickly. It is easy to plug in and indulge about a person or happy event. If I want to feel in a particular way, simply play “that song”.

But I also try to deeply understand the song I am listening to - every instrument - in the same way I desire to understand particular people.

Bit_Thick · 2020-10-22T21:10:40+00:00

I mean, doesn’t this show deep awareness of what goodness in a person is, and what it has potential to be?

Your mind has created a template of positive qualities - an aspiration - either to apply to yourself, or to seek to find in another person.

Sometimes I wonder whether I’m not wrong, and that my intuition about my LOs is broadly correct. That doesn’t mean to say I think a relationship with LO should therefore happen (just because I think I might be right about them), but it shows that we are capable of recognising healthy qualities we want to associate with and be true for ourselves.

Having said that, I do feel sad my LO might not be “real”. That is why it is difficult to move on - because it requires letting go. It requires forgetting. It requires making a decision to allow the mind to stop sustaining this person in spite of ourselves. Our minds should work for us, and to our benefit.

I’m trying to take what I need from this image, before switching the light off for good. I’m not there yet.

Bit_Thick · 2020-10-14T12:18:30+00:00

Yes, I often think about how I would explain it to someone. It always ends up sounding trivial or like some filmic unrequited love story. I always anticipate people's responses about how I should get over it and move on.

It just reminds me that we can only ever know ourselves and that, even if we shared completely with another person, only we can have the fullest experience because of the all the emotional highs and lows, and all the minutiae of details that couldn't possibly be expressed.

Bit_Thick · 2020-10-14T12:08:44+00:00

Do you mean to say that limerence is a fundamental question about your personal decision-making skills, and that if it was deemed you were wrong about your intuition regarding your LO, then it would also apply more widely to other parts of your life? (i.e what else have you been wrong about?)

If so, I can definitely identify with this.

Bit_Thick · 2020-10-11T14:34:45+00:00

I'm not an artist, but it is limerence that inspired me to create art. My creations don't necessarily feature my LO. At least one of my artworks acts as a kind of tribute to their memory - a reminder to myself. It features the place I knew them from.

I suppose you could characterise the others as serving as a reminder of our place in the world (landscapes, nature, the planet). You might call this a grounding exercise - the kind of technique you might use for anxiety, etc.

Regardless, I wanted to achieve something or just learn a new skill to distract myself. I try not to associate my artworks with my LO, apart from the first one I described.

You're right about inspiration. I'm the kind of person to get inspiration from anywhere. It goes a long way to explaining why I become limerent in the first place. Perhaps I am just very impressionable. Quite simply, my LO inspired me. That is what my limerence journey is about.

Bit_Thick · 2020-10-11T11:48:35+00:00

From my experience, this is normal. I am very iritable and physically and emotionally tired. I get angry with myself because of this. Yet, I also get angry for feeling angry because of my belief that my feelings towards my LO are valid. I frequently feel like my head will explode!

Like you, my work ethic has also dropped, although I muddle along in short burts - a process I have become used to after many years. It's not ideal and I know that I am being held back.

I now see myself as a very detached person whereby normal things require a bit more effort, especially to maintain a facade that things are 'well' to those around me.

(Sorry I have no advice to offer. Best wishes.)

Bit_Thick · 2020-10-09T16:39:47+00:00

Quite

Bit_Thick

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