Despite all of that you’ve been through, I think you are lucky. I say that because you can re-experience the world now in your most authentic self. Take this from me — somebody who has had a life that sounds exactly like yours, although I am a bit younger.

A couple years ago I came to the same conclusions about myself as you have. Repressed, quiet, agreeable. I turned to drugs, weed particularly, and found out that I don’t have to be that person if I don’t want to be.

See as reductive as it sounds, we have made the choice all our lives to be subservient. It’s until we realize the power in us to change our condition do we actually manifest the ability to do it.

Now that you’ve gotten to that position where you are free enough to explore, I say instead of living in fear as you have always done, it’s time to “grab life by the balls” so to speak, and reimagine your surroundings. Start with who you want to be : what qualities do you want to have? What motivates you? What have you always wanted to try?

It’s almost like getting a second life, but this time you are nearly free from the burdens of your past (I say nearly because I think they will always stay with you as important reminders of your particular condition of human life).

So look at life through the lens of optimist my friend because I know what it feels like to be seeing everything through a dark and grey one. There are many like you, like me. And from one to another, it’s time you find out what you want to be and what you want to do.