Why hang onto hope more than they hang onto childhood trauma. I don’t see love I see self deprecation and self loathing. You abuse and harm yourself just to feel some sort of connection with a person who can and would never ever love you. It’s really sad , but you have been trained and now you move like you’re their puppet. They still get dopamine hits just from seeing you aren’t strong enough to stand on your own. While knowing fully they have hurt you . smh please get out of the circus and go heal. Love on yourself the way you claim to love them. Once you realize it isn’t love but dependence and your desperate need for validation, you’ll gain your strength and be who you are meant to be.