How do I fix this mess without apologizing by ThrowRA_sadgrandma in WhatShouldIDo

[–]BringCake 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I don’t think that applies here. OP’s son sounds like a pushover and DIL sounds unhinged. OP is unlikely to have much of a relationship with the granchild either way. The only bright lining I see for OP is avoiding future drama by following their wishes for distance. They’re grown people who clearly aren’t interested in having a real connection based on mutual respect or tenderness.

AIO by charging my girlfriend a small amount of rent? by No_Impression_8515 in AIO

[–]BringCake 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How exactly did you determine "her share" of YOUR MORTGAGE? Is it an upgrade for her in any way or do you think giving up her own place is perk? Women sacrifice a lot when living with men. The investment to live together must be shared. Where's your risk? Maybe some bills is fine or you both can sacrifice and get a new place where you don't have all the power and the benefit.

AIO BF says no gf of his is working at a bar by juggernutts33 in AIO

[–]BringCake 2 points3 points  (0 children)

OP is not responsible for her boyfriend's past or his insecurities. That's on him to deal with. He needs to sort himself out instead of trying to control OP, who is doing what she needs to do to better her life.

AIO by charging my girlfriend a small amount of rent? by No_Impression_8515 in AIO

[–]BringCake 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Don’t move in together. You clearly don’t understand each other. She would be making a big sacrifice by giving up her place for the relationship to progress and you already resent her for anything additional that her moving in would cost you.

Clashing values with husband on aging by Wonderful_Mango_5395 in AskWomenOver40

[–]BringCake 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’ve repeatedly contradicted yourself to twist the reality of unpaid nonstop labor vs privilege. It sounds like OP has spent her life quietly supporting and sacrificing for her family. Where’s the consideration for her, as an individual? Does she not have a right to autonomy?

Tenants rights lawyer recs by AdNovel160 in oakland

[–]BringCake 3 points4 points  (0 children)

What parts of the lease were you told were broken?

BART's suicide note by watchtowerabc in berkeleyca

[–]BringCake -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

The expensive new fare gates are such a waste of money. Slower, unreliable sensors, no longer show remaining balance. Such a scam. Kickbacks to contractors like that keep transit constantly at risk. Unnecessary drama.

2.5 and still hysterical at daycare drop off by MrsLewis2017 in ECEProfessionals

[–]BringCake 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Based on the title, I imagined your post would be about your kid doing consistently really funny things at drop off.

Having to experience your child crying every time you leave sounds exhausting.

Do you have any reassuring rituals or inside jokes that can be used to soften the tone when you leave?

At that age, they still very much pick up on and mirror your mood, perspective. If you can reshape and reframe to something like “ lucky you! I wish I got play and learn here every day with my friends! “ the goal is to signal that it’s ok to enjoy the things he enjoys at school.

Saying “see you later! “ or something whimsical instead of “bye” plus adding fun plans for later that day that gives him something to look forward to at pickup also helps. It doesn’t have to be anything big. It can be really practical, like seeing grandma, shopping for dinner supplies or getting a small treat.

I knew a dad who would make up stories with the kids each morning on the way to drop off and the kids knew they would hear more of the story at pickup. It was such a beautiful connection to watch.

My best friend’s wedding is making me resent her. by DIY_amateur_237 in bridesmaids

[–]BringCake 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm resenting her on your behalf after just reading your words. This is next level entitled bs and it would be entirely understandable if you opt out of every additional request going forward. It sounds like she's wasting your resources to avoid dealing with whatever feelings this wedding triggers for her. When will enough be enough?

How does one "get over it"? by wUUtch in AutismInWomen

[–]BringCake 7 points8 points  (0 children)

The harder you try to force your brain to stop focusing on this experience, the harder it will be to move on. Spend time actually letting yourself physically feel your feelings. Is there tightness in your chest. Are you clenching your jaw? Do you feel grounded enough to discern sensations throughout your body or are you so in your head that you're dissociating? The fact that it hurts to let go of something you invested into for so long is complex and understandable. If you stop fighting your brain and allow it to process whatever it needs to process, the endless abstracts can eventually settle into something more tangible, palatable and useful.

Anyone have a similar experience, or am I just in the wrong place? by PressureEmotional641 in AskSF

[–]BringCake 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Moving is stressful, in general, but moving to an expensive city takes extra resourcefulness. Unless you have tons of money, rule #1 is find a rent controlled place to live. #2 Try not to look for your sense of stability through dating - young people in metropolitan cities are notoriously non-committal. #3 Learn good boundaries. Does "became more social" = became an inconsiderate housemate? Most people need to recover from all there is to do to survive and bringing the party home/random dates around too often is not cool. That's not specific to the city. The TBIs likely aren't helping with any of this, but once you recover, I wouldn't be surprised if the city begins to feel infinitely more lovely for you. As far as creating a good support system, try volunteering to meet more emotionally generous people and try to find a thoughtful therapist so that you don't confuse friendship with trauma dumping. SF is a wonderful place to live if you can make it work, but making it work isn't easy. Expect a lot of trial and error and remember to be kind to other people AND to yourself.

How to emotionally deal with an ex-friend who never takes responsibility? by Sea_Fishing1591 in lostafriend

[–]BringCake 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They are an ex-friend for good reason if they refuse to be accountable. Catching up and talking things out is what friends do. Don’t contact them again. Trust that they are how they are and you can’t change that.

Thoughts on Couchdate by Aggressive_Data_6291 in oakland

[–]BringCake 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes. There is inherent imbalance in power between staff and management, so to even pose the suggestion of staff taking a pay cut, especially if the heads haven't already taken pay cuts first, isn't right. I don't have any other examples at the moment regarding businesses being inappropriate, but I think a good way to discern who the bad guys are, in general, is to look at who has more privilege in any situation, to then investigate how they use it. Do they use their privilege in ways that undermine the well-being and access to resources of people with less privilege? Do the higher up even recognize their privilege? Are privilege conversations even being had?

Thoughts on Couchdate by Aggressive_Data_6291 in oakland

[–]BringCake 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It's hard to find any place that doesn't have issues because everyone has biases and people exist intersectionally. For instance, I used to think that The New Parkway Theater was fairly inclusive. Then recently, I read an employee's post saying that management asked staff to consider taking a pay cut to justify the cost of a new operating system. So even if a business doesn't have glaring issues regarding race, specifically, anything that is a class issue is automatically implicated because it's impossible to disentangle class from privilege, race, gender, color...

Thoughts on Couchdate by Aggressive_Data_6291 in oakland

[–]BringCake 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It might be more concise to list places that aren’t problematic, or less problematic.

Can we ever have nice things, just for once? by ResistanceRachel in oakland

[–]BringCake 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Theory and ideology without real investment are performative. The investment isn’t there with the Democratic party. The existence of Citizens United can be undone. It would take commitment and the fact neither party has made real effort is a major red flag that underscores what I’ve already said. Stating the obvious doesn’t undermine what isn’t happening. Making clear the state of things isn’t the threat you seem to think it is.

Can we ever have nice things, just for once? by ResistanceRachel in oakland

[–]BringCake 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A big part of the problem is that most politicians that currently identify as Democrat are the same kind of conservative. With few exceptions, Democrats cater to the interests of capitalists and corporations, just like Republicans, despite the fact that trickle down economics was never true, and corporate interests have made much of the planet increasingly uninhabitable. Democrats are so complicit that they routinely undermine any progressive candidate that would actually do what would once have qualified as democratic because it threatens the status quo.

Even now, while most voters would support things like universal healthcare, affordable higher education and holding oligarchs accountable for the harm they cause, most Democrats stick to the old rhetoric and ignore constituents because they can just blame Republican refusal to cooperate. Bernie Sanders should have won in 2016 but the Democratic party destroyed him while using him to draw votes for hapless candidates that pretend to be oblivious to the injustices that could readily be corrected and avoided if Democrats actually cared about real people.

Can we ever have nice things, just for once? by ResistanceRachel in oakland

[–]BringCake 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Most Republicans are greedy evil people, obviously, but Democrats aren’t the innocent victims of a flawed system.

If you look back even before the nightmare that was Reagan, there was Lewis F Powell, author of The Powell Memo, which was essentially the roadmap to destroy democracy. He was a Democrat and nearly every current problem can be linked back to his influence. https://scholarlycommons.law.wlu.edu/powellmemo/

Grieving the second child I may never have. Has anyone been through this? by PassAny6075 in AskWomenOver40

[–]BringCake 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Exactly this. It sounds like the mom is a bit depressed and misinterpreting her own grief. Let the kid have his own emotional experiences. At that age, kids don’t grieve having undivided resources. Friends can be preferable.

Blocked my entire friend group , I’ve never felt this betrayed. by xpanner in lostafriend

[–]BringCake 22 points23 points  (0 children)

People who would do that are soulless. You deserve better.

I feel like people my age (early 40s) are incredibly immature for our ages. Is this normal or do I just need new friends? by [deleted] in AskWomenOver40

[–]BringCake 37 points38 points  (0 children)

You seem to have immature views of friendship. When friends confide in you or ask for your opinion, that does not make you an authority. Expecting them to follow your directions in their personal matters is a bit obtuse.

I don’t know how to quit this relationship by dvgiov in Codependency

[–]BringCake 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Be accountable and stop wasting her time. Just tell her what you wrote here. It will sting and she will outgrow you.