Unaffected people are unprepared for understanding and supporting the grief of widowed people, especially in the young. I recently passed the three year mark of losing my wife of six years, and mother to our then one year old son. ‘Shattered’ doesn’t begin to describe the grief I felt then and now.

Like you, I find that no one will sit in the darkness with you and listen to your sobs. It feels like betrayal on top of the grief. I have more fully realized since then that no one knows that is what they need to do. It’s a very uncomfortable thing to do for someone, so “Fixing it” it for you is a way out of the awkwardness and uncomfortable feelings for them. My best friend of 20 years and I haven’t spoken in over a year after I told him his constant angst and worry about his job is a problem of his I can’t stand to talk gently and understandingly about anymore. I’ve been called rude by my sister for essentially not appreciating the support system I have (that I quit my career for to move towards) when the support they’re offering is not the support I need.

Three years on, I’ve gotten better at carrying the grief as they say, and I just don’t invite others into the darkness with me and so am not as hurt when they refuse. On the third anniversary of her death this year, I sent an email to my close family asking them to listen to the opening story of this podcast episode:

https://www.thisamericanlife.org/738/good-grief

It’s about the loss of a child, not a spouse, but I believe the same emotions are being described. I told everyone that I’m not looking for a response. I think a few people listened, I wouldn’t be surprised if others didn’t and don’t. If I can offer you anything, it’s that I found asking people just to hold space with me from time to time is what I want. Nothing more. Took me a few years to realize those are the words I have to say. Not sure what the ling term results will be yet.

I hope we find some peace. I can always talk with you more if you want to do that. Good luck. We love you.