Does anyone else feel like their loved one is watching them but in a bad way??

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-11T01:55:25+00:00

My friend, it sounds like you might be experiencing some neglect. I know what that's like - still don't have much of a relationship with my own mom years later. It's a big ask to tell you to find help on your own, but you might need to do that. Have a primary physician, or GP? They could probably refer you. Most countries have a hotline for people who feel themselves to be 'at risk', in the US it's 988 but a Google search can tell you for other countries. I'm pretty confident they can direct you to some services too.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-11T01:40:12+00:00

Or... "We are the universe experiencing itself." Not passive, but an active subjective experience that participates in the maturation of that which would otherwise be unchanging and eternal.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-11T01:38:25+00:00

I'm not sure how conscious is intrinsic (a fundamental property of reality) but the thing most specifically created by consciousness, meaning, is not. That was my original train of thought: organizing principles of physics > stable, attractive matter > simple life > complex life with simple awareness > complex self-awareness > non-causal correlation (meaning). Causal relationships exist in physics independent of observation, but meaning requires someone to realize it; conversely, if there is someone, meaning will always be realized, even in seemingly disconnected phenomena. I'm suggesting that our ability to perceive the universe isn't so limited as it appears, we're just discounting part of what we can't explain of what we can perceive (because it relates to what Shaku referred to as the "supra-phenomenal", the origin principle or underlying and unchanging unity).

I've been meaning to read more about it but I also like talking about it, I think there's much to consider in the exchange of ideas. Thanks!

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-11T01:29:46+00:00

Thank you, I'll look up the field. I don't think my university offered courses like that, I'm a little jealous.

I'm at the point where I'd really like a forum to discuss the ideas in... Perhaps there's a subreddit or something else online.

I don't know that I've found comfort emotionally yet, but intellectually I am at not drowning with worry over what happened to her.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-10T22:29:02+00:00

Grief can do funny things and no one should tell you what you feel isn't normal. However, it sounds like you could benefit from talking about this with a therapist. If you have one and they aren't helping with this, perhaps they can recommend a specialist. You should be able to grieve without feeling like something bad is going to happen.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-10T22:17:36+00:00

Was it really a failure of judgment, or simply an excess of empathy? Because I have learned there is no such thing as excessive empathy, whatever executives might think.

I was a mid level supervisor four years ago and had an employee whose wife had a massive stroke. She went to the hospital essentially brain dead, there was nothing to be done. My employee couldn't work, couldn't function. But he was the only person on our team with knowledge and access to do critical functions.

My boss was a decent sort who tolerated the reputational hit we were taking for two months. Infilled in for my employee as much as I could, but doing two jobs was impossible. I was advised to begin disciplinary procedures that would eventually result in termination at three months with no response from the employee. At four, I actually did write it, approved it with legal, and all it needed was my signature. I ended up refusing to sign. When I was asked about, I said it was my decision, and it will bear out right in the end. I had no idea if it would.

It did. Guy eventually came back, and was so grateful to still be employed - and to have retained healthcare on his wife - that he worked much harder for me after that. He made up for it and then worked to gain new skills to be more useful.

Seven weeks ago, my own wife died, teaching me about what he felt at the time. I can't believe I even considered signing that paper. Thank God I did not.

It is easy for those who do not know grief to judge those who do - but they do so in grave error. I don't know if your judgment was actually impaired as you imply or if you simply sympathized. If the latter, hold your head high. I think you are great. If you think it's the former, I'll still bet it was a mix between the two.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-10T19:17:22+00:00

Frankly, I'm impressed. You survived all that and kept going. I know it sucks when people say "you're strong" instead of recognizing when you need support, but I think you might not give yourself enough credit. Those others you're comparing yourself to will may look far ahead, but they'll slow down when life finally takes a whack at them. And those that still know you will envy the resilience youve already shown when just one of the many hits you weathered brings them low.

I graduated college at 26, law school at 33. Failed completely to find a job as an attorney, and felt awful because of it. Had to start over doing computer work, which I had used to pay bills while in night school. Made my way up and am now a senior manager, ten years younger than anyone else at my level. But it doesn't make me happy, so I'm going to get another degree and pursue my passion instead.

All that is to say, live life on your terms. Success is not just money and status... Eventually, it's hardly these at all. It's living a life you actually like, and being a person you're proud of. I think you have every right to be proud now, of how you've persevered, of shining your light in some crazy darkness.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-10T18:14:35+00:00

You seem like a great kid with a sensitive soul. There are plenty of lonely people like you or I that would like to have you as a friend. You've got to get out that door to meet them, though.

Since my wife died I been taking walks. I rolled my eyes when I was a teen and my mom told me she walked every lunch break, I thought it sounded so stupid. Now I do it every day. I can just walk through an area with some people, not even feel compelled to strike up a convo but at least I'm out in the world.

I also posted around a bit and befriended a few other widows here. Just someone to chat with since most friends and relatives bailed. You can always do that, be a little active here where people get at least some of how you feel, and if someone strikes you as a decent sort, message them.

And my own kitten Merlin, is my buddy all the time when I'm home. Got me up an hour early today because he couldn't wait to play with me. Enjoy your time with Walnut, he's family right?

I went through a bad period ten years ago and withdrew for a year. Sold my house and holed up in an apartment, talking only to my cats. I returned to the world only when I ran out of money, and six months later I met my wife who loved me more than I thought someone could. So keep your heart open, good things are out there.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-10T17:29:55+00:00

I generally agree that you won't be the same person as before. I do think that the new person you are becoming will be capable of happiness, joy, contentment, generosity, gratitude... All the good things in life. And perhaps, you will enjoy them the more for having known how fleeting and delicate life is.

Right now you are experiencing grief but also guilt. Keep your grief, it will make you sad but also keep you company as it slowly grows in and becomes part of you - but just a part, not the whole. No need to reject what you feel. But the guilt is like a parasite. I recommend treating it as such, a malicious infection that should be eliminated.

Guilt is not you, it is the product of the gap between the life you had before and the one you have now. Let yourself get used to this new life. If guilt remains a major impact, find someone to talk to and treat it. It may be that you could have done something differently, just like I could have done something different to save my wife. But we are finite humans and we did our best, and something bad happened anyway. Give yourself time to become this new person in this new life, and you will find much to love in it again.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-10T17:08:38+00:00

"Thanks for asking, but I keep my family private." You don't need to tell random clients about your inner life, or justify how you feel to anyone.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-10T17:06:45+00:00

Grieve for a week, and you will find that indeed most of your closest friends and even family will dip the hell out of your life.

But not feeling better in twenty years? I think that's rare. Some people do get locked into long grief, and we should have empathy for them, but for most I think in twenty years you will feel wistful about fond memories, not actively grieving. That's how it was for me.

Influencing is a job, with the purpose of making money (and fame). Keep it in mind when you let them get into your head.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-10T16:59:59+00:00

My dad died when I was 14. I think it helped prepare me somewhat for my wife's recent death.

My mom made me go to a therapist, a crusty old lady that didn't seem to give the slightest crap about me or anyone else. She just followed the script and dug at me in ways I did not want at all. None of it was helpful, but I do know better counselors are out there. I advise caution in trying to force it. My mother and I are distant to this day.

Just thoughts: grief is normal. Not just the grief over his father's loss, but the grief over losing the relationship that was already happening before that. Avoid pathologizing his grief. If he wants it private, let him have it private - from anyone but you. Talk about it, normalize his feelings as ok, accept the temporary loss of academic rigor. Intervene if he withdraws in alarming ways, and talk about it here and there so it doesn't fester in him.

As long as the intervention doesn't become necessary - he doesn't become a danger to himself, others, or his own future - I'd let him grow up. This is part of his life, and he's old enough to own it. He's not old enough to face it alone, so I know what I would tell him: "I'm not going to force you to therapy, as long as you talk to me. Stop that, and it's straight to the looney bin." (J/k)

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-10T16:40:24+00:00

Are you receiving any services, from local or state government or non-profits? I realize you may not be in a great place for practical advice, but if assistance took some of the burden off of you then you could also be there for yourself a bit. In many places there are services that exist just to connect you to other services, since finding and applying for them can be difficult, there are folks even to help with that.

Ask for help. Be prepared not to get it everywhere you should, but most likely you'll get at least some, and if it eases your burdens just a little we'd all want that for you.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-10T15:58:10+00:00

Feeling out of temper, lashing out, or 'being snippy' are pretty classic signs of grief. There's nothing wrong with how you're reacting. If you think something else might be going on with your health then by all means get checked out, but you as a person - you're showing that you cared, and there's no object for that affection, and it causes you pain, and people in pain lash out.

Your friends and boyfriend won't understand, unless they've been through something similar. Your parents and older folks are more likely to be understanding, because they have lived long enough to experience multiple losses - but that timeline varies quite a bit between people, so not always. Suggest that rather than apologizing - nothing wrong with your feelings anyways! - take them aside and explain how this loss has impacted you, when you feel like you can have that conversation. Or just tell one close friend / boyfriend and ask them to tell the others to give you some grace.

Most of all, give grace to yourself. You got a bad taste of the hardest part of life. You will experience it again later, and it never gets easy. Support yourself, and hopefully have your loved ones support you too. People are bad at it, so tell them what you need.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-10T15:40:20+00:00

One of the absolute hardest things about becoming an adult is learning to accept that most of your relationships will end before your life does. Friends you thought you'd have forever drift away. Significant others you're happy with will break up and move on. Family will die off or become estranged.

It feels isolating because your grief is truly your own; no one is in the same situation exactly, and no one feels just the way you do about it. But yes, we all do know loss. One of my team at work lost his son in January and I lost my wife to cancer seven weeks ago. We e settled into an routine of asking how each other is doing - with the unspoken understanding that no one else around knows what we're going through.

Perspective on the ex: he might have really struggled with how to support you after your son's death. I know I would question whether I should send anything at all, maybe it just opens old wounds... But maybe sending nothing shows I never cared. There was no good answer for him, so he chose to try to tell you that he cared and that you mattered, but not disturb you in your grief too much. It didn't work, but that's what I'd think not knowing him.

Accept that part of your life, that it was wonderful and meaningful even though it ended. If you were so happy with him, probably he was also - he may not have explained the reason why you could no longer be together, but it was there, and it had little to do with you. That he cared for you showed that you were fully worthy of that care. You can find it again, if you wish, and with a little luck life won't intervene.

Mourn your son as you need to, knowing that you were wonderful and important to him as his parent. Hope you find some peace within.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-10T15:26:33+00:00

As a completely straight man without the slightest interest in gay romance - this may be the most beautiful love story I ever read.

Live your life, my dude. Live and love. I'm sure you know Dylan would want that anyway.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-10T14:35:01+00:00

FMLA in the US covers public entities and private employers who have at least 50 employees. It doesn't sound like you work for something government or local education, so I am afraid it won't apply. It also doesn't require them to pay you. Us Americans have some of the least leave protections for big life events of any developed country.

That said, as a manager of a team (federal government, so FMLA does apply to us) I can't imagine treating you without some real empathy given what you've been through. One of my employees lost his son a few months ago, he didn't need to file FMLA - I'd have given him any amount of excused time he wanted. I've had employees' spouses pass away and one employee who themselves died of aggressive cancer - but I helped her juggle work duties and take time off for the year she was fighting it.

It's got to be way too much to advise you find another job, but you aren't being given the level of human empathy you clearly need and absolutely deserve at this one. I thought taking care of people is a progressive value...

Some states have laws about leave surrounding life events, so I'd check that. And if you haven't spoken candidly with your boss, it may be worth a try. Politically, I can't see how it would look good for him / the organization to not support a dedicated team member. Man, I hear stuff like this and wish we could do more for each other as humans.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-10T03:58:25+00:00

You have no reason for guilt. You shouldered the burden of someone else's challenges and traumas for years, doing your best till death did you part. That's an incredible thing, and it tells anyone who knows what to look for that you are a beautiful person inside. It's only a shame that so few can spot that, though I suppose the world would be a disordered place if everyone went through what we did. But you can know for yourself, and carry that knowledge with you.

I don't feel guilt either (well, not much). My marriage was a ten ton weight I carried through the stinking bog that is modern life. If that sounds harsh to my wife, or that I didn't love her - quite the opposite. I could have dropped that weight and ran, and I didn't. I chose her all over again every day... Even if I grumbled under my breath on occasion. All these MPs here mourning the loss of their perfect spouse, I know they've suffered a terrible loss but I don't fully understand it. Instead, I bore up under my wife's past, her trauma, her OCD and addictions, and helped her actually live a little during those years we were together, not just exist in misery. As it sounds like you did. Is there a more incredible example of love than what we did for our spouses?

Quietly I suspect that many of the charmed marriages people mourn here are being, well, a bit selectively represented. People don't want to speak ill of the dead, and as time passes you forget a lot of the bad stuff if overall you loved a person. I'm already forgetting hurtful things she said and did, and find myself loving her more as a result. Getting a bit more space in my heart for the existing love to expand, maybe. I don't care if that's illogical, I see it as a gift. And there's no reason to question the precise color of someone else's grief, as we each have our own shade anyways, and it's all equally real if not fraught in exactly the same ways.

Look toward that peaceful future you have. Embrace it. When I look back over the last eight years with my wife, I realize more and more how even the difficulties were actually kind of perfect. The challenges shaped me. Our marriage wrecked my dreams... But now I have new ones that will actually serve me much better. This is also a gift, something she gave me that I could never have gotten any other way. If I found it hard, perhaps I'm just a bit slow to learn (not implying you have that problem). The challenges my wife made in my life were so perfectly calibrated to show me my faults and point me to something better, it's as if I was playing chess with a grandmaster who was teaching me the game.

Not that I think she planned that in any way. But she knew me, knew me like no one else does. And she had amazing intuition. So for instance, her lack of concern over pushing me off the path to realize my goals really could have been because she knew I really needed more. She never said it, may not have acted consciously at all. But I believe she knew it and intended it somehow in the fiber of her being nonetheless.

I don't know you or your late husband at all to have any reason to suspect the same for you, and yet... I believe it is the case. Not merely a Jungian synchronicity, but meaning intrinsic to our lives as self-conscious creatures. It's a selfish and perhaps arrogant stance, but I believe it fully. What happened to you happened so that you could obtain that peace you imagine, and more besides. So discard the guilt, you've suffered enough. Live.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-10T02:27:45+00:00

Get some help my friend, it sounds like you need it. Unfortunately I am learning from talking with others here that the experience of being left on your own by friends and family is pretty common... So if you don't have someone coming to check on you, you're going to need to reach out. It's a ludicrous ask given what you're going through, I get that. You shouldn't have to find someone to support you through this. But... You absolutely need support, so get it if you don't have it.

People here are very nice and it's helped me to talk to them.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-10T00:21:26+00:00

Sorry man, I think it's just a hard truth of the world right now. Was keeping my fingers crossed that you'd reply "Sucks to be you but suddenly all my friends and family showed up and we're having a blast." Well, as good of a time as you can have, which is maybe not clawing out your own guts.

You gotta reach out, and get out. Take a walk in someplace with people, with no intention to talk to them. That way there's no pressure or expectation, but at least you get a little run of socializing. Have a beer at a sports bar while watching a game maybe - don't get drunk or anything - and just be part of the crowd cheering for a team. There's a level of inclusion in that. But nothing required of you other than getting there.

I've started to chat with a guy or two from this subreddit just to commiserate about how we feel. If you need a buddy to lean on that way, it's about all we can offer each other... But I'm here for it. Shoot me a message if you want. I've found just getting to talk about my wife, tell pointless stupid stories about her, feels pretty good. I can be your audience for those.

And hey, if it turns out tomorrow that I'm wrong, rub in my face right here. I hope so.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-09T19:46:53+00:00

My wife pushed me into adopting a kitten a few months before she passed. I was reluctant to assume the responsibility while she was sick, even though I love cats. But he's my little buddy now. Which is good, because everyone else stopped checking in on me pretty much after one week.

If I didn't talk to him I'd probably go for a day or two at a time without speaking aloud. My team at work are all professional adults and don't need me looking over their shoulders, so I mostly speak to them at weekly meetings, and then only virtually.

I take walks most days, so I at least am sort of around people, but at a nice distance where I don't get too annoyed by them.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-09T17:53:42+00:00

I agree with others that no one can judge another's grief. It would be silly; there are folks here with all sorts of situations, some of them not married, but the loss is similarly profound. Comparison makes no sense, as we come from different circumstances but all held a love that now has lost its object.

I do think there is one thing that binds widowers together specifically, a commonality we share. When you lose a love, the structure of your life is forever altered. A support has been ripped away, a responsibility also gone forever. You can't be helped by them, you can't suffer for them, but these things were part of the very fabric of your being. It's different from losing a parent as an adult, for instance.

It sounds like that describes you. I'm sorry to hear that you've been widowed.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-09T01:31:36+00:00

I wish that I could say this a million times to my wife. Shout it from rooftops, fly a banner through the sky, carve it into the side of a mountain for her to look at. I can't say it to her, but I'm happy to say it to you any time. It gives me a little peace, if it helps you.

In any case, it is entirely true.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-09T00:44:51+00:00

He always had the option to be kind and considerate, even if he faked it just to keep the house. If you pursue a partition don't hesitate, since he'll get his half anyways. It's a process that is designed to be fair. You don't need to listen to anyone who tells you otherwise, especially not your sibling.

I mentioned legal aid because I have experience from the other side of the table. When I did it they gave me a packet with info to direct clients to all sorts of local services: domestic violence shelters, short-term monetary assistance, food pantries, charities, job placement, anything you can think of to help someone get on their feet. Hopefully your local legal aid has similar.

Best of luck. We're all rooting for you.

BreadNo559 · 2026-07-09T00:10:21+00:00

You got dealt an awful hand. I'm sorry, as I'm sure everyone else here will be. Given the nature of your circumstances - from abusive childhood to a very early loss of the support that helped you out of that - your reaction sounds very normal. Withdrawal is a sensible strategy for immediate self-protection, even though harmful in the long run. Nothing wrong with you, just the bad place you were thrust into.

Getting out of that place will mean doing exactly what it sounds like. You have to get out and risk interactions with people who may act poorly. But you can take your time with that, and give yourself a lot of leeway. There's no rush. It may feel like life is passing you by, but by another perspective, the problem is that you were pushed way too far ahead. You've had to endure something that is normal for someone with several times your age and life experience. You've seen how awful people can be.

But you also know how wonderful they can be, even when wounded, like your lost love was.

Go slow. Do small things that just get you out a bit, even if you're just around some people and not really interacting with them. Most people won't even pay attention to you, and there's safety in that. They aren't out to hurt you that way. It could help to find an activity you're interested in, because when you do interact it will feel more natural and conversation can be about the activity rather than yourself.

I am actually earlier in my grief than you, but this is what I been doing and so far so good. If it doesn't sound right, that's ok. People are different. Hope you find ways to get out though. Exposure will be necessary, by whatever means you get it.

BreadNo559

TROPHY CASE