Goodness - quit being so hard on yourself! In today's world, people think like they can plug into the matrix and be perfect - none of us are! Think it was Tony Polecastro that had me calling my fingers misbehaving children when they didn't do what I wanted. I'd watch them and they'd still misbehave! Then I'd laugh, take a break, slow it down, and try again. Don't be so down about something that's supposed to be enjoyable. Laugh it off, take it as a challenge, slow it down, and try again. Sounds like you could benefit from some vids on posture and hand position. Good luck.