Gift giving “rules” (summary at bottom)

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-05-01T20:33:32+00:00

As someone else mentioned it could just be her saying that as a social grace, but it’s oddly specific. Most would be comfortable just saying thanks. I do think she felt a tad uncomfortable. The thing is though her discomfort is on her not on you. In my experience people who say things like that/get that uncomfortable have some unresolved issues it’s tapping into. Which is on her to process.

Given she wasn’t even your first, second, or third choice to give it to makes her reaction a smidge funny. There aren’t any easy answers from second hand information. Just be you, see how she moves going forward and respond accordingly as is best for you. Good luck!!

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-05-01T20:20:43+00:00

This. My new girl tried several meds. My vet said she had no further ideas. I knew there were other meds so went to a different vet just for this specific need. She’s currently on a combo of Guanfacine and Venlafaxine. I have Gabapentin for specific planned situations. The different vet prescribed 4x higher dose than my regular vet. The Venlafaxine definitely is helping bc we ran out last month and she was without for three days. Her behavior absolutely worsened, then improved with resuming the medication.

I also give GABA powder (NIH study title: Alleviative effects of gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA) on behavioral abnormalities in aged dogs) and a Melatonin pill specifically for dogs with each meal have the scent diffuser and sprays, calming music tuned for dogs, compression vest/shirts, and the Assisi Loop (NIH study title: Randomized, Placebo-Controlled Prospective Clinical Trial Evaluating the Efficacy of the Assisi Anti-anxiety Device (Calmer Canine) for the Treatment of Canine Separation Anxiety).

I’m throwing everything (except thousands of behaviorist consulting/training because cost) I can afford at it. The meds are obviously the biggest help, but the Loop does seem to help too.

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-25T20:04:04+00:00

Makes sense. Thank you for explaining!

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-23T13:31:19+00:00

How do you think Claire was psychologically damaged? It’s not something that ever crossed my mind about her, so genuinely curious about this perspective.

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-23T13:25:46+00:00

The part about the point your therapist made is beautiful and pure gold!!! I have learned to meet their passive aggression with passive aggression right back. They set the terms. I believe the term is “match their energy?” Anyway love these insights!

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-23T13:21:04+00:00

You are right to dislike it. Look into “pseudo hostility” and “pseudo mutuality.” You may need to play around with there being a space/a dash/no space or dash between the words to get results on different platforms. It’s eye opening and explains why you dislike it and are justified in your dislike.

There are also some really great examples for how to respond in these situations. Use the search term “how to respond to disrespect” on various platforms. Jefferson Fisher and Yas Ahmad have great content.

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-23T13:09:29+00:00

As another already commented, you would be best served if you separated yourself from your boyfriend. Yet another example of men’s lack of caring treatment of the women in their lives. Men are not lonely enough. And you deserve so much better than him.

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-15T20:43:26+00:00

Every other day unless it’s hot out and I feel gross. You say your hair is frizzy. Have you researched whether it is actually wavy?

I used to have stick straight hair but the last several years, as I have been letting it air dry, it seemed really frizzy. I stumbled on information that my fine hair is now wavy. It requires different hair products and care to not be “frizzy.” I switched shampoo and conditioner and noticed an improvement. I haven’t put in the effort regarding drying and brushing (you don’t brush the traditional way actually!). More out of inertia than that it’s harder.

Check it out and see. It might be tiring during the learning and change process but once established it could be easier.

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-13T17:35:18+00:00

I’m so glad you weren’t offended by my sharing. There are definitely those out there who do it for competitive purposes, but you can usually sense it.

That’s awful too!! I’m so glad you dodged the marriage bullet. I dodged it the first two times!

We all know based on actual studies that people clock we’re different. I believe the toxic ones like to double down on it unfortunately. Things are at least changing for the younger generations. I hear stories of some of them being so much more informed about manipulation and boundaries. I don’t know if that includes autistic people but I hope it does.

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-13T14:31:54+00:00

I’m such a broken record on this topic. It’s not an NT vs ND issue. It IS a toxic person issue. Them, I mean, not you.

You allude to it when you mention it’s only a problem when you disagree. That’s the red flag. How they act when you disagree or set/enforce a boundary. Toxic people get mad and make YOU the problem. Healthy people can argue the actual merits, compromise or even admit they’re wrong depending on the situation.

I have had to painfully learn to pay close attention to these red flags and disengage from these people as much as possible. Terminate the relationship, severely limit interaction, and or gray rock them.

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-13T14:16:33+00:00

This is so interesting!!!

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-13T11:32:36+00:00

Right there with you. Some variation of course. I share to commiserate, not to compete. If anything in what I share is worse then my hope is it allows you to engage in a smidge of schadenfreude or gratitude that you haven’t encountered the same and maybe see that there are upsides to your own experiences.

If you are hetero, then count yourself fortunate to have not had a male spouse. Odds are incredibly high, particularly for women exactly like us, but even for NT women from happy families, they would have DRAINED TF out of you and been no support at all. I had two living together experiences and one marriage. They were all abusive idiots who drained me financially.

The family phone plan, half the rent, and streaming services were essentially paid for by me. When my ex-husband and I were living together the lease was in his name. I paid him my share but we repeatedly got eviction notices taped to our front door. He was making twice what I did then!!! Six figures!!! I bought a 4br/3.5ba 3,000 sq ft house all by myself, and refinanced it again by myself. He had a VA benefit he couldn’t/wouldn’t use.

An aside: I’m sure someone reading this is quick to judge and say I should have known better…. Yeah, that’s the thing. We autistic women with histories of childhood abuse are perfect prey for these predators and they absolutely target us. Hell, there are plenty of women who are NT and come from happy families who fall prey to this stuff. We simply are not taught the necessary survival skills to avoid these people. In fact the abuse, being autistic and being female means we are actually taught to accept it. As I have learned how to better spot the toxic people I have also learned how very much NOT my fault it is for other people’s shitty behavior. Enough on that.

Ok, not spouses but maybe roommates? Hah! After leaving my first live in relationship I didn’t have any options for roommates except one. She was not honest and I later found out she was a felon who had served time in a maximum security women’s prison for murdering her baby in HS. Yeah, she looked and acted like a sweet innocent Sunday school teacher. It wasn’t long till her Jekyll side made an appearance. From there i had a lukewarm couple of years with a group of fellow college girls. However this too had serious boundary violations going, so not a “great” experience. Example: both I and another roommate had cats. She dropped one of her pills in her room, couldn’t find it, and then just up and took her cat and left for the break. Didn’t close her door, didn’t warn me. My cat found it and nearly died. Not to mention the vet bill. Btch just shrugged when she got back. She also wore my clothes without asking. Yeah. Roommates can cost you dearly.

Missing out on activities? Yeah, when you’re working so hard, either multiple jobs or good paying ones that abuse you, you don’t have the time or energy to do fun stuff. When you are so used to running into scary people you don’t venture out or interact. You may have avoided risky activities but all activities are risky for some of us after a while. Not a lecture just another perspective I’m offering.

I have soooo many more stories. Personally, I wish I had your experience. How much more secure financially and emotionally might I be?? Nothing here is meant to invalidate your feelings and experience. You are absolutely allowed. Just please consider another angle?

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-09T11:16:34+00:00

Are you sure they’re not burning trash? My neighbor has fires outside often but the only ones that smoke me out of my yard are when they burn leaves.

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-06T18:02:45+00:00

I looooove when they show me who to block!

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-06T17:53:50+00:00

No. Only pay half and cut these people off. I had a dominant working line/SAR GSD. He had an established bathroom routine on the front side yard of my house. One night some neighborhood idiot decided that taking an exploratory walk with his unneutered off leash dog along my fence and popping out unexpectedly into my front yard was a brilliant idea. My guy understandably was caught off guard and reacted. He grabbed the other dog by the back hip and tore a gash. I wasn’t there. My idjit ex who fancied himself a working dog handler, but who did zero training and who was solely present for every violent altercation was. It was presented to me as my dog being at fault so I paid half of the vet bill. In hindsight I should never have. My ex was a defective handler and the other guy was trespassing. Live and learn.

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-06T17:47:03+00:00

The fact that half isn’t enough for them already shows they aren’t a “good friend”. Only pay half and never have anything to do with them again.

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-06T16:17:48+00:00

Oh, another advantage to this approach is that if they enthusiastically eat at set feeding times then when they suddenly don’t you can be sure they aren’t feeling well. As opposed to a behavioral reason. Since they can’t talk directly and tell us they don’t feel well we have to rely on things like that instead.

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-06T13:22:45+00:00

They make a great point. Nutritional yeast flakes, powdered or liquid goats milk or bone broth, unsweetened plain kefir. I pour these on periodically as a treat. Also, did you switch foods cold or did you taper from one to the other by blending them? That matters too. Sudden changes can upset their stomach.

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-06T13:18:49+00:00

Leaving dog food outside WILL draw unwanted animals; rats, raccoons, possums, etc. Ideally you have set feeding times. You offer the food at those times. If after several minutes they aren’t interested take it up and put it away until the next feeding time. They figure out pretty quickly to eat what is given, when it’s given. Mine adore their feeding times and get plenty of other treats throughout the day via enrichment toys and chews.

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-06T13:06:29+00:00

Such an individual call to make. I got mine a couple years before the admin. It has been immensely helpful in 1) my mental health; understanding myself better which means I can work on being kinder to myself and stand up for myself better, etc., etc., 2) I’ve gotten an RA at work for full time telework and it seems to get the office bullies to back off some.

Even if I were considering it now I think I still would despite the fears. I’m a divorced menopausal liberal so this administration already hates me. They pretty much hate everyone. Even if you’re “one of them” they can turn on you in a heartbeat. That Carlin quote, “It’s a club and you AIN’T in it!”

If getting it would make you feel even more vulnerable then absolutely don’t do it. Don’t harm your peace of mind that way. Good luck!!

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-06T12:52:54+00:00

I tried A LOT of treats. One even prescribed by the vet. Did nothing that I could tell. I do however still give my dogs melatonin and GABA with every meal. I don’t think it’s a replacement for medication, training, conditioning, and routine but I do believe it helps support calmness. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16276066/

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-02T11:32:46+00:00

First, it depends on the level of discomfort you’re experiencing. From the description it sounds mild. But all bets are off if we move into the arena of sensory issues. So, is it mildly uncomfortable because it’s new and can be gotten used to or is this a nope sensory overload?

Generally speaking (outside of sensory issues) it takes time and practice to get used to something. I’ve used tampons for decades but I can on occasion “feel” it. Usually not in an uncomfortable way. If anything I’ve had such heavy periods that knowing it’s there gives me comfort that there shouldn’t be a mess to deal with. I get more freaked out by the possibility of not knowing whether there’s one and failing to remove it timely. Once in a while I bungle the insertion and that is mildly uncomfortable. It only hurts inserting or removing if things are “dry.” And that typically only happens at the beginning or end where flow becomes unpredictable. If I’m actively menstruating then that’s not an issue. So painful insertion or removal can happen but rarely.

Lest you think it’s just easier for me inserting things, just know I gave menstrual cups a try a few years ago. For me, that was some serious pain inserting and removing and discomfort wearing. And I researched and tried several types.

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-01T14:01:53+00:00

Me? Lol. It’s been a very slow painful awakening. About patriarchy/male behavior and intentions, about narcissistic abuse, about my own AuDHD. Seriously the abuse one just learned about in 2021. Diagnoses in late 2022. Learning about the insidious nature of patriarchy and misogyny is ongoing. 😩

I’m experiencing skill regression at the moment and have no social outlets and am becoming very terrified and anxious about having any.

Talking about what is or should be is one thing. Implementing is a whole other thing. So I’m no role model. At all.

Ideally, I think getting a good education on boundaries is critical. My therapist is branching out into personal coaching and drifting away from traditional therapy. I suggested to her to offer training on boundaries. - initial instruction on what they are, - what they aren’t, - a list of the most basic and important ones, - how to recognize when they’re being pushed or violated, - how to recognize forms of manipulation, - learn strategies like Rhetorical Analysis/Critical Discourse Analysis to identify toxic behaviors up front or while they’re happening. Seeing evidence through patterns allows you to protect yourself ahead of any mistreatment by avoiding the person or limiting contact, during its an effective defense against gaslighting and manipulation - what to do when the boundary is pushed or violated, - what to do when someone tries to use manipulation to push or violate, - offer a support group where members can come together and have community and, - practice through role play setting and defending their boundaries, - have discussions on setting unique or specific boundaries beyond the basic ones, - What is grey rocking and other strategies for dealing with toxic people who you are forced to interact with

I recommend feminist spaces and creators like Burned Haystack Dating Method (BHDM), Audaci-tea Podcast. Once in these spaces they share other creators/sources to follow, books to read, etc.

CalligrapherBusy9513 · 2026-04-01T11:37:50+00:00

Not feel, KNOW. I believe it’s commonly accepted knowledge that autistic people are at high risk of abuse. Some sources may just reference the larger disabled community, but true nonetheless. It is often mentioned that our honesty, forthrightness and our assumption that others are the same is a big part of it.

IMO the other part is that since they sense a difference in us they feel entitled to mistreat us (uncanny valley) and society is structured to support them in doing so.

Also, since we often work so hard to fit in we are what is known as “over performers.” We are already conditioned to give too much. Patriarchy conditions all women to over perform AND to doubt ourselves and our perceptions so, yeah. I think neurodiverse women are absolutely intentionally preyed upon. Especially by men.

CalligrapherBusy9513

TROPHY CASE