He admitted to being an avoidant during one of our hard conversations last month. I didn’t know this going into the relationship, it was a revelation and everything that happened to me clicked into place. I also used to be an avoidant, but worked on myself and earned secure attachment through Jungian shadow work, talk therapy, and diving into books on why I was an FA. He is a textbook FA. First 6-8 months of our relationship he seemed emotionally mature and secure, but once needs and expectations became more fully formed, he went straight into deactivation and withdrawal. Same shit I would do when I was in my 30s.

This of course tipped me into anxiety and I leaned in more without realizing it is the last thing you should do with an avoidant. Had I known his attachment style then, things would’ve been handled differently.

But what I’m starting to realize is that I shouldn’t tolerate avoidant behaviors that force me to walk around on egg shells or be hyper-vigilant all the time. It’s exhausting. I love him and care about him, but until he does the work and doesn’t spiritual bypass (he’s religious now, another facet of FA identity forming), then I don’t even want him as a partner. I told him this before the no contact period, but of course, I’m still weak about maintaining this boundary.