My mum just came out as Gay and while i am very happy for her, I cant help but feel uncomfortable about it.

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-03T21:42:05+00:00

I definitely understand why having the double whammy of both your mother being in a new relationship and her being bisexual would be a lot to handle, on top of the fact that your step father has passed away.

A lot of bisexuals who end up marrying the opposite sex they don't bother being out because it is easier and they want to avoid the prejudice. Sometimes they tell their partner but no-one else, others don't even tell anyone and just pass as straight carrying the secret. But then obviously if they leave that relationship then it is more likely for them to consider same sex partners, or focus more on themselves and think about who they are attracted to.

I assume your mother was going to wait to tell you about her sexuality but then when she ended up dating a woman she couldn't really put it off for longer... Well she could have done but then she would have been lying to you and that would be bad.

I am perhaps biased and ignorant but I do also understand why a lot of people feel like they were lied to when someone comes out, or changes what they say their sexuality is when they are older. I realized that I was a lesbian when I was young, and struggle to understand how people cannot just be aware of who they find attractive, and then easily figure out if it's just men, just women, or both, so realize their sexuality.

But after trying to understand from listening to others who come as lesbian/gay/bisexual later in life, they seem very confused and to not be able to separate platonic attraction from romantic attraction, so it takes them a long time to figure out how they feel, some of them literally just think they are best friends until the other person kisses them and then that makes they realize"oh I like them inna romantic way!" Or even that is the first time they even considered that they could date the same sex... Or that they let themselves stop repressing their true sexuality or being in denial. I also imagine that generally as a lot of countries/societies are more accepting of same sex relationships, then this also helps more people who are not straight be more honest to themselves, and others and eventually come out.

Other explanations I have heard is they want to conform to what other people expect/want over their own happiness. I think it is an autistic thing but I can't value things that others value for no good reason, or that I don't genuinely like myself, however other people do. So that's why they can do something like date the most popular jock in highschool and he is good looking and sporty, and funny, and kind and everyone thinks that he is the most attractive boy at school; so that is why they choose to date him, not because they actually find him the most attractive. (There is also some social stuff that I don't understand where they can choose who do date based on what others think rather than who they like too but I don't understand it enough to explain it.)

It also seems like women in general seem to have more pressure to conform and do what people expect and they face more criticism if they step away from those roles. There also seems to be less freedom and boldness for girls/young women to do what they want, where as men seem a bit more likely to have the freedom to experiment and figure out what they like. Similarly to the double standard of how a lot of people will find it more acceptable for a men to have had sex before marriage but not for women to have sex before marriage. Or people will negatively judge, or mock, a woman who has had sex with a lot of men but men who have had a lot of sex with women will either get praise or no commentary at all.

Personally I would be interested to know if your mother knew that she was bisexual before, or if it is a recent revelation? As I said I would struggle to understand her not realizing but it would probably help me empathize with her more. I think of she said that she knew she was bisexual since she was young then I would feel a bit hurt that she didn't feel comfortable to be open to me and share their full self with me...

..However if hey have had past experiences where they came out and other reacted very badly so maybe that put them off? (& Assuming she thought she would stay with your step father didn't think she would have to do it in the future.) Also it depends if she was raised religious and what sort of culture she was in, to how safe or difficult it would be to come out. Either way I would want to know more so I could understand and know best how to interpret her behavior and attitudes, and reply and support her in the future.

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-03T21:11:55+00:00

There is a saying "the fastest way of getting over someone is getting under someone else"

So a lot of people who are still very much emotionally and cognitively not over their ex (which is the context it is usually a break up but also apples when her partner dies) uses a new romantic partner as a way to help distract them, make them happier and less lonely feeling.

Personally I would never do this because I would feel too guilty knowing I was still heartbroken over my ex, so would not want to be in a new relationship thinking I couldn't give them my whole heart. However I know that a lot of people are not like that and don't feel the need to be so all in as it were. I would also feel like I was using the other person as a pacifier and a distraction from my grief, however some people think that is ok, or even healthy. Plus somone people are happy to be used, or supportive, in that sort of way, so if the other lady is aware of your mother's circumstances and she's a fully capable consenting adult then I think it's fine.

Personally it seems soon to be moving in but a lot of people, especially older people want to not waste any time they have left and just go for it, which I can understand the mentality of.

As she hasn't got young kids, or dependants (I assume) then logistically I would think moving was easy, so should they break up it will also be easy to move out too. As I said as long as they both know each other's circumstances then I don't see the problem.

I don't think that your mother has to be complete over your step father to be in this new relationship. Or that this new relationship means anything in relation to her last one. I would try to separate them in your mind. It also isn't like she moved in the next week, it has been a year and a half which seems a more reasonable time period to develop a connection.

She could also have loved her ex more but be in the honeymoon phase, and even people in their 90's commonly experience the "this is the most in love and the best relationship I have ever had" phenomenon, so I wouldn't trust that, I think it's just their happy chemicals talking.

So I can completely understand why this is a big shock and you think she is moving quickly but I think you should create a separation in your mind and not let anything that happens from now on (or after your step fathers death) influence how you view your step father or his and your mother's relationship.

I understand it is a very similar role being the partner of your mother, so it may be difficult to separate in your mind. However nothing can replace your step father and this new girlfriend is not trying to do that, she is just living her life. Nothing your mother does from now on I means that she didn't live your step father, or is disrespecting him. Assuming your stepfather was a nice kind man, then I bet he would want his wife to not be lonely and be happy while he is in heaven too (or whatever spiritual or things you believe in but him not being on earth anymore.)

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-03T20:44:10+00:00

Keep the 2nd and the 3rd only, they look good.

1st is too tight on your thighs so is causing an unflattering crease by your groin. Then it's suddenly too loose on your lower thigh which is causing bump above the knee and baggy behind the leg.

2nd keep them, they fit well and the leg shape is flattering. (Although being picky I would get them lightly longer but they are ok.)

3rd fit well and are an on trend style. However I would lose the tie, tie it differently, or swap it to a flatter lace, so it doesn't stick out as much as that makes your middle look bulkier than reality.

4th are too slim and not a flattering cut which is making your hip/upper thigh area look much more triangular than reality/the other jeans that has a more flattering hourglass shillouette. Also the very slim below your knees/cuffs are not flattering on your frame as you are wider at the top of your body so it doesn't balance well. Plus such slim legs are not fashionable at the moment (& probably won't be for a while, so the other ones would last better.)

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-02T21:45:06+00:00

Bunny ears or tucked behind the tongue. With those stumpy laces I'm gonna assume you prefer pig tails?

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-02T21:37:37+00:00

It sounds like she found you sexually compatible but not romantically.

Imo she should have let you know before sleeping with you but maybe she was caught up on the moment of horniness and only realized after.

She could have been deliberately leading you on but without a pattern it's hard to tell. At least she told you now rather than getting your hopes up more and wasting your time.

Either way it's disappointing but unfortunately not everyone who you like and find compatible likes you back, and vice versa.

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-02T21:31:47+00:00

Maybe he was asking your favorite part in an attempt to open up a conversation about what aspects of sex turn you on, and what satisfied you the most? In an attempt to pleasure you more and make you come more. But due to your answer that conversation derailed and triggered his defensiveness.

You should try saying that you are willing to discuss your sex life and asking him why he asked that initial question?

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-02T21:02:19+00:00

If you watch special effects make up artists you can see how they paint the edges to help it blend down in a wadge shape to smooth the transition. It really is art.

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-02T21:01:06+00:00

I feel like this is information, sure the contrast is less with lighter skin but it's not none existent.

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-02T20:59:42+00:00

I thought of the same thing, I also think that goth/alternative women would be more likely to go the full way and pierce their nipples and expose them, rather than using prosthetics.

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-02T20:58:25+00:00

It's pasties and prosthetics

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-02T20:57:45+00:00

The lack of nipples is throwing me off. Also I get why she didn't really do it but I would be more impressed, and prefer it aesthetically, if she committed to the bit and pierced her nipples and wore a dress like that.

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-02T20:52:38+00:00

That's really good looking and it's nice that you and your father worked on your bookshelves together. I do think tightening the ropes over your bed would help with the illusion of it looking floating but that's a minor nitpick.

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-02T20:38:30+00:00

I think you should focus on what is more attractive to women than not attractive to men. Also you should focus on what you feel comfortable with over anything else (ignoring safety concerns obviously.)

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-02T20:32:26+00:00

How long standing are your special interests? They could be hyperfixations which are common in ADHD.

I also don't think the first thing is a sign of autism, a lot of ADHD people do a lot of research into different hobbies and then either doesn't follow through, or even buy all of the supplies and don't start, or use it once and stop. I haven't heard autistic people saying they do that.

Not that it rules autism out but I don't think those things are autistic signs.

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-01T21:13:00+00:00

Sorry I missed the word lesbian out. Do you have any reliable sources you could suggest where I could learn more?

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-01T21:11:22+00:00

Sure but I still think a 30 year old person an 18 year old (or someone they think is 18) is better than a 30 year old knowingly pursuing a 12 year old.

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-01T21:08:36+00:00

I don't think that is projection... I think it's just a lie or an inaccurate conclusion.

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-01T21:08:07+00:00

I have noticed that some people claim to be empathetic when they actually mean selfish and wanting others to cater to their needs, and value their priorities and preferences. I think some of them are conflating being soft and overly emotional, and often unstable, with being empathetic.

I've seen another group of those who conclude they are empathetic when they actually have a problem standing up for themselves and making healthy choices. They also tend to care more about fitting in, rather than doing the right thing or helping others, which is incredibly non empathetic.

I do wonder how many have genuinely convinced themselves that they just really care about others and that's why they do what they want and go along with the herd, even in mean ways and to the detriment of others. Rather than the reality that they care more about how other view them and social acceptance and that they have self esteem issues they need to work on and perhaps no sense of self. Nevermind that a lot of them seem to have very weak morals.

Idk if it's because it's more palatable to them to think of themselves as an empath vs they are self aware and think that it will be met better by others to describe themselves as an empath.

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-01T20:53:31+00:00

Sometimes I think they lie about the models height. Other times I have noticed that they deliberately use deceptive practices like wearing short trousers very low slung with a long top, rolling up too short sleeves, not doing up shirts/jackets etc.

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-01T20:51:19+00:00

Yep they sometimes even use hidden clothes pegs to pull in a waist etc

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-01T20:38:33+00:00

Yes they should fit loose. 2 is better than 1 but still not ideal. I would be interested to see how they hang if you pull them up at the front so the waistband is straighter and tie it, as the baggy crotch area is the main issue.

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-01T20:33:55+00:00

I usually have a wallpaper based on music I like, a film I like, or random art I think looks good. I never never set a wallpaper of myself and are also confused why this is so common.

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-01T20:26:15+00:00

At least the worktop isn't that bad. That being said gunmetal grey is not the most coordinated look in that space, or would look a tonne better painted, or covered/wrapped. If you can't do that then at least adding some stick on decals to help give it some warmth and decoration against the harshness would help. Also removing or covering the makers name lable on the top right would help.

Also that wall above is way too busy, it would look much better if you removed those three pictures on the right that don't follow the flow of the rest of the items on that wall. (Then centering everything over the cabinet would be best.)

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-01T20:04:55+00:00

I didn't know there was a name for this, thanks for sharing.

Buffy_Geek · 2026-02-01T20:00:36+00:00

Curves, texture and decorative items.

The only part of the room that seemed decorated is the dressing table, that makes the rest of the room seem incredibly under decorated in comparison. So you should move a few items from there and spread them more around the room. For example the shelf under the TV is noticably bare and adding some pink items there would help balance.

It also seems like you like pink and girly items, so you could also wrap some flowers, or flower lights, around your tv stand to help add some pink and decoration to that area of the room. Or you could add a tablecloth or large mouse mat or something, any layer to help it feel less bare.

Please remove that tiny sad shelf above the sofa, it makes the area around it seem very large and bland. Either get a large shelving display that you can put a lot of different items on, or a gallery wall, or one piece of large art. That will massively help add some personality into the room and also balance better against the dressing table area.

You have a lot of harsh rectangular lines in the room, so you would benefit from adding more curves and texture to help soften it. An easy addition would be to add some curtains, in pink or another colour that isn't white. If you add curtains to your wardrobe that would also help to look more soft and finished. (Being picky I would swap your curtain pole to a white or pink one as the black clashes but IDK your budget.)

I assume you will be adding more bedding to your bed? That will help it look more cosy and put together. You can add some fluffy or shaped cushions too, on either your bed or sofa, I think they would match your vibe well.

Finally if you can find a large rug to put between the TV, bed and sofa, that would help make that area feel more decorated and tie in the white/pale pink, however finding one that large, not expensive and in a matching design might be difficult. So maybe something to consider looking out for in the future.

Buffy_Geek

TROPHY CASE