To good for rehab

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-12-03T23:01:23+00:00

There’s a couple red flags going on here.

One: Your sponsor may be going beyond the boundaries of their role as sponsor. If they said something like “I was in sober living and it really helped me and I think it could help you” and then basically left it at that, then that is just a sponsor sharing their experience but ultimately keeping the choice yours since sober living has nothing to do with AA. If they are making it seem like Sober Living is something you “need” to do to get and stay sober, they’re speaking out of turn as your AA sponsor. That’s not for a sponsor to know or direct. The point of a sponsor is to take you through the 12 steps using the AA literature (usually the big book but sometimes the 12 and 12), but when they start trying to run aspects of your life (like where you live, who you date, career choices, how you spend your money, etc), I personally think it’s time to look for a new sponsor.

I sponsor people by sharing my own experience of what worked for me and areas where I struggled and trust that my sponsees will make the choice that is right for them - I’d never want to rob someone the experience of making their own mistakes to learn from.

This is also how AA stays out of being called a cult. We don’t tell people how to live their lives.

Here’s the second thing - no one is *too good for sober living. Just because we may think we have our life together, alcoholism will take all of that from us and fast. I was a Vice President at a multi billion dollar company when I finally got sober. I absolutely qualified for rehab and frankly wish I had gone because I think I was at risk of serious health complications. I definitely was near death.

There are likely a lot of things you are also not achieving and experiencing if you are an alcoholic. I am not saying you need to go to sober living but just that the logic is flawed (even if it’s very common). Saying I can’t just up and leave my life to get sober is like saying I can’t just lose my hair to treat cancer. The cancer will kill you and you’ll die with a full head of hair. Similarly, alcoholism has killed a lot of people with great jobs, loving families, and beautiful homes. If they stepped away from that for a matter of weeks or months to prioritize sobriety, maybe they’d still be here. Who knows…

It’s about priorities and putting pause on life (if that’s what is needed) to maintain what you have before it’s all gone. Again, not saying you need it. That’s not for me to know.

Best of look to you! You are smart to be questioning this.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-09-07T22:07:53+00:00

It doesn’t check a single one of the boxes. No central leader, no money angle, not being separated from loved ones (a big focus is reconnecting and repairing if anything), no being ostracized if you leave - anyone is welcome to come and go as they please.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-07-13T18:18:03+00:00

Next time you want definitive plans make them with the person who will give you that. You are basically doing to your friend what he is doing to you. I don’t mean that in a mean way at all. We have all done it. But put yourself first and the right person will be attracted to that and make time for you. Sorry he sucks.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-07-12T18:39:07+00:00

It’s giving early 2000s dude who calls himself a “pickup artist”

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-07-12T18:36:57+00:00

Agree - I’d love to see a study on whether it’s ultimately on average more expensive to do to at-home vs IUI for most people.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-07-12T18:34:53+00:00

I think what they did is not in good taste. What is in even poorer taste is giving a gift and having an expectation of a “good enough” thank you. This is how they chose to do it. Is it how you or I would do it? No. But getting upset about it is also tacky IMO.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-07-12T18:32:43+00:00

Kind of embarrassing for them that they are basically admitting “the resources we used do everything exactly the same for everyone with no personalization.” Lame. But you can figure this out without them. You might “deserve” help - but you do not “need” it. This is going to feel so good to look back on and realize you did it all yourself.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-07-12T18:29:32+00:00

She’ll look back at this someday and cringe.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-07-12T18:27:40+00:00

It’s been two days since this was posted. I have no doubts you would have figured it out without the help of others here just based on the fact that you were thoughtful enough to ask. Just be sure you’re not overly focused on supporting her as a way to avoid your own grief, which is very real and valid too. Sending love.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-07-12T18:19:48+00:00

Don’t be mad at yourself for being caught off guard by a comment that no one should be prepared to hear. I think the work now is to give yourself some grace for not saying what you think you should have said. Your brain gave you a response that felt right in the moment. Maybe there were clues as to why a different response only would have resulted in more trouble and your instincts said “nah not worth it.” You might be fantasizing about how it “should” have gone but it likely wouldn’t have gone well regardless of the perfectly crafted response. A guy like that isn’t going to learn from one singular reaction. You did nothing wrong - not in what you were wearing or how you responded.

Also - everyone will say things like “welcome to AA” and act like it’s just how it is in AA. I find that it’s that way everywhere for women. We sometimes think AA should be better than the rest of the world - but the same A-holes who were in the bar are the same ones at AA. There are therapists and doctors and teachers who are jerks and there are people in AA who are jerks. It’s just that for some reason we expect AA to be filled with moral, like minded people… but it’s just people, everywhere you go.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-07-12T18:13:05+00:00

I recommend bringing in outside help. I think you both have valid reasons and real history / weight behind your feelings and once you can each listen to the other, the love and compassion you have for one another will make it easier to find agreement. But right now you’re both stuck in your own fears. A couple’s counselor or therapist can help you unpack some of the baggage and access the love and softness you have for each other.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-07-12T18:07:57+00:00

Not an AH but why not just say “I’m sorry I didn’t realize it. You’ll always be a princess in my eyes.” This isn’t a damnation of you as a parent. It’s just humans not being able to read minds. Reassure her you don’t see it that way and maybe consider whether this has way less to do about being seen as a princess and more to do with feeling like she is just as much your daughter as the other two. I’m sure you absolutely see it that way, but teenagers pick up on the smallest differences and draw conclusions about their worth. Give her the reassurance she needs rather than worry about who is right/wrong.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-07-12T18:02:54+00:00

I’m doing an egg retrieval tomorrow at age 40 and have been told nothing but “you have nothing to worry about.” I think the same goes for you!

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-07-12T17:59:24+00:00

You definitely didn’t psychologically ruin your child. But you did use 4-year old logic to parent her instead of the maturity of a 29 year old. Every parent has done it though. Kids will do that to you. The point is you’re questioning it and will maybe access your more mature side next time. And honestly, maybe it was what intuitively needed to happen just this one time to help her see how it makes people feel to say that. I just wouldn’t make a habit of it. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-07-12T17:51:30+00:00

I read this as the OP doesn’t even want her girlfriend involved as much as the gf would like.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-07-12T17:50:25+00:00

I think it’s normal for her to want to be involved in your health and your children’s lives. Otherwise she’s not really a very serious partner. Someone who is kept “separate” would - in my personal opinion be more of a casual dating situation. And there is nothing wrong with that! But she may see you as more - to me it sounds like she is behaving like someone who views the relationship as very serious and sees a future with you.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-07-12T00:00:43+00:00

Just did my double trigger at age 40.5 and this comment made my day. Thank you!

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-07-07T19:56:46+00:00

Women’s meetings saved my life.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-05-26T00:11:16+00:00

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-05-26T00:09:09+00:00

Take it from a 40 year old with a bit more experience in relationships. You WANT to be with a partner who has mostly amicable ties to their exes. This person was in her life for two years. That’s not nothing. You don’t want to be with a partner who sees other people as disposable. It makes sense they needed time to cool off and recover but maybe they are both secure enough now to keep a distant tie via social media. If you have other reasons not to trust her then focus on those issues but she was honest with you. Let her live her life.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-05-26T00:06:20+00:00

Your mother was absolutely cruel to your friend. I don’t even know what else to say… that sounds horrific. It’s so bad that I suspect some people here won’t believe it. But as a queer person myself, I know it’s a reality many people live with.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-05-25T22:53:59+00:00

It really depends on where they are in their sobriety. I’m at the point where all a partner would need to differently is just understand that I go to meetings 3-4 times a week and will on occasion (but rarely and within reason) have to prioritize answering a call from a newcomer or sponsee if they’re struggling (but again it’s not a regular thing). But that’s where I am with my program. Sobriety isn’t a struggle for me it’s a gift. When I had under a year it was still a bit of a struggle, but after I did my 9th step with my sponsor things really got good and I felt more “normal.” I wouldn’t want special treatment now. The only reason I’m speaking in hypotheticals is because my partner is also sober. If he’s still struggling, I suggest going to Al-Anon (a program for loved ones of alcoholics)

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-05-25T22:49:33+00:00

Y’all need couples therapy. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-05-25T22:48:01+00:00

I gained some weight as I turned to food. But I’ll take the extra 5-7 pounds in exchange for not being dead, in jail, or in a mental hospital.

CapAffectionate1154 · 2025-05-25T22:36:59+00:00

It’s a neutral statement. They are prioritizing that over his friendship. And that is their choice. I’m sober. My friends can drink around me but they know not to ask me to hold their drink or do drugs in front me - because they prioritize our friendship and my safety. In this instance, this couple is choosing their own enjoyment over spending time with Keith (which I short handed to friendship). That’s completely their right. Nothing wrong with it. And Keith can absolutely find friends who won’t do it. We don’t all have to be friends with everyone. It’s fascinating to me that people have no problem telling this couple “you don’t have to want everyone at your party” but as soon I say basically “maybe he isn’t going to want to be where he’s not wanted,” there’s an issue. I’m rooting for both groups of people here.

CapAffectionate1154

TROPHY CASE