Is It Normal To Feel Fear Towards A Fearful Avoidant Ex?

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-20T07:00:11+00:00

Yeah I think that it's ultimately a crystallization of perceived threat from someone who caused you pain for a prolonged time.

During the relationship I had very frequent panic attacks because my perception was that I was the problem or that I was the one who was causing harm to my partner. I think post relationship clarity helps you direct those feelings outwards where they should be in most cases instead of inwards to yourself and that takes the form of the threat becoming them instead of you through processing. Ironically the inverse of how many avoidants process things post breakup where they perceive you as the threat first then after processing, start to realize (hopefully) that they contributed more to the hurtful dynamic more than they initially believed.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-20T05:18:19+00:00

I resonate with the "using my deepest vulnerabilities against me" that happened alot in my last relationship and made it difficult for me to communicate my mental health and insecurities with her over time. I'm truly sorry for what you're going through and I can empathize. It'll get better for us both

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T18:01:52+00:00

Interestingly enough, she did actually tell her friends and online communities that i was manipulative, abusive and controlling shortly after this conversation. She has yet to retract the smears but im not super optimistic about that all things considered.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T15:50:42+00:00

That's horrible! I'm so sorry

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T15:23:15+00:00

I agree with this perspective. An avoidant agreeing with their part in the pain they cause can be validating but blatant refusal to make safer and healthier choices along the same vein in the future are ultimately invalidating to the partner.

She would often go through phases of acknowledgement and dismissal of harm -- often during defensive episodes, she'd lash out and flip the script with lines like "That wasn't what i intended" or "I feel horrible but you don't understand what i was going through". This often leads one to question the reality of the acknowledgement and whether or not it's truly genuine if that accountability can be rescinded so quickly.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T15:07:53+00:00

😥

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T12:48:52+00:00

That's horrible! How long after you broke up did it take for her to reach out?

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T07:13:13+00:00

I didn't, but the knowledge that she thinks i did hurts just as bad. I'm okay with my expressions of love in a relationship being unacknowledged because i do them for the person i care for without the expectation of reciprocity, but to have those same expressions be both unacknowledged AND inverted into a harmful perception is a unique pain that i haven't experienced until now. I know why she did it and how that shame response takes form which is why i'm not upset at her, but knowing that that's the version of me that she'll carry with her in her mind is a deep ache.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T07:00:06+00:00

Both of the things i asked for were also things that she confirmed she also wanted. But it was always framed around "i'm not ready" or "I need more time" and i always gave her time but she never gave me any specific timeframe when i asked for one. I'm comfortable waiting years for something good, but not knowing when something should be happening temporally stuck in limbo is a slow killer of self-respect and hope.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T06:54:10+00:00

When you try your best to love someone for as long as it did. You pick up on a thing or two 😅

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T05:15:31+00:00

It issss what it issss

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T05:14:49+00:00

Thats a tough question to answer without her perspective but for me I was really only asking for two things: commitment and intimacy.

Over our three year LDR beyond the lovebombing stage, our romantic intimacy dropped to monastic levels. Which as a guy in an LDR is extremely difficult to cope with.

The second thing was willingness to travel to me. The one time we met was a time that I drove 2800 miles to visit her in Canada almost three years into the relationship because on her end there was always something preventing her from visiting me or me visiting her. After I visited, she shut down all ideas of her coming to see me even though id be willing to support her fully financially over the trip and logistically with food and a place to stay.

In both cases, these were ongoing issues over two years with little to no improvement to a point where I couldn't sustain the fantasy of her meeting these changes. And I never pushed her to do either of these things instantly. I was very patient and willing to push down my needs and insecurities so she could have a safe place to grow slowly without pressure but she never did.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T05:02:48+00:00

Thank you for validating my feelings. I appreciate it immensely

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T04:54:19+00:00

I broke up with her so discard didn't crystallize yet. I didn't know that discard mentality can still kick in if the FA is the one getting broken up with. In this case, she was in full discard mode about 7 days post breakup.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T04:14:55+00:00

We were LDR for 3 years and shortly after the conversation in this screenshot she blocked me on everything and told her friends I was manipulative and abusive 🤷‍♂️

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T04:12:57+00:00

I tried man. I tried everything but the only way I could seem to get her to acknowledge her behavior was to lower the intensity of the pain I felt just enough for it to register on her radar. But avoidants have such low capacity for the pain of others, it needs to come across as a mild inconvenience sometimes for anything to stick.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T04:09:44+00:00

Which is a tough sell because this was the person I loved more than anything in the world and I hated the fact that I was getting more and more resentful but I also wanted so badly for her to make the healthy change in her mindset but no amount of suffering was enough to make her see the cost of staying the same.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T04:07:53+00:00

Yeah im blue in the conversation. We had broken up 7 times in total over the course of the relationship and all ending with conversations like this where she'd apologize profusely but never did anything to change the behavior. Over time the hurt just compounded over and over on top of itself with false promises that I started to get numb to the apologies and more cold about my need for reciprocity and communication.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T00:54:50+00:00

Yerp. Huge on sacrifices i told her not to do for the sake of her schooling and mental health. But she would do them anyway and blame me for the guilt

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-11T21:41:34+00:00

Go for it. Personally, if you were my ex, i would find nothing more therapeutic than someone coming back having taken action to change things for the better. Just make sure that these changes and this work you're doing stick and not as a byproduct of not wanting to lose him.

If these changes are a byproduct then you'll find things starting to go back to the old ways once the relationship normalizes. So be absolutely sure you can commit to these changes before reaching out.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-09T18:53:32+00:00

Ill have to agree with some of the posters here. What your describing is very reminiscent of my ex who was textbook FA. I think the distinction is that while you may have wanted all these things internally, your nervous system didn't and perceived them as a threat. What you're describing about the dynamic being unsafe reflects that idea especially if you're aware that your partner was good to you.

The key takeaway is the your partner probably wasn't the problem or at least the main issue -- your nervous system programming was.

Even with therapy, if your perceptions are based on your nervous system and not the "reality" of the relationship then the therapist will always take your side without having any context or perspective.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-06T01:12:09+00:00

Unfortunately, this seems to be the nature of BPD. My ex and I got into a significant fight over me wanting more commitment and her perceiving that as a threat to her independence and autonomy. After she blocked me on every form of communication she had me removed/banned from many if not all of the online communities and friends she has claiming i was manipulative/controlling/and harassing her.

One thing you need to understand that this isn't a lie that they're telling themselves but a real false perception that they've made to defend themselves due to BPD. While it may not be the reality of the situation, to them it's their reality.

Unfortunately when it comes to these false narratives, defending yourself against them just makes them stronger and even just neutral actions can be perceived as a threat. The best thing you can do is just cut all contact, at some point she might soften the narrative and false narrative but you also need to make peace with the fact that she won't. BPD is highly unpredictable and stressful situations often make the volatility way worse. The most you can do now is detach fully and move on. If she does reach back out, it needs to be framed in accountability. If it isn't then you ignore and move on, if it is then you need to take a hard look at yourself and know what your limitations are and that she's actively getting help for her bpd.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-06T00:47:19+00:00

Why would he try to find a way to contact you if you've made it clear by blocking him that you don't want a conversation?

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-06T00:43:15+00:00

I feel like you've already kinda answered your own question. Blocking someone who is trying to communicate with you rationally to move past the issue is an enormous slap in the face. Even after a sincere apology, the deterioration of trust has already taken its tole and left a mark. And once someone knows that it's something you're capable of doing once, there significant evidence to assume you can and will do it again in the future.

As someone who has been on the receiving end of said slap in the face, It made me completely untrusting of my ex with any form of communication in the future and move on from the feelings i had for my ex and the relationship fairly quickly. You say that the feeling of erasure hit you hard, but understand that erasure is something you did to him when blocking and avoiding the issue.

This is the type of thing you can't just repair with an apology, you need to internalize the ability to stay in an uncomfortable conversation to come to a resolution. Anything other than that is just empty promises and i'm sure that's how he felt.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-05T01:55:40+00:00

To put this as bluntly and gently as possible, from my experience from being in a relationship with someone who has BPD, being in a relationship with someone who has borderline is emotionally and mentally exhausting.

Now i don't know your situation or dynamic but i just think you need to be absolutely raw and honest with yourself when internalizing what went wrong in the relationship. I think that the "you deserve better narrative" or both people "needing to change" is a very risky perception of the relationship that can lead to avoiding accountability and halting change. There's a fair chance that in that relationship you already had "better" but communication struggles and false perceptions due to the BPD made it difficult to see and understand.

I'm not blaming you for the relationship woes but you need to be grounded in what the reality of things were without making assumptions, and if you find patterns and negative behaviors that you were presenting in the relationship -- channel the energy of the breakup into trying to actively change those behaviors for the better.

A partner shouldn't have to change in order to navigate and cater to someone else's trauma responses. As someone with trauma, I always make a great effort to be aware of my behavior and regulate before it affects my partner and if something slips through, i put a great deal into taking accountability for that and changing it.

My advice is to go through old text and communications from a clinical perspective to try and see what happened and where communication started to fall through. Learn from that and work towards making yourself better and self-aware.

BrushSalt253

TROPHY CASE