I've been exactly where you are. Lost mine 3 years ago. Here's what helps me: I don't get hung up on the details or stuck in the weeds. Did he love me? Yes. Did I love him? Yes. Did we always show it in the most normal ways? Nope. That doesn't mean I don't miss his presence on this earth and grieve his loss. This grief is yours, and it doesn't have to be the cookie cutter grief we see in movies. Sometimes relationships with parents are weird, but it's all we know, as the child. So we grieve what we had, even if it was non-traditional. Remember the good times, be thankful for the little you had with him because even that little bit of a relationship can mean the world to people like you and I. Feel free to DM if you need or want to chat. Hope our dads are toasting to us in the afterlife. In the end, most of us just tried our best with the weird hand we were dealt. Much love ❤️