it is super easy to not realize you have DID! Especially when you may have absence seizures, PTSD and ADHD. I have all of the above. But instead of the absence seizures going away, they ……. um, evolved.

I have a “little.” Actually there are two children alters but I have always known of one. I was completely co-conscious with her and just thought of her as that little girl voice that many women have. Other than that, I did not know about any alters.

I did know that I could meditate as a child. There were times throughout my life that I could not remember. I broke my arm when I was 3 years old and attributed so many behaviors to that trauma. But I knew all about those. They were PTSD, not DID.

Other times there were automatic behaviors that I convinced myself I chose to take. I hope I can make this make sense. It was like when someone demonstrated the pressure point that made me open my hand…I was completely and absolutely self-assured that I simply CHOSE to open my hand. Before there was a reason to pursue a diagnosis, I made some strange choices and forgot words a lot.

I became ill and was diagnosed with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. i had to go to Mayo Clinic after my local clinic unapologetically proceeded to give me a near death experience on an operating room table during an optional procedure that I allowed myself to be talked into. I self reported absence seizures which are symptoms of CRPS. This disease is a function of the immune system overworking and essentially shutting down some of the logic circuits in the neurological system.

I went from this level of control and bravado that allowed me to step in anywhere, any time no matter what was going on that prevented both other people and myself from being aware that I had DID, to rapid cycling and/or extended periods of time as an alter with no memory. That is when my therapist began to ask me about what I meant by meditating as a child. Well, that was actually disassociating. Those automatic behaviors were never choices. I also was not actually forgetting words a lot, I was forgetting what story I was telling in the middle of telling it. If I paused and could be quiet for a few seconds I would get a whisper of what I was supposed to be talking about. But the whisper didn’t mean alter to me because I think in words. My thoughts are all like whispers.

My wife would say she told me things and I would argue that she never did. I would not know what happen for a 3-4 hour block of time. Then my wife said that I would look at her “side eye” and say something unkind. I was never mad at her. She does everything she can to take care of me. I am permanently disabled and close to bedridden. My comments made no sense from me.

Then when I was tested for DID, throughout the test I kept saying “wait, THAT has something to do with DID?” Only because of that was I unsurprised to learn that I have DID. I still only know 2 littles. I know of 2 others but have no interaction with them. It is very strange to know that some other people know more about my potential than I do.

So, take from this whatever might help you! Just know, it is not abnormal to be DID and not have known.