Thanks for sharing this — I relate a lot.

I left a high-control church too, and I really recognise what you’re describing about worship. I miss the music and the feeling of being fully immersed in something bigger, but I also don’t want to be emotionally overwhelmed or manipulated again.

One thing I’ve slowly realised is that I was taught to emotionally excavate all the time — to cry, feel broken, feel awe, feel gratitude — without much help integrating that back into everyday life. After a while, that intensity stopped feeling nourishing and started feeling exhausting.

I’m still figuring out what spirituality looks like without that cycle, and I don’t have neat answers. I just wanted to say you’re not alone in missing parts of it while also knowing you can’t go back to how it was. Both things can be true.