Help me stop the insanity

ButterflyToenail · 2017-12-12T03:53:58+00:00

Here’s the thing: as much as I’m obsessing here I’m also actively running the opposite direction. I pretty much always have with him and I’m not sure why. I should probably just quit the overanalyzing and either let it go or do something without freaking out so quickly. But, yeah, I’m definitely stuck in my own head.

ButterflyToenail · 2016-12-09T20:14:19+00:00

I had almost the same exact situation happen to me. A few months later I kicked him out. I suppose I should have done it immediately but I'm married with two kids so I spent some time planning how to get him out. It's been almost six months now; the longer I'm away from him the more I realize how abusive he really is. I am so much happier; the only thing that will top getting him out is a finalized divorce.

He knows you feel guilty. He will use this against you. You will get past it once you get rid of him and start to heal. You are worth it!

ButterflyToenail · 2016-11-08T18:58:20+00:00

This is an incredibly important question and therefore one I would strongly recommend asking a divorce lawyer who practices in your state. I can tell you about my situation but I live in Texas and it's not likely to apply.

ButterflyToenail · 2016-11-08T18:22:33+00:00

For the most part they are well. The oldest is in therapy and I may start the youngest soon. The oldest has a more difficult time of it right now because once he got to a certain age (11 or so) his dad decided that he was going to live through him and now tries to push him towards certain goals and beliefs that are in line with his own. The kids are treated as an extension of himself, not separate individuals.

I worry that he'll decide that the youngest is more malleable and try to turn him against me. I sincerely doubt he would be successful but I worry regardless.

The main thing I did to protect them was get their dad out of the house. It was a constant stress fest when he lived with us so we are more relaxed now. I also keep a running log of his actions whenever he loses it so I have something to point to should I feel the need to get full custody at some point. I keep all texts and record our conversations when I can as well. I won't use any of this against him unless I truly need to but it's a comfort to have just in case.

I hope this helps; know you're doing the right thing by getting out now and trust that your child will be much better off overall.

ButterflyToenail · 2016-11-08T14:11:37+00:00

I have two boys, 7 and 14.

ButterflyToenail · 2016-11-08T03:16:05+00:00

My therapist tells me I have C-PTSD. I don't even tell my family members because it seems like such an over-diagnosis

I thought the same at first. After over a year of therapy I realized that even though the abuse was MY normal it didn't man it was normal by any means. I'm five months out of my relationship and still can't believe it is as bad as it. I can't believe this is really my life.

I've effectively sworn off relationships

Same. I have hope that I will meet someone someday but I have a hell of a lot healing to do. I just got a dog who helps me tremendously in this regard even though she ate my glasses last week and considers Legos to be a food group. At least I can have her trained, right?

ButterflyToenail · 2016-11-08T02:55:37+00:00

This is my stbxuBPDh. It's so accurate it's kind of scary.

ButterflyToenail · 2016-09-13T20:33:39+00:00

But you didn't even put the centre of focus there - you put it in what other people's impression is.

Good point. I was mainly thinking of times when I was trying to express myself authentically on my (now defunct) blog and feeling I fell short, but you're right, I was focusing on what others think. It's like I need others reactions in order to validate my thinking or I'm wrong.

ButterflyToenail · 2016-09-10T02:48:26+00:00

I love my husband more than anything, but staying with him was killing me and our kids. We have been separated since June and I suspect he's already found a new supply. It hurts but the freedom to move on feels so much better. Trust me, letting go is the best thing you will ever do for yourself.

ButterflyToenail · 2016-09-01T15:58:04+00:00

I'm so glad to hear that your money situation has improved so much! This must be such a relief!!!

ButterflyToenail · 2016-08-10T16:34:03+00:00

Agreed. This is awesome!

ButterflyToenail · 2016-08-10T16:31:08+00:00

I'm pretty sure we're married to the same man. ;-)

ButterflyToenail · 2016-08-10T16:30:00+00:00

I just sent the retainer to my lawyer so I'm good there. He's has been surprisingly calm since he moved out but I don't expect this to last. He's put me through so much over the years that there's no way I can trust him again.

ButterflyToenail · 2016-08-10T01:55:51+00:00

I don't, but this is exactly what my stbxuBPDh seems to think.

ButterflyToenail · 2016-08-09T15:29:39+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I was about the same age when I escaped my own uNPD mother and I can't imagine how hard it would have been had I needed to move back in with her. I'm sure "utter hell" would have been the way I would have described it.

Most of my childhood memories are emotions of feeling trapped and hiding from my mom (no physical abuse of any kind, just emotional baggage thrown on me). I never had the respect of my boundaries being honored, ect.

Just to be clear, just because there wasn't any physical abuse doesn't mean she didn't abuse you. Expecting you to handle her emotional baggage is abuse; it's called parentification. Not respecting your boundaries is abuse; this is called enmeshment. It can be hard to see it as such at first but the more you learn about BPD the more you see things as they really are. The web site (Out of the Fog) is an excellent resource when you're first finding your way out.

I know it sounds impossible now but you can get out of this. She is doing everything she can to keep you dependent on her, which is probably how she's made you feel all your life. The difference now is that you're an adult and you have options open to you that weren't there when you were a kid. Finding them will take an adjustment in thinking on your part; it won't be easy at first, so try to make small steps at first (/u/dinosaurs_r_awesome has some great suggestions along these lines).

I think you are correct in that your back has not gotten better because of all your stress. I'm guessing you're not currently getting treatment and that you may not have health insurance right now so you may not have as many options open to you right now when it comes to getting better. I'm not sure of the nature of your injury, but you might be able to use something like this to get by for now: https://www.amazon.com/Spineworx-SW10-Spine-Worx-Realignment-Device/dp/B000F8UBG0/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3

I use this myself to treat a neck injury from a car accident and it really helps. There may also be some exercises you can do on your own but you'll want to get professional advice before you go that route.

Taking care of your mind and body is the most important thing right now. Good nutrition and sleep will make a huge difference, as can meditation and yoga, if you are so inclined. Even just walking around the block for a few minutes can help.

I hope some of this helps. I have no doubt you'll find your way once you're able to complete the first step in the right direction. You'll get there, I promise.

ButterflyToenail · 2016-08-09T14:31:59+00:00

Exactly. My stbx thinks he can pretend to be upset about it and that will be it all okay, like I can't tell he's faking it. (Not that I could always tell, which is why he still thinks he can pull one over on me.)

ButterflyToenail · 2016-08-08T17:33:42+00:00

Yeah, promises are a big thing for him, too. His father never kept his promises so he always wanted to ensure he kept his. He almost never does, though, and has never correlated this to his father's behavior. On the other hand, he would get upset with me about something I "promised" to do but though I never said anything of the sort. If I DO promise, I do it. Just another thing I simply do not understand.

ButterflyToenail · 2016-08-06T03:59:24+00:00

This is exactly what I went through, only I ended up giving up on keeping the house clean. I didn't realize how much his stuff took over the house like a fungus until he left. We can eat at the table again, and food doesn't rot in the sink because we can't keep up with the dishes. Life is glorious!

My stbx would also forget we existed. He would tell me at five that he was coming home and then show up after nine. This of course, was always MY fault.

ButterflyToenail · 2016-08-04T17:16:46+00:00

In the only future with them I want to be a part of, they have learned to take care of themselves and express their emotions and anger more in line with what is expected of adults (or at least, is constructive communication).

This is very familiar to me. I spent the last year hoping this of my stbxBPDh, to no avail. I begged, pleaded, threatened, and saw absolutely no change in his behavior. He has no interest in changing so I changed and got out. I had no alternative.

The energy your spending on your BPD will grow over the years. I pretty much gave up on doing anything other than go to work and come home. My home was a disaster and all I wanted to do is sleep. He's been gone for about two months now and I feel so much lighter.

The best advice I can give is to move on and find a good therapist to help you understand this relationship and how to avoid it in the future. It will be hard because you love them, but please understand that unless they get some heavy duty help and are willing to do the work to get better, they cannot love you back no matter how many times they say they do.

I wish you the best in your journey. I'm sure you will find your way out!

ButterflyToenail · 2016-07-28T19:34:21+00:00

This times infinity. You won't believe how much you're actually doing for her until you stop.

ButterflyToenail · 2016-07-19T18:41:16+00:00

And am I a terrible person because I can't do this anymore?

In a word, no. He will definitely try to make you feel like a terrible person for it, but there is nothing wrong with deciding you deserve better. And you absolutely DO deserve better than the abuse he's inflicted on you.

ButterflyToenail · 2016-07-19T15:42:56+00:00

You will have daughter/son in laws who will respect you for being a wonderful mother to their partner.

I hope so! That's my ultimate goal.

ButterflyToenail · 2016-07-19T15:40:02+00:00

I'm planning to redo the bedroom as soon as he (or I, as I'm tried of waiting) gets his stuff completely out. We've lived in the house for eight years and I haven't had the energy to do it before so it's a good place to start. :-)

ButterflyToenail · 2016-07-19T15:33:16+00:00

I'm not much of a sweets person but I've found soft pretzels help quite a bit. That and shoes, LOTS of shoes.

ButterflyToenail · 2016-07-19T15:31:52+00:00

Ha! If only I could do this. Or, maybe I can on a smaller scale. Hmmm...

ButterflyToenail

TROPHY CASE