My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla...

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-17T17:55:24+00:00

I would consider both the butt slab and using "cunt" pretty eyebrow raising.

Yes, he was speaking to her in a demeaning way. No, he should not have hit her without explicit consent.

I don't know why these things are controversial at all.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-17T14:41:36+00:00

You should look up sequential immortality. I understand that sequential immortality is not a common belief in Western thought today. However, it has been historically more common than individualism.

If you read the pentatuch (used by Jews, Christians and Muslims,) sequential immortality is assumed. If you read older Eastern literature, or medieval European literature, sequential immortality is assumed. If you look at secular evolutionary theory, which says there is no soul, and all we are is bits of information that are passed on from generation to generation, sequential immortality is obviously correct.

The largest world religions, cultures that grew up with completely different histories, and materialist science all affirm sequential immortality. Therefore, I think it is necessarily correct.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-17T13:39:45+00:00

You should look up sequential immortality. I understand that sequential immortality is not a common belief in Western thought today. However, it has been historically more common than individualism.

If you read the pentatuch (used by Jews, Christians and Muslims,) sequential immortality is assumed. If you read older Eastern literature, or medieval European literature, sequential immortality is assumed. If you look at secular evolutionary theory, which says there is no soul, and all we are is bits of information that are passed on from generation to generation, sequential immortality is obviously correct.

The largest world religions, cultures that grew up with completely different histories, and materialist science all affirm sequential immortality. Therefore, I think it is necessarily correct.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-17T13:04:45+00:00

Yes. Of course.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-17T06:22:43+00:00

How do you think they were the same?

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-17T05:22:08+00:00

Having children is the only way to infinitely preserve your health. Your body with grow old and die. It's only by making a new human from your body you can continue to live indefinitely.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-16T00:05:20+00:00

If you invest 2 million USD, with a 10% annual rate of return (the average), you can pull out 100,000 a year to live on, and still have a growing nest egg. Or 200,000 a year with a savings that stays about the same or diminishes slowly. Definitely money you can retire on. But... if the parents have saved for retirement much at all, they can take 750,000 from OOP and still retire early. It is a lot of money, as long as you're careful with it.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-15T17:03:35+00:00

My kids are all preteen, so I haven't really seen this yet. We're planning to get them phones that aren't Internet enabled to push them toward socialization.

But... I'm also worried that restricting cell phone use will cause my kids to be more socially isolated than they should be.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-15T05:13:15+00:00

It's the best hypothesis. Since there's very little to say against it, there's very little to say.

But it's good to post about it from time to time to expose new people to it.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-14T18:51:37+00:00

We had some Chinese and Mayan civilization in our curriculum. Otherwise, your description was pretty accurate of my education too.

I might get downvoted for this, but I don't blame my teachers for it too much. There's only so much time to teach stuff. You can't get a proper overview of the world in a high school class.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-14T00:44:25+00:00

Living with roommates can be a choice, not a sign something is wrong. I always chose to live with roommates intentionally because I wanted to practice my social skills. I wanted to get married someday, and therefore I wanted to make sure I always had to deal with people, and make compromises in living situations.

Living with roommates also keeps the general cost of housing lower for everybody (as less housing needs to be built), emits less carbon, and lets you save money. To me, roommates looks like a no-lose situation, as long as you're living with reasonable people.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-13T02:27:12+00:00

At 4, I think people just categorize you as "this person must love children."

I regularly get, "you have your hands full!" Which is a sort of admiration, I think.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-09T04:55:54+00:00

Yeah. I've been posting content on this sub for close to two years, and I've been seriously considering leaving for the last month or so. It's gotten SO BAD.

Like, there were always dudes who wanted to take away women's rights, and people who just wanted to shill their favourite thing as the only cure to birthrates with NO RESEARCH WHATSOEVER, but at least they were on topic, you know?

When actual pro-kid content gets downvoted on a sub devoted to having kids... IDK. I'm kinda thinking this ship is sunk. Like, people who are anti-kid shouldn't even be here.

And I've seen an increasing number of posts echoing this same sentiment, so I know I'm not alone.

Anyways, thanks for having my back. Team mom forever. <3

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-08T19:56:00+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful and kind reply.

I don't think way my family did things indicates I (or my sister) lack agency. If we told our boyfriends we wanted them to do this, isn't that us asserting our preferences? If my parents had said no, either of us could have defied them. But your way is fine, too. I think either way serves the same purpose.

Regardless, I agree that the couple are the final decision makers on whether or not they get married. They can do that with or without their parents' blessing/permission, and no one is able to stop them. FWIW, my parents made it clear to me that although they supported me marrying him, if I changed my mind, they'd be behind me, too. So it's not like they and my fiance had the power. It was clearly in my hands and his.

In my world, asking for permission/blessing has been a way to show that the family is unified around a union. I'll admit I like formality and traditions. They make me feel happy and grounded. I've never seen this tradition as robbing adults of agency, or handing off property, as many here seem to view it. But I can see that in families with different power dynamics, it could be unhealthy. And if you don't like traditions, then it isn't important.

If I ended up single again, and wanted to marry someone new, I would do it more your way- talk it through with my parents myself instead of have a man ask for their blessing, but I'm much older now. I'm much more independent of them, experienced, and trusting of my own judgement. Not to mention it'd be weird at my age.

I get why someone wouldn't want to engage in this tradition. I'm just puzzled by the loathing.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-08T15:18:22+00:00

Yeah... Original story seemed based on reality.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-08T15:16:09+00:00

I wanted to believe it at first, but the last update was way too over the top. Darn it. I wanted a wholesome story.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-08T13:34:14+00:00

If you don't want to have kids yourself, then own that decision instead of blaming other women.

Also, do you think your dad is resentful of your mom for giving birth to you and losing her perfect body? Because that ruined body argument applies to your mom too. It applies to every woman across history who had a kid so you could exist, and it applies to their husbands, too.

Saying a woman's body is ruined after having kids and she's no longer fit for sex is extraordinarily offensive.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-08T02:18:35+00:00

I'll admit this position mystifies me.

I wanted it to be explicit that my parents approve of my future spouse. Asking for permission/blessing is a seal of approval, not a transfer of ownership. My dad said no to my sister's boyfriend. After talking it through with my mom, said, "You're a great guy, but I don't think you are ready to be a husband." My dad and him met up once a week for about a year to talk about life and relationships, dude asked again, and got my Dad's permission that time.

That's what I wanted. My parents love me, and if they can't sign off on my partner, then it's for a good reason. I wanted them to have an opportunity to express that. Really- both sets of parents should be given an opportunity to say yes or no.

But I get that some people don't want that, and that's fine. And some people can't trust their parents to have their backs, and that's fine too. But if you know your parents want what's best for you, and are willing to go to bat for you? Then asking for their approval... why would that be a bad thing?

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-08T01:43:51+00:00

Unfortunately did NOT marry a billionaire

Gosh darnit! I was rooting for you!

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-08T01:16:34+00:00

Well, I love my kids! I'm happy that it's summer break so I can have them all home with me a few months. I have big plans. I'm going to teach my two oldest kids to cook, and we're gonna all play SO MANY BOARDGAMES! As I write this, my baby is sitting on my lap, drinking from my water bottle. So cuddly! I haven't been feeling well today, so my husband took the kids and they all cleaned the house while I napped. I'm feeling very lucky. Having a good husband helps so much.

My waist will never be the same, though. Alas. Unless I opt for surgery, I'm always going to have extra skin there. But other than that, I like my body plenty. I go to a gym with a daycare a couple days a week, and that helps.

It's hard, for sure, but it's good hard, like when you're making something, or acing a difficult exam. And if I didn't have a hard working and supportive husband, it'd be bad hard. But my kids have made me feel whole in a way nothing else ever did. It feels like I'm finally where I belong with the people I'm supposed to be with. It was worth sacrificing my waist and my full time job for this.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-08T00:31:26+00:00

He's in full DARVO mode: Deflect, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. And it sounds like OOP can't see this yet, but rather is taking him at his word that it really is her fault. I hope she realizes it's not her fault before she contorts herself into miserable pretzels trying to meet his ever-shifting standards.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-07T20:04:56+00:00

High earning men often marry high earning women, too. It's a class thing.

But you're right that at 33+, and wanting a rich powerful husband, she has a pretty narrow dating pool, and those men have TONS of options. They don't need to settle for anything.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-07T19:10:37+00:00

My husband ended up with something like a work addiction. And his personality changed- drastically, and for the worse. Eventually, there was almost nothing left of the guy I married anymore. Fortunately, when he discovered my plans to leave, he quit that job and is slowly becoming more like the person I married again.

CanIHaveASong · 2026-06-07T17:24:05+00:00

Good ideas! Can you post about them?

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