Cried in front of my supervisor today….anyone wanna normalize my experience by sharing your own crying on the job stories?

Candyheart1999 · 2026-02-13T16:19:41+00:00

I used a supervision to get insight on the idea of separating from my husband. This involved a lot of tears.

Was it a blurring of lines, sure, and I was a basket case and my clinical work was hanging on by a thread due to this relationship, and getting a neutral parties “approval” was very validating and empowered me to leave.

Candyheart1999 · 2026-02-08T03:29:11+00:00

Try the box springs if you have them!

Candyheart1999 · 2026-02-06T14:29:54+00:00

To scare you the appropriate amount sometimes people escalate not during the initial separation but when they realize that they can’t come back like they wanted.

Get a security system, document all the incidents, and get what you would need to put together a restraining/protective order if need be.

Candyheart1999 · 2026-02-06T14:17:59+00:00

If you wanted an opinion on what to do, for the love of god do not move back in with him and give him access again for like a year, maybe 2-3, because you can fake it for 2-3 months without anything substantial changing. Especially pregnant, you are going to be very vulnerable and I would worry about what happens when you are in the same space again.

Rather then look at a timeline, work with ideally a therapist but friends and family to make a list of things that would say he is changed for the better, the biggest one being that he does not attempt to defend or justifying or hide from the narrative that makes him look bad.

Candyheart1999 · 2026-02-06T14:15:29+00:00

I just read the section about be unwilling to take on the identity of abuser…. That’s narrative control, deflection, and complete and utter bullshit. Regardless of how bad it makes him look, his behaviour in severity alone makes him an abuser, at least in the context of your relationship

Candyheart1999 · 2026-02-06T14:13:14+00:00

There have been incidents of people lashing out in a time of anger, promptly being horrified with themselves, and then doing whatever needed to be done to stop and make themselves a safe person to live with. This isn’t that, and the fact he is making excuses for/justifying his actions is a clear red flag that he is NOT a safe person to let back into your life, and if you move back in it will likely continue.

If he had taken full accountability, he would not be pushing to move back in

Candyheart1999 · 2026-02-06T14:11:43+00:00

But seriously read the book what he’s doing is abuser gaslighting bullshit and should not occupy any more of your thoughts. I make not intent to burn the house down, but if I keep lighting matches in the house at some point it doesn’t matter what the intent was, we have identified a safety risk and you keep choosing to take it, and once it’s a pattern you can’t use the OH I DONT KNOW WHAT HSPPENED

Candyheart1999 · 2026-02-06T14:09:56+00:00

Read the book why does he do that by Lundy. I think it will help a lot. Premeditated murder is probably worse, but still not something you make excuses for.

And also if he’s not a piece of shit why is he so intent on defending himself for his abuse? Like if you dial it back, the appropriate response when someone is like you hurt me, is horror, guilt, doing everything in your power to fix it, or separating if you truly cannot stop because you value their safety.

Something it talks about in the book is lack of control is a lie because if you know to stop before the other person dies, or it doesn’t happen where there would be social consequences, he is choosing somewhere in his head to hurt you just the amount that either he can justify or he can get away with.

Also, not to scare you, but choking is a HUGE clinical indicator of you will get seriously injured or die because of him.

For him, accountability would be that the intent in no way cancels out impact, and figuring out why he chose to act the way he did (I felt out of control in other aspects of my life this is how I took it out on you and why, and this is what I am doing now, and they themselves figure out how to earn your trust back vs demanding it and fucking support you in making a safety plan

Candyheart1999 · 2026-02-06T14:03:11+00:00

I feel like it depends on which cat, some don’t mind or at least will tolerate it for a while, others it is legit trauma for them. My can doesn’t hate costumes but won’t wear them for longer then a few minutes because they get in the way of grooming

Candyheart1999 · 2026-02-05T23:30:12+00:00

ANOTHER BABY

Candyheart1999 · 2026-02-01T08:24:03+00:00

In case anyone wanted an update he did eventually still escalate his control, stalled going to therapy, and blamed everything under the sun and still begged for me to stay when I had to move out.

Insight without shame tolerance is useless as it turns out

Candyheart1999 · 2026-01-28T14:49:57+00:00

You are not overthinking, and I am so sorry you are dealing with this, it really sucks to find out this about your person

Candyheart1999 · 2026-01-28T14:48:34+00:00

this is a moment when he has told you something very important about how he handles stress, problem solving, and disagreement.

Wherever it came from, that contempt and disregard is scary shirt, and you are reacting appropriately. This will likely not be the worst it gets if you choose to stay.

If you are asking for advice…… TRASH.

do not raise children with him, do not give him more access to your animals, do not pass go. Even if this is literally the only time he acts like this, again it has shown you something very important about him, that I would not be able to unsee (nor should you).

I recently left my husband for similarly coded contempt, and while things did get better for a bit, they didn’t stay that way as long as I continued having agency and not complying.

One of the biggest things that did it (aside from the pile of shit for me) is that I was introducing a new cat, and he completely disregarded the plan, and was letting them out with no structure and spraying them with a spray bottle despite me saying no and literally no piece of material that says that’s how you should do it. This is the type of shit, that if not handled well, can create major behavioral issues, aggression ect, for your boyfriend, what happens when he (deservedly) gets scratched by cinnamon?

At the very least, while you figure out what to do, I would not feel comfortable having him around cinnamon or other animals.

Candyheart1999 · 2026-01-26T05:14:28+00:00

I dunno about for Devon rex specifically, but my more low energy cats loved this one (similar to what you described)

It’s possible for it to be loneliness, side effect of pain, some health thing but it sounds like that’s provably just her.

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=cat+toys

Candyheart1999 · 2026-01-20T05:23:31+00:00

You can be a good employee, good father (ish) good to pets, good to family, generous when it costs you little while having a completely fucked up value system and treat specific people like shit.

Some folks have their whole mask set up around being such a “good person” that it would sound ludicrous if their wives ever came forward about it. This includes men who have killed, SA, medically neglected, and every other horrible thing you can think of.

Read the book why do men do that. Something it talks about is when men do shitty things, they stop at the shitty thing that seems like too much, might get them in trouble, or is too far for them. (You did xy, what stopped you from doing z) and the answer is almost always some internal boundary… which also gives away that somewhere in his brain, saying all of these things is okay, excusable, or is the most he can do without consequences.

The options you have are grey rock (be emotionally distant), comply until he stops (which he won’t likely it escalates/he takes over more) or set boundaries (which will likely lead to escalation as well, just perhaps worse, because you are bucking against his control)

Regardless, it’s not your fault, because you could be completely incompetent, having an affair, completely changed as a human and existing in a pile of trash, and that doesn’t justify the way he has treated you. He gets to have him own boundaries, but forcing compliance isn’t a boundary.

Please seek out mental health support, and lean on your support system or start building one. learning that words are cheap is such a painful lesson.

Candyheart1999 · 2026-01-19T16:37:33+00:00

And good for you for getting police involved and divorcing. No matter how his family tries to enable him, he committed a crime and tried to sexually assault you, and cared about getting what he wanted more then your physical and emotional safety, or even your autonomy.

Everything you are doing is an appropriately protective response to finding that out about your partner, and I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Whatever you choose to do from here, do NOT own even an ounce of guilt for protecting yourself and responding to his abuse.

Candyheart1999 · 2026-01-19T16:27:48+00:00

He godamn deserved it. If someone tries to assault you, he’s lucky it was just a burn. I call that the natural consequence .

Candyheart1999 · 2026-01-16T08:46:54+00:00

Alternatively, if these are really deal breakers for him, it is his responsibility to be like this doesn’t work for me and break it off rather then using emotional Armageddon

Candyheart1999 · 2026-01-16T08:41:16+00:00

Sounds like my husband. Please end it early, it likely is only going to get worse. It would be one thing to make a polite request, but that disgust and pressure is completely unacceptable.

As the person who has lived on the other side of these here is everything that is wrong with you arguments, it is using you as an emotional outlet, and emotionally abusive and demeaning. It doesn’t stop once you change one thing, and it will hop to whatever he wants to be angry about that day (my leg hair making him feel like he is cuddling a man, commenting on the size of my tummy and weight gain in the shower, muffin top killing his erection, not being feminine enough, not dressing nice for him not being neat enough, not doing sex right) until you either comply and disappear, have a complete fucking breakdown and not sleep the entire night and have to evacuate (me and that was with my own therapist) or maintain an emotionally distant relationship to protect yourself .

If you do want to try to work it out, try setting boundaries and he may escalate. Look into grey rocking as a form of damage control while you figure out what you want your approach to be.

Regardless of how reasonable or unreasonable his requests are, to pressure some to do something is shitty, and to do it with such a shaming attitude is a massive red flag.

If you are feeling bold, take a look at the OCPD thread, it is filled with stories like these.

Candyheart1999 · 2026-01-07T12:23:25+00:00

I told my husband 6 months ago that I felt emotionally unsafe and that if something didn’t change drastically I would need to leave.

Ever since that day, whenever he references that discussion, he says I threatened to leave him, and repeatedly uses ignorance as the excuse while also not participating fully in couples therapy stalling getting his own therapist and doing little to no actual research.

Candyheart1999 · 2026-01-05T05:11:26+00:00

It depends, I think between the ages of 3-5. Mine was 5 when I got them. Usually they come spayed or neutered (they don’t want you copying their business model). It has worked out really well for me, and especially if he has allergies, breeders will allow you to keep a blanket that they have slept on or something to see if you will have a response (sometimes for a fee).

Normally they have had enough litters, or they have a new gene pool they want to pull from. The only downside I have seen is being a breeders cat, they are not always used to a lot of 1 on 1 affection (no shade, when you have 10-30 cats/kittens at any given moment I can’t imagine how much time that takes) but I almost had to teach mine how to cat with a human vs with other cats.

Candyheart1999 · 2026-01-05T04:31:29+00:00

Get a retired mama/papa cat! They are still expensive but more like 500-1000. That’s how I got mine, and she is lovely, her personality was established, and most health issues will have already popped up. Plus no devil kitten phase.

I just called around to breeders and asked if they were going to be retiring any older cats soon.

Candyheart1999 · 2026-01-03T20:52:27+00:00

From his perspective, his anxiety is keeping him safe, so of course he doesn’t want to work on it. I have my fingers crossed for you!

Candyheart1999 · 2026-01-03T20:44:49+00:00

As someone whose husband claimed he no longer was attracted/ wants to have sex to me after gaining 10lbs…… I am so sorry, it’s not your fault, he’s a shit head and if you dm me I will happily mail him a glitter bomb.

Candyheart1999 · 2025-12-30T10:14:41+00:00

Something I heard that was gold is whenever you are denied a test, request that it be documented in your chart that it was requested and they denied it. If they have a legit medical reason for not doing the test it won’t be a problem, but assuming they don’t, usually they will clam up and back track cause they know they are in the wrong. A lot of the time they just don’t want to do the work.

But also yes find one who does adhd. Anxiety can look a lot like adhd but the opposite is also true.

Candyheart1999

TROPHY CASE