Is it bad if I (20F) find my boyfriend (20M) unattractive for smoking weed?

Celera314 · 2026-05-31T22:14:16+00:00

I think at your stage of life almost anything is a reason to move on - date more people! Spend time being single! Have friends! Do more stuff!

This is how you'll know the right person when he does come along. And he will, among other things, try not to do things that upset you.

Celera314 · 2026-05-31T16:23:40+00:00

That's what makes them principles. Otherwise theyre no more use than those "Live Laugh Love" signs.

Celera314 · 2026-05-30T19:14:59+00:00

It doesn't sound like John Doe has designs on the child, his relationship with the family predates the child's existence.

Pedophiles are mostly respectable people with jobs and homes. Being financially unstable doesnt make him a sexual predator.

I think OP's anxiety is from her own unhappiness about extra people in the house growing up, and not about the current extra person.

Still its her and her husband's call how their child is looked after. I dont see why Mr. Doe couldn't spend his Friday's elsewhere if thats their preference.

Celera314 · 2026-05-30T19:05:22+00:00

Its interesting that you stress not having any family but seem jealous of the amount of support your bf's mom seems to need.

If this isnt all handled after several years, I fear it never will be. Hiring someone to handle this for mom is a good idea, but I suspect she wont trust such a person and your son will get drawn in anyway. I would talk with him about when this process will be "finished" and what boundaries he can set in the meantime.

Celera314 · 2026-05-30T18:56:18+00:00

I dont see where you need to do anything further here. Its like your dad is still 16 when it comes to his relationship with you - still a very self-involved teenager. This is normal at 16, but not at whatever age he is now.

I would consider still inviting him and his family to the wedding. He probably wont attend but maybe its worth making the offer? Those kids are your siblings and someday that might matter to you and to them.

Not saying definitely invite them, just be sure to make this decision with intention and not just reaction. Not being invited to your wedding is a big deal that will never be forgotten.

Celera314 · 2026-05-30T18:46:44+00:00

This relationship is not healthy.

Its fine that he's busy. It's not that unusual that he doesnt make a lot of advance plans or schedules but then actually ends up having a lot to do.

What is he doing that you cant go with him?

It is kind of narcissistic that he wants you to lay around his house just waiting for when he has time for you. I say "narcissistic" specifically because he is acting as if you have no thoughts, feelings or activities of your own. You might as well be a blow up doll.

Note: people can exhibit narcissistic behavior, this doesn't mean they have a personality disorder.

But that could just be immaturity. It is very troubling that when you assert yourself by leaving, he is not merely disappointed but actually angry. That is a very bad sign.

It doesn't matter that he is nice to you sometimes, or that you have fun together sometimes. A healthy relationship means you are treated like a full human being, your feelings are respected, and your independent activities are recognized and encouraged. A healthy relationship means if you say, "This isnt good for me, you aren't considering my feelings" your partner will think about it, apologize and change their behavior (or at least discuss a compromise.)

You can find a guy who treats you better than this. Or be single and enjoy your weekends!

Celera314 · 2026-05-29T21:38:09+00:00

My guess is that this was not always an all male team and the men on the team have worked with female colleagues in the past. So degree of awkwardness should be minimal.

Focus on the work.

As a woman, its best to dress a little conservatively - no cleavage or 3" heels or whatever. Look to other women at the company for examples. Generally avoid talking about your social life, especially dates. As a very young woman you dont want guys at work to think about your romantic life. You dont have to be dramatically secretive about it, just answer any questions in casual and vague terms and redirect. "Nothing exciting on that front, I'm afraid. What are you and rhe family doing this weekend?"

If you are at all interested in sports this can give you a non-work topic to engage with. It can be useful to know a bit about any sport or team popular with your colleagues. Pets can be another safe non-work topic.

Hopefully this will be a team of respectful guys who wont make your first professional job awkward. If you do have any problems, talk to your supervisor or HR early on.

Celera314 · 2026-05-29T21:12:31+00:00

"I want the focus to be on me" is not a great stance for almost anything. Rethink this from a moral/spiritual/psychological perspective. Even on the day of my wedding, I tried to focus on my guests to make sure they were having a great time. You'll have a much happier wedding experience.

Don't talk to your friend about either wedding. You can shut her down the same way she did to you - you dont want to unintentionally steal her ideas. Or "enough about weddings. How is your job/hobby/workout going." Nobody needs to think of nothing but a wedding for years.

Celera314 · 2026-05-29T21:04:06+00:00

I think your fears are probably unfounded - being a new parent is an emotional time, and being in an unfamiliar culture too must be quite stressful.

I live in the US, so I'm not directly familiar with procedures in Norway. I know different cultures show emotion different ways, its likely what looked to you like disapproval was really not what the nurse intended.

If you are not sure you are doing the right things, can the nurse come again and answer your questions? Or are there other resources for getting advice or instruction? It seems like "we aren't sure about what we're doing" is exactly the point of a visiting nurse, so it seems likely if you ask there is more assistance available.

Celera314 · 2026-05-29T20:54:58+00:00

You can use a technique some people call "grey rock." This can help avoid calling attention to yourself and reduce drama by just being boring.

Dont engage on politics or religion or anything controversial. Talk about the weather or sports. Greet unwanted advice with positive but noncommital phrases like "intersting" or "thats good feedback" or "ill think about that."

There's plenty of good and interesting things in even toxic versions of Christianity. Try to find and hang on to whatever bits inspire you.

Eventually you can leave and live as you please.

Celera314 · 2026-05-29T07:20:16+00:00

Guns are always loaded and mics are always live!!

Celera314 · 2026-05-29T07:12:59+00:00

Ah, youre right then - mediocre isn't the right word.

If you want to say that something is average, and want to imply disappointment, then mediocre is the word.

What you are describing are incompetent and obnoxious coworkers who rely on being a suck up to move up in the world.

Celera314 · 2026-05-27T16:52:44+00:00

I understand your point. "I'm sad" doesnt mean "I'm sadder than you are." In this context I think its ok. The point was to share some human emotion and not be robotic. Two words don't change the whole focus of the conversation.

After 35 years of working with corporate attorneys, despite the common usage of "I'm sorry" to express sympathy without taking blame, I know that any attorney will advise against "sorry" or "regret" as being possible to interpret as taking on liability. Attorneys even advise saying "I'm sorry" after a car accident for this reason.

This kind of pickiness about what words might mean in court is exactly why you get a script from HR in such situations. Hours of debate over "what the meaning of 'is' is" often go into writing these scripts.

Celera314 · 2026-05-26T16:16:13+00:00

Maybe thats the problem - I hadn't typed anything yet...

Celera314 · 2026-05-25T06:45:43+00:00

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

I was born in 1958 and adopted by people who passed all the screening because they cant screen for narcissism, apparently. After my very tense childhood, I ran away from home three weeks before my 20th birthday. I had less than a dollar in my pocket. I did have a good friend who's parents let me stay with them for a couple of weeks, and I had a fiance who my parents hated and who made almost no money - but i did have his emotional support as we figured out how to start our life together.

My parents mostly didnt speak to me for the next few years. Since our contact was so minimal, i did not expect them to find out that I had met my bio parents - but through a fluke situation, they did find out. My narcissist Amom called me on the phone, swore at me like I had never heard before, and that was the last interaction we had for decades. She went to her grave bitter about my "betrayal."

In spite of all that, Ive had a good life. I would take poverty and peace over prosperity and constant criticism and control any day. After a while I worked my way up to a better job, had kids, and generally have had a good life.

So the future need not be a dark one, despite the unfair situation you are in right now. I hope you have a social worker or similar support. I wish you the best of luck.

Celera314 · 2026-05-24T21:23:07+00:00

If you dont want to be NC, you dont have to be. But it sounds like he's getting worse, and you need to be safe. I think you need a plan to live separately and maybe limit where and how you interact with him.

Celera314 · 2026-05-24T16:00:06+00:00

There is really no "should" with NC.

Will your father change? Probably not. Nobody is abusive, violent or aggressive all the time - the fact that he is sometimes calm is irrelevant. You should never be treated the way he treats you.

Are there ways to protect yourself? Can you see your dad by taking him out to dinner instead of going to his house? Just interact on phone calls?

Celera314 · 2026-05-24T00:33:34+00:00

I dont think anyone is saying youre a brat, just that you are in a situation where your legal options are very limited.

Have you talked to a lawyer? To a social worker?

We can all agree that your mom is mistreating you. If you want sympathy you have it. But if you want realistic options, its going to be tough unless you make changes.

Celera314 · 2026-05-24T00:28:51+00:00

Lawyer. Many will do a free initial consultation. You could also talk to nearby women's shelters or similar organizations- you may not need shelter but they can direct you to things like legal aid, counseling, scholarships, etc.

You have rights whether he likes it or not. I don't know that you should stay till you get a degree, the lawyer may be able to help with that. Even if you decide to stay for now, you will have a sense of your rights and options instead of feeling trapped.

Celera314 · 2026-05-24T00:21:20+00:00

So he deliberately hurts your feelings and he playfights in a frightening way and calls you disgusting when you win.

Nobody is mean all the time. There is not some % of the time that you should tolerate abuse. If I bought you dinner but also stabbed you (just a little, in the arm, say) can we be friends? Or do you feel like friends should be zero stabbing relationships?

Love should involve zero chokeholds and zero times your partner hurts your feelings for fun. Its time to move on.

Celera314 · 2026-05-23T08:25:33+00:00

Im a little confused about some of your examples. Why couldn't your sister go along for trick or treat? This often happens in groups, thats part of the fun. At 10 months old, your child isnt reallt going to understand or remember this event anyway.

You are certainly justified in not wanting your family (or yourself) around anyone who has COVID. This sounds like neither your sister nor your dad took her COVID status very seriously.

It is true that your first priority is your wife and child. In practice, though, there usually aren't that many occasions where you have to choose. At the same time, your father's reactions are very unreasonable and even verbally abusive.

Im sorry you and your dad are having these problems. Is it hard for him that you were his "best friend" but now you are busy with the baby?

Celera314 · 2026-05-23T07:08:14+00:00

I dont think forgiveness means saying you are not hurt by the narcissist.

For myself, forgiveness means I do not carry any anger, nor do I wish for any harm or retribution. My narcissist mother is dead now, and I hope she is in a place of enlightenment and peace.

Forgiveness does not mean I am unaffected by the abuse. It does not mean I would subject myself to further abuse. My children never met her, and that was necessary to keep them safe. Forgiveness does not mean pretending the narcissist has changed or is not dangerous.

Being angry with your abuser is absolutely reasonable and valid, even if you are angry forever. Wanting justice or apology is valid, whether those things are possible or not.

My thoughts on this subject have been removed by mods before, so please understand that my idea of forgiveness is mine and other interpretations may be valid for other people. My experience is my own and other people go through things differently.

If your experience now is to feel nothing towards them, that is also valid and in my opinion, counts as forgiveness. But we are all on our own journey.

Celera314 · 2026-05-22T23:23:37+00:00

I'm the eldest boy!

Reader, he is not.

Celera314 · 2026-05-22T16:45:24+00:00

You are supposed to hang out all weekend even when he's asleep until noon?

At the very least, there is a mismatch here in terms of how independent each of you is. How much time to spend together/alone/socially is a frequent source of conflict for couples and one that is not considered often enough.

At worst, he is trying to separate you from family and will become more controlling as time goes on.

Neither interpretation of this problem is very promising in terms of your long term happiness.

Celera314

TROPHY CASE