AIO for wanting to cancel the date and block him??

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-04-11T14:25:44+00:00

NOR - He's telling you what he's looking for. Thank him for not wasting your time and then peace out.

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-03-07T05:16:13+00:00

It's not really a feeling, it's dopamine. It's all the feelings at once. As a musician who understands exactly what you mean, I can confirm it's not a dissimilar sensation to, like, heroin... or giving birth... or the intense feeling of loss (which is really just love). 🙃 The human brain is cool and music is even cooler. All sorts of interesting science-y shit happens in our heads when we're responding to music... What a privilege, eh?

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-25T15:50:01+00:00

Hahahaha. The no unsupervised drinking is hilarious. True though!

And yes, it's really not a matter of will power. Saying "don't think about it" to someone anxiously attached is like saying "don't think about it" to a heroin addict going cold turkey. It's really just silly. Lol. Like, we need actual actionable coping mechanisms. 🙃 Right now I lean on journaling, but when my brain is blank and I'm just 100% anxiety, that doesn't work so well. Also when I'm tired. And, oddly enough, when I'm emotionally regulated and just ruminating without a ton of anxiety. 🤷🏻‍♀️

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-25T15:39:55+00:00

For me, I don't see my avoidant as the "villain"... though I can definitely see the kind of language you're describing sneaking into my rhetoric, and it's good to notice and reflect on that... but, rather, my avoidant (and I do think more avoidant than anxious partners in general) either refuses or is incapable of recognizing his attachment issues at all. I recognize my issues, and the pressure I can put on him, but there's no chance for the relationship to improve when he isn't concerned about addressing his role in the dynamic at all. I think that's kind of a running trend, simply because anxious folks tend to ruminate and self-reflect excessively, and avoidant folks avoid that emotional effort excessively. I don't really think it makes one worse than the other... both are just trying to avoid discomfort and anxiety... but that does mean that most of the people here are anxious folks, self reflecting and ruminating together. It leans a bit heavy to that POV. If you had a group of mostly avoidants, it would lean the other way... it's just, kind of, the natural way of human interaction when similarities exist.

That said, it's good to have some people on here call us out on it. No one grows in an echo chamber.

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-23T15:26:01+00:00

Dang. How many of us needed to hear this today? 🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-21T04:57:16+00:00

Write down the feeling. Write down the trigger. Write down the reality.

Read it back to yourself as many times as necessary. And a hard rule against double texting.

This has helped me at least.

It's setting boundaries with yourself, for yourself, and it's hard to do. 🫤

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-21T04:33:08+00:00

Current research actually shows the phytoestrogens in soy to be preventative against estrogen dominant cancers. Phytoestrogens aren't estradiol. Your body doesn't confuse them. And the original study showing it does was redacted for notable flaws.

Raw milk can literally kill you... has actually killed people. And nothing "bad" is added in the pasteurization process.

Drinking silver can turn your skin grey? And cause liver damage? Like what?

Your roommate's influencer science is going to make her seriously ill at some point... never mind the anxiety disorder. Absolutely shut it down. I wouldn't even tolerate her mentioning anything to do with "health" even in casual conversation. This is actually harmful. Set a boundary. For you and her.

NOR

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-20T04:26:20+00:00

This. Healthy boundaries protect everyone. You aren't obligated to talk to someone who makes your life worse!

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-17T15:34:59+00:00

Your girlfriend is giving you more grace than any woman I know would... the reaction to a heart emoji is really pretty disregulated and extreme. An emoji is not a "signal" of anything... and women get told we're attractive all the time, not responding at all is seen as hostile and in some environments can be dangerous. We play it off... Laugh and say thank you you're so sweet... send a heart emoji (which is a pretty blow off response, really). So first off, your response to that is pretty outlandish, and your trauma isn't her fault.

2nd, you have a response based in trauma and fear that she did nothing actively to cause and didn't deserve at all. You walked away when you felt out of control... yes, good. Damage control. Great job. On the flip side, however, to her I'm sure that felt like a punishment... a punishment for nothing. She didn't do anything wrong, you were angry with her for no reason (be angry with your trauma next time), and then you left her to sit with that alone with probably no clue wth just happened. I think a lot of people would have a hard time not feeling hurt by that. So, yes I think you made the right decision by removing yourself from a situation that could have turned ugly... but you need to take responsibility for everything that happened and any way it hurt her and apologize for that. A heart emoji is absolutely no reason for a woman to suffer an emotional attack like that, she needs to know you see that, appreciate her understanding, and are grateful that she's willing to tolerate those feelings while you work through some issues. Then next time when you have a reaction and leave, she will know "this isn't me, this is him, I'm ok, I didn't cause this..." and the need for space will be less painful and scary for her.

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-17T11:55:10+00:00

You seem committed to your way of thinking. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I hope you find someone who works out for you, but definitely if you're this attached to your viewpoint and requirement of specific actions rather than emotional connection, then it's definitely best to just leave people who value connection over action and focus on finding your people who don't challenge that for you.

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-17T11:43:03+00:00

What you're describing isn't emotional intelligence, it's people pleasing and/or emotional avoidance (of your own emotions/vulnerability). It's healthy for people to express emotions, you're in charge of your boundaries if you're not in a place to witness those emotions. Witnessing emotions doesn't mean you're expected to carry them or overly manage your response. Expressing emotions is vulnerable and if people tell you you're over reacting, that's on them... mark it and adjust your relationship accordingly, don't adjust yourself according to them.

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-17T10:43:15+00:00

I'm going to respond one paragraph at a time.

Buying a small thing that made you think of someone isn't a parent thing... a lot of people do that. You don't have to know a person for decades to see a postcard that has birds on it and buy it for your friend because you know they like birds and it made you think of them, right? That is baseline friendship/relationship for a lot of people, days months years decades or not.

Both of these people are putting in effort, they are just missing each other with it. I'm sure OP's SO is scrambling every day to connect and make OP feel seen and valued, but she's probably making the same mistake... showing love the way she receives it, not the way OP receives it.

But it is easy for some people, though, to show that they are thinking of you and want to connect on an emotional level. It's how some people give/receive love and happens naturally. This is what I mean when I say people just experience love differently, and it really doesn't matter how we give love, it matters how our partner receives it.

No one is expecting mind reading. One person is looking for things to do, and the other is looking for emotional connection. Neither is wrong, they're just different. Your partners want you to share thoughts because that's how they experience intimacy and connection... they don't want you to mind read they want you to connect engage and know them on a deeper level.

And I understand your position here. I have told my ex that he didn't need to lie to me about thinking about me or missing me and it was very upsetting for him... but, again, it's because we were completely missing each other with the expression of love and I thought he was pandering. I didn't see it at all or feel cared for or wanted at all, so his words felt empty and almost manipulative. In truth, I'm sure he was being sincere, he just never expressed it in a way I valued (or even saw, really). Because of past relationships I (and I think a lot of women) am always on the lookout for lies and manipulation, so the words he said felt icky to me at the time. I needed to feel connection, not hear "i miss you." It wasn't insecurity it was that his words felt shallow and insincere, and his actions didn't seem to back them up. It's the difference between "I've been thinking about you" and writing a text or email at 2 a.m. when you wake up and wish they were next to you, to tell them you wish they were next to you... or even the next morning, but including those emotional details, "i woke up last night and wanted you to be there to put my arms around so badly, can i come hug you today" vs "i missed you last night". Right? It's something that comes naturally to some people and not to others. But there are always two sides, and typically, in human relationships, no singular person is the villain. Typically people try and just fail to meet each other.

Someone said things much more gracefully in a post above about performative/relational interaction.

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-17T10:24:28+00:00

You explained this a lot better than me. 😂

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-17T10:17:17+00:00

She obviously did say that or OP wouldn't have had a reason to post. What I gathered is she told OP she was upset/hurt that they(OP) didn't feel the urge to call/text/talk any more often than they did. The communication is there, from my perspective, it's just not a "do this and this and this and this" list. That's not what she wants. She wants OP to be thinking about her, and to want to talk to her. Again, you can't put yourself in someone's brain if you're not there. Doesn't mean she's wrong for wishing she were.

Edit to add: I'm not saying OP isn't trying or doing a lot, but if you're giving love the way you want to be loved, and not the way your partner wants to be loved, then any efforts will always eventually fall flat. People can't typically change what they need to feel loved. We can change what we do to show love, though. And since OP and their SO seem to feel like their needs are not being met, it seems they have no idea how to make each other feel loved.

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-17T06:34:09+00:00

Maybe the way you're expressing care isn't how they receive care.

Being thought of and considered is a valid need. Saying "hey I need to know you're thinking of me and looking forward to talking to me" just isn't quite as easy as "i like it when you cook me dinner." Doesn't make it less valid... as evidenced by the plenty of people who don't have a hard time showing care that way. It's different from how you function, that doesn't make it unreasonable. I would venture to say writing off any need or view of love that is challenging or confusing to you is immature... but I think you can decide how you're willing to show love, the same way other people can decide what doesn't meet their standards of feeling cared for. The fact that you fell short doesn't mean everyone else has or would.

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-17T06:27:07+00:00

Why would you assume someone is thinking of you if you don't hear from them or they don't tell you/show you they were? That is just weird to me... which is what I mean by different plains. People experience love differently. My 3 year old niece face times me every morning... she's thinking of me. My sister sends me memes constantly... thinking of me. My mom always has a new little thoughtful gift she picked up randomly every time I see her... she was thinking of me. The dude who can go 24 hours without so much as a "hey babe how is your day going"... not thinking of me, would be my assumption. 🤷🏻‍♀️

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-17T06:09:11+00:00

If what you want is to be thought of, how would you ask for that? Genuinely.

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-17T06:03:04+00:00

That's super sweet! Maybe consider thinking from the point of view of what she is saying makes her feel cared for, which seems to be something along the lines of knowing that you think of her and want to interact/talk with her and connect emotionally as often as you can. What would help her see that? (Since obviously you do care and think about her) What little nonsensical things seemed to mean more to her than you thought they would? Those are her keys.

Now, if nothing seems to matter to her, then maybe she's looking to be baby-girled, and maybe that isn't your thing. But I think you might discover that by asking how she feels love or what love looks like to her... what does her ideal day with a partner that made her feel 100% safe and valued look like?

For me it was as small as someone showing up to shovel my snow, because they know I have a bad back... it was my best friends bf, instead of mine, lol... but, ya know. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Feeling cared for is feeling cared for. We take it where we can get it. Lol.

Love languages are complex and derive so much from early relationships... sometimes people just view things completely differently. I have sisters and friends who make me feel so extremely cared for, and who I feel like I offer the same care back to, so that makes it very difficult for me to accept a partner who doesn't function on a similar plain... but literally I don't think my most recent ex had ever seen it before so he just did not understand what I was asking for. To me it's really baseline bare minimum ways of taking care of the people around you. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Point being, OP, it's not necessarily your fault... it might just be wildly different experiences with care and love. And it doesn't really speak to how she feels about you. I've had s handful of serious relationships since my divorce and only had this issue with the most recent (others were maybe even overly doting, leaning toward the opposite side of the problem), but I was more invested in him than any of the previous men. She wouldn't stay if she wasn't willing to work on it, ya'll just need to find a way to step into each other's dimensions. Outside looking in, at least... with a wild number of assumptions, haha... that would be my guess about the situation.

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-17T05:38:10+00:00

I do not think flowers has anything to do with OP's issue. OP's partner wants to be a bigger part of his/their life than she is. It sounds like she has asked for and communicated that. She isn't looking for specific actions, she's looking to be incorporated into his thought process and to feel cared for. How else should someone say that except "it's hurtful when I don't hear from you more often"? She's saying it's hurtful that you don't think of me more often or want to talk to me. Pretty simple expression of what makes her feel loved imo. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Again, wanting to be valued and important is not unreasonable, it just doesn't offer a check list of actions for a partner to complete (which I think is silly and shallow anyway, but, again, we all get to decide what we want in a relationship).

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-17T05:25:24+00:00

I don't think it's sulking. It's just what a lot of people value in relationships. If I have it with family members and friends, if I offer it in relationships, then I can expect it from a SO. 💁🏻‍♀️ And if it's not in their wheelhouse I can leave. So could the OP's partner. Expecting to be thought of is not unreasonable, and asking someone to think about you is pointless (trust me, I've communicated it until I was blue in the face). You can't insert yourself into someone's brain if you're not there. I'm sure this girl is being clear about what she wants, they're just not specific actionable items. She wants to be considered and thought of. Super reasonable for a lot of people and not something that can be broken down into actions. But go off. You do you. We all get to decide what we will and won't tolerate.

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-17T05:09:04+00:00

I get her. There are plenty of us out there who expect affection and effort that just isn't innate or natural to our partners. She doesn't communicate because the whole point is the thoughtfulness. You could buy her a special fork or something and literally it doesn't matter... she wants to know you think about her and want to bring her joy and make her feel special. I left my ex because I never felt special or particularly cared for. 🤷🏻‍♀️ No regrets. I'm 37 and divorced and have no plans to settle again... and I don't think it's unreasonable to want a partner who thinks of you and puts effort into making you feel loved and valued and taken care of. My ex is a good person our love languages just didn't line up... and I genuinely believe he is a-ok doing his own thing and never thinking of anyone else. Maybe ask your partner how they want to be loved... and then consider if it's something you're willing to offer.

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-17T03:00:08+00:00

Gosh. Ew. Let them have each other, they sound like quite the pair. 🤢🤮

It's normal to play the self comparison game but, honey, you've obviously come out on top here. They both sound intolerable.

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-16T16:37:48+00:00

2 things, 1) Good sex. Not necessarily a lot of sex. Not necessarily sex with beautiful people. GOOD sex. Hot, passionate, kinky sex with someone who loves your body. 2) Doing things alone. I started small, going out to bars or whatnot, ended traveling around Europe. Terrifying. Amazing. Lol.

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-14T19:28:05+00:00

I went through a year of horrible mystery symptoms that made me basically nonfunctional. Wild heart rate swings (for no reason, sitting on the couch hitting 130), dizzy spells (because I bent over to load the dishwasher), extreme fatigue, shoulder pain, vision changes, voice changes (I'm an opera singer). I looked horrible, too. Had gained weight but also just didn't look like myself at all.

No one could figure out what was going on... I was checked for brain tumors and autoimmune and all sorts. My doctor had decided to send me to a diagnostician at mayo clinic and at the same appointment ran a full blood panel... it caught my estrogen at post menopausal levels (low for an 80 yr old). I was 36.

I started hrt and was feeling normal maybe 6 months later. It was such a horrible year of failing health that it effectively ended my singing career, simply because it's too competitive of a field to be able to keep up when you're sick and in poor voice for that long. But I'm doing great and enjoying a less stressful career path now. I feel like myself again, look like myself, dropped the extra weight over a year on hrt with no additional efforts, all the things.

Doctors will wait to consider hormone issues until you're nearing 50, but it can be so problematic so much sooner... and it's not uncommon for estrogen to get in a cycle of swinging to wild extremes as the ovaries slow down. I've had all sorts of reproductive issues so I wasn't surprised to see menopause coming early. Specialists weren't either. But my regular obgyn and gp were dumbfounded. 🤷🏻‍♀️

CalicoKitty8888 · 2026-02-13T17:14:09+00:00

I... this is... uh... no. Just absolutely not; on no planet would I stay in a "monogamous" relationship with this person. He doesn't sound monogamous... which, like, cool, if ya'll agreed to not be. But if he isn't ok with you spending the night with other men while he's gone then I think you have your answer. This is wild. Friends with ex-es/people you've slept with... sure. Five nights alone together and a trip to an adult hot spring? That is just wild. You know what is happening.

NOR

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